The "Start" of It All
Regulus was on a deadline.
Well, no not really. No one had ever really pressured him into a deadline, but he always set one for himself. Always.
He didn't know what was different this time. He had a process, he would wait 'til he felt something about an ex relationship, or something about himself that he knew he needed to work on. Then he wrote. He wrote, then he sang, then he sent it to James for a critique.
He stared at his desk for a second longer, then he started writing.
James.
He was now all that was on his mind, Regulus was now so fixated on how it had felt, the love they felt for one another, the pain of knowing they could never actually have one another, that he hadn't even realized he had begun to write. His hand had stopped moving, but he wasn't finished, he reconstructed everything, James's face, how it felt to hold him, and then he wrote.
He remembered how scared James was, scared how Sirius would react, scared of what people would think, if it would change how people saw him, but he was never scared of Regulus. He wasn't scared of his feelings, he was scared of what could happen. Regulus remembered how jealous he was every time someone would ask James about Lily, or when someone would try and ask him out. How disappointed he was when James said they had to hide everything. Regulus knew why, he knew that it was not because James was scared of his sexuality, it was Regulus, that's why they had to hide it. He would've been killed if someone had found out he had feelings for a man, but especially a Potter. His parents despised James's family more than they despised their own, which was a very hard thing to beat. Neither Sirius nor Regulus knew why, but neither of them cared much since leaving that wretched house.
They had plans, Regulus and James did, how to sneak to each other, what excuses to use and when. It was harder for James to find a way to the Slytherin common room than it was for Regulus to get to the Gryffindor's. By the second month the portrait outside the Gryffindor common room had started to recognize Regulus. But not just because of James, apparently Sirius and the portrait got along quite well, and he has been mentioned in their conversations quite a few times.
___
When Regulus wrote, no one could tell what it was, only him. His first write of a song is his own, a sacred language only he can decipher. Except for James, somehow. It's phrases scattered everywhere, on top of other phrases, sometimes written backwards, or sideways. Regulus rarely ever looked at the paper he was writing on, he just thought, and wrote. But he knew what he had written, he remembered how his hands felt, how they moved across the page, that's how he knew. But when asked, he says he "just knows."
He looked at the paper, then started piecing his song together, writing the neat version on a new sheet, an 'eligible' version.
His eyes scanned the paper, looking for his first line;
Make sure nobody sees you leave
....
Hood over your head, keep your eyes down
Tell your friends you're out for a run
You'll be flushed when you return
Take the road less traveled by
Tell yourself you can always stop
..oh..
What started in beautiful rooms
Ends with meetings in parking lots
Oh Gods.
Regulus didn't intend to make what was meant as a song of genuine love start like.... this , but he never changes a first draft just because it's not how he thought it would go. He waits. Always.
He kept deciphering.
And that's the thing about illicit affairs
Illicit?
And clandestine meetings and longing stares
Oh Gods .
It's born from just one single glance
But it dies, and it dies, and it dies
A million little times
Illicit; forbidden by law. Clandestine; kept secret or done secretively, especially because…illicit.
Both being words he had never used to describe his relationship with James. Regulus was becoming more...disturbed? intrigued? by how far into his subconscious this would reach.
Leave the cologne on the shelf
That you picked out just for him
So you leave no trace behind..
No. Regulus stared at the next words he had written. How could Regulus write that? He had no right to feel that, it was the opposite of true. The page had become foggy from the tears forming in his eyes, he needed a break, he needed to clear his mind, he knew he did. But, he isn't going is he...no, he kept staring at the next line he shouldn't have dared to write.
Like you don't even exist.
He existed to James, he knew he did, James loved him. Why they had to hide wasn't either of their faults.
He just couldn't stop staring at those words.
___
By Gods Regulus loves his brother, him being on the verge of a (unnecessary and melodramatic) 'breakdown' is the perfect distraction from whatever is going on in Regulus's mind right now.
"REGULUS! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
It was. Sirius was panicking because his jacket didn't match his shirt, but he didn't want to exchange either of them, because "the shirt makes my abs look great and the jacket ishisfavorite!"
Regulus looked at his brother for a couple seconds with a blank expression, "I'm calling Remus." Regulus had already started dialing a number before saying that, and Sirius had stared at him with shock before running out of the room when hearing the phone actually start to ring. It wasn't Remus, though he will be hearing about this sometime tomorrow, embarrassing his older brother is Regulus' favorite pastime after all.
....
Oh the Gods hate him, don't they?
