Love coma
Severus watched the distraught figure of Sirius leave the kitchen. He felt mortified by the way the evening had gone. He had completely forgotten that Sirius didn't know about the prophecy, that no one but Dumbledore had known about it. He had not expected such a reaction from the man, but the pain and hatred he had seen in the man's eyes had been enough to rekindle Severus' deep self-loathing. If Sirius ever found out the truth, he would not hesitate to kill him. Realising this, Severus was once again struck by the cursed nature of his situation. It was impossible for him to form a loving bond with Black. It was all a charade and a lie. He would have to lie to the man forever before he finally discovered his secret. Sirius Black could never love him in any way.
With his dark thoughts running through his mind, Severus left the kitchen and made his way to 'his' room. He quietly climbed the stairs and froze in the darkness when he saw Sirius and Lupin standing outside Lupin's room. Amidst the pounding of his heart, Severus caught sight of Lupin placing a hand on Sirius's cheek. Immediately, Severus felt a fire invade his entire body, and he noticed a certain metallic acidity on his tongue, as if he had licked a Gold-Galleon. He swallowed silently. “Take your filthy paw off him, you filthy werewolf,” he thought to himself. For a moment he feared that Lupin might follow Sirius to his room, but he heard Sirius say good night and saw him close the door behind him. Damn it, Severus didn't understand the sensations he was feeling, but they brought back distant, long suppressed memories. As he lay in his own bed, eyes wide open in the darkness of the room, he thought back to Lupin's behaviour towards Sirius. He had seen the werewolf grab his friend's hand during the meeting and urge him to sit down. He also saw Lupin's arm around Sirius's shoulders in a gesture of comfort. Severus again felt the metallic taste in his mouth and the unpleasant heat burning his insides.
Then he remembered when he had felt these sensations before. A memory from Hogwarts came back to him, sitting at the Slytherin table, he saw James Potter talking to a beautiful young girl with long red hair sitting next to him. He saw the girl laugh and toss her beautiful hair back. When she met Severus' eyes, she looked away. Then he saw the same girl walking hand in hand with Potter, this time they were walking by the lake and Severus was watching them from a distance, never leaving the castle grounds. He remembered the hatred he had felt for his enemy; he had wanted to hurt him as much as possible, even kill him. Then he saw himself opening a newspaper and discovering a wedding photograph. A short text indicated that James Potter, the only son and heir of the Potters, had married Lily Evans, a young girl of Muggle origin with whom he had studied at Hogwarts. Severus remembered crying that day, unable to control his emotions, and in any case he had neither the strength nor the desire to control himself. His first love was happy in the arms of his worst enemy.
Tightening the blankets around him, Severus remembered that Sirius had been Potter's best man at the wedding. His second enemy. And now Severus felt the same sensations when someone got too close to Sirius Black as he had when it came to Lily. It wasn't as strong, it was different. He wanted to be the one to take Sirius's hand to tell him to sit down, to put his arm around his athletic shoulders to comfort him, to put his own hand on that aristocratic face with those perfect features. Maybe then Black would take his hand and plant a kiss in its hollow.
"This is absolutely pathetic," Severus thought. “Everything is so bloody fucked up.”
The next morning, he was forced to admit that he had fallen asleep at some point during the night. But Severus had slept badly, his dreams filled with all sorts of conflicting feelings of his own. It had felt like one of the worst weeks of his life. He had been looking forward to the weekend, hoping to spend it with Sirius, but events had taken a different turn than he had expected. The prospect of having to talk to Black about Potter's dreams made him want to flee to Hogwarts and lock himself in his quarters, not coming out until Monday. He would also have to find a discreet moment to provoke a discussion, and with the werewolf constantly lurking around Black, that would be difficult. The previous day's meeting had added an extra burden: he knew Sirius would not give up on the prophecy so easily. Severus tried not to torture himself with Sirius' words about who had repeated the prophecy to Voldemort. He could never understand Severus and there was nothing to understand or excuse anyway. Dumbledore had already explained it to Severus. He had understood it himself.
With deep bitterness, the Slytherin thought that if he ever wanted to end his days, all he had to do was tell Sirius that Voldemort had followed in the Potters' footsteps because of him. He certainly wouldn't survive long. Severus let out a deep, dejected sigh. The pale light of dawn filtered through the large window, and the rooftops of London were partially obscured by mist. It was one of those mornings when Severus could not find the courage to face the day ahead. There were no happy prospects - not that he'd ever had any - but at least there was something more than the path of a dark future ahead of him. By comparison, having nothing to do but teach a few idiots was almost pleasant. It wasn't exciting, but it wasn't dangerous or complicated. He could do it alone.
