“So my name is James Peterson?”
“Potter.”
“Huh. Okay, and you are?”
“Frank. Frank Longbottom, we’re aurors together. We’ve been partners since you finished your training last year”
“What do we order?”
“No,” Frank smiled and pinched the bridge of his nose “we are aurors. Nevermind. The healer is back.”
“Hello Mr. Potter, I’m Healer Andrews. So what exactly do you remember?”
The healer standing in front of him looks at him and narrows his eyes as he waits for an answer. But he still appears to be friendly, James swallows and looks around. Nothing about anything seems to be coming back to him.
“ You’re asking Me?”
“Yes, you.”
“Well I remember that I got here and the lady behind the desk seemed to know our names and brought us into this room. Then Finn here told me that we’re working to order things and my name is Jerome.”
“Uh huh. Do you remember anything about what happened and why you may need to be in here?”
“Um, no not really. I woke up on the ground and Finn was there and I couldn’t remember my name or his name or anything else and then suddenly we were here”
“Sure. well why don’t you take a moment to rest, close your eyes meditate for a bit and see what comes back to you. I’m going to step just outside of your room with FRANK over here and piece together what happened.”
“Hey James, you feeling?”
“Hi I’m Jerome, Jerome Potter.”
“Um, he knows you James. This is Remus, he's one of your closest friends. Has been for a long time. Since school.”
“Oh, right. I think Finn has mentioned you before.”
A few people walk into his hospital room at that moment.
“FRANK, his name is Frank. Prongs” Remus smiles at him and squeezes his hand. James just blinks at him and concentrates on his breathing like the nice nurse lady told him to.
It’s nice that so many people came to see me, James thinks as he looks around. ‘Am I a very social person?’ James wonders to himself as he looks around. James was ready to go home, but apparently he lived with someone and they were out of town for a conference and taking a portkey back today. These portkeys sounded fascinating to him. As more people in red uniforms piled into the room he tried his best to keep up with the conversation happening around him but found he just didn’t care to follow.
He eventually did find someone to focus on, a tall beautiful man with aristocratic features, gray blue eyes, a beautiful smile and wavy long black hair walked in. He looked worried until he made eye contact and then smiled after he looked James over. He apparently found nothing out of the ordinary and hugged him. The entire world seemed to fall out of focus except for this man. This beautiful man made the magic under his skin crackle.
“Nice to see you looking alive Prongs! Wasn’t sure what to expect when they said you took a hit. I came straight here after I secured the rest of the perimeter.”
He smiled an easy smile at him and James was mesmerized. They seem to know each other really well and James couldn’t believe that he was a lucky enough bloke to be on the receiving end of this smile at any point in his life.
James just stared at him, his mouth open. Sirius just kept looking at him, eyes bright. Although his smile began to falter slightly.
“Merlin’s tits he’s gone silent with his memory gone, never thought we’d see the day that Prongs finally stopped talking”
“James this is Sirius, your best friend” said Remus gently.
James felt a small niggle at the back of his mind. Sirius. This person was significant, “Are you the one I live with?”
“Ah no that would be Lily”
James frowned to himself. Everyone keeps mentioning this Lily person, but honestly Who’s Lily?
“Alright everyone out, I need to run some more tests on James before I send him home hopefully tonight but maybe tomorrow.”
Finn walked in the next morning to escort him home.
“Hey Finn good morning”
He laughed an easy laugh, “FRANK, I’m Frank. But good morning to you too. Ready for today?”
“Right, FRANK , I guess so, but first things first why did you imply my roommate was my significant other? Surely you could’ve mentioned to me that I’m bent.”
Frank’s eyes seemed to pop out of his head “Wait, what? Start over.”
“Well you made it sound like this Lily person I live with is my girlfriend or something, but I'm obviously bent. Like I know that I am without a doubt. So what gives? Is this some sort of joke between us? Because I don’t remember enough about my life to be in on it.”
Frank froze. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Uh huh. What makes you think that you might be gay, James?”
James raises one eyebrow back at him.
Frank holds his hands out and quickly continues “not that there’s anything wrong with it, we have friends that are and the wizarding world isn’t weird about that kind of thing. It’s just I've known you for a long time and you’ve only ever been interested in women before”
James stopped and thought about what Frank was saying. It didn’t seem possible. Ever since Sirius walked into his room that was the only person on his mind. He was the only person that seemed to make James think or feel anything. He could feel Sirius in the pit of his stomach and Sirius’ face had been all James had seen. Every time they asked him to meditate he’d focus on Sirius’ face and what he looked like in his auror uniform. Pictures of Sirius in other outfits popped up in James’ mind unbidden.
