Chapter 13
The whistle blew and Sirius touched down on the pitch without a thought, making a beeline for the locker room. He couldn’t wait to get back to his bed. He couldn’t even bring himself to be upset about their loss against Slytherin. He just needed to go back to the dorm and take a short nap before going to see Remus in the hospital wing.
He got changed out of his quidditch kit in a fog, ignoring the dejected faces around him, except James’. They had both overestimated their ability to play without any sleep. They weren’t terrible and maybe their teammates didn’t even notice, but they knew they were off their game. It was a close call, but in the end, it was the Slytherin seeker that caught the snitch.
They had tried to take it easy the night before, tried to keep Moony inside the Shrieking Shack but once the wolf was out, he wanted to play and there was no good reason to keep him locked up with James there. They ended up deep within the Forbidden Forest, Prongs galloping behind the two canines with Wormtail perched behind his ears. Moony tore through the trees with an intensity that had been building for the past month that he remained dormant within Remus. It took everything in Padfoot just to keep up.
“Sorry, James,” Sirius said when they finally got back to the dorm. They had both collapsed on their respective beds, exhausted and sweaty.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“It’s been just Padfoot and Moony before, I could have handled it on my own. I don’t know why—.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it, Sirius,” James interrupted.
“Yeah, I know,” Sirius said and closed his eyes. When they opened again, the room was different. The sun must have sunk low behind the other side of the castle and the dorm was drifting into darkness.
It must have been the sound of the door that woke him up. He heard Remus patter around the room and then sit down on James’ bed.
“Alright, Moony?” James said. From the sound of his voice, Sirius could tell that he had just woken up.
“’M fine,” Remus mumbled. “Sorry about the game.”
“You heard?”
“Saw some Slytherins celebrating on my way up.”
“Those wankers,” James said, but there was no anger in his voice.
“Yeah. How’s Sirius?”
His back was turned to them, so they must have thought he was still sleeping. He could feel their eyes on him as they continued to speak in hushed tones.
“Just tired, I think. He wanted to go see you.”
“I know. I’m glad he got some rest, though.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty; you know. We still gave those snake bastards a run for their money.”
“I’m sure you did,” Remus said, though he didn’t sound entirely convinced. He knew Remus and knew he would be holding it against himself for some time.
“Did we miss dinner?”
“I think you can still make it if you hurry.”
James groaned. “Not worth it.”
“Give me some time to shower and we can go down to the kitchens,” Remus offered.
“Deal.”
Sirius closed his eyes again as Remus passed his bed to go to the bathroom. For some reason, he didn’t want James and Remus to know he had heard their conversation. The shower turned on, and then off again a few minutes later, and Sirius still did not open his eyes.
He couldn’t shake the feeling that everything good was over now. They had already done their end-of-year prank, the last full moon of the school year had come and passed, and the quidditch cup had been played. The only thing left was exams, and Sirius wasn’t worried about those. With nothing to distract him, the unavoidable return to Grimmauld Place consumed his every thought.
He didn’t know why he was so scared. It’s not like his mother would actually kill him. She was cruel, sure, but he was still the heir. He could usually handle her harsh punishments— being locked in his room for a day or two, a couple of missed meals, or her favorite Oscausi. She had gotten worse over the years, though. Last year, he came back to school skinny and bruised all over. He knew well enough to know that this summer wouldn’t be any kinder to him.
His only comfort was that he and Regulus seemed to be on good terms. They had spoken, at least, and it didn’t seem like Sirius messed anything up too bad. He had learned his lesson after the last prank they had pulled on the Slytherins and left his little brother out of this last one. Then again, their mother would probably find some way to drive them apart again.
He didn’t mean to fall asleep again, didn’t even know when it happened.
Suddenly he was lying in his bed at Grimmauld Place. It was dark and the bedding smelled stale from months of unuse. The bedframe loomed above him like he was at the bottom of a canyon, and he could barely make out the dresser, the desk, the family portraits in the darkness. They were all things that had been placed in the room before he was born. There were no personal effects in the room, nothing that would indicate a teenager lived in it.
He heard the sound of the key opening the lock from the outside. “Dirty Pig Child!” His mother’s voice.
