An Auror's Thoughts
Nymphadora Tonks was unable to focus on her work for days; she spent much of her time sitting behind her desk, barely able to focus on anything, and she was worrying many of her superiors. She was one of the youngest Aurors in the DMLE, and she had quickly become a veteran of several battles and skirmishes with the Death Eaters. Her skills and her talent as a metamorphamagus, which had earned her so much grief at Hogwarts, especially during the last few years as she had to date boys who wanted her to appear as their version of a sex doll, had allowed her to easily slip by and report Death Eater attacks. Her skills had been one of the many reasons why Albus Dumbledore himself wanted her to join the Order of the Phoenix.
Doing so brought her in contact with the former friends of Harry Potter.
Tonks had joined willingly because while she felt Amelia Bones was a damn good boss, only with Albus Dumbledore did they stand a chance against You-Know-Who. Bones was forced to toe the line because of Fudge, who refused to see the truth of the war and forced her to fight with stunners.
But joining the Order wasn't as exciting.
She had made the mistake of believing the Order would go out and launch attacks against the Death Eaters and their twisted leader, but it never happened. Instead, Dumbledore refused to let them do anything, and they spent their time in boring meetings, she was forced to train the next generation. The fact they were reminders of what Harry Potter supposedly did did not help, and that was before she even knew them.
Molly Weasley had this weird dislike about her kids using magic outside of school, though she seemed determined to transform her children into muggles, Tonks just didn't know why, the habit would likely cause problems for her children, who would not want to use magic to solve a problem. But Dumbledore overruled her concerns and Tonks was forced to train kids. She had not enjoyed the experience.
Ron Weasley was a greedy, pathetic little boy who boasted a great deal but he lacked both the common sense and the magical power to back them up. In contrast, his sister Ginny was a clear example of someone whose family had gradually lost their brain capacities and they suddenly leapt upwards when someone different came along. And Ginny was vicious with a wand. She had a great head for cursing, and she even had a few trademark spells in the form of a bat bogey hex, and she just needed some refinement.
Tonks had been a seventh year when Potter and his friends had come to Hogwarts as First Years, but even though they hadn't moved in the same social circles, even Tonks knew Hermione Granger was a bookworm and a Know-it-all. When she met the girl for the first time, Hermione instantly tried to dazzle her with what she thought was her spell repertoire.
Tonks, while she was impressed with Granger's ability to memorise spells, was quick to knock her down. And it was so pathetically simple. Granger was good at magic, but she was only good at it because she memorised spells, she could not improvise by herself.
For a whole year, while she worked between the Order and the DMLE, Tonks kept busy while she felt relieved one of the biggest traitors in magical history was locked up. But it had hurt her.
Tonks had known Lily and James Potter, and Harry became her little brother. When they were murdered, she never saw Harry again. She knew she could have spoken to him at Hogwarts when he was a first year, but Tonks was just not sure how to approach him. As a metamorphamagus, Tonks was good at reading body language, and there was just something about him that put her on edge. It was like there were two people, the person everyone expected and wanted to see, and the person he actually was - a darker, colder, person - were trying to live and work together. And it put her on edge. Tonks had never told her parents about what she saw, but it was enough to keep her away, and it was something she always regretted because she wished she had gotten to know her little brother again.
When Harry was accused of the murder of so many people, she instantly became angry at herself for not telling someone that something was wrong with him, but she was mostly angry with herself for not trying to reunite with her little brother. She had delighted in his misery when the magical suppression cuffs cut off his magic, believing that one more dark wizard was finally being dealt with.
Only to discover he was innocent the whole time. The discovery Harry was not a Death Eater had shattered so many people, but when Tonks remembered her own part she felt sick. She had personally volunteered to come to Azkaban to help free him, but instead, she watched as Harry killed the Dark Lord and his followers. Not that she cared; the bastards deserved it, especially her bitch of an aunt. Bellatrix was responsible for so much pain and loss, and it was a fight and a half to make sure nobody knew of their relationship, especially since many would not be forgiving.
Tonks had hoped, fervently hoped she could have the chance to speak to Harry. She had been so desperate to speak to him, really speak to him. Not only did she have to apologise to him, but she also had to know her little brother again.
Only it never happened. She had been too distraught when they'd come face to face in St Mungo's, but Harry had not been in the mood to talk, and the darkness she had seen in his body language was no longer hidden. He didn't care about anybody. And why should he, after the way he was treated his whole life?
Learning her little brother had been abused all his life had made her utterly ill, but it explained so much; his darkness, his desire to be left alone.
Alone...
Tonks had to struggle with every ounce of composure she had to stop herself from breaking down there and then. She wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into her bed and wish she could die. She wanted nothing more than to go back in time and make her younger 17-year-old self buck up the courage to speak to Harry, to let him know he was not alone, that he had people who loved him and fuck the consequences. Now she realised Albus Dumbledore had kept her and her parents away from him when they could have given him so much love as he deserved instead of him becoming little more than a traumatised, dark, white-haired shell of himself. Oh, Merlin. How the hell could they move beyond this?