He took a deep breath and thought about what to say to Frank. He thought about all those people in his room yesterday, all familiar with him and him feeling and thinking nothing while seeing all of them. Then he thought of Sirius again. Somehow in the awful lighting at this awful hospital Sirius seemed to glow. He had the most perfect sharp cheekbones, and with his robes open James' eyes had kept wandering to his collarbones and wondering what it’d be like to lick them. He pictured Sirius laughing and he found he couldn’t keep the smile off his face.
He took a deep breath “It’s just I obviously have a thing with that Sirius guy right? Is it a secret that nobody else knows about it yet? Or do I just have a crush on him and I’m too scared to act on it? Because we seem to know each other really well and there’s no way I feel anything of this sort for any woman.”
James is met with silence and he watches Frank's face as he seems to flash through emotions too quickly for James to understand. James doesn’t really know what’s goin on but he's 10000% sure that he is interested in this Sirius guy and there’s no way he's shacking up with a woman.
At this point James has been discharged from St. Mungo's but he refuses to believe that he’s straight. He seems genuinely upset that his “order” partner Frank keeps lying to him about his interest in women and that lily is his live-in girlfriend. So Frank instead takes him home to his own house in hopes that Alice and Remus can talk some sense into him. Alice understands people better than anyone else he knows, Remus is smarter than most others he knows and they’re both ridiculously kind and patient. If anyone can figure out just what the fuck is going on, it’s them.
“Okay so I spoke with Lily…she’s not expecting James home anytime soon. But she’s definitely upset and worried so let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on so you can get home and back into your own life James.”
“What if I don’t want to get back into my own life?”
“What do you mean? You don’t even remember your life, how are you so sure you don’t want it?”
“Well so far there’s only ONE thing about my life that makes sense and that’s Sirius. There’s no way I like women because it’s definitely him that I’m interested in”
Remus and Ava (Alice?) share a look that James doesn’t quite understand. The three of them dive into a conversation that seems to go in circles and Frank interjects where he can mostly with stories or memories. But James is pretty adamant that he doesn’t want to be with a woman and that he’d like to see Sirius again.
“Right well, you’re not supposed to be drinking but why don’t we go out to eat at your favorite restaurant.” Remus stood up slowly and continued “Just the four of us and maybe something will jog your memory and things will start to make sense again”
Even as James perused the restaurant, nothing seemed to stand out to him. None of the people, not the decor. The waiter seemed to know them quite well but James found he didn’t even care to do more than smile and allow the waiter to bring his ‘usual’. Literally nothing seemed familiar, but it was definitely delicious. James could see why that would be one of his favorite places to eat. But even the taste hitting his mouth wasn’t recognizable. His mind only seemed to feel like it was trying to get into gear and figure things out when he’d concentrate on Sirius and his absolutely breathtaking smile and barking laugh.
Barking laugh? Where did that come from? James turned to Remus to ask him about it and Remus dropped his glass.
He knew he was onto something and decided to spend the night in Frank and Alice's guest room.
Lily decided enough was enough, she came tumbling through the Longbottom’s floo the next morning.
“JAMES! James, where are you?”
She walked through the house to the kitchen to find James at the table with both Frank and Alice.
“JAMES OH MY GOODNESS, THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED. ARE YOU OKAY?”
James sits there and stares at her as she holds him and waits for him to hug her back. She waits for him to wrap his arms around her waist like he always does. Instead he narrows his eyes and leans back a little. “Lily?” he says very gently
“YES! YOU REMEMBER ME? Oh my gosh i knew you’d remember me!”
James shrugged “no, I’m sorry. Alice has been showing me some pictures from boarding school and I recognize you from them.”
“Oh. right.” Lily stood shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
Alice quickly stood up and hugged her and had her sit down at the table.
They settled into a slightly awkward breakfast where the three of them had a somewhat easy conversation and James just kind of sat there. He seemed to interject when he could but he remembered nothing about anything and also just didn’t seem to care.
“James do you think you want to come home for a bit and get some clothes maybe look around our apartment and see if that helps any?”
“Um, sure that sounds like a good idea.” he looked up at the Longbottoms, “do you think you guys could come with me?”
