Chapter 6
Golden hour. A ray of soft golden light broke through the clouds and streamed in through the ornate windows of the library. Sometimes the beauty of the castle overwhelmed Remus, rendering him entirely speechless. It was all something that he never thought he would get to experience. His mother, Hope, had hidden the existence of magic from him for as long as she could, but he had already been having accidental magic flare-ups by the time he was bitten at the age of 5. She had played them off as miracles from God until then, but it was kind of hard to explain why God would want him to suffer and hurt himself every month, so the truth became unavoidable.
But with the awareness of magic came the awareness of his status as a magical beast and the stigma that came with that. His father, whom he had been forced to spend awkward visitations with, told him of his time at Hogwarts, of his school friends and professors, and Remus knew he would never be able to go there. His father had admitted himself that werewolves were not permitted to go to Hogwarts.
One day when Remus was in grade four, his father had shown up at their flat with days-old stubble and reeking of alcohol. It was that day his father told him who he was in the wizarding world – a high-up ministry official in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures—and why Remus had been targeted by the werewolf who had bitten him. It was the first time Remus had heard the name Fenrir Grayback. That day his father had screamed at him, calling him a vile, undeserving monster. Remus had cried so hard he threw up and his mother sent his father away. That was the last time he had ever seen him.
Remus had attended a muggle primary school in the neighborhood he and his mother lived in, and he had done well academically despite his monthly absences. The other kids were afraid of him; afraid of his scars and the way he got sick and had to miss school often; afraid they would catch something from him, so he had never made any friends at school. Remus knew he was different, so he didn’t blame their attitude toward him. There were a couple of older kids in the neighborhood that would take him in sometimes. They taught him how to fight and gave him his first cigarette and his first sip of beer, but they weren’t exactly friends.
He was shocked and confused when Dumbledore visited him at their flat on that hot August afternoon. His mother had called him to come inside, and he was covered in grass stains, sweat, and pot smoke when he saw the man in velvet robes who had come to tell them of the accommodations that had been put in place for Remus specifically. He didn’t even know he had received his letter; his mother had thrown it away before he even saw it. But Dumbledore had come to invite him personally. His mother didn’t want him to go. She didn’t trust the magical world—didn’t really know anything about it. She had said no and that was that until one day she changed her mind. Remus wasn’t even sure why, but he wasn’t complaining.
Lily closed her ancient runes textbook with a soft thud, bringing Remus out of his reverie, and groaned. “I think I’ve had enough studying for one day.” It was just the two of them in the library. Lily and Remus had started studying together in their first year, coming together due to their shared disadvantage from the other students who grew up in magical households. Sometimes Mary joined them, but most days it was just Remus and Lily. They were both used to high achievements, so it was a hit to their pride when their schoolwork didn’t come naturally to them as it did to some of the other students. Remus could never quash his fear that Dumbledore would change his mind.
“Hold on,” Remus replied turning back to the parchment in front of him. “I’m almost done with this potions essay.” It was the last week before the Easter holiday and their professors had laid the work on thick. The full moon fell on the first Saturday of the holiday and it only got harder to focus the closer it was to the moon, so procrastinating was out of the question. He was already sporting a mild headache as it was. He was bummed that a large portion of his break would be spent recovering in bed but at least he wouldn’t fall behind in his classes this month.
Lily ignored his attempts to focus and pulled the parchment out from under his quill.
“What?” He asked, it was obvious that she had something to tell him. Remus was her favorite person to gossip with because he always listened and never snitched.
She had a mischievous gleam in her eye. “You and Black looked pretty cozy the other night.”
Remus groaned internally but couldn’t stifle the smile that pulled at his lips. Two could play at that game. “Don’t think I didn’t see you sneak off with Prongs.”
“We’re not talking about me and Potter right now. What’s going on with you two?”
“Nothing, Lils.”
“Come on, I’m smarter than that. I have eyes, ya know.”
