Dumbledore's visit
Sirius ordered Kreacher to take something for Snape to eat. He was feeling extremely tense after their argument and Dumbledore was due to arrive at any moment. He too wanted to speak to the Headmaster and ask him not to leave him out of Snape's recovery. The only problem was, Sirius didn't really know how to go about making such a request, after all, ten days earlier he had begged Dumbledore to entrust the task to someone else and perhaps the wizard would find this change a little strange. So, what could Sirius possibly say? He himself didn't know where this hasty reversal of the situation had come from, all he knew for sure was that he was sad to have argued with Snape, that he wanted to make up for his mistake with the magic oil and that he knew what had happened to the Potions Master. The others had noticed that he was pensive during the meal, but Sirius had preferred to ignore them, avoiding their questioning and concerned looks.
Then, suddenly, there was a loud bang and Dumbledore appeared in the middle of the room holding his phoenix. He greeted everyone warmly but politely refused the cup of tea offered to him by Mrs Weasley and hurried after Sirius up the stairs to see Snape.
“How's Severus?" he asked in a slightly worried voice.
“Better," replied Sirius, "he's getting stronger little by little and he can talk.”
“That's very good. Has he said anything to you about what happened?”
“No, he didn't. We didn't talk about it.”
“Is something wrong, Sirius?”, asked Dumbledore.
“Oh no, everything's fine, it's just that... he's a bit moody, I mean he's upset with me.”
Dumbledore raised a questioning eyebrow.
“It's normal for him to be in a bad mood after what happened, Sirius”, remarked the Headmaster. “I don't think he's particularly upset with you, he'd probably have been upset with anyone else who looked after him. Severus is a very independent man and I tend to think it would do him good to have someone to... well, someone he can rely on, someone other than me.”
“And you really think that, after everything that's happened between us, I can really be that person," Sirius asked bitterly.
“I think you're the best person to try and fill that role, in the current context," replied Dumbledore gently.
“Maybe you're wrong," replied Sirius.
“Oh I don't think so, but it's possible of course. You know, when you tease someone so much, as you both do, it often hides something else. You're unconsciously trying to get the other person's attention, but because it's unconscious, you use what you know best to do it, and in your case, that's teasing.”
“Excuse me?" asked Sirius, his tongue suddenly pasty.
“Yes, you're right, it's perhaps more often a question of pettiness.”
“And the fact that Snape wanted to hand me over to the Dementors two years ago, is that pettiness or teasing in your opinion?”
“Oh, that's a very big mistake that you two might have to talk about. The kind of mistake you made when you were your godson's age, Sirius.”
He blushed.
“Snape was a teacher, an adult, he also wanted to give Remus away for free...”
“Severus was very angry and didn't think. It can happen to him too, he's human after all. He deeply regretted his decision once he had recovered from his emotions.”
“Did he?" said Sirius, not sure whether he was more interested or furious.
“Yes," said Dumbledore simply. “Ah, we're here.”
Indeed, they were now standing in front of the door to Snape's room.
“I think, Sirius, it would be best to leave me alone from now on," said Dumbledore in a tone that brooked no reply.
“Ah," he said.
Sirius had suspected that Dumbledore would want to speak to Snape alone.
“Can I talk to you afterwards?”
“Yes, of course. See you soon, Sirius," said Dumbledore, smiling.
He knocked on the door and went in when Snape's voice told him to.
Sirius had no desire whatsoever to join the others downstairs or to get involved in their cleaning activities or the chess games they sometimes organised. He was desperate to get out of this house that was suffocating him. He also wanted to talk to Snape. Dumbledore's words about their behaviour towards each other had left him wondering, and Sirius didn't quite understand what the Headmaster had meant. Was he implying that the two men liked each other without being aware of it? Sirius felt himself blush: he didn't like Snape! He was simply interested in what had happened to him, that's all. With a shudder of horror, Sirius saw himself kneeling in front of the bath, Snape floating in the water, naked but hidden by the magical bubbles, he remembered his wet hair pulled back, his prominent nose, his thin, closed mouth... immediately a little twitch between his legs reminded him of his own reaction that day.
“No, shit," Sirius said aloud.
What the hell was going on? Did he have a nose kink now? Sirius rubbed his eyes as if that would help him see more clearly. What could be causing this reaction in him? He had now reached the point where he could no longer lie to himself and deny the existence of some kind of reaction in his body to Snape. Was it the fact that this proud man had ended up unconscious at his mercy? Or was his animosity towards Snape attracting him, as Dumbledore had somewhat suggested? Or was it simply Snape's face? No! Sirius had always found Snape rather repulsive. His hooked nose, his crooked teeth, his greasy hair... but was that really the case or was it mainly the way Sirius had always wanted to see him? After all, he'd realised by touching it that there was nothing greasy about his hair... and his nose gave him character, now reinforced by the two scars that crossed his face. Sirius sighed. Was it possible to find someone attractive without even knowing it? He wasn't sure it was possible. And certainly not Snape. Sirius fell back into a depressing train of thought that took him back to Azkaban: the twelve years he'd spent there had obviously unhinged him. It had been too long since he'd had carnal contact with anyone, so his body reacted in this way to the first person he met. “That's not true,” said a little voice in his head, “it's only with him.” Sirius dropped onto his bed and buried his head in his pillow. He drifted off to sleep.