“Please, Mother.” His brother’s voice beside her, whimpering and pleading.
Get out of here, Reggie, he wanted to say but his voice was caught in his throat and his lips too slow to form the words.
His mother cursed. A thump and then a yelp sounded from outside of the door. Sirius needed to get up, go to Regulus, and shield him from Walburga’s wraith. He hid under the duvet instead, too cowardly to save his brother.
Silence. Then the lock clicked, and the door swung on its hinges.
Sirius woke with a start, and it took him a moment to remember he was still at school. It was dark in the room, but Sirius had never bothered to close his bedcurtains, so the light from the moon shone in through the window. The other’s had their curtains closed and Sirius could hear James and Peter snoring somewhere in the room.
He stayed awake for the rest of the night, counting his breaths and identifying the objects around him. James’ broom. Peter’s left shoe. Someone’s tie on the back of a chair. Remus’ book that had been left open on his nightstand. He could still hear his mother’s voice spewing her typical insults in the back of his head. Filthy. Dirty. Unlovable. Abomination.
The next few days passed and Sirius was lost in a sea of dread. He avoided sleeping, and when he couldn’t any longer, he put a silencing charm around his bed and woke in a cold sweat only a few hours later. Exams were a piece of cake, even without proper sleep, so Sirius wasn’t concerned about it affecting his marks. Besides, the more he slept, the faster time would pass him by, and he didn’t want that.
The dorm became barer as the other three began to pack up their things to take home. Even so, it still felt cozier than his room back at Grimmauld Place. The red and gold curtains around their beds and along the windows gave the room warmth that wasn’t present in his other room. There were a few photographs of them and some of the other Gryffindors that were still tacked onto the wall with a permanent sticking charm. It was full of life even when no one was there.
Sirius hadn’t started packing yet. He did the same thing every year, throwing only the necessities into his trunk in the last hour before they went to the train. Although most of his stuff had to stay at school if he ever wanted to see it again, he still found himself struggling to finish packing in time. He knew he should have started earlier, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He had taken to wandering the corridors at night and in between exams. He always had the map with him nowadays, making sure he didn’t run into anyone. During meals, he camped out in the dorm room while the other students ate.
It wasn’t like he was trying to avoid his friends; it was just that he couldn’t be around all of those people, especially not when everyone was so excited to be almost done with classes and happy to be heading home. He was skipping lunch on Thursday when James and Remus found him.
He had been smoking in the dorm, sitting on the windowsill with his legs folded up to fit along the ledge. He tried to put his cigarette out quickly when he heard the door open, before James got mad at him for smoking inside again but ended up getting smoke in his eyes in the process.
“Sirius?” James called as Sirius rubbed at his stinging eyes.
Sirius knew what it looked like. “I’m not crying,” he said. “I got smoke in my bloody eye.”
“I know,” James said. “We brought you some lunch.”
“Cheers.” Sirius climbed down from the window and took the food that James handed him. It was roast beef on pumpernickel, held together with mashed potatoes and gravy.
It wasn’t something he would ever make for himself, not even when he was high. He took a bite anyway. He was hungry. He knew he shouldn’t have been skipping meals, not when he was probably going to be skipping a whole lot once he went back home.
“I want you to keep in touch over the summer,” James blurted out.
Sirius swallowed a mouthful of James’ sandwich. “You know I can’t.”
“I know, that’s why I got you something.” James went to his trunk and brought out two identical drawstring satchels that had been tucked between his folded clothes. He handed one to Sirius. “Open it.”
Sirius pulled out a small handled mirror. It looked old and feminine like something Walburga or one of his cousins would keep on their dressing tables. “What is it?”
“Look.” James pulled out the matching mirror from the satchel he still held in his hands. A perfect pair. James tapped on the glass and whispered his name.
The mirror in his hands fogged up, and then James’s face appeared within the frame.
“Hi, Pads,” James said, his voice echoing through the mirror.
Sirius smiled. “Hi, Prongs.”
“Now we can talk every day.” He made it sound fun like they would just be two kids playing with a cool new toy, but Sirius knew the real reason for the unexpected gift. It was so James to check in on him, to make sure he was being fed regularly, to make sure he was still alive.
