Chapter 2
“Please Poppy, you have to let me in to see him!”
“I’m sorry Mr. Black, but he needs his rest.”
Remus opened his eyes but was unable to focus on any of his surroundings. His head felt like it was wrapped in a warm, cotton cocoon and his body was heavy like a ton of bricks. He tried to speak, to call out to the voice he heard, but his tongue was too slow.
“Please, it’s important.”
“There’s nothing I can do. You may come back later when he wakes up.”
There was a soft, steady beeping somewhere behind him. Remus’ eyes closed against his will. He fought to open them once again, but he was no match for the dreamless sleep potion that was taking over. The voices seemed to fade away, or was it him?
…
When Remus opened his eyes for the second time that morning, Madam Pomfrey had her wand to his wrist, checking his pulse and vitals. The infirmary was brightly lit and smelled like disinfectant. The scent burned his nostrils. She scribbled something on his chart before realizing that he was finally awake.
“Oh good, you’re up,” the medi-witch said in her sweet voice. Remus blinked up at her, still trying to find his bearings. “How are you feeling?” She added when he didn’t say anything.
Remus groaned. “Stiff,” he replied shortly. He arched his back off the hospital bed, and it cracked loudly. He didn’t feel great, but it was nothing compared to how he felt after a full moon without his pack. At least he was all in one piece.
There was no one else in the hospital wing, besides him and Madame Pomfrey. He looked around and guessed that it was probably late in the morning already. He had surely slept through breakfast and possibly transfiguration.
“I’ll get you something for that.” She went to turn away from him and then paused. “Oh, and Mr. Lupin? Happy birthday.” She smiled and then closed the curtain around his cot.
Remus’ eyes widened. How could he forget? He threw the blanket off him and inspected his body. His bare legs were the same as they had always been—covered in a myriad of scars and light brown hair. His arms were very much the same. He lifted the blue hospital gown and peered at his chest and then— oh shit! There it was, only a few inches from the mottled scar tissue on his hip. A semi-circle of swirling white lines embossed in his flesh. He heard Pomfrey’s footsteps returning and dropped the gown to cover himself.
“Everything alright, dear?” Her brows furrowed with concern when she caught sight of his face. He must have looked like he saw a ghost.
Remus schooled his expression. “Yup, everything’s fine!” he said, too fast to seem natural.
“If you insist,” Madam Pomfrey tutted, “Anyways, drink this, it’ll make you feel much better.” She poured a small amount of purple liquid into a paper cup and watched to make sure he swallowed every drop. Remus winced at the sickeningly sweet taste and tried not to spit it back up.
“What time is it, by the way?” he asked, hoarsely.
“It’s just past 10, dear. Would you like some breakfast?” She motioned to a tray of eggs, toast, and juice that was floating to the side of his bed. Pomfrey had likely cast a heating charm on the plate of food to keep it warm until he was ready to eat it.
“No thank you,” Pomfrey looked at him disapprovingly at this. “Did anyone come by for me?” he asked quickly.
Pomfrey nodded and eyed him wearily. “Mr. Black has been particularly eager to see you this morning.”
He tried not to panic. Of course, Sirius had to have seen the mark after he transformed back this morning. Of course, he would want to talk about it. “If he comes back, can you send him in?”
“He hasn’t left since I brought you in this morning, dear. I made him wait out in the hall to let you sleep.” Remus couldn’t help the gasp that escaped his lips. “Would you like me to send him in?” she asked.
“Yes please.” Remus swallowed—he didn’t know if he was ready for this, if he would ever be ready for this. But he had to be brave.
Moments later, the grand double doors were opening, and Remus heard Sirius coming towards him quickly, heavy footsteps echoing in the large room. Remus tried to do the breathing exercises Pomfrey taught him before his first full moon at school.
“No running in my infirmary!”
“Sorry, Poppy!” he called to her, and his footsteps slowed, but only slightly. Remus took a deep breath and then the curtain around his bed was thrown open.
“I’m sorry,” Remus blurted out and clenched his eyes shut. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Sirius’ eyes and missed the way his smile faltered.
“What do you mean?” Sirius’ voice was lacking its usual self-assured confidence.
“I—I know you’ve seen it. I’m so sorry.” Remus felt tears well up and threaten to spill over. His throat ached as he tried to keep everything inside of him.
“Please don’t apologize, Moons.” The hospital bed dipped with Sirius’ weight and Remus opened his eyes. Sirius was suddenly very close to him, and Remus was looking directly into his eyes. They were bright with something Remus couldn’t quite put his finger on. This was it—Sirius was about to let him down easy.