Regulus froze when he heard a very sleepy, very obviously-has-just-woken-up James answer the phone, "Hey Reggie." The drowsiness in his voice could be detected from across the damn world, not just because of how deep his voice is when he wakes up, because Regulus didn't even notice that, totally not. "HI-hi James." His voice came out scratchy, when did his throat get so dry? "I'm sorry if I woke you, I didn't know you were asleep." " 's fine, Reggie, I'm supposed to be up anyway. Whad'ya need? " Regulus could hear blankets rustling around and a quiet groan coming from the other end of the phone, he didn't feel anything about that, totally not. "I was kind of just using you to trick my brother into leaving me alone, he thinks I'm on the phone with Remus."
Regulus started wondering what James looked like right now, what he was wearing, maybe if his hair was messed up. " Oh, good plan, I do that sometimes. Can't believe it still works."
"Can I come over?" He said it so immediately it didn't even register in his own head. Nooo. I shouldn't have said that. Why did I ask that? Regulus did not plan on asking that, why did he ask that? James was quiet for a few seconds. "Uh yeah, sure, just gimme a couple minutes, text me when you're close." Oh. "Okay, see you in a bit. Bye!"
"Bye Reggie."
Regulus was beaming , he could hear the switch in James's voice when he asked to come over, he got..happier. "That was not Moony you bastard, you tricked me." Sirius was back at Regulus's doorway now, scowling at Regulus with a look that was meant to be stern, but never seemed to actually work at intimidating anyone. Regulus threw a shirt at his older brother, hitting him directly in the face. "You need to work on your scowl Sirius." Regulus said while getting up and heading for his closet, "You say that all the time! My scowl is fine and scary." He had already left the doorway and was halfway down the hall once he had finished talking. Regulus quietly smiled to himself.
He went through his closet till he found a suitable outfit, unlike Sirius he didn't take two hours just trying to find the 'right pair’ of pants. Then he left, ignoring his brothers questions of "Oo are you going on a date?"
__
It was always different when it was just them, just Regulus and James. They were constantly suffocated by each other, in the absolute best way possible. When they were alone it felt as if they are the only two that truly exist, whenever another is mentioned it's always fond memories, it's never a 'I wonder what Sirius is doing?' or 'Do you think Remus would want to come with us?' It was just reminiscence of their loved ones, as if they had been long gone, and it was only them left.
Regulus' mind was blank on the drive there, somehow only focused on the music blaring from his car. It wasn't until he was at James' doorstep he was hit with the overwhelming sense of. . . James, the decorations surrounding every inch of his porch, the cold November air mixing with the scent of cedar from the walls of James' cabin. Regulus understood the appeal James' felt when choosing a place to live. It had a sense of comfort, even when the walls were empty and no one was there to drown themselves in that feeling of safety and love, perfect for the man who was the same. Regulus rang the doorbell, the feelings of calmness had washed over him after realizing...this is James, Regulus could come to him and say he had used an unforgivable curse on someone and James would still welcome him into the house with a 'Come in your majesty' and a bow as if Regulus was the King of England. And James did just that.
Regulus wasted no time with formalities, he had been to James' house millions of times before, he had a key so he could come whenever needed. He still rang the doorbell, and James never stopped him, never told him to just come in, he would open the door, welcome Regulus, and bow. That's what he always did. And it's what he would continue to do. Regulus took off his coat and placed it on the back of James' sofa, before falling over the same spot onto his back, he didn't realize how much he missed being in this house. It was everyone's hang out spot, their own house could never be as comforting as James'. James may be the only one who actually lived here, but it was everyone's home.
Regulus had his eyes closed, basking in the feeling of safety. After a couple seconds he opened them to find James sitting in the spot beside him, sitting properly, almost. He had his knees pulled up to his chest with his arms and head rested on them, looking directly at Regulus. Regulus turned his head to the side, facing James fully, "Why are you staring at me? If you wanna see something pretty find a mirror." He said with a smirk on his face before looking back at the ceiling. James grabbed something off of the coffee table, when Regulus once again turned his head he saw his own reflection. Realizing what James was doing, he sat up, sitting cross-legged opposite James. "Now I can't see you, you lied to me." Regulus reached his hand onto the top of the handheld mirror, briefly seeing James fake pout after his statement, and he turned it to face the beauty Regulus was actually mentioning.