“This is amazing,” Sirius said, ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach and the guilt that came with making his friends worry throughout the summer when they should be carefree. “Where did you get these?”
“Dad owled them this morning. He’s had them for years, but they’ve just been collecting dust in his study. He figured we would get more use out of them.” James’ parents didn’t know exactly how horrible Sirius’s were. James had begged him to let him tell them, he was sure they would be able to do something, but Sirius knew it would be futile— his parents were too powerful, too connected. The Potters knew that he hated going home, but as far as they knew, it was just because his parents were overly strict.
Sirius placed the mirror gently on the bed then threw his arms around James. “This is the best Prongs, really,” he said, squeezing him tightly enough to lift his feet off of the floor.
“You better use it. I mean it, I want to hear from you every day,” he said, returning the hug.
“I’ll use it so much you’ll be sick of me.”
“Good.” Their hug quickly turned into them messing around. James rubbed his knuckles into the top of his head, making his hair frizz up, and Sirius poked his finger between his ribs.
“Ow,” James yelped and pushed his hands away. “Quit it, Pads.”
Sirius laughed, “Love you.”
“Love you, too, mate.” They hugged again, nicer this time, a real Potter hug. All of the Potters hugged the same way when they meant it, it was warm and all-encompassing. He had learned that when he spent his first holiday with them back in first year, unbeknownst to his own parents.
Why are your parents always grabbing me? He remembered asking James after his first week in the Potter house.
It’s a hug, James had said, confused.
I know, Sirius had said. It’s just weird.
Do you want me to tell them to stop?
No, it’s okay.
They pulled away from each other when Remus cleared his throat. He had been quiet throughout the whole exchange, so quiet that Sirius would have forgotten he was there if he wasn’t so hyperaware of the other boy at all times.
“Right,” James said when Remus gave him a pointed look. “I’ll give you two some privacy.” James left and Sirius was surprised he didn’t wiggle his eyebrows, or anything equally embarrassing.
“Hey,” Remus said, shyly, once they could no longer hear James on the stairs.
“Hey.”
“I have something for you, too, though it’s not as cool as James’ gift.”
“Yeah?”
Remus unlatched his trunk and grabbed a folded-up sweater from inside. It was one he wore often, and it was obvious that Remus had chosen it specifically for its color—dark gray and green that he would be able to wear in front of his parents and not get in trouble. It was perfect. Even in the summer months, it was freezing at Grimmauld Place, and he always had a hard time relieving the chill from his bones enough to sleep.
It even smelled like Remus— spicey and earthy. He must have worn it recently. Sirius couldn’t help himself as he brought the knit to his face and took a deep breath. Remus chuckled but Sirius didn’t have it in him to feel embarrassed. Maybe he would if he wasn’t already so full of feelings about returning home.
“This is great, Moony,” Sirius said, holding his arms open for a hug. It wasn’t abnormal for them to hug— Sirius was known to be pretty touchy with his friends, it was something he had picked up from spending so much time with James. It felt different this time, though. Sirius wound his arms around Remus’ torso and tucked himself under his chin. They stood like that for a few minutes until Remus said his name, sounding more severe than he had before.
“Padfoot, I need you to do something for me, okay?”
“What is it?” Sirius pulled away from him slightly, enough to look him in the eyes.
“I need you to be careful this summer,” Remus continued.
Sirius pulled away more, this time ready to protest. It was no use to be careful. It’s not like he was able to control his mother’s moods.
“No,” Remus pulled him back into his arms. “I know what they do to you isn’t your fault. That’s not what I’m trying to say.”
Sirius stayed quiet, urging him to go on.
“I just— just try to keep a low profile, alright? Keep your head down, and all that.” Remus paused, then added in a thick whisper, “Just please come back to me, okay?”
She’s not going to kill me, he wanted to say, but even he didn’t know for sure anymore. Anything could happen. “I always come back,” he said instead.
Remus gave him a look, brooding and hopeless. Sirius never wanted to divulge much about his home life. He even tried to keep it a secret at first, but Remus just knew. All of his friends just knew without him having to tell them. It could have been the way he came back weird every year, off in a way that was so unlike how he usually was. It always took him a week or two to come back to himself. Or it could have been times like these, when he became wracked with anxiety at the mere thought of going home. It didn’t take a genius to guess what was going on.