“I am sorry, though. You deserve to have a better soul mate…like Mary or Gideon or—I don’t know. Someone cooler….not some dark creature like me.” Remus was ranting. The tears did spill this time and he couldn’t get them to stop. Every insecurity he had ever tried to repress came directly to the surface. He couldn’t stop it. Tears and snot flowed freely down his face.
Sirius gripped his face with both hands and forced him to look at him. “Moony, listen to me.” Remus sniffed but was quiet. “I assure you that you are the coolest person I know.” Remus tried to protest but Sirius squeezed him until he made a fish face with his lips. “Trust me, there is no one else I would rather be fated to. Okay?”
Remus was relieved but that didn’t make it fair. “You can do better, though.”
“Nope! I don’t want to hear any of that from you.” Sirius's hands dropped from his face to his shoulders and gave them a squeeze.
Remus sniffed again, nodded. There was no use fighting his words, he would never be able to out-stubborn Sirius. He still didn’t get how someone like Sirius—charismatic, popular, etc.—could ever see him worthy of being his soul mate, but Sirius wasn’t one to lie or sugar-coat anything. Sirius pulled his shirt sleeve over his hand and wiped at Remus’ tear-streaked face.
“Plus, you have that hot accent,” Sirius smirked at him, breaking the tender moment between them.
Remus cracked a smile for the first time that morning. “You said you couldn’t understand what I was saying first year.”
“I was just jealous because I sounded like the bloody queen.”
They laughed together before Sirius seemed to sober up. “You are happy it’s me, right?” Remus realized he wasn’t the only one with insecurities. Sirius had also had a lifetime of being told he wasn’t good enough.
Remus smirked at him. “Better you than Prongs, I guess,” Remus teased and was rewarded with a loud, bemused laugh. “You are rather pretty,” he added.
“I’m not pretty, I’m handsome,” Sirius scoffed indignantly.
Remus looked at his long wavy hair, high cheekbones, and full lips and eyelashes—not to mention the way he accessorized with more jewelry than was typical for boys their age. Remus raised a single eyebrow at him, “No, definitely pretty.”
Sirius thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. “Fair enough,” he replied.
After that, Sirius made him scoot over so he could make himself comfortable on the bed. He told Remus all about the night before, whispering so Pomfrey wouldn’t overhear them and expel him for going out to play with the werewolf. He told him about the two of them chasing rabbits and playing together and them trying to get Prongs and Wormy to play with them for once.
“Where are those two by the way?” Remus asked at the mention of their friends.
“Prongs is taking notes for us in Binn’s class and Wormy’s having a lie-in,” Sirius said through a mouthful of Remus’ unwanted toast. In fact, he didn’t know where the other two were and was glad they hadn’t come to look for him in the hospital wing yet. He had left them in the dorm as soon as he was able to get away without raising suspicion.
“Did you tell them?”
“No,” Sirius looked bashful. “I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Remus hummed. “Are we going to tell them?” he mumbled. He played with a loose thread on the blanket that lay over his legs. He wasn’t ashamed, but he wasn’t excited for the many awkward conversations that were bound to happen. He tended to keep these kinds of things to himself, and it embarrassed him to think about their entire year knowing the extent of his feelings for Sirius.
“We don’t have to,” Sirius said quickly. “We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do?”
“Right. So, what happens next for us?”
“What do you want to happen next?”
Remus chewed on his lip and thought about it. “I’m a bit nervous that I’m going to muck this all up, ya know. People don’t usually find their soul mates at 15. What if things change between us?” Remus started to feel himself spiral.
“Nothing has to change between us until you’re ready. We’ll take it slow. We have the rest of our lives to be together.”
“You would wait for me then?”
There was no questioning it. “Of course, I would. I would wait forever for you, Moons.”
Remus relaxed into the bed, relieved. Pomfrey popped her head behind the curtain, “Alright, 10 more minutes and off to class with you, Mr. Black.” Remus realized that she probably overheard at least some of the conversation. He blushed. Pomfrey left them to say their goodbyes in private.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“That you will, Moons, we have a special celebration planned for you tonight.” Sirius felt reluctant to leave but he didn’t have much of a choice.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Couldn’t avoid that, could I.”
“Nope!” Sirius turned to leave and then added. “I won’t tell anyone about the mark, I promise.”
Remus eyed him wearily. He knew Sirius was dying to tell someone. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve. “You can tell James,” Remus sighed.
Sirius through his fist into the air. “Yes!”
