Fire was consuming James from the inside out. The all too familiar eyes only brought pain when it once brought comfort.
————
“Regulus, I love you.” James hands cupped the youngers face, forcing them to make eye contact. They were up in the astronomy tower like they were on most nights, getting to breathe and be together without having to worry about Sirius or one of Walburga and Orion’s spies finding them.
“I – James, “Regulus just held their eye contact, his body trying to hunch over like he was trying to get away from how he felt.
“Shh, its okay. You don’t have to say it, I know.”
“How though?”
“Well you’ve started calling me James instead of Potter over the last few months. That and the way you pulled me into a cupboard the other day.” James joked loving the way the blush showed on Regulus’ pale skin.
“For all you know I just like fucking with people, Potter.”
“I’d let you do whatever you wanted as long as it made you happy.” He pressed their foreheads together, giggling slightly at how it distorted his face from being so close together, two grey eyes looking like one.
A comfortable silence stretched between the two, James watching Regulus take in his words, his confession, his love. It was all consuming, a fire that burned bright in his chest as it felt like they were looking into each other’s souls and aligning them the same way the stars aligned in the sky. It was soft and tender touches and sweet kisses that ended their time that night, sprawled across their cloaks lied forgotten on the floor, soaking in each other for a sense of warmth.
James was carding through Regulus’ hair when he heard it. It was a small whisper of a thing, barely caught over the breeze that swept through the open area, Regulus half asleep when saying it.
“I love you too.”
Later that morning, James collapsed back into his bed with a smile on his face as he buried it into his pillow resisting the urge to scream and forcing himself back to sleep.
————
“Aww, look Reggie. If it isn’t the Black family traitor and his little Order friends. You could’ve been great Siris, how far you’ve fallen. It’s okay though, because now we have the true heir of the House of Black. One that will do whatever needs to be done to keep the family thriving. Oh well, it won’t matter for much longer now.” Bellatrix jeered, Peter laughing and egging her on.
-----
It’s been a few hours since the rest of the Marauders found him on the floor of the room of requirement. He vaguely remembers sending his patronus to one of them, the only words left being a sobbed out, “please, come back.”
He isn’t sure he’s talked since, instead sobbing on the floor of a warm and lived in bedroom with things scattered here and there. He isn’t quite sure how they got in but is thankful for it none the less.
Realistically, James knows he’s going to have to explained what happened and why he sent Prongs for them, but he wasn’t ready – not yet. If he said it out loud it would be real. There would be no pretending it never happened, that he wouldn’t come back tomorrow to Regulus waiting for him.
The room of requirement was where James and Regulus would go when it got cold outside, their sweaters and cloaks not even being enough to keep them warm in the winter chill. They knew they could use warming charms, and they did for a while, until James worked up the courage to show Regulus the room he and his friends found a few years prior.
“Is this your bedroom back at the manor?” curious eyes looked at him as James shut the door behind them feeling his cheeks heat up at the comment.
“Erm, no.” He coughed.
It took two hours before he whispered into the dark thinking Regulus was asleep that it was what he dreamt their room would look like in their first apartment once Regulus graduated from Hogwarts.
Now it was all crumbling before him as the room had been tainted with a nasty fight, stays and I can’ts being thrown back and forth between the two boys before Regulus took off the ring James had gifted him for his sixteenth birthday and thrown it back at him along with a final “I’m done. We’re done. You’re just too much for me James and I can’t fucking take it anymore.”
“Please Prongs. Let us take you back to the dorms, at least.” James heard Moony speak for the first time since sobs turned into sniffles.
“How can I be too much and feel like not enough at the same time?” He asked no one in general.
Arms wrapped tighter around him, holding him together. “Why don’t you just tell us what happened? It would be a lot easier to help if we knew what was going on.” Sirius.
“Where are we anyways?”
“Shut up Peter. Not helping. Pads is right, for once.”
“I don’t know what I did wrong. All I ever did was love him and I thought he really loved me too. All I wanted to ever do was love him and keep him safe, but it was too much like always and yet I felt like I didn’t do enough to show him.” A new round of sobs wracked through James’ body as he looked around the room they made a home.
The three boys looked at each other, a silent conversation floating through the air before nodding at each other.
“Let’s get you to bed mate.” Sirius and Remus lifted James together while Peter pulled back the covers so they could lay him under it.
They hoisted the boy into the bed and tucked him in, a confused glance shared as James grabbed the pillow under his head, breathed it in and sobbed harder until his body wore out and he fell asleep.
————
James didn’t even realize that he jumped when he saw Bellatrix’s wand pointed at his best friend.