“I will. I promise I will,” he said. It was only 10 weeks. He could keep his mouth shut for 10 weeks. Maybe. “I can’t leave you without a soul mate, can I?” He smiled, trying to ease the tension in the air.
It worked. “No, you can’t,” Remus laughed.
They stood like that, embracing, until they heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Remus held him by the shoulders, arm’s length away, and seemed to be contemplating something. He furrowed his brow before coming to a decision. He pulled Sirius to him once more and pressed his lips against his forehead.
His lips were soft and warm, and Sirius let himself close his eyes against the touch. He stifled the giddy little giggle that he felt bubble up inside of his chest and reveled in the momentary emptiness in his head. Everything he had been worrying about forgotten for the few seconds of contact. He didn’t let himself think about why Remus did it, didn't let himself think that maybe Remus was afraid that he would never get the chance to do it properly if Sirius didn’t come back in the fall.
The footsteps sounded closer, and Remus dropped his arms, pulling away from Sirius entirely as the door opened, and Peter walked in looking frantic. “Please tell me one of you has a spare ink pot,” Peter asked, oblivious to what he was interrupting. He held up his hands to show black ink stains on his palms and fingers. “Mine exploded and I’m late to meet Susanna.”
Sirius looked away from Remus, reluctantly, still mourning the loss of contact. “Take the one on my desk, Pete.”
“Thanks, Pads,” he said, heading back out the door in a rush. He stopped abruptly and turned back to the other two. “I think Su’s gonna let me kiss her soon.”
“That’s great, Pete.”
“What are you doing here then?” Sirius said. “Go on.”
Peter was gone again, just as fast as he came in. He had been spending a lot of time in the library or the Ravenclaw common room with Susanna. He even sat with her at meals sometimes. Sirius didn’t blame him. He knew what it felt like to want to spend every waking moment with someone—to feel not right when they weren’t around. He had been the same way only a few weeks ago.
“You look tired,” Remus observed once they were alone again.
Sirius nodded, he couldn’t deny it, couldn’t even pretend to be offended. “I haven’t been able to sleep,” Sirius confessed.
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah.”
“We could take a nap,” Remus offered. “Together. That way I can wake you up if you have one.”
“Don’t you need to study?” Sirius asked, but just as a formality. He was already inching towards his own bed.
Remus just shrugged and pulled back Sirius’ curtain without a word. He let Sirius climb in first, then himself, pressing up against his back as the curtain swished back into place. “This okay?” he asked.
More than okay, I’m chuffed actually. You could take me right here. “Yeah,” he said instead. Remus had already given him more than enough with just that little kiss. He would think about it all summer, he knew his brain would transport him back to that moment whenever it got tough. Now going home didn’t seem so bad anymore. He just had to keep his head down, right? Just needed to power through. He could do it. There was just one last thing he needed to do.
Remus’ breathing had slowed down, but Sirius knew he wasn’t sleeping yet. “Moony?” he whispered.
“Hmm?”
“Can you help me pack later?” Remus knew what that meant. Can you do it for me?
“Yeah, I can help you.”
…
James didn’t feel like going to the end-of-year feast. He didn’t want to sit through another one of Dumbledor’s boring, yet cryptic speeches where he danced around the brewing war. He didn’t want to be upstaged by Gid and Fab’s prank (no offense to the twins, he could only hope the marauders could get to their level someday). And most of all, he didn’t want to see Dumbledor award the House Cup to Slytherin. It wasn’t even like Gryffindor was still in the running, but it was just a little too soon after losing the Quidditch cup to them. Besides, he didn’t think he would be able to keep his face in check when the old man announced the winner, and he didn’t want to make Remus feel even worse (James knew he was lying when he said he knew it wasn’t his fault).
Instead, he walked right out the doors and onto the grounds. He didn’t even have to take one of the secret passages since everyone, even Filch, was at the feast. It was starting to get dark already, the sun was half covered by the horizon and the last streaks of light were quickly fading.
