Madly, Deeply, Black

The next morning Severus woke up in a particularly bad mood. He tossed and turned in bed, knowing full well that he would not be able to get back to sleep. Umbridge immediately inhabited his thoughts and he felt once again the fear that had gripped him the night before, although this time it was slightly lessened. Finally, he had managed to get used to the idea that this woman who had hurt him was at Hogwarts and certainly had more memories of the mystery of his torture than he did. He had now mastered a small part of his fear. Looking at the clock, Severus thought it must be barely dawn and got out of bed and made his way to the small bathroom in his quarters at the castle. The scalding water on his face felt good and by the time he emerged he had made up his mind.

Putting on his warm travelling cloak in anticipation of the cold, rainy September weather in Scotland, he made his way silently out of the castle and hurried outside. At such an early hour, there was little chance of him running into anyone, but he was nevertheless relieved that this was actually the case. He went outside without meeting a soul and pulled his cloak tighter around him when he was exposed to the cool morning air. He sighed and walked into the castle grounds, hoping that the decision he had made was the right one. Feeling tense on all sides, he raised his fist and knocked three hard knocks on the door of Hagrid's hut. He heard barking coming from inside and Severus groaned inwardly, he didn't particularly like animals and even less so dogs. Before he could think any angrier thoughts, the door opened and the half-giant stood in front of him, staring down at him. Severus raised his head and when he looked into Hagrid's face, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Professor Snape!" exclaimed Hagrid's warm, surprised voice. “What... what brings you to my house so soon?”

“Hagrid," Severus nodded at him, "may I come in for a moment?”

“Er, yes, of course, Professor," Hagrid said gruffly, stepping aside to make way for Severus to enter the hut. “I'm sorry it's a bit of a mess, I got in late last night and missed dinner.”

Severus couldn't remember seeing Hagrid now that the gatekeeper was pointing it out to him. He hadn't been paying attention to anything but himself last night, he thought slightly angrily. There was a huge rucksack in one corner, boots full of dirt lying nearby, and a large walking stick. Suddenly, Severus felt something wet on his hand and he pulled away, suppressing an exclamation of disgust.

“Leave me alone," he said moodily, looking at Fangs.

The dog yelped sadly and went away to seek comfort from his master. Then the image of another dog popped into his head, a big black dog with deep grey eyes... Severus impatiently chased his thoughts away. This was no time to be distracted.

“Why weren't you at dinner last night?," Severus asked in a voice harsher than he would have liked. “And, by Merlin, what's on your face?”

“Er, I was on a mission for... for the Order," said Hagrid, lowering his voice unnecessarily. “I was delayed, but now I'm here.”

Hagrid tried to smile but only managed a grimace.

“You haven't answered my second question," Severus remarked, remembering vaguely that Dumbledore had mentioned a mission to the giants at the end of June in which Hagrid and Madame Maxime were to participate.

“It's nothing," muttered Hagrid, blushing. “I fell into the woods in the dark. And what about you? I could ask you the same question Professor.”

“I fell into the woods in the dark too," Severus replied sarcastically, squinting.

Hagrid blushed redder and Severus decided not to pick up on his obvious lie.

“In fact, that's why I'm here," he continued, barely concealing a sigh. “Minerva advised me to come and find you, I thought you'd already discussed... my case.”

“Oh, I sent an owl to Dumbledore to let him know I'd be late yesterday, and I imagine Professor McGonagall must have been with him when he received it, as I received a message from his Patronus telling me, among other things, that I should expect a visit from you and that I should think about a creature that could create magical wounds that leave long, thin marks. I can see why now," added Hagrid, looking at Snape.

“So what?" questioned Severus in an annoyed tone, realising that Dumbledore had not thought him capable of thinking of an excuse to explain the presence of his scars.

“And then... er... I thought of the giant squid, of course. Its tentacles can leave marks like that.”