Severus tried to fight the emptiness that seemed to spread through him, taking up all the space in his body and destroying his ability to think and feel. His eyes remained completely dry, but he knew that if he ever shed a tear, he would not be able to stop. "I signed up for this," he thought. "I signed up for this, I knew it. I prepared for everything." "Except Sirius," a small voice added from the corner of his mind. After what seemed like an endless amount of time, Severus got up and slowly dressed, then went downstairs with the idea of having a large cup of black coffee. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw the kitchen door open and Remus Lupin emerge. He greeted Severus with a smile and left the house. Surprised, the Slytherin followed him for a few seconds before heading for the kitchen. The werewolf was gone, for however long. He had to take this opportunity to talk to Sirius. And before that, he desperately needed a large cup of black coffee.
He entered the room and was surprised to see Sirius sitting at the table, smoking. Severus coughed: he hated the smell and smoke of cigarettes. His father had been a heavy smoker and the smell made him sick.
“Hello," Sirius muttered, looking at him sideways.
Severus wrinkled his nose.
“Black,” he nodded.
“Your coffee's over there,” Sirius said, pointing to the back of the kitchen.
“How...”
“I'm learning about your habits," he explained, spitting out a puff of smoke. “Kreacher made it earlier and I put a spell on it to keep it warm.”
Sirius had said all this with a detached air, an impression reinforced by the nonchalant posture he had adopted. But Severus could not help but feel touched by the attention, though he tried not to show it.
“Thank you," he said simply, hastening to fetch his cup. “Can I sit down, or are you going to smoke for a while?”
Sirius turned sharply and gave him a piercing look.
“Do you mind?”
“There are few things I hate more," Severus replied.
Black stared at him for a few seconds, then the first smile played across his lips.
“Always in moderation," he commented, putting out his cigarette and pushing the smoke from his hand.
“It reminds me of my father," Severus said simply and honestly.
“Oh," Sirius said. “Family trait, I should know.”
They fell silent for a moment and Severus took his first sip of coffee. He felt some life returning to him and sighed again.
“So, how was your week?" asked Sirius in a falsely distant tone, breaking the silence.
Severus hesitated for a moment and then said:
“Pretty bad. How was yours?”
“Boring," Sirius replied. “What was going on?”
“Oh, a bit of everything. Meeting the Dark Lord, being inspected by Umbridge, teaching a bunch of idiots.”
“How did the inspection go?" Sirius asked immediately.
Severus got the impression that somehow Sirius didn't seem surprised to hear him mention the inspection.
“Badly, but it could have been worse.”
“How so?”
“She tried to embarrass me in front of the whole class, your precious godson was one of them, and on top of that she gave him detention. He just won't learn to keep his mouth shut.”
"What?" exclaimed Sirius. “I hate to think that old bitch has any power over you and Harry.”
“She doesn't have any power over me," Severus protested, feeling himself blushing slightly. “I tried to ignore her, which obviously didn't work for the whole class, and we got into some sort of argument that ended with her threatening to take away my teaching job.”
“This can't be happening! She can't do that, can she?”
“I wouldn't mind anyway, but I don't think she can. Dumbledore cares too much for me," Severus said with a bitter laugh.
“And you... you didn't have any particular reaction to her?”
“No," Severus said with a shrug. “It wasn't pleasant, of course, but I had no trouble controlling myself.”
He thought wryly of the words Umbridge had spoken to him before she left.
“All right," Sirius replied gently. “And how did the meeting with the Death Eaters go?”
“Fine," Severus replied, once again realising the absurdity of his answer. “You heard my account of it yesterday, I don't need to repeat it.”
“Have you seen Pettigrew?" asked Sirius brusquely.
“Yes, as disgusting as ever.”
“I wish so much...", Sirius began, his voice sounding more like a dog's growl than a human voice. “I wish I could strangle him. I wouldn't use magic, just my hands and my strength, so I could feel the life draining from him and know I was responsible.”
Severus had no doubt at that moment that Sirius was capable of such a thing. He stifled a shudder, but at the same time a part of him admired him. Severus loathed the idea of having to kill anyone directly, even Wormtail.
“If you kill him, you remove a key witness to your innocence," Severus pointed out.
“I don't care," Sirius growled. “If Peter gets in front of me again, I'll kill him.”
“You're not thinking of being officially cleared?," Severus asked, genuinely interested in the answer.
“I don't think that will ever happen, at least not in the next few years.”
“But..." Severus began in genuine surprise, "how can you go on living with no hope of regaining your freedom?”
“That's a good question, Severus," Sirius said with a sad laugh. “I don't think about it, we will see at the time if it's going to happen. But I'm not stupid enough to think that proving my innocence is a priority. Unless the Ministry believes in Voldemort's return, there's no hope. I told you, my strength comes from... certain people who are worth fighting for, even if I can't do anything.”
“You're doing something," Severus hastened to reply, not even thinking about what he was saying. “Perhaps it's enough that they see you or talk to you.”