He wanted to go to the forest one last time, to run around as Prongs, before summer break. He doubted he would get many chances, if any, to change over the break. His parents had a big property that sat up against a thick canopy of trees, but he couldn’t risk his parents finding out. He was sure their wards would alert them if there was suspicious activity, and a giant antlered stag would definitely be suspicious. They wouldn’t turn him into the ministry for being an illegal animagi, but they would be disappointed, and James didn’t know if he could handle that.
He decided to walk over to the area of the Black Lake that was guarded by the forest. The shore was rocky, but there was enough tree coverage to hide his transformation in case someone else had decided to skip dinner, too.
And it was a good thing he decided to wait because there was someone sitting alone on a large piece of driftwood just a few paces away from where the water lapped against the shore. It was a student, from the looks of the robes, with dark hair. They were hunched over something. James walked closer to see who it was. Even with his glasses, he had a hard time seeing in the dark. Maybe it was time for his dad to adjust the charms on his lenses.
As he came closer, a twig broke under his foot and made a sound that stood out amongst the other sounds of the forest. Whoever it was whipped their head around like a deer in the road to look at him and James caught a glimpse of a familiar face.
Sirius? No can’t be, Sirius is at dinner. He looked at the figure, quizzically, until his brain caught up with him. Oh, must Regulus. Merlin, they look so similar.
Regulus had already turned back around, after coming to the conclusion that James wasn’t a threat. “Hullo,” James called out, but Regulus didn’t turn back around or acknowledge him at all. James approached him slowly as if he was a wild animal. Regulus still wouldn’t look at him.
James could see him more clearly now that he had come closer. He had one of those expensive quills in his hands, the ones that were charmed not to need ink, and a leather moleskin perched on his lap, which he snapped closed as James came to sit next to him on the debris.
“Why aren’t you at the feast?” James asked him.
Regulus just shrugged his shoulders, fiddling with the feathered tip of his quill.
“Not hungry?”
Regulus shook his head. His lips remained in a tight line that looked like it could almost be a frown. Not talking then, James thought.
“Me neither,” James said, then thought better of it. “Actually, I’m starving, but I just couldn’t go. I’ll probably just get something from the kitchens. You know how to get into the kitchens, right? You just tickle the pear on that painting of the fruit bowl, the one in the entrance hall..”
James trailed off as Regulus flipped his journal open to a blank page. He realized he had been talking too much. Sirius had always said that his brother never talked much, and James had never seen him talking, even when he passed him and his friends in the halls. He was probably annoying Regulus with how much he was blabbering. He has been at the lake by himself, after all, probably for a bit of quiet time, but the silence made James feel like he needed to fill it.
James was brought out of his thoughts when he realized Regulus had written something on the page. He angled it towards James so he could read. His handwriting was neat and elegant, just like the letters he had sent on Easter.
Why couldn’t you go?
Huh, James thought. Oh, he means why couldn’t I go to the feast.
“Because I’m a sore loser,” he answered, matter-of-factly.
Regulus exhaled, making a noise that sounded like it was halfway to a laugh.
I knew that already.
“I’m sure. I’m not subtle, am I.”
Regulus shook his head but didn’t write anything else, so James kept talking. “What’d you think of our prank the other day? It was good right?” Sirius didn’t know, but James had seen the two of them together for a few seconds that night. Sirius hadn’t told any of them beforehand, but James remembered the promise that he made to Sirius that day behind the tapestry. Regulus was never meant to be included.
Regulus rolled his eyes.
It was stupid.
James laughed. “It was so stupid. You loved it, though.”
Regulus smiled, didn’t try to deny it.
I have heard that song before.
“Yeah? You’ve heard Led Zeppelin? Did Sirius play them for you?”
With a shake of his head, Regulus wrote more.
No. No music allowed.
“Oh, right. Where’d you hear it, then?”
Pandora.
“Ah, Lovegood. You hang out with her a lot. Is she like your girlfriend or something?”
Regulus gave him an annoyed look.
Just because she is a girl, does not mean we are dating.
He paused, then added something else.
Moron.
“Right, sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.”
Regulus didn’t write anything after that. He still looked annoyed, and James was worried that he had offended him with his question. James toed a stone loose from the damp soil and flipped it a few times, just something to do with his body until the awkward moment passed.
