Dark magic oaths
Severus woke up to the smell of coffee. At first, he was slightly confused by the décor of the place he was in, but then he remembered that he had fallen asleep on the sofa yesterday. Crying. He let out a little grunt as he sat up under the duvet and noticed that the pain in his limbs was fading. He took his head in his hands. What was happening to him at the moment? Ever since he'd set foot in Black's house, he'd felt beset on all sides by feelings he didn't want and didn't even know he had. Usually, he was a master at not letting anything show, apart from his disgust for others, his sarcasm and sometimes his unhealthy joy before punishing a Gryffindor.
Severus suddenly thought that if Black liked him - if any of this was true - it was because he had a tendency to be vulnerable in front of him. As these thoughts made their way through all the available space in Severus's brain, Black suddenly found himself in front of him. He carried a mug of coffee in one hand and was dressed in a simple tight black t-shirt and the same black jeans he'd worn the day before. The tips of his still damp hair were dripping down his shoulders. Severus swallowed.
“Severus," exclaimed the astonished Gryffindor. “What are you doing here?”
Then glancing quickly at the sofa and the blanket half on Severus, he said:
“You slept there? Why would you do that?”
“I fell asleep straight after you left," Severus admitted. “I wanted to read a bit to get on with the work, but apparently I was as tired as you were,” he lied without blinking.
“Ah, I'm not surprised. You were always the last to leave the library at Hogwarts," Sirius laughed.
“How can you know that when you were never there," Severus grumbled, not quite awake yet.
“A hunch," Sirius lied back.
Severus knew that his late exit from the library usually earned him the best 'jokes' from the Marauders on his return to the Slytherin dormitory. How many times had Potter and Black surprised him at the corner of a corridor? Severus had always wondered how they managed to stumble upon him; he almost felt as if they were following him or spying on him.
“How are you feeling today?" asked Sirius, taking a seat in the armchair from the night before.
“Like shit," said Severus, running his hands over his face.
Sirius laughed and felt a wave of warmth sweep over him. Apparently, the mutt was in a good mood.
“I don't often hear you say things like that! I didn't know you could swear," teased Black. “What else can you say?”
“Fuck off,” said Severus, pulling himself out of the blanket and standing up. “I'm going to have a shower.”
He left the sitting room as Black's laughter echoed behind him. "Sirius Black thinks I'm funny,” he thought. No one had laughed so genuinely at anything he'd said or done since... since Lily, Severus thought. Sure, his Slytherins laughed when he humiliated someone in his class, Voldemort laughed when he writhed in pain in front of him. "What a bloody mess," Severus thought, feeling in an angry mood. He went into his bathroom and immediately ran scalding water over his skin, just the way he liked it. Maybe he'd be able to make Black laugh again today. Without humiliating anyone or being the victim of humiliation.
He joined Black in the small sitting room, wearing the same clothes from the day before that he had tried to freshen with a cleaning spell. He had been sweating in them during his afternoon fever. His wet, straight hair fell slightly below his shoulders and a transparent spot widened on either side where the hair touched the fabric of his shirt. He had grabbed a steaming mug of coffee from the kitchen and tossing the blanket to the edge of the sofa, he took a seat on the other side, away from Black. He thought he saw something pass over the Gryffindor's face that he couldn't quite interpret, as if his features had suddenly softened when he looked at Severus.
“I've found something," Sirius said. “For what it's worth.”
Severus straightened his head.
“What is it?”
“In ‘Dark Magic Unbounded,'” Black said with a grimace.
“And what's that?”
“Apparently, as we already knew, torture through the use of dark magic can cause amnesia. The Cruciatus Curse isn't named in the book, but there are all sorts of examples of how to torture people," explained Sirius. “There's mention of the human soul... wait, I'm looking for the passage.”
Severus looked at Sirius strangely.
“Ah yes, here it is. So, the wounds inflicted on the soul using magic can cause amnesia. For example, oaths where blood is used to seal the magical pact, or when someone is forced against their will to perform magical acts."
Sirius raised his head.
“You weren't forced to do anything Severus?”
The panic in his voice pulled a small corner of a smile from Severus's lips.
“Black, if I'd been under a magical oath, I think I would have noticed by now. I think the book refers to forgetting things, like the minutes before the oath, or the hours after. But not the oath itself, it's written in your soul, you feel it in the depths of your being. You can't escape it. It's the same for magical acts under external control. After a while you get back in touch with reality and I can assure you that I've never been anywhere but in the real world.”