“Just James though, no one else,” Remus warned, then added, “for now.” He wasn’t sure if he was ready for the whole school to be privy to his personal business.
“Got it. Happy birthday, Moons!” And he turned to leave the hospital wing.
…
There were only a few students still eating when Sirius approached the Gryffindor table in the great hall. After he left the hospital wing, he went up to the dorm to take a nap. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep though, despite not getting any sleep the night before, and just laid in his bed with the curtains charmed shut. He thought about Remus and their matching soul marks. They had agreed to take things slow, but they were bound to be together eventually, they were soulmates, after all. Surely they would get a flat together after they finished school, or maybe a quaint cottage where Remus would have lots of outdoor space for his transformations. He thought about holding Remus’ hands in the halls and eventually being able to kiss him. He knew Remus wasn’t a fan of PDA but maybe he would allow a kiss on the cheek. He felt giddy with all the new possibilities.
He had lost track of the time and now he was late for lunch. When he sat down, Peter was scooping up his last bite of Shepheard’s pie and James was annoying everyone who was left at the table by talking loudly to Frank Longbottom, another Gryffindor a year above them, about the Chudley Cannon's latest win. The Gryffindor girls they usually sat with were nowhere to be seen and Sirius assumed they had left for the library to work on their homework before classes started again.
“And where have you been? You missed all our morning classes!” James interrupted his own conversation at the sight of his best friend. Frank just shrugged, he was used to James’ antics and distractions.
Sirius started loading food onto his plate. “Had some things to take care of for the party tonight,” he answered. “Which reminds me, we’re ditching Sluggy’s class today. I need you to come with me to get the cake.”
James groaned, “But I hate going to Madame Puddifoots! Can’t you take Peter?”
Peter popped up from his seat. “No way! Lily agreed to be my potions partner today and I need to get a good grade on this potion or Slughorn will make me go to tutoring.” Peter said as he grabbed his bookbag and left the great hall.
“Fine. Hurry up and eat then, so we can get this over with.”
Sirius scarfed down a few bites and then pulled James out of the great hall. They lingered in the east wing of the ground floor until the coast was clear and then ducked behind an intricate, floor-to-ceiling tapestry that hid a secret passageway leading to Hogsmeade Village. The path was pitch black and freezing, and it was also wet, somehow. They had found the passageway back at the beginning of second year after Remus had read about it in a book over the summer. Back then, they didn’t have to duck their heads like they did now.
“So, what exactly were you doing earlier?” James’ voice echoed off the stone walls. He had been content with Sirius’ previous answer when they were in the great hall surrounded by others, but now that they were alone, James needed some real answers. It was rare that Sirius kept anything from him for this long.
Sirius hesitated for a moment. The only sound in the tunnel was their footsteps on the stone pavement. “I went to visit Moony in the hospital wing,” he finally admitted.
“Without us? We would have gone with you.”
“I wanted to go alone. I needed to talk to him.” Sirius pulled his robes around him tightly against the cold, damp air. Their eyes had started to adjust to the darkness of the tunnel, but Sirius still felt that it gave him enough cover to be vulnerable. He was nervous about breaching the topic with James, though he wasn’t sure why. He knew James wouldn’t have a problem with them being soul mates, but they were best friends and James’ opinion meant the world to him.
“About what? Wasn’t he asleep?”
“Yeah, he was for a while. That’s why I was gone so long because Poppy wouldn’t let me in until he woke up.”
“What was so important that you couldn’t wait until he got out of the infirmary?”
Sirius paused again. James nudged him with his elbow to encourage him to continue. “I saw his mark.”
James stopped walking. “Oh?”
“It’s the same as mine.”
“Oh, Pads,” James grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.” James pulled back and held his friend at arm’s length, eyes skimming over every inch of his face searching for something. Then his face split into a toothy grin. “I knew you fancied him!”
Sirius rubbed the back of his neck but smiled regardless. “Yeah. I do.”
“Since when?” James’ voice was almost too loud in the tunnel, but Sirius didn’t mind. He knew his friend wouldn’t be able to contain his excitement. That’s why he waited to tell him until they were underground in the first place.
“First year,” he admitted, sheepishly, with a small laugh.
James’ mouth fell wide open and then, after several seconds, he let out a loud laugh that reverberated through the tunnel. “You’re joking!” Sirius shook his head. “Merlin, why didn’t you say something?!”