“That's very kind of you, Severus," Sirius said, a shy smile lighting up his handsome face. “But I could do so much more.”
“I'm sure you could," the Slytherin murmured, blushing slightly as he realised what he had said.
A moment passed and Severus finished his cup of coffee. He felt a little better than he had this morning, and he hadn't lied after all: talking to Sirius was a comfort.
“I'm sure you're busy like everyone else," Sirius said in a tone that was meant to be detached. “I don't want to keep you too long.”
“I... yes, of course I have things to do," Severus said, thinking of the papers he had to mark. “But nothing that can't wait. I've been busy all week and I thought... I could use the weekend.”
Sirius stared at him, an indecipherable expression on his aristocratic features. Severus heard himself swallow.
“Do you want to stay here?" the Gryffindor asked.
“If you don't mind," Severus replied hastily.
“If I don't mind? As you can see, the house is bursting at the seams and I'm up to my ears in work," Sirius joked.
“Is that a yes?" grunted Severus, trying not to sound too cheerful at the prospect of spending two long days with Sirius.
“Gladly, if it's not too depressing for you.”
Severus shrugged. He felt a little guilty about lying to Sirius, but he had better things to do than mark papers. Spending the weekend at the Order of the Phoenix headquarters would certainly give him time to talk about Potter's dreams.
“Where's Lupin?”
“Remus left this morning," Sirius said in a tone of regret. “He went to help Tonks with something at the Ministry.”
“Oh, right. You like him a lot, don't you?" asked Severus, trying to sound casual.
“He's my best friend," Sirius replied simply, looking at him in surprise. “I mean, now that James is... Remus was always one of my best friends. James was something else, something beyond friendship. I don't know if you know what I mean?”
“No, I don't," Severus replied, looking away.
“It's like James was a part of me. I half died the day he left.”
Severus frowned. There goes Sirius again with his dramatic pronouncements!
“James was everything to me, do you understand? Now there's Harry, of course. He looks so much like him!," Sirius added with an infinitely sad smile.
“I'd noticed," Severus muttered. “But not his eyes.”
“That's right, they're Lily's!”
Severus bowed his head uncomfortably.
“I know you didn't like James or me very much. But I promise you, what you saw of him was only a small part of who he was. He was the bravest, most generous person I've ever known. Look, when I was stupid enough to play that joke on you... he came to your rescue.”
“You really want to talk about that!," Severus exclaimed.
“Not really, but it's a good example. Everyone is so flawed compared to him. You know, Remus was really angry with me," Sirius added shyly.
“I can't imagine why," Severus retorted.
“He refused to speak to me for weeks. It was awful.”
“Do you want me to feel sorry for you?," Severus exclaimed angrily.
“No! I just want to apologise again.”
“You've already apologised. Just because you do it again doesn't change anything.”
“I know," Sirius muttered. “But I was just trying to give you an example of how James was so much better than me.”
“I don't know if that's really the right example to show me Potter Senior's generous nature," Severus said sarcastically. “It just proves that for once his brain worked faster than yours, he just realised that if I was killed by your werewolf friend, it would cause a lot of trouble for all of you, especially you. I don't think Lupin would have appreciated the joke either. After all, it was you that Potter wanted to save.”
Severus realised he wasn't angry. He wished he were, because what he was feeling was much more complicated than that. He knew he had been right, and that realisation made him even sadder.
“I'm so ashamed," Sirius said in a whisper. “I really am. I know there's nothing I can do to make it up to you, but every time I think about it, I feel like I'm going to fall over the edge. You're right, James has saved us all.”
“That's not exactly what I meant," Severus pointed out, thinking that Black already seemed to worship Potter and there was no need to add more reasons to do so.
“I'm so sorry, Severus," Sirius said with a look so sincere and embarrassed that Severus frowned and turned away to stop himself from wanting to press his lips violently against his.
“Stop it, we've been through this. We're even now, because two years ago I tried to hand you and your werewolf friend over to the Dementors.”
“True, but since then you've saved Remus's life.”
“Well, we're not going to go through that history again," Severus said grumpily.
“No, we're not. Then what are you going to do?" asked Sirius quietly after a pause.
“I... I don't know," Severus replied, realising that he really had no idea how the weekend was going to go.
“We could do that tour of the house I promised you so long ago, what do you say? As an expert in Dark Magic, it's possible you'll spot things we've overlooked in our housework, and you could get rid of them for us.”
“Perfect," Severus muttered.
He didn't like being called an 'expert in black magic', but on second thought, Sirius had a point. He could certainly get rid of whatever they found more easily, and he also knew the remedies for this kind of magic. And finally, Severus was curious to know what secrets the great and noble House of Black might hold. He rose and followed Black out of the kitchen and into the hall.