“The giant squid?" choked Severus. “Hagrid, really? This beast has been here for decades, the students sometimes go swimming, and I'm the one who gets attacked and gets hit in the face with... tentacles? Have you got another brilliant idea like that, Hagrid? Something more stupid and humiliating perhaps?”

“Oh, Professor Snape, I don't want to… let's see, I'll... I'll think of something else if that doesn't suit you...," Hagrid stammered.

“Of course, it doesn't suit me !," Severus exclaimed angrily. “That beast is harmless, or at least I'm a wizard qualified enough to take care of him if one of his disgusting tentacles comes near my face!”

Hagrid was a fool, Severus thought angrily, he should never have come here and drawn yet another person's attention to the problematic existence of his scars. Even though he was a member of the Order, Severus didn't trust him, and he regretted coming. He was about to say goodbye to Hagrid when the gatekeeper spoke again.

“Or there are... Acromantula claws. Their very powerful venom can also leave this kind of mark, and if they pinch their prey long enough, the skin may not heal and the wounds would look rather like what you have," Hagrid said shyly.

Severus listened.

“There's no such creature in the Forbidden Forest," he remarked. “Where am I supposed to have gone to hunt giant spiders ?," he added sullenly, but with interest.

“Well," muttered Hagrid, wringing his hands nervously. “Yes, there is one in the Forest.”

“Don't talk nonsense," Severus hissed, "those beasts don't live here, they don't live in Scotland, it's not their climate. Someone would have had to deliberately introduce an Acromantula into the Forest and I can't think of anyone who would foolish enough to...”

Severus stopped in mid-sentence as he realised what he was saying. Could it be that...

“I... er, I brought it in," said Hagrid, confirming Severus's fears.

“Hagrid, you did what?" exclaimed Severus. “When? When?”

“Oh, a long time ago! Now Aragog's old but he's fine, I go and visit him now and then and...”

“Did you name that monster? Of course, you did... have you thought about the risks such a creature represents for the students if they were to get close? And how did you manage to... tame such a beast?”

“I got him when he was a baby! And he lives very far away, don't worry, no one can get to his lair, no student could venture that far," exclaimed Hagrid.

Severus looked at the half-giant. He could hardly believe his ears and if he hadn't been in so much trouble himself, he would have continued to ask questions about the creature whose rarity equalled its dangerousness. In the end, he decided that getting pinched by a giant spider was a far more heroic story than getting hit by a giant squid.

“All right”, he says. “I’ll go for the spider. You understand, Hagrid, that you couldn't tell anyone that I've come here to set up this story, could you? Not even Potter and his little friends.”

“Of course, Professor, I understand," Hagrid assured him, smiling and grinning again.

Severus saw that he was missing two teeth.

“If anyone asks me why I fought that creature, I'll say I wanted to get my hands on Acromantula venom, which is an extremely rare and expensive commodity, a precious ingredient for some particularly complicated and powerful potions. Too bad for me," he added ironically, "the beast got me before I could get any out of him.”

“Oh, Professor," exclaimed Hagrid. “Wait a moment!”

Severus saw the gamekeeper turn away and go rummaging in a cluttered corner of his hut. He returned a few moments later, clutching two small glass vials in his large hand, and held them out to Severus.

“Are you serious?" Severus asked, taking the vials and immediately recognising the liquid they contained.

Severus couldn't help admiring the brown liquid, which he knew to be sticky, thick, deadly. He had never used it before.

“How did you get this, Hagrid?”

“Oh, it's nothing much, I treated Aragog for a wound some time ago and took some venom from the wound. It's very useful for killing pests and if you mix it with a few other things you get a very good slug killer," said Hagrid with a note of pride in his voice.

“I don't know which part of that story shocks me more," replied a shocked Severus, running a hand through his dark hair. “To know that you 'cured' such a monster, or the appalling waste you made of that precious commodity.”

“Oh, but slugs are tough, you know, and...”