“Okay that sounds like a good idea. Let’s head over to your flat and then well I'll come back here for lunch”
James took a walk around their apartment and then their neighborhood and read a few quidditch magazines, deciding to do the things Lily told him he enjoyed until it was lunchtime. Lily told him that he was great on a broom and James thought it’d be fun to try out but nobody would let him get on one until at least some of his memory returned. He felt nothing looking at the pictures they had up in their bedroom, it felt like it was someone that looked like him in all these pictures with Lily and the universe was playing a cruel joke on him. The only picture that seemed like it could be real, the only picture that made him desperately want to remember something and have this life be his true life was a picture with Sirius and his parents. Sirius’ smile is the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen in his life. He’s sure of it.
They head back to the Longbottoms and sit down for lunch when they hear the floo go off. Sirius strolls into the kitchen.
“Hey James!” He smiled an easy smile at James and then hugs Alice and Lily with a quick hello and waves to Frank. “You haven’t been by to see me yet so I figured you haven’t gotten your memory back.” Sirius reaches out and puts his hand on James’ shoulder “So I decided to come to you. Hope you don’t mind”
“Sirius” James breathes out. It sounded much more breathy than James had meant for it to. But he felt mesmerized by Sirius’ smile, by how perfect this man looked as he walked through Frank and Alice's kitchen and the way the sun hit him seemed to make him look ethereal. He stared at his expressive eyes and felt lost.
He was wearing a black shirt and black jeans and he honestly looked like he had just stepped out of James' dreams. James wanted to run over to him and bury his face into his neck and just breathe. He had no idea why but everything about Sirius shouted HOME to him.
He wanted to run his hands over his muscular biceps and forearms and lick his neck. James had no doubt that half the wix in the country drooled over Sirius.
“James?” Sirius frowned, “you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah…fine” James turned towards Frank and Alice avoiding Lily’s eyes completely
“Um I need to talk to Sirius real quick, we’ll be right back”
“Sirius, can I talk to you for a moment? Over there”
“Sure”
Sirius led him over to the front parlor and sat down with a huff and James put his face down into his hands. He felt Sirius sit right next to him and put his hand on James’ shoulder. He can’t help but lean into the touch, it was the first touch that made sense in the last 48 hours and he felt like he couldn’t lose it just yet.
“This has gotta be so tough Prongs, I'm so sorry. Has anything come back yet?”
“Um, no. Not really. But it’s kind of weird, I have this feeling when I'm around you? Like you’re supposed to be my home or something”
“Oh?” Sirius looked at him a little confused but waited for James to elaborate.
“You are the only thing, the only person that makes sense to me so far, so tell me the truth. Is there something between us that nobody knows about? Are we secretly in love or seeing each other or is there a reason I'm with Lily and not with you?”
James takes a deep breath “ it feels like everyone around me is lying to me. Like this is a huge colossal joke on the part of the universe where everyone seems to know all these things about me…but yeah when i’m around you it feels like I’m supposed to be around you. Like we’re supposed to be around each other. My mind seems to try to latch onto you. You’re all I’ve thought about since you walked into my hospital room, you’re the only one I've wanted taking care of me. I keep hoping my memory comes back so I can take care of you too.
James sighs and runs his hands through his hair “I don’t know how else to describe it. I mean… I’m not sure if what we have is one-sided as in just me. Or if this spans two ways and you feel the same about me and nobody else knows? What is it Sirius? What is it about you and me that only you seem real?”
Sirius freezes “there’s um, nothing like that between us.” Sirius takes a deep breath and licks his lips “At least not anymore”
“But there was?”
Sirius stays silent. James grabs his hands. “Please tell me Sirius, please I am begging you”
Sirius swallowed hard, “um, in the beginning of 6th year we were kind of hooking up a lot, and we’re best friends and all…always have been so it was a little confusing. When I asked you what was happening between us after a few weeks you kind of blew me off. You, uh, started dating Lily and then, um a few weeks later and we went back to being best friends.”
Sirius shrugged “but that was years ago. You’ve been with Lily for awhile now and you’re quite happy and I’ve dated around a bit too” Sirius winked and smiled at him…just as beautiful as ever but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“I have no idea why I was stupid enough to ever not figure this out between us. Because ever since I lost my memory you are the first person to make something flicker inside of me. I even asked Frank at one point if he was joking about me being with a woman because the moment I saw you I knew that I was bent and I knew YOU were it for me. Trust me Sirius, we’ll figure this out but I need you. I love you, I can feel it”
It looked like Sirius was about to respond when Lily moved into their field of vision.
“What. the. Fuck. James!”