James sighed finally. They had been watching the waves come in for some time, James’s question hopefully forgotten. It was peaceful, but there was too much on James’ mind to stay quiet for long. “Can I ask you something?”
Regulus looked at him from the corner of his eye. James took it as a cue to continue.
“Can you just watch out for Sirius? I know they’re a bit easier on you and— just try to make sure he keeps his temper checked. I know you mum and him don’t get on and I don’t want him to make it worse for himself.”
They are not easier on me.
“Oh, I thought—”
I will try.
“Thanks. Thank you,” James said. They were quiet again and James just let it be, no longer feeling like he had to fill the silence with pointless chatter. The later it got, the more sounds they started to hear from within the forest. The nocturnal creatures must have been getting up for the night.
“It’s probably not the best idea for us to be here at night,” James said, finally.
Scared?
“No, but a lot of things live in the forest. We’re like disturbing the territory or something like that. It’s rude,” James said with a shrug.
Fine. Let’s head back then.
James raised from his seat. His legs were stiff from sitting so long. He started to walk towards the castle but quickly realized that Regulus wasn’t following him. “What are you waiting for?”
You first.
“What, too embarrassed to be seen with me?”
Yes.
“Fine, but don’t stay too long. I won’t be taking the blame if you end up being taken by the centaurs,” James called as he started to trudge his way back to the dorm where he would, hopefully, sleep soundly until it was time for them to catch the train in the morning.
…
The next morning had been hectic. James was pulled from his slumber when Remus jumped up from bed in a haste and flung all of their bedcurtains open with the flick of his wand. “Oi, we slept in. Lads wake up now, we’re late.”
Peter shot up in his bed. “Do we have time to make the train?”
“If we run.”
James threw his covers back and lunged for his shoes. He didn’t bother changing out of his pajamas, there was no time. There wasn’t even time to comment on Remus’s perfectly made, untouched bed and the fact that he had obviously slept in Sirius’s that night.
“Alright, let’s go,” Remus said, ushering the others out the door. James said a silent thank you to Merlin that Sirius’s trunk was already packed. He always left it for the last minute, but, by some miracle, he was packed and ready to go.
They made it to the entrance hall right before the last couple of horseless carriages left for the station. They squeeze in beside two first years who looked at them with wide, nervous eyes.
“Morning,” James said to them as he straightened himself out and finally tied his shoelaces that he had just stuffed into the side of his shoes. The first years didn’t say anything but one of them gave him a small smile before looking away. James just shrugged them off— he was sure he was just as weird at that age, less quiet, but definitely just as weird.
Peter recounted the events of the feast and the Prewett prank in the carriage and continued once they were seated in their usual cab on the train. He had told them before dinner that he was feeling crummy and wanted to get a check-up with Pomfrey, so they didn’t ask where he had been or why he wasn’t there. They didn’t question him— lying about being sick was more of Remus’s thing and even he had grown out of that.
“I can’t believe they rode their brooms in the Great Hall, that’s been a dream of mine since first year,” James said when Peter finished his tale.
“I know,” Peter agreed. “At this point, they’re going to be Hogwarts legends by the time they finish 7th year.”
“Just imagine Gid and Fab with their own chocolate frog card,” Sirius interjected.
“Or cards,” Remus said. “There are two of them. I wonder if they’ll give them each their own separate card.”
“No way,” James exclaimed. “You can’t separate the twins.”
The door slid open suddenly with a bang that shook their entire train car and there were two green-robed Slytherins in the doorway. One of them could be considered average-looking if it wasn’t for his soft, cherubic features that were greatly contrasted by a hard look in his eyes. The other was scrawny and angular. His tongue darted out of his mouth to wet his lips like a lizard. Sirius sat up immediately, he obviously recognized them. Rosier and Crouch. Regulus’s friends. They had all seen the younger Black brother with them before.
“Black,” Crouch said, the other one didn’t talk and stood behind his friend like a shadow. “It’s your brother.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, man, he’s freaking out. He’s breathing all weird and—” Sirius didn’t let Crouch finish his sentence before he was out the door.