Remus looked around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear them. He scooted in his chair in and leaned in close to her across the table, she met him halfway with an eager ear. “Alright, well…” He paused, unsure of where to start or even if she would approve. He knew she was weird about the whole soulmate thing and Remus couldn’t really blame her for that. It was a pretty jarring thing to learn about when they started school. Remus was sure the other kids were pulling his leg until he caught a glimpse of a mark on an older boy in the common room.
“Spit it out already,”
“We’re soulmates.”
Lily sat back in her chair, staring at him with her mouth gaping open. Remus felt awkward under her scrutiny. “Are you sure,” she finally said.
“Yes, I’m pretty sure.” Not only did they have identical marks in the exact same place, but Remus could also feel it. It was subtle, but Remus could feel the magic pulling at him and it only got stronger, like a stitch in his side, when Sirius was around. It wasn’t something he had ever heard another wizard talking about, so he had chalked it up to being a wolf thing. Things were often slightly different for him, just enough to remind him that he was so unlike the others in his class.
“Huh, so you two are like what, boyfriends now?”
“No,” he answered shortly.
“No?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, you are boyfriends?”
“No,” Remus sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. He didn’t think he owed her an explanation, but she was one of his closest friends so maybe he did. “We’re waiting,” is all he said in the end.
Lily closed her mouth and pursed her lips tight. “Alright, then,” she muttered, flipping her textbook back open and flipping to a random page. She was mad, he could tell by the way she pursed her lips together.
“What, Lily?”
“Nothing,”
Remus raised an eyebrow at her, “Doesn’t sound like nothing.”
“It’s just that he’s a bit of a dog, don’t you think? Probably wants to wait so he can still have fun with other people and all that.”
The irony of Lily calling him a dog wasn’t lost on Remus, but he was a little too peeved to find it funny. “You don’t know anything about him,” he said through his teeth. Sure, they had all seen Sirius snog a couple of girls last fall after they came back to school from summer break, and that was hard for him, but Sirius hardly deserved the reputation he had. After his first couple of public snogging sessions, girls in every house started spreading rumors about him and soon half the girls at Hogwarts had snogged him and some even claimed that they had gone all the way with him. Sirius just never cared enough to dispel those rumors. Remus wasn’t actually sure how far he had gone with anyone, but he knew the majority of the rumors weren’t true. Angry, he gathered all of his parchment into his hands and got up to leave before Lily grabbed onto the strap of his bookbag and made him sit back down.
“Sorry Remus, I just don’t want you to let people treat you poorly just because you don’t think you deserve better.”
“Well, if you need to know, I’m the one who asked him to wait,” he said, thoroughly annoyed.
“Oh. Why?”
“I just— it just seems too easy for me to find my soul mate already. Things shouldn’t be this easy for me. They never are.”
“Remus you’re allowed to let yourself be happy. Just because you are a—” Lily stopped abruptly and looked down, avoiding eye contact with him. “Why don’t we start heading down to dinner?”
Remus froze in his seat and his face drained of color. The way she had stopped mid-sentence and tried to change the subject so abruptly made Remus feel like a pit had opened up in his stomach. “Lily,” he asked cautiously, “What do you know?” He was trying not to show the panic he felt on his face. “Did someone say something?”
“Listen,” she whispered, “I don’t know anything, but I have noticed things… like you seem to get sick every month…around the full moon…”
“Oh—um yeah—I,” Remus stammered. He was speechless. Did she really know? Remus tried to assuage his fears by remembering that there were other people who knew and accepted him for who he was. Could Lily be one of those people? He hoped so.
“I swear I didn’t mean to pry but I was reading something, and it just clicked for me,” Lily explained.
“What were you reading that made you so sure?” Remus had to be sure she didn’t have the wrong idea before he confirmed it for her. He hoped she was mistaken but it didn’t seem likely with her brain. She really was too smart for her own good.
“It was a memoir, written by Reika Tala. A werewolf.”