“You seem to know a lot about dark magic oaths," muttered Sirius, visibly disappointed.
“I also know a lot about undoing these oaths," Severus pointed out coldly.
Sirius sighed.
“But these are sometimes final. There's no way to fight them.”
“Black, we can keep looking, it's not that.”
Severus saw the other man bring the book towards him and heard him mutter words in which he could only make out a few vulgar words and 'bloody dark magic'. Inwardly, Severus smiled to see how honest Black was in his detestation of it.
The day wore on and this time neither of them forgot to take a break for lunch, which consisted of sandwiches prepared by Kreacher. Severus watched the hours tick by and felt his spirits drop as the time drew near for him to return to Hogwarts. Suddenly, Sirius snapped him out of his reverie.
“And this Umbridge, do we know anything about her life?”
“What?”
“Umbridge," repeated Black. “We could look into her life to try and find out more about her activities, her political affiliations, her work... has she always worked at the Ministry? With whom? In what position? What laws has she written or defended?”
“I don't know. I admit I've done everything I could to avoid running into her and having to think about her in any way," Severus said slowly.
Black's idea didn't seem silly at all.
“I've discussed it with Dumbledore, of course," he continued. “But he doesn't know everything.”
“All you have to do is ask him to give you a report on the bloody woman," said Sirius cheerfully. “With all his contacts, someone must be able to do it discreetly. All he has to say is that it's because she teaches at Hogwarts. No one would have any reason to think of you.”
Severus said nothing, the idea working its way through his mind.
“Yes, why not," he finally said.
“Severus," Sirius continued. “Can I ask you why someone as clever as you didn't think of this sooner?”
The Slytherin was silent at first. Sirius had paid him a compliment. Then he didn't even know how to answer the question.
“I... I suppose I wanted to avoid thinking about her," Severus began. “And then... I don't know, I'd rather forget her too. I can't bear to hear her voice or see her ugly toad eyes on me. I feel like I'm going to throw up if I'm honest.”
Severus grinned.
“I actually threw up once. She brushed past me in a corridor and looked me straight in the eye, with an 'I know and you don't' look on her face.”
“Fuck Severus, is the toad so vile that you throw up when she passes? I don't know if I find that cool or creepy,” Sirius said.
Severus couldn't hold back a chuckle.
“It wasn't very cool at the time, I can assure you. And I confess I'd like to avoid this sort of thing happening with witnesses if she were to be in my company any longer. I had to hurry to the nearest toilet. Luckily there was no one there.”
“Don't look at her while you're eating," said Sirius.
“I won't," Severus assured him.
Sirius laughed with his deep, barking laugh. Severus made a mental note of the fact that Sirius obviously found vomit stories amusing. A little primitive for his taste, but still good to know.
“But... if you're having these reactions, it also means that you're deeply affected by what she's done to you," Sirius said thoughtfully.
“If you want to talk about the oaths again, I...”
“No, I'm not talking about that," cut in Sirius. “I mean that whatever she did, not only have you forgotten, but you're... well, I mean...”
“What, Black?”
“Are you traumatised?”
A silence fell over the room, even the crackling of the fire seemed to have fallen silent.
“Don't be silly, I'm not the type to be subjected to that," Severus said, blushing.
“There's no shame in it," exclaimed Sirius. “I, for one, after seeing Peter kill all those Muggles and then spend all those years in Azkaban... I think I was traumatised too. I still am.”
Severus didn't know what to say and felt mortified by Sirius's words. It was all his fault.
“Black... don't compare what you've been through with this little adventure this summer, no one died in front of my eyes, I didn't spend twelve years surrounded by Dementors knowing I was innocent," Severus protested.
“Don't try to diminish what happened to you! And the fact that I knew I was innocent... that's what saved me. It wasn't a happy thought so no Dementor could take it away from me. It was like a force, I knew the truth and that's why I didn't go mad.”
“How did you survive? How did you escape?" Severus asked, fascinated despite himself.
“Padfoot saved me. I spent almost all those years as Padfoot, I felt much less the effect of those horrible creatures in my animal form. And one day I just got out of my cell, I was so thin, cadaverous even. I swam ashore. And that was it.”
Severus was flabbergasted.
“That is so... so incredible. Brave and ingenious.”
“Thank you," smiled Black. “I should have done it sooner. I can't imagine ever being near those disgusting creatures again. I kept seeing my parents' punishments, Peter's murders, the bodies of...”