He was woken by a sharp knock on the door. Sirius raised his head, still half out of it.
“Who is it?" he mumbled.
“It's me, Dumbledore," came a voice from behind the door. “May I come in?”
Dumbledore! Sirius sat up on his bed and fixed his hair. So that meant his talk with Snape was over. He was suddenly wide awake.
“Yes, come in!”
Dumbledore entered the room. Sirius felt a little ashamed, his room was still that of a teenager with flags in Gryffindor colours, posters of Muggle rock bands, photos of him with James, Remus, Lily and above all an indescribable mess. Sirius never bothered to fold or put away his clothes and he forbade Kreacher to enter his room, so the room was never tidied or cleaned. With a growing sense of shame, Sirius realised that it must not smell very good in there, sometimes he ate there alone and didn't always think to take the dishes back down to the kitchen.
“Dumbledore I...”
He waved his wand and some clothes flew off to make room on a chair. The Headmaster laughed.
“I see, Sirius, that you've always been careful not to hide your preferences when it comes to magic and music," he said in an amused tone.
“No, I haven't," muttered Sirius, still embarrassed.
“So," said Dumbledore as he sat down, "what did you want to talk to me about?”
“Ah, yes. Er, did...Snape remember something?”
“I think," said Dumbledore after a moment's hesitation, "it's up to him who he wants to talk to about it. But yes, Severus remembered some things, not everything.”
He suddenly looked serious.
“But it is something meaningful for us?" asked Sirius.
“Yes, I'm afraid it is," said Dumbledore, shaking his head.
“Is... is Harry in danger?”
“I don't think it really concerns Harry at the moment. I think the Order has escaped real trouble and Severus was just one of the people targeted.”
“The Order? But then could it have been Voldemort who attacked Snape?”
“I can't answer that, Sirius, but I don't think so. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to tell me why you wanted to talk to me, I have to go soon.”
“Yes, of course.” Suddenly Sirius wasn't so sure what he wanted to say to Dumbledore. “It was about Snape, does... does he still need me?”
“Oh, yes, he does. Of course, he'll regain his strength quickly now, but physical strength is one thing, soul strength is another. Severus is going to need your support and he needs to stay until the new term at least.”
Without having the time to understand the cause, Sirius felt a warmth spread through his stomach, as if a small ball of electricity was crackling somewhere under his stomach.
“Okay. What, what can I do for er... for his soul?”
“Oh, it's very kind of you to ask, Sirius," laughed Dumbledore. “Unfortunately, I don't have any miracle recipes for this kind of problem, but I'd say that going to see him several times a day to check that he's not bored, that he doesn't need anything, or trying to talk to him, would already be honest attempts to soothe his soul.”
“I see," said Sirius, who wasn't quite sure he was seeing anything at all. “But all in all, I'm not really useful any more, am I? I mean, he takes his healing potions on his own and I felt more like a nuisance than anything else.”
“Perseverance is a great quality, Sirius, and I know you have it," Dumbledore replied simply, his eyes sparkling behind his half-moon spectacles.
Sirius merely nodded.
Once the Headmaster had left, Sirius made no attempt to check on Snape. He knew he must be exhausted and thought that if he needed him, he would know how to call. He had Kreacher bring some food up to his room again and when night came, he went to bed after spending the evening playing explosive battle with the others. It had been a welcome evening and Sirius had finally managed to think about something other than Snape and his inexplicable feelings for the man. He was awoken during the night by someone tugging at his sleeve.
“Master," he heard. “Professor Snape needs you.”
“What... what's going on? Did he ask you to come and get me?”
“No Master, but Kreacher wanted to clear away the remains of Professor Snape's meal and Kreacher heard him," croaked the elf.
“Heard what?" asked Sirius, his heart pounding.
“Heard the crying, Sir. Professor Snape didn't pay any attention to Kreacher when Kreacher spoke to him, so Kreacher came to fetch his Master to warn him, even though Kreacher preferred Professor Snape to be his real Master, a devoted and honest man and...”
“Shut up, Kreacher," Sirius lectured him as he stood up.
Then, as he was about to leave, he added:
“You did well to come and warn me, even though you were forbidden to enter my room. I thank you for that.”
The elf bowed low, his snout touching the floor. Before he could croak anything else, Sirius was at Snape's door and knocked. There was no answer.
“Snape?" asked Sirius cautiously.
Now that he was at the door, he could hear the crying too. He decided to open the door, it didn't matter how angry Snape got, if something bad had happened to him, it was Sirius's job to take charge. He pushed open the door and entered the room. Snape's huddled form was on his bed, the covers unravelled, and half wrapped around him. Sirius could make out the shuffling of his sobbing shoulders.