“Took me a while to figure it out and then I was scared that he wouldn’t feel the same.” Sirius could usually tell when someone was attracted to him. They always got all weird and flustered around him—an occurrence that happened more and more since he started school at 11 years old. Remus was never like that though, he never seemed to care much about Sirius’ charm or good looks. It was sort of the opposite, actually. Sirius found himself fighting to keep his cool around him more often as each year passed. It was hard when everything about him made him go wild.
“Are you serious? He’s been gone for you for years!”
“Has he?” Sirius felt his stomach flip pleasantly.
“You haven’t noticed?”
“No. I thought he just put up with me, honestly.” He thought back to their fight in first year, back when Remus seemed to really dislike him. Was that when his crush started? He remembered his mind going blank as Remus put both hands on his chest and pushed him into the bedpost. James had talked to him after that, about his shithead behavior, but it was Remus, really, who made him want to change. He was desperate to please the other boy.
“You’re daft! So, are you two together now, then?”
“Not yet. We’re taking it slow for now.” Sirius was pleased with himself for being able to do so. He was always a sucker for instant gratification. The only thing he thought about when he was waiting for Poppy to let him into the infirmary was running to Remus’ bed and kissing him senseless. He was proud that he was able to refrain, for Remus’ sake. He never wanted to do anything that made him uncomfortable and forcing him into a relationship after he had just spent the night shifting into a werewolf and back wouldn’t have been fair to him. So he would be patient, for now.
“But you two fancy each other. Why not just be together now?”
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, but what’s the rush? We have time. Plus, it’s not like we’re going to be seeing other people or anything. We’re just not…putting a label on it right now.”
James thought about it. “I guess that’s pretty smart. At least I don’t have to be the permanent third wheel just yet.”
“You’ll never be a third wheel, Prongs!” He threw an arm around the other’s shoulder as they continued their journey through the passageway. “Marauders will always come first.”
…
Sirius and James started getting the common room party ready when they returned with the cake (which they had gotten for free thanks to Sirius’ flirtations with the elderly Madame Puddifoot). Some of the other Gryffindors helped them out once they were released from classes for the day. The twins, Gideon and Fabian, helped them move the larger furniture to the perimeter of the room while Marlene hung up red and gold streamers with the use of her wand. Peter went down to the kitchens to fetch food and drinks for the party since they would all be skipping dinner to celebrate Remus’ 15th. And Frank’s job was to shoo away any other Gryffindors who wandered into the common room. It wasn’t going to be a huge shindig, just a few of their friends hanging out, because they knew how much Remus would hate a big party, especially so soon after the full.
“Is he almost back?” Lily said as she and Mary came down the stairs. They had both changed out of their robes and were now wearing muggle clothes that were nice but still casual.
“Should be pretty soon.” Poppy usually let him leave around dinner time if she was satisfied with the amount of rest he got. Ever since they became animagi, she hadn’t had much excuse to keep him longer than the better part of the day.
Peter came through the portrait hole holding a platter of sandwiches and snack foods from the elves. “He’s on his way. I just saw him coming up the stairs.”
“Positions, everyone!”
“I thought he already knew about the party,” Marlene said as they all crouched down behind the sofas and reading chairs. James shushed her and pulled her down just as the portrait hole opened.
“Happy birthday!” They yelled as Remus walked in. He didn’t look surprised but smiled regardless. He had purple rings beneath his eyes but looked good otherwise. He went around the group giving everyone a quick one-armed hug and thanked them for the birthday wishes. He was wearing muggle clothes like Mary and Lily, worn-in denim jeans, and a long sleeve, which he must have brought with him to the infirmary the night before. Sirius suddenly felt self-conscious in his school clothes and went to loosen his tie before it was his turn to greet the taller boy but found that it was already hanging undone around his neck, not having bothered to tie it at all that day. Instead, he took it off completely and threw it on the back of the nearest sofa. He had a small collection of muggle clothing that he had accumulated over the years at Hogwarts, mostly hand-me-downs from Remus since his parents would never let him buy anything muggle-related, but he had been so busy he didn’t think to change out of school uniform.
“Alright, Pads?” Remus asked. He didn’t want to dwell on it too much, but it seemed like the hug Remus gave him was both tighter and longer than the ones he gave the others. It made him forget all about the fact that he was wearing slacks at a party. Remus was several inches taller than him (not that Sirius was short, Remus was just freakishly tall) and he liked the way he fit under his arm.
“Great,” he said, giving him a private smile. “Happy birthday.”