Black put his hand to his mouth and did not finish his sentence. Severus understood. His head spun and he felt as if he had to fight for air. Black had seen the bodies. He'd seen Lily dead.
“Fuck," Severus swore back.
“Yes, as you say. But I dream of it often, Severus, all of it. It haunts me every day of my life. That's why I was telling you to be careful with Umbridge, don't give him the chance to keep hurting you because you're not taking your situation seriously. “
“Black... I'm telling you, it's not comparable at all. I don't know how you manage to... to go on. After all this.”
“I do it for Harry of course! And also, to atone for all the evil I've done. For my part in James's death. And Lily’s.”
“What are you talking about?" Severus asked, feeling a knot form in his stomach.
Sirius took a deep breath and stared into space in front of him.
“I was their Secret Keeper and I swapped places with Peter. At the last moment. Thinking that Voldemort would never think that someone so mediocre could hold such power and trust. To hold James's life. His family.”
Sirius clutched his head in his hands. Severus froze in place. He understood how much Sirius must blame himself, he was feeling the same kind of pain he himself had felt for fourteen years.
“Black," Severus began. “You were on their side. You thought you were doing the right thing, you couldn't have known.”
He felt how weak his words sounded compared to the immense pain and regret Sirius must be feeling. Wracked with guilt. He also knew that nothing he could say would appease the man.
“There must be other people who played an indirect part in their deaths. People who were really guilty. People who were on the side of... of the Dark Lord. You wanted to protect them, you were with them. That vermin Pettigrew wasn't. It was his way of proving his worth to his master, giving him the Potters when he'd never succeeded at anything.”
Sirius raised his head. His eyes were red but he wasn't crying.
“That dirty rat. I don't know how... how he managed it.”
“He's weak," Severus said coldly. “He was convinced the Dark Lord could only win and he switched sides in the first war. He was still wavering between the Order and the Death Eaters, then he started playing the double agent. That disgusting rodent... I didn't know he'd swapped places with you. I'm sorry... Sirius.”
Black looked at him without smiling.
“It's all crap. If I ever find myself face to face with him again, I'll make him confess everything and then I'll kill him.”
“You're not a killer...”
“I would be one! If Harry hadn't saved him last time... James wouldn't have wanted us to kill him, but I'm not James. I would have killed him and I will.”
Severus stared at Black with such intensity that his eyes hurt. He also saw that Black was telling the truth. But what about him? Could he kill Pettigrew? He would certainly have many opportunities. He would have to restrain himself. He suddenly felt the need to protect Sirius and inwardly promised himself that he would do everything in his power to try and prevent the man from becoming a murderer.
“And you, Severus, have you killed anyone?”
“Me?" exclaimed Severus, caught off guard by the question. “No! I've never killed anyone... directly.”
“What do you mean?”
“Not today, Black," sighed Severus, overcome by an immense sadness.
A few moments passed.
“Right, then. I think I've had enough of depressing themes," said Black.
“My life is depressing," said Severus.
“Come on, Severus! Don't be too dramatic either," teased Black. “There are things that make you happy, aren't there? To brew complicated potions, for example...”
“Complicated potions? Do you really think I'm stupid enough to be happy with something so basic? Temporary satisfaction, that's what potions are. That's what mastery of magic brings. I've never been happy, it's not for me but that's okay. I've got used to it.”
“Always dramatic," sighed Black. “I was very happy during my years at Hogwarts and maybe also when I was too young to realise which family I was living with. But I agree, life is shit.”
“And I'm the dramatic one," Severus scoffed.
“At least you're free.”
“I think I'm less free than you," Severus said with a bitter laugh.
Sirius squinted at him but said nothing.
“You can still make a life for yourself, meet someone... when the war's over, you'll have a future.”
“My life is not my own, Black, and I don't expect to survive this war. As for the other thing you said... do you know many people who would want to go out with an ugly, depressive Death Eater?”
Sirius laughed.
“Fuck, no!”
“Well, then you've got your answer.”
“You're not ugly, Severus," said Sirius.
“Stop that.”
“No, I mean it.”
Severus huffed and decided to ignore the little fluttering in his stomach.
“You're... charming. I'd never noticed before, but... you've got really beautiful, intense eyes.”
“What?" Severus choked, turning very red. “You really are mad!”
“No, I'm not. Your eyes are like... like doe eyes. Big, black, intense.”
Severus opened his mouth but no sound came out. Black had told him he had beautiful eyes. Why had he chosen the doe? There was no way he could have known, but...
“You really are crazy, Black.”