Sirius took a deep breath and continued reading. He was being tested for his Transfiguration mastery in a few weeks and he really had to get his shit in gear. His grandfather had pulled a million strings to keep him from getting in trouble about the fact that he was an adult, a fully trained auror that was also an unregistered animagus. But he had always known that he was meant to be doing something else, he had only become an auror bc that was what James wanted to do and so that was what he decided to do too.
He was actually enjoying his time in academia more than he thought he would. He was lucky that everyone had been so impressed by the fact that he had become an animagus so young, it wasn’t hard for him to find a plethora of professors to take him on as apprentice so that he would have a sponsor for his mastery exams and could go into teaching.
He was so lost in the book in front of him he barely registered someone walking into the library until they came to a stop behind him.
Sirius slowly turned around
“James” Sirius breathed out.
James Potter was here. Fucking James Potter was in his library.
He stood up and ran his hands through his hair.
“Hi”
“Sirius,” he said with a small smirk. He uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands into his pockets. Sirius could see how nervous he was.
They stared at each other for a while, Sirius had no idea what to say. He had no idea what James remembered or didn't’. He always steered conversation away from James and school whenever he’d meet up with Remus to catch up and hang out. They were both pursuing masteries so it was easy to plan their study schedules around each other. He hadn’t seen James since the day he handed in his resignation to the aurors.
He had walked into the ministry that day and he hugged everyone goodbye. That night was pub night, and Sirius went to one last pub night and then kind of decided to spend all his free time with either Remus, his grandfather Arcturus, or his new friend Maureen from the coffee shop he liked to frequent. He’d sometimes see people here and there but once he figured out what he wanted to do he was pretty focused on finishing.
“So are you going to ask me?”
Sirius shook his head to try to concentrate on what James was saying, “I’m sorry, what?”
“Are you going to ask me?”
“Ask you what?”
“Ask me what I remember”
“Well…the fact that you want me to ask makes me think you remember it all”
James nodded slowly “yeah, I do.”
Sirius felt like he couldn’t move, he desperately wanted to know why James had come to see him but he found he couldn’t move or speak
“I’m sorry Sirius, for everything. But I’m so damn happy that I lost my memory because it cleared up so much for me. You’re still the only one that makes sense to me”
Sirius felt his eyes widen, he desperately wanted to hide the shock he was feeling but he’d always been terrible at controlling his emotions. “What? What about Lily?”
James smiled, “We broke up when I realized that not only am I bent, but I'm bent for you.”
Sirius felt like his heart was about to beat right out of his chest. He tried to speak but ended up coughing as he choked on his own spit.
Before he could even string two words together James had crossed the room and stood in front of him and looked him straight in the eye.
“Sirius I’m in love with you, stupid in love with you. I’m stupid in love with your beautiful face, your sense of humor, your strength and you're so much more than my bestfriend I think you might be the love of my life.”
“Where is all this coming from?”
“Well I obviously had to break up with Lily once she witnessed our conversation and I realized I meant every single word of it. As my memory came back I sorted out what it is I feel for you. I missed you so much but I didn’t want to come back before I knew what to say and then I had to work up the courage to tell you that I'm in love with you.”
James sighed and reached out for Sirius’ hands “I’m so sorry that before while we were in school I was so afraid to lose you as a best friend that I didn't go about things right.”
“You’re not afraid to lose me now?”
James shook his head and smiled
“No, Sirius, I'm not…what we have isn’t the type of love you lose. We’re forever, I could never lose you. You’re it for me Sirius. I could never lose you and you could never lose me. If you still want me I’m here, I love you I always have and I always will”
James was suddenly on him and Sirius knew that this was it for him too.
James pushed him up against a bookshelf in his library and licked into his mouth…Sirius kissed him back and felt his control waver…he was ready to drop to his knees right here right now. Sirius took a step back and laughed.
He looked straight into James' eyes, he knew James’ face better than he knew his own and he couldn’t believe how happy he felt in this moment “well Mr. Forever, none of that until you properly take me on our first date.”
James smirked at him and held out his arm “shall we?”
Sirius linked his arm through and giggled “Such a gentleman”
James smiled to himself.
From the moment he lost his memory Sirius had been the only thing that made sense to him and now he was finally taking Sirius on their first date. All he could think about was how they had their whole lives ahead of them, and how he was no longer scared of losing Sirius…
Forgetting everything helped him find himself. He was no longer confused about who he really was…and finally moving towards the future he was supposed to have. He couldn’t wait to see how his and Sirius’ future continued to unfold.
But for now- just for now - he was content to just kiss Sirius and take him out to dinner.
They could figure the rest out later.