"There's the real view, sweetheart." James' hand fell, revealing a smile and a tint of pink on both of their faces, but more so on James' face. It was the pet name. 'Sweetheart' was one of the only pet names that actually got to James, and of course Regulus knew that. "Oh darling," his first strike. "If we were nature you would be the most perfect night sky imaginable." Regulus was red , he knew he was. Unlike James, every pet name got to him, and when people used the stars to compare..anything, really, it made him feel things. But James , James Potter , had just compared him to a 'perfect night sky,' no, 'the most perfect night sky.' It took him a second, way more than one, to regain his posture, "Oh but my love, you are the sun, what gives the sky it's life, if it were not for you the moon would not have it's light, nor would I." James stared in shock, "Where..where did that come from?" James said with adoration in his eyes, along with visible confusion to how he could counter that, though his chance was long gone. Regulus just shrugged along with his answer, "I was writing earlier, maybe I'm still in the poetic mood. Or maybe it's just you." James' face twisted into a smile, not just any smile though. It was the kind of smile the poets dreamed they could capture in their writing, the smile that only the Gods could have the gift of capturing in a painting. And right now, Regulus was the only one who could see it.
They kept eye contact for what felt like eternity, both of them filled with adoration for the other, until James did what can only be called curling into a ball, putting his head in between his knees and his chest. "James, are you okay?" Regulus was immediately brought to worry over what was wrong, if it was him, maybe he had gone too far. "I'm fine, just a little tired." James said quietly, not moving from his position, still leaning his side against the back of the couch. "James, you've been sleeping an awful lot lately. Are you okay?" Regulus knew it was dumb to ask, but James was always open about his feelings when talking to Regulus, or anyone for that matter. But James stayed silent. Regulus put his hand over James' and held it, contact in any way has always been a big comfort for James, and him being comfortable would be Regulus' dying wish.
James had this problem in school too, sometimes it got so noticeable he was taken out of the dorms as to not disturb the others. "The dark?" When James answered his voice came out scratchy, as if he hasn't had water for days, "The dark."
Regulus always wondered what caused James to have this fear, it was the one thing he would never talk about. Nobody knew, not even Sirius. James had pressure points, very few things that could push him over the edge or break him, and his fears, especially this one, was one of them. For his first jobs after leaving the Aurors, he specifically requested to have the night shift, just to have an excuse for sleeping so much during the day. That's what confused everyone, he wasn't scared of being in the dark, he was scared of being in hishouse while it's dark, any of his houses.
That's when Regulus noticed James was asleep, he didn't know why, but it seemed James slept better when someone else was around. James can sleep just fine, doesn't normally have nightmares or anything, he just couldn't be in the dark. And of course Regulus would never notice just how much his presence calmed James down. No matter how many times he's been told, he never believed it. He always thought it was a coincidence, he never noticed how James' eyes would stay on him for a second longer than they would everyone else, or that James would always end up sleeping on Regulus' shoulder on movie night, rather than Sirius or Remus or anyone else sitting beside him, always Regulus. He wouldn't notice how James would always tend to look for him in any event they were both at, or when Sirius would smack his arms after James stared at him for a little bit too long.
But to be fair, James didn't notice anything either. He didn't notice how Regulus would tell him everything, things that nobody else knows, things he doesn't even tell his brother. He wouldn't notice how Regulus tended to gravitate James at parties, or that he always sat by him at movie night. He didn't notice that Regulus would do anything to make their touches last the tiniest bit longer, or that James was the only person Regulus trusted enough to hear his rough drafts, or share his annoyance about interviewers, because Regulus knew James understood. And if he did notice, he didn't understand the exact reason.
But the person who did, was the person who loved both of them more than life itself, and hated the fact that they were in love. Well, hated how fucking oblivious they are about being in love. Sirius would constantly nudge James and point out how his brother was staring at him, 'Oh he was just zoned out,' 'No the fuck he was not. ' He would constantly tease Regulus about how James made fucking work schedules around Regulus, and how obvious it was when James was pining for him, but no, 'Sirius, it's nothing, he makes plans around you too,' 'Yeah well not fucking meetings .'
Every time Sirius would put an exaggeration on the 'meetings' part, Regulus would go quiet for a second, clearly contemplating. James may have been known for the incredibly healthy work-life balance, but he was also known for taking the work part seriously, he never skimped out on a client because of something minuscule, he made everything perfect for studio sessions. If there were any technical difficulties, he fixed them with his tech crew, and didn't burden the artist with things they had no need to worry about. He wanted the artist to be the most relaxed and not have to worry about unnecessary things for time, in case of re-recordings.
And Sirius found something left on Regulus' desk that might help.
Now, of course, Regulus used James' record label for his music, and they tended to have a lot of conversations about what the songs meant in the booth, mainly to provoke the right emotions, to make it sound the most natural, but also because James just wanted to know. There were a handful of songs Sirius had no idea the meaning of, but James knew everything .
When Sirius found his brother's incomplete translation from his first write, he called James. James was the only other person besides Regulus that knew how to read this shit. He thought something like this might help them get a little closer.