Remus sucked in a long breath and forced himself to exhale. Inhale, exhale, he reminded himself. Remus wasn’t able to speak but Lily gave him a sympathetic smile as he nodded, confirming her suspicions. Remus noted that it was a good sign that she didn’t immediately run away.
Remus cleared his throat. “Yeah—I’m yeah. I understand if—”
“It doesn’t change anything, Remus. Promise,” Lily said, cutting him off, and placing a delicate hand over his on the table.
“Does anyone else know?” Remus asked after he was able to swallow the lump in his throat.
“No, not that I know of. Unless—”
“Unless, what?”
“Well, Black knows, doesn’t he? It kind of seems like he knows.”
“Oh yeah, the boys know. Sirius was the first to figure it out.” Remus didn’t know why he was blushing. There was just something about Sirius paying enough attention to him to figure out his deep dark secret that made his face warm up.
“He’s supportive.” It wasn’t a question, but Remus nodded anyway. “Good,” she said resolutely and turned back to her Runes text. Remus tried to go back to his potions essay, but the conversation they just had was swimming around in his head. Lily knew and it wasn’t so bad. She had even handled it a lot more calmly than the boys. Maybe someday he would be able to tell her everything.
Remus sighed when he realized he wasn’t going to get any more work done that day. Screw his potions essay. Maybe if he asked nicely, Sirius would just finish it for him. “Let’s head down to dinner?” he asked then started rolling up his parchment when she agreed.
Lily hooked her arm around his as they left the library. She kept up a steady stream of chatter as they walked, for which Remus was grateful. His head was still swimming.
.....
It was a brisk afternoon, but a lot warmer than it had been in the last few weeks, and several students were taking advantage of the weather by sitting outside. Sirius and Marlene sat together in the courtyard, pouring over a muggle handmade magazine that they had knicked from Mary. She had called it a zine and said she had picked it up from a local record shop back home. The pictures didn’t move like wizarding ones did, but Sirius thought it was cool nonetheless.
“There she is, she’s fucking ace!” Marlene exclaimed, pointing to a woman with a microphone in the upcoming artist section. The picture was in black in white, but he could tell she was very blonde, almost as blonde as the Malfoys.
“Debbie Harry?” Sirius asked, reading the name in the caption.
“Yeah, she’s got this band called Blondie. Mary played them for us last night. Voice of an angel. You would love it!”
“Remus has never mentioned them,” Sirius mused, he only ever listened to the muggle music that Remus or his cousin Andy told him about.
Marlene rolled her eyes, “You two are insufferable, you know that?” Sirius gasped in faux offense and pushed her shoulder. She rolled up the paper and smacked him on the arm. “Wanker,” she muttered. “Well, they don’t even have an album out yet, just some live recordings. I think you would both like them, though.”
“Alright, we’ll give it a listen then.”
Marlene opened the magazine back up to the same page and sighed over the picture “Isn’t she just so pretty,” she mused.
“I don’t know, I’m more into Marc Bolan, myself.” They looked each other in all seriousness until they both burst out laughing. They both had tears leaking from the corners of their eyes by the time they were able to stop laughing.
“Did we just come out to each other?” Marlene said in a hushed tone.
“Sounds like it,” Sirius said, wiping his eyes. Marlene let out a couple of low chuckles and then they both went back to the magazine, flipping through the pages like nothing had happened. Things were always so easy with Marlene.
They stayed like that for a while, just enjoying the small amount of sunshine and talking about nothing important, until they noticed students were starting to head back inside for dinner. The two of them were getting ready to head inside when he saw his brother with the same crowd he was always with: Crouch, Rosier, and the Ravenclaw girl Pandora Lovegood.
“Do you think I could pull off bangs?” Marlene asked, pulling on her blonde locks, but Sirius was no longer paying attention to her.
“I have to go do something. I’ll see you at dinner, Marls,” he said, packing his bag with more haste than he had before.