James poured each of them a cup of fire whiskey and they all sat in a circle on the floor, sitting on throw pillows and the cushions from the couch. Remus sat next to Sirius in the circle, so close that they kept brushing their elbows against each other. Sirius looked around but it was clear that no one suspected anything, and he realized their closeness wasn’t abnormal for them. It was a miracle that no one ever picked up on their feelings for each other. The only people in the room who knew what they both had under their shirts were himself, Remus, and James, who had promised up and down that he wouldn’t tell anybody. Sirius felt delighted that they had this little secret between them—it left him reeling and he was hyper-aware of every movement that came from the other boy. He was already starting to feel tipsy after only the first few sips of his drink.
They played a drinking game together with the goal of getting Remus as drunk as possible. Lily had to put a silencing charm around the group after James’ victory when he jumped up on the coffee table and screamed with joy. She couldn’t get caught underage drinking in the common room if she wanted to become a prefect next year and she probably wouldn’t have participated at all if it was for anyone but Remus, her favorite of the Marauder misfits.
“Alright, fuckers,” Mary leaped up from her spot. “Time for gifts.”
“You guys didn’t have to get me anything.”
“You say that every year and every year we get you presents,” Marlene reminded him.
“Okay, okay.” He didn’t put up much of a fight after that and opened each of their presents one by one. Unsurprisingly, he received a plethora of records, books, and chocolates from his friends. The twins gifted him a box of pranking supplies with a wink—they seemed to be the only people who recognized Remus for the mastermind he was. James gave him a new leatherbound journal wrapped messily in that morning’s edition of the Daily Prophet. Sirius didn’t miss him tucking the newspaper inside the pages to read later.
When it was Sirius’ turn, he handed him a gift box beautifully wrapped in ornate maroon paper. He spent days coming up with and locating the perfect gift to give him and then another week learning how to personalize it. Sirius held his breath as Remus undid the ribbon tied around the box. He was proud of his gift; he had even gone to the library to work on it, but he was still nervous that it wouldn’t be received like he wanted it to be. James seemed just as invested and was looking between the two of them rapidly.
“Wow, this is beautiful, Pads! Thank you,” he said quietly as he pulled out the gold cigarette case and matching lighter. Sirius had engraved them himself. Remus ran the pad of his thumb over the waxing crescent moon and accompanying star etched into the case before opening it and caressing the red velvet lining. He was silent for a moment that was too long for comfort.
“I charmed the lighter so you never have to refill it.” Sirius tried to fill the silence. Remus just met his eyes and held them. Sirius couldn’t move.
“It’s perfect,” he finally declared.
“Way to show us all up, Black,” Marlene interrupted.
They all laughed and moved on with their night. They continued their games and the twins even brought out a spliff to share with the group. They were all thoroughly drunk and high when Mary brought up the elephant in the room—his soul mark. Remus was surprised no one mentioned it earlier.
“Mary, you can’t just ask people about their soul marks!” Lily chastised. “It’s a private matter!”
“It’s alright, Lils,” Remus says. He then turns to Mary: “I would show you but that would be highly indecent,” he says with a wink.
She gasps, “It’s on your arse, isn’t it?!” Remus shrugged his shoulders but made no attempt to deny it, which made her fall into a fit of giggles.
“Where else would Moony get his soul mark,” James exclaimed, emphasizing his nickname.
Soon after that, they all noticed Remus yawning behind his hand and they opted to turn in for the night. It was already passed two in the morning, and they had to get up for class tomorrow or McGonagall would have them all in detention.
Remus was in the dorm bathroom when James came in and shut the door behind him. He spat toothpaste into the sink and eyed James suspiciously. “What’s up, Prongs,” he asked finally. The others had already done their nighttime routines and were likely in bed. He had a good guess that Sirius already filled him in on what they had learned that morning.
James was vibrating with energy that he couldn’t contain. “Can I see it?” he asked with his hands clasped together in a pleading gesture,
Remus groaned but acquiesced. He lifted up the side of his tee shirt to reveal his mark. It made James squeal, much to Remus’ chagrin. “I thought Pads was taking the piss out of me,” he said after a moment of taking it in.
“No, it’s real,” Remus confirmed. He felt blood rush to his face, and he suddenly felt too hot in the small room.
“And you’re happy about it?” James asked. Remus couldn’t do anything but nod his head. “Alright, that’s the last time I will ever mention it,” James promised, clasping him on the shoulder before leaving him alone in the bathroom.
He had spent who-knows-how-long looking at himself, at his brand-new soul mark, in the mirror so the lights in the dorm were already out when he finished up in the bathroom. He climbed into his bed and pulled the curtains closed, knowing too well that he wouldn’t be able to get any sleep while Sirius was lying in a bed so close to his own.