“Thank you, Hagrid," cut in Severus, who didn't feel much like chatting about Hogwarts slugs.

“You're welcome, Professor," replied the giant gruffly.

Severus stuffed the small bottles into his pocket and turned on his heels. When he opened the door, he turned round and said:

“You should try the essence of Dittany for your facial wounds, I'll send you some vials if you like.”

“That's very kind of you, Professor Snape! I don't know if this magic has much effect on me, but I can try. Giant skin isn't like...”

“I know, thank you," Severus cut him off again sharply. “But I can try to alter the effects with a few personal additions and make the essence more... appropriate for your skin.”

“That would be really great," Hagrid said cheerfully.

Severus shrugged and slammed the door behind him as he heard Hagrid say goodbye. His black cloak and robes swirling behind him, he headed back towards the castle. If he hadn't been so stressed, he could have been delighted to have the venom and the new potion prospects that were opening to him.
Once the vials had been secretly and carefully deposited in his quarters, Severus realised it was time for breakfast. Reluctantly, he made his way to the Great Hall at an exaggeratedly brisk pace. A few glances turned towards him as he entered, but he ignored them and sat down in his place, not without watching for the appearance of Umbridge out of the corner of his eye. She was already there, and Severus had to try hard not to wince at the woman's pink attire. He noticed that she also looked vaguely like a toad, but he dared not look at her too closely. McGonagall immediately turned to him, eyebrows raised, asking a silent question. Severus merely nodded and McGonagall looked pleased. He had to suppress a smile, apparently, he could do without words to communicate important information to his colleague, so the year was not starting so badly after all. As he poured himself a cup of coffee, he suddenly thought of Sirius: what was he doing at the moment? Did he feel relieved that he no longer had to deal with Severus? Was he alone in his big kitchen, or was he laughing with the werewolf? A brief image of Sirius and Lupin flashed through Severus's mind, and he felt something run through his body that he didn't understand. It was as if his stomach had retracted and was sending small electric shocks through his abdomen. Annoyed, Severus struck up a conversation with McGonagall, offering to place bets on the Quidditch Cup even though he didn't care. Anything rather than let images of Sirius with the werewolf pollute his mind.

Severus could hear Umbridge's unpleasantly high-pitched voice from where he sat and hurried out of the room to his classroom once he had finished his meagre breakfast. With the safety of the familiar thick stone walls around him, Severus sat down at his desk and cradled his head in his hands. He felt the fine scars beneath his fingers and realised, slightly shocked, that his appearance had been changed forever. Deep down, he didn't care: he knew he'd never been attractive and never would be. It wasn't a question of aesthetics. But all the same, these marks were once again proof of his weakness, someone had taken advantage of him without him being able to do anything about it. Like new trophies brandished by his captors, the scars were new additions to the collection of unwanted marks on his body, and this time they were on display for all to see. Severus stifled a groan and felt suddenly very depressed. Tonight, he would go to Dumbledore and tell him about Umbridge.

The day passed without much happening. Severus gave his usual speech about O.W.L.s to the fifth years (ignoring Potter and his friends royally, without meeting their eyes once), was particularly nasty to some of the second years, and was convinced that he had literally terrorised some of the first years who couldn't answer the usual questions he asked at the beginning of class. Deep down, Severus knew that he was extremely tense and that even for him, this first day was a snapish performance in the art of bad temper.

With a lump in his stomach, he waited until 10pm to leave his quarters and go to Dumbledore's office. He didn't know how Dumbledore would take the new information Severus had given him. Would he perhaps laugh at him? Terrified of being belittled in front of the man he wanted to please at all costs, Severus stood in front of the statue and said "Pumkin Pasty", rolling his eyes at the childishness that Dumbledore sometimes displayed.
He knocked on the door and heard the Headmaster's voice telling him to come in. He pushed open the door and found himself face to face with Albus and McGonagall, whom he had apparently interrupted.

