the hog stuck

Chapter Six

DAVE: what the fuck is this

Dave had spent the last three chapters or so desperate trying to escape the magic chest he had been locked in. Only it wasn't magic. It was like John's MAGIC CHEST, which is to say it was just a regular chest that its owner referred to as magic. Though, as you, the reader, are surely aware by now, this universe's John never had a MAGIC CHEST. He lived the Harry Potter lifestyle. Also Dad Egbert was Voldemort or something?

DAVE: my mouth tastes like html

Dave was a tad disappointed to see the room containing the "magic" chest looked rather ordinary. There was a chair, and a table. A coatrack and a hatrack. Because obviously both are totally necessary. Dave was about to check to see if the door was locked, when through it entered Professor Snape.

DAVE: what

"Oh, it's you," said Snape in the voice of a man who was not at all surprised by anything. "I didn't expect you to escape that quickly."

DAVE: would it be cliche to ask you if my bro put you up to this

DAVE: i ask that question whenever anything weird happens but honestly i think being kidnapped and locked in a chest by a harry potter guy is too normal for him

DAVE: at the risk of initiating a family guy cutaway gag this is nothing like the time he gave me his copy of a game that ended the world and led to his death

DAVE: classic bro

"I assure you, Mr. Strider, your father had nothing to do with this." Snape mopped his moist forehead with a handkerchief he had left on his desk. "Good thing I got out of there. I was feeling quite murderous. Whoever's running this operation really wants me to be the villain."

DAVE: what

Snape swaggered (yes, swaggered) over to a quite peculiar machine. "Have you ever seen Doctor Who, Mr. Strider?" he asked, as if the man himself hadn't just been there.

DAVE: who the fuck watches doctor who

DAVE: also why are you calling me mister strider

DAVE: is this the matrix is that whats going on

"There is an episode of Doctor Who's sixth season, David..."

DAVE: i take it back please go back to calling me mister strider

"...in which the Doctor and his sidekicks are transported to an inexplicable Land of Fiction, and find themselves under the threat of becoming fictional themselves. While the Doctor and Zoe are harassed by Medusa, Jamie finds a machine which writes their encounter as if it were a work of fiction. This, Mr. Strider, is that machine. And as you can see..."

Snape ran his fingers along an approximately three thousand one hundred and eighty-six word long strip of paper printed from the machine.

"...we are now fictional."

DAVE: oh for fucks sake not more of this meta shit

DAVE: i thought we were done with that after homestuck five

"Homestuck Five?"

DAVE: yeah man homestuck five

DAVE: thats the one where the dead speak and somehow lord english returned

DAVE: they kinda ran out of ideas after crockercest was canonized

"Crockercest? Actually nope don't wanna-"

DAVE: jane and tavros crocker

Snape made a noise like he wanted to commit suicide by extreme vomiting.

DAVE: so yeah after ultimate mituna glizzied lord english to death we all just kinda decided to leave

"What do you mean, you decided to leave? How the fuck do you do that?"

DAVE: i dunno man we just kinda did

DAVE: we didnt stop to think about it we just left

DAVE: not really much reason to stand around and talk

DAVE: homestuck had ended like what seven times by that point

DAVE: eight if you count the fakeout ending of homestuck three

DAVE: we were all just really tired of the bullshit so we left

DAVE: until now of course

Snape was not smiling, but if you were to ask him, he'd totally say he was so fucking happy right now. "Sucks to be you, Mr. Strider, but it's far from being all over. Everything outside of this room has been written into a narrative."

DAVE: i fucking hate that word

"And, as you can see from this paper..." Snape directed Dave's sunglassed eyes to the parts where Hagrid, Ron, Dumbledore, et cetera died.

DAVE: their last line of dialogue is described as he said or she said or they said

DAVE: what an interesting mechanic

DAVE: so if were being written as a work of fiction then whos writing the story

"That's what I want you to find out for me, Dave." said Snape. "It's only a matter of time before I will have 'said' something and am killed off. But you don't have that issue."

DAVE: oh no

DAVE: because ive got the whole pesterlog shtick youre saying i have to be the hero

DAVE: i dont know if youve noticed but the pesterlog turns off as soon as im outta this room

"I'm not a dumbass, Strider. Obviously, I prepared for this. See here."

Snape picked up a perfectly round grey sphere. "There's a term floating around in literary circles. It's called the Idiot Ball. The Idiot Ball is a metaphor for when a character does something completely stupid that is necessary for the plot to advance. They were holding the Idiot Ball. This is the opposite. Everyone else is an idiot, and this ball will make you smart. Catch."

Snape tossed the Anti-Idiot Ball at Dave, who barely managed to catch it.

DAVE: so this basically makes me immortal

"As long as you keep talking, yes. Your sentences will never end in 'said' so long as the Ball is in your inventory."

Dave captchalogued the Anti-Idiot Ball. His sylladex was empty, so he didn't have to go through hoops to fit it in like he usually did.

DAVE: as soon as i step out of this room its gonna be like that one looney tunes cartoon where bugs bunny talks to shitty ripoff versions of his friends correct

"Yes. I envy your freedom."

DAVE: i dont