“Yes, you're probably right, but not about that.”
Recovering slightly from the shock, Severus then became aware that he was very hot and that his whole face must be very red. Should he pay Black a compliment now, too? He wasn't sure he could, he might say something humiliating like, 'Everything about you is beautiful, not just your grey eyes, but your thick, curly hair, your fine nose, your aristocratic features, your well-shaped mouth, your muscular body and...'. Severus stopped. This was not helping his body to return to a normal temperature and his face to its usual colour. Why in Merlin's name had Black told him that? To mock him? Maybe it was ironic...
“I know you've always liked jokes, Black, but this one isn't very funny, or very useful...”
“It's not a joke, Severus, I mean it.”
Severus felt stupid not knowing what to say.
“I don't like compliments I... I don't know what to say. I don't get them very often. Please don't say things like that to me again.”
Red as a fire crab, Severus stood up.
“I'll be off now. Thank you for your hospitality and your help. I'm going to get some books to take with me if you don't mind, and I'll bring them back to you next weekend at the Order meeting.”
“Severus, please, wait...”
But Severus had rushed out of the room. He quickly made his way to the Black library and, to his relief, found the door open. He entered the room and immediately headed for Orion's desk. He could feel his heartbeat gradually calming down. He'd acted like an idiot, he thought. Black was going to take pity on him again, poor Severus who never gets any compliments... He refrained from swearing aloud and concentrated instead on the books. He grabbed three at random and a small book fell to the floor, hidden between two large volumes. He looked at the title and read "Secrets of the Darkest Art". For a moment, Severus was tempted to leave the small volume where it was, but he changed his mind. He bent down and picked up the small book, hiding it again among the three large other ones. He'd had enough of dark magic for the evening.
He collected his Death Eater outfit from his room and went downstairs. As he had expected, Sirius was waiting in the hall, sitting on the top step of the staircase. He stood up when he heard him.
“Severus, I'm sorry.”
“It's all right," growled the Slytherin. “There's nothing to be sorry about.”
“I just don't understand…”
“There's nothing to understand," Severus cut him off in annoyance.
He started for the door when Sirius caught him gently by the shoulder.
“Wait," he said, taking the books from his hands and placing them on the floor.
“What is it now?”
“I don't want you to go away being angry with me. In spite of everything... in spite of our not very amusing discussions, in spite of the war, in spite of the state you were in on Friday night, I was glad you were here. I don't know how to explain it, but even if everything that's happening is sad and violent, you make me want to fight. To be of some use.”
“You're too sentimental, Black," Severus said, feeling his throat knot at the words.
“Perhaps," Severus said with a smile.
“All you have to do is ask your other friends to come and see you more often, Lupin for example...”
“Remus is busy, he's doing missions for the Order. And that's not exactly the same as you...”
“I thought we were friends," Severus muttered, looking away.
“Yes, of course," said Black, "but it's not the same.”
He grabbed Severus's hand and interlaced his fingers with his own. Severus didn't know what else to do. Could it be that...? Black was flirting with him? The thought had crossed his mind over the weekend, but he'd told himself it was stupid to think such a thing. Black loved women, witch or muggle, that was well known. And if he was ever going to be interested in any other gender, it would never be Severus. The Slytherin swallowed loudly and immediately regretted it. Black was still holding his hand in his, his warm fingers intertwined with Severus long, slender ones. Their eyes met and Severus felt the red flood his face again.
“I'm really sorry I said you had beautiful eyes Severus, they are in fact magnificent.”
The Slytherin let out a nervous laugh. It was either flirting or he knew nothing about it. The problem was, he didn't know anything about it.
“I won't tell you again if you don't like it, but this way I'm sure you know.”
Just as Severus was about to tell him that his eyes weren't too bad either, or something to that effect, Black released his hand and took a step away.
“See you next week, Severus. Avoid the toad and take care of yourself.”
“Yes... I... thank you. I mean, I'll see you next week.”
Sirius bent down to pick up the books and give them to Severus.
“Goodbye," said the Slytherin in a strange voice.
“Goodbye Severus.”
Sirius opened the door for him and Severus nodded one last time as he left. The door closed behind him and at last he felt as if he could breathe again. A fine, cold rain was falling on London. What had just happened? He hadn't the slightest idea, but he had once again felt that irresistible urge to kiss Black. To press his lips to his while he held his hand. Black clearly had no intention of doing so and Severus choked to think of the Gryffindor's reaction if he had dared. Horrified, he Apparated to Hogsmeade.