the funreal
chapter three: the funral
everyone ran outside to look at dumbeldoors corpse. he had landed in a tree and needed to be cunt down with magic. his body landed on the ground with a thud and was barely recgnizeable. 'wow' someone muttered. 'that sure is a dead body'
'GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY' shrieked macdonanlds as she blasted some kids into goo with her magic wand blast. 'EVERYONE STAY BACK! THIS IS A CRIME SCENE'
everyone gasped and looked at each other. but mostly john. everyone and anyone was a suspect. but mostly john.
macdonal fingered dumbledors broken and twisted neck 'he has no pulse. he is dead.'
snape got out a pen and paper and wrote doubledores suicide note. 'i found this' he sneered and hnaded it to macdonalds.
'great ceasers ghost' murmured macdonalds 'dumblefoor commited sucide!' everyone gasped again and at least one person fainted
snape once again took charge. 'we must retrieve his last will and tetstament.' 'great idea snape' agreed macdonalds but john still wasnt buying it.
'i think john is the murderer' whispered karkat to anyone willing to listen. immeditaley their was conspriacy afoot.
everyone went back inside after macodnalsd threatened to liquify more kids. snape had given up on plunging neville and instead just left him their. as he starved to death he would lose weight and eventually become thin enough to fit through the hole. a fitting end!
john looked around and realized he didnt know anyone at hogwarts. dave had completely disappeared adn everyone seemed to hate him for killing dumbeldoro. for the first time in his life john swore. 'damn'
just then snape came out over the PA sustem. 'attention everyone! you are hereby ordered to make ur way to the auditorium for the public reading of dumbledorrs will. there will be pretzels and beer. fuck you.'
all the kids with sense statrted running to the auditorum because if they didnt show up theyd get there asses beat with a rod or a belt. john was pretty fucking stupid though so he only walked. all of the slow kids got trampled in the hallways.
'this is called natural selection' bespoke an unfamiliar girl who john did not know who gestured to the dead kids getting stomped on.
'who are you' startled john
'my name is rose' answered rose lalonde from homestuck 'i was good friends with hermione before she was executed'
'good riddance to bad rubbish' dismissed john 'you look like a satanist vampire'
'my roommate is a vampire' grinned rose 'but lets change the subject. i heard you killed dumbledoor.'
'preposteous! that old geezer killed himself!'
'thats not what my autopsy showed' suggested rose 'macdonalds fingerprints were on dumbledoors neck and if macdonalds had been reading the names of the students in alphabetical order you wouldve been first so clearly she is trying to protect you for some reason. i think you two are accomplices and trying to take over hogwarts.'
all of the sudden macdonalds appeared. 'shut the fuck up stop talking and get your ass to the auditorium.' in accordance with school policy she picked rose up to carry her away to be spanked. it was a bit difficult since she was a bit of a porker but that also made her pasty ass a larger target. 'this is only further proof to my hypothesis' she shouted as she was whisked away. john waved goodbye ironically. he knew since the floggings were usually public at hogwarts her sentence would have to be carried out after the assembly. this means shed have to spend time in the dungeon. john thought this was funny. lol
n teh auditiorum it was very crowded. no one would let john sit next to them so he had to sit in the corner where no one could bother him. it smelled like mould.
'achtung!' began snape 'welcome to the public reading of album dumbelldoors will as instructed by him before his untimely death at the ripe young age of sixty nine.' one person laughed at the funny number and snape killed him with magic. 'lets see here... ahem... his elf slaves are bequeathed to ron weasley... uh hes absent so ill take them. his books and other nerd shit are bequeathed to herminone grainger. also not present currently. guess those are also mine! hm... oh dear... it seems he has handed down his position as superintendent of hogwarts city school district to... this cant be right...'
snape got out his reading glasses and looked at the pdf file on his phone more closely. he still couldnt believe it so he handed it to macdonalds. macdonal was also very confused but she was a professional so she declared 'HARRY POTTER'
everyone gasped in shock and awe. 'really? me?' asked harry incredulously. john wondered why people werent blaming harry potter for murder when he had so much to gain from it.
harry ran up to the stage and tripped on his scarf on the way up the stairs. snape laughed. unfortunately as snape continued reading he realized that harry was now his coworker. 'why me' wondered snape.
harry had prepared an acceptance speech. 'i am honored and excited to accept the position of president hogwarts. i have been working all of my life for this moment. this really is a dream come true! id like to thank myself for my hard work and dedication and dumbledore for dying. lets all have a clap!'
everyone applauded thunderously. little johnny hesitated but he realized if he didnt have the clap hed look even more like a murderer
all of a sudden something sudden happened suddenly. a blue telephone booth showed up out of nowhere and a skinny twink with sideburns stepped out. 'i am doctor who' he introduced 'and i know who killed professor dumbledore'