“Snape," he repeated.
The Potions Master continued to sob without reacting to his name. Sirius felt as if a chill had spread through him. Apparently, Snape was either unaware of his presence or deliberately ignoring him, but that wasn't like him, the proud Slytherin would never have willingly let anyone see him like that. Sirius approached the bed.
“Snape, it's me, Sirius.”
Still no reaction. Snape seemed to be completely out of it and Sirius realised that the cold that was creeping up inside him was getting worse with every sob. He summoned up all his courage and gently touched Snape's shoulder. Snape cowered even more.
“Hey, Snape, are you... are you hurt?”
Sirius picked up his wand and whispered “Lumos”. A thin line of light illuminated the man on the bed. Sirius noticed that there was no sign of a struggle, of blood, or of any physical injury. Perhaps Snape was suffering from one of those soul wounds Dumbledore had mentioned that very afternoon. He placed his wand on the bedside table and continued to light the room dimly. Sirius tried to turn Snape to face him, but as he grabbed his shoulders, Snape groaned.
“Please stop, don't hurt me anymore.”
Sirius's heart twisted in his chest.
“No one's going to hurt you, I'm here, it's me, Sirius Black," he said softly.
“Black? No, I swear I... I didn't say anything, let me...”
Snape folded his hands over his eyes as if he didn't want to see anything. Helpless and unsure of what to do, Sirius grabbed Snape's wrists to force him to look at him and see that he was safe. It was a bad idea; Snape immediately braced himself and his breathing quickened, as did his crying.
“Let me go, I don't know anything!”
“I don't want to hurt you, Snape!" exclaimed a panicked Sirius.
If this kept up, he'd have to call Dumbledore.
“Look at me, please," he begged. “Severus, look at me!”
The use of his first name seemed to have a remarkable effect on the man curled up on the bed. Still moaning, Snape eased off a little and let Sirius take his hands from his face.
“It's all right, Severus, I want you to look at me and tell me what's going on," said Sirius.
Snape looked at him but said nothing. He began to sob harder. Sirius felt totally overwhelmed by the situation, for one thing, he didn't know Snape could cry, he'd never seen him wipe away a tear in his life. And secondly, Sirius didn't know what to do to calm him down.
“I'm not going to hurt you, all right?”
Snape nodded, still panting, his face streaked with tears.
“I didn't say anything, I swear," he hiccupped.
“What are you talking about?" asked Sirius. “I believe you, don't worry, I know you didn't say anything.”
“They wanted to force me but... I swear I didn't say anything.”
“All right, Severus, you didn't say anything. I get it, that's very... brave of you.”
Without realising it, Sirius had knelt down in front of the bed and taken Snape's face in his hands. His own face had moved closer to Snape's.
"Brave?”, Snape asked in a tearful whisper.
“Yes, Severus, you are a brave man.”
Suddenly, the Slytherin's dark eyes filled with tears again.
“I'm losing my mind," he sobbed, "who's there?”
“It's me, Sirius!”
Now the Gryffindor was on the verge of crying too. He stood up and got down on all fours over Snape's body to stop him curling up again, his face still in his hands. Sirius couldn't help noticing that Snape had washed his hair, which meant he had washed before Dumbledore's visit. Without thinking, he pushed back the black strands that stuck to Snape's tear-streaked face, stroking his cheekbones.
“It's all right, you're safe.”
“Okay...," Snape whispered, still panicking as if trying to convince himself that he was.
Sirius realised that he hadn't stopped stroking Snape's wet face and scars. It seemed to have a soothing effect on the man.
“Are you feeling better?”
“I'm not. Well, yes," Snape murmured.
Sirius looked him straight in the eye and smiled. His own hair hung down on either side of his face and brushed against Snape's. Snape didn't smile back, but just looked at him as if he didn't believe what he was seeing.
“Do you want me... to leave you?" asked Sirius, sitting down next to him on the bed.
“No!" exclaimed Snape loudly. “No, please, can you sleep here?”
Sirius couldn't believe his ears. A slight buzzing made his head spin. Was Snape offering to let him sleep in his bed? “He's not in his right mind," said the little voice in his head, "don't get excited for nothing.”
“Yes, of course, I'll sleep next to you," said Sirius, blushing. “If you want to talk to me about anything... don't hesitate.”
“No, I want to sleep," replied the Professor's deep voice.
“Very well, then, sleep well, I'm here, don't worry.”
“I’m not worrying.”
Sirius grabbed his wand from the bedside table and turned off the light. He slipped under the covers, careful not to touch Snape. His whole being told him that he would have liked to do the opposite, to get closer to the man and hug him, to cuddle him to prove him that no one could hurt him. But instead, he turned his back on him and, without knowing how, fell asleep with a strange feeling in his heart, as if something wanted to get out and was banging against its walls.