Marlene followed Sirius’s line of sight and saw his little brother walking towards the great hall. “Alright, go ahead,” she said.
Sirius slung his bag around his shoulder and jogged to catch up to the younger Slytherin. “Reg, wait up. I need to talk to you,” he called out. Sirius had tried to talk to him since they pranked the Slytherins, but he was always with his friends and Sirius didn’t feel like dealing with those blood supremacists Crouch and Rosier, but with the Easter holiday just around the corner, Sirius was running out of time.
Regulus didn’t stop and didn’t even acknowledge that he had said anything. Crouch, a skinny boy with a rough demeanor, turned his head as they kept walking and flipped him the bird. “Fuck off, Black.”
Sirius returned the gesture but otherwise ignored him. “Reg, come on. We need to talk.” Sirius followed them all the way to the entrance of the Great Hall. Sirius could see him huff an annoyed sigh and then Regulus turned around to face his older brother. The other Slytherin boys and the Ravenclaw girl lingered behind him until Regulus shooed them away with a flick of his hand. They left reluctantly to take their seats for dinner.
Regulus gave his brother an expectant look and crossed his thin arms over his chest. His uniform and hair were immaculate, and his Black family ring twinkled as it reflected the light of the candles that floated above them. He raised a single eyebrow in a way that instantly reminded Sirius of their mother. He then felt a twinge of guilt at the unfair comparison.
“How are you?” He asked, lamely. He had been so focused on getting his brother to talk to him thathe hadn’t thought about what he was going to say, but he had to make sure Regulus wasn’t going home for the holidays. He couldn’t stand the thought of him being in that dreaded house alone with their awful parents.
Regulus stared at him blankly for a moment, but he eventually answered Sirius’ question with a shrug of his shoulders. In Regulus’s terms that was pretty good.
“Good. Good,” Sirius mumbled awkwardly. Regulus just stared at him. Sirius knew he only had a short amount of time before Regulus walked away from him, so he decided to bite the bullet. “Look, you’re not going home for hols, are you?”
Regulus shook his head no and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. His face was stoic as usual, but Sirius could sense the gratitude behind his eyes and knew he was glad to not have been demanded home. “You’re staying here then?” Again, Regulus shook his head. “Going home with one of your friends?” Regulus nodded and looked to the Ravenclaw table where the fair-haired Lovegood girl sat. “Do mother and father know?” Regulus shook his head with wide eyes. No, she didn’t look like someone their parents would approve of. And a Ravenclaw too. His mother would have a fit if she knew.
“Alright, I won’t say anything if you don’t. I’ll be at the Potter’s next week, so owl if you need anything, alright?” Regulus nodded. Sirius was silent for a moment and Regulus took that as the end of the conversation. He had started to drift away towards the Slytherin table when Sirius stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“One last thing Reg. I’m really sorry about the prank. You know when we flooded your dorms? I just – I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.”
Regulus gazed down at his own perfectly polished shoes. “It’s ok, Siri,” he said, his voice coming out as a raspy whisper. Sirius already had his hand on his shoulder, so it was easy to pull him into a quick hug. It lasted only a second and then Regulus was peering around them in all directions in case the wrong person saw their display of affection. “I have to go,” his voice was much clearer now, sterner.
“Alright, I’ll be seeing you.”
“See you,” he said quietly as he slipped away.
Sirius stood dumbly in the foyer as students passed him on their way to dinner. He mourned for the time when they were younger when his brother talked freely to him. They had been best friends, united in fear of their mother’s magical punishments. Now they hardly talked to each other. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder when everything went wrong for them.
“Alright, Pads?” he heard from behind. He turned to see Remus and Lily walking arm in arm. They were a funny sight with Remus being more than a head taller than her. It made Sirius smile.
“Yeah, I’m good. Heading to dinner?” They nodded and Sirius fell in line with them. James and Peter were already waiting for them at their usual spot and waved to them as they approached.