“Oh, sorry, Headmaster," said Severus, "I didn't know you weren't alone.”

“Good evening, Severus, that's all right," he replied, smiling benevolently.

McGonagall nodded at him.

“I was just leaving," she said sharply.

As Severus was about to protest, she nodded again, said good night and left. There was an awkward silence and Dumbledore finally broke it after a good minute.

“Severus, how was your first day?”

“Quite well.”

“But still?”

“But... I think I'm a bit tense..." Severus began, not knowing how to continue.

“Are you sure you'll be able to carry out your duties?" asked Dumbledore with an air of concern. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, yes, I think I'm fine. Well, not quite, but I can do my job as a Potions Master. That's another thing. I went to see Hagrid today," Severus added, hoping Dumbledore would take the hint without needing to go into detail.

“Oh, wonderful. How did you find him? He doesn't look very good, does he," said the Headmaster mischievously.

“No, not really, but that wasn't exactly my point," Severus said coolly. “I have an explanation for the scars. Hagrid helped me.”

“I see, that's very good. Acromantula attack, was it? And was this venom so precious to you because you were desperate to try the recipe for the most powerful love potion in the world, or did you want to make yourself invisible?”

Dumbledore's tone was intended to be humorous, but Severus did not take kindly to the joke. He felt himself blush slightly.

“I can see that someone's been up to something behind my saying," he stiffened. “For your information, I was thinking mainly of the liquid invisibility charm, so you won't get your hopes up.”

“Alas, I have a cruel tendency to nurture false hopes, my dear Severus," sighed Dumbledore. “But I am glad this matter is settled.”

There was silence again. Severus could not help feeling a certain anger towards the Headmaster. He felt that he was being reduced to a puppet, ready to perform his play without him knowing his lines.

“There is one other thing. You asked me to let you know if I remembered... anything about that summer. You know, when I was fighting the Acromantula," he added sarcastically.

Dumbledore straightened in his seat.

“What's the matter?”

“I remembered a voice because I heard it yesterday.”

The Headmaster stared at Severus with an almost painful intensity.

“Who, Severus?”

“Umbridge," he replied, suppressing a shudder.

“Really," Dumbledore said almost in a whisper. “It's worse than I thought.”

“I don't remember anything concrete, only his voice acted as a trigger. I saw a dark room with a big black wooden table. And I was convinced it was there.”
Dumbledore said nothing for a long moment and Severus began to feel uncomfortable. A warmth spread across his neck and chest and as he began to panic, the Headmaster finally spoke.

“Umbridge has been imposed on me by the Ministry. She's here to keep an eye on me, to overthrow me and to do everything she can to discredit me. But I can see that her presence is actually much more threatening than that. I don't think she's joined Voldemort, which means it probably wasn't Death Eaters who captured you. Do you know if she was alone?”

“I don't think so," Severus murmured. “I can't explain how, but I'm pretty sure she had someone with her.”

The two men continued to talk; their dialogue interspersed with meditative silences. The anger had left Severus and he felt that Dumbledore was genuinely interested in him. An hour passed and Severus returned to his quarters after saying goodbye to the Headmaster. He had been instructed to avoid interaction with Umbridge and Dumbledore had asked him to continue to keep him informed of any new memories.

Once locked in his private quarters and settled into bed for the night, Severus' thoughts wandered again. In spite of himself, he thought of Sirius. He had witnessed one of his 'scenes' and remembered certain things. Severus had the vague idea of contacting him to arrange a meeting to discuss this rather humiliating memory, but he dismissed the idea as quickly as it had come. Despite his best efforts, Sirius was not leaving his thoughts for long. Severus realised that it had only been two days since he had left him, and that these thoughts would surely fade with time. Finally, Severus decided not to write to Sirius for the time being and fell asleep again to images of the Gryffindor as he tried to forget him. His mind was definitely not being controlled easily these days.