Alt. scene after viewing memory of Voldemort's attack (Ch6)
*Okay, so when I first write stuff I just sort of start writing a scene and see where it goes. Sometimes I have objectives or even an outline but I don’t let that tie me down and just follow where the scene takes me. Often, I’ll read it back and realize it went in the wrong direction. This is an example of that - Harry is much more insecure and vulnerable (and maybe childish?) in this version of the scene, because in my heart of hearts I wanted to ease Harry’s guilt about his parent’s death but doing so at that moment in the story wasn’t realistic or smooth and made the characters act outside of their personalities. I like how the scene ended up in the full story much better, but I do really love this moment because Harry got to let go of all the emotional control he had to develop as an abused kid and got to hear some explicit love and be absolved of undeserved guilt.
(takes place after the end of the memory of Voldemort’s attack on Halloween)
They all stumbled when they exited the pensieve, and Loki immediately turned to his son, who was shaking as his arms wrapped around his middle. Loki vaguely noted that Bruce was ushering everyone except for him, Tony, Remus, and Harry from the room, which he was grateful for but didn’t focus on at the moment.
He tried to take a step toward Harry, wanting more than anything to ease some of his pain, but startled when his son took a step away in fear and looked at him with wild eyes. His poor child sounded desperate when he spoke.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just please don’t leave me again!”
Heartbroken, Loki ignored the flinch as he rushed to gather the trembling boy in his arms, soothing him as best as he could with gentle circles on his back.
“Harry sweetheart, I will never leave you, I never meant to leave you in the first place. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, little raven.”
Harry clung to him tighter, not responding aside from pressing his forehead hard into Loki’s sternum.
Something clicked for Loki then, and he asked his question softly from where his face was nestled in Harry’s curls.
“Darling, why did you say you were sorry?”
Harry tensed against him. Loki waited as patiently as he could, and when he finally spoke, his son sounded more like a hurt child in that moment than the soldier Loki met mere hours ago. The boy’s words sounded more like a question than a statement.
"I thought you hated me?"
"No!" Loki was horrified by the very thought. "Harry no of course not, why would you think that?"
There was a shuddering breath against his chest. "I thought maybe you stayed away all this time because I'm the reason she’s gone."
Loki was too horrified to respond right away, until Harry stiffened in his embrace and moved as if to step away from him. Loki tightened his grip, trying to find the words to disabuse his son of such a heinous notion when Harry continued.
"She died for me, and I wasn't even her son, not by blood anyway. I'm not- I didn't want- she should have lived, she should have lived and she died for me and for what? For a broken, fucked up kid who brings death to everyone he loves over and over again."
When he heard Tony give a strangled sort of gasp, Loki finally moved. He ignored Harry's flinch as he let him go only to take his hand, grabbing Tony on the way as he led them to the couch. He seated Harry in the center of it, nodding for Remus to come over and sit beside him as Loki and Tony sat on the coffee table, knees touching Harry's. Each of them held one of his hands, and Remus began rubbing circles in his back. Loki ignored his own tears in favor of gently wiping the wetness from Harry's cheek like he had in the pensieve. He had finally been reunited fully with his son, and he couldn't let these blasphemous thoughts continue; anymore of this self-loathing rambling would surely kill him, and by the gutted looks on Tony and Remus' faces, he wasn't alone in that.
He looked directly in his son's eyes as he spoke. "You are the thing Lily and I treasure most in the entire world, Harry. She was your mother, in every way that matters, and she and I would die a hundred times over if that's what it took to keep you safe."
Harry shuddered at the words and grabbed his hand tighter, almost like he was afraid he'd be ripped away again if he let go.
Tony interjected before Loki could continue. "You can only be responsible for your own choices, Harry. You're not the one who cast that spell that killed her, that was Lord Stupid Name."
Harry huffed a bit at that, and Loki counted it as a resounding win as Tony continued.
"For what it's worth, I'm so grateful that you're still here, because everything I've learned about you has made me believe that you're an incredible person, and I'm lucky to be one of your parents."