————
The four boys were having dinner at Potter Manor when the sounds of an unknown visitor set of the wards. After Effie and Montys death, James went a little overboard with the protective wards and even more so when it was announced at an Order meeting that there might be a traitor. He all but demanded that his three best friends stay with him at the manor, the only other people allowed through being his other friends from his time at Hogwarts. He also allowed the wards to let Regulus’ magical signature through but refused to tell any of his friends, especially Sirius, knowing they would scold him.
Somewhere deep down, James knew they would reunite once again and he would leave a spot for Regulus in any wards he would set up.
The four boys abandoned their dinner, grabbing their wands and set themselves up around corners, Sirius being the one to open the door with his more advanced skills in cursing and occlumency.
James held his wand tightly as he heard the door creak open.
“Kreacher?” The three hidden boys let out a breath hearing it was just Sirius’ old house elf. They all came out of their hiding spots just in time to see Sirius collapse to his knees, a piece of parchment held between his hands.
“What happened? What?” James’ gaze flicked between his best friend who threw himself into his boyfriends arms and the old house elf.
“Master Regulus died.” Then the elf was gone.
James felt like throwing something, an immense anger taking over his body until a hand rested on his shoulder. He looked to the source and saw Peter eyeing him warily before turning and looking at Sirius who was curled into Remus’ arms. James immediately relaxed knowing that he would need to be there for his best friend. He shoved all of his emotions into a box and moved them to the back of his mind, his body working on auto pilot.
“I’ll go get you some water, Pads.” He didn’t wait for a response before walking out of the room to get a cup and cast a quick aguamenti and letting his body weight rest on the counter before taking a deep breath and walking back to the entryway.
“It hurts so much Moony. I know I was bad at showing it but all I ever wanted to do was protect him. Even if he ended up becoming a death eater, he was still my only family left.” James watched his friend cry, handing Remus the glass of water before dropping to the floor beside his best friend and wrapping him up in his arms, holding him as tightly as he could.
“I didn’t…that’s not what I meant, Prongs.” Sirius turned to cry into his shoulder.
“I know, its okay, I know. I’m right here. We’ll get through this together, okay? I will always be here for you. We will always be here for you.”
After a while, they eventually moved Sirius to his room and climbing into bed together like when they were children at Hogwarts. Everyone was tired from the drama of the night and fell asleep quickly. Except James. Even surrounded by his best friends he could not sleep.
He carefully crawled out of bed and started to wander the halls of his childhood home. Maybe this was a sign that it was time for him to move out. He only really stayed in the manor just in case. Just in case Regulus decided he was ready to leave. Just in case he ended up so hurt like Sirius that fateful summer night. Just in case, just in case, just in case. Now there was no more Regulus, no more just in case.
James walked all the way to his houses observatory and searched for his love in the sky. He found nothing, the sky full of clouds and no stars in sight. James felt sick and next thing he knew, he was pushing open and window, sticking his head out and throwing up the contents of his stomach until there was nothing left.
“Hey, its okay, its okay.” James barely registered the voice coming from beside him, a hand running up and down his back. When he was sure he was finished, the turned around and slid to the floor, his back against the wall.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” James apologized as he watched Peter join him on the floor.
“No, its fine. I kept waking up anyways. Tried to floo Marls but she wouldn’t answer and then I saw you.” Peter shrugged.
“I hope Dorcas is okay.” James thought out loud. He knew she and Regulus were good friends.
“Well, she has Marls the way you and Sirius have us.”
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb James.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“It’s okay you know.”
“Does Sirius know?”
“No. I don’t think Remus does either. They fell asleep in the room not long after you that night.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“So, that’s why things were all put away when I went back the next night. You cleaned up before they knew who it was.” Peter nodded and James tugged the shorter boy into his side. “Thank you.”
“Of course. What are best friends for?”
“You’ve always been so good at keeping secrets.” They both laughed a second later knowing that if there was a reputation to be had, Peters was the largest gossip in their year and at the Order. He somehow knew everything about everyone and would come back to the house and divulge others secrets. Never his friends though, never his friends.
“It’s okay to not be okay, you know. You’re allowed to have bad days too.”
“Regulus used to say the same thing. Would always scold me for constantly putting myself before others and never letting myself have an off day of my own.”
“He had a point, y’know.”
“I know. This though, I can’t let myself feel this. Not now, not yet. Sirius needs me. Regulus may be the love of my life, but he is Sirius brother first and foremost.”
“James…” Pete sighed.
“No.” James stands up and makes his way to the door. “You should go to sleep.” Is all James offers as he leaves, making his way to his parents room in a different wing of the house, casting a silencing charm before taking out the box of memories in his mind and letting himself feel everything, not sleeping for even a moment before the sun rises and he locks it all back up.
The boys wake up to the smell of breakfast and the sound of James humming to himself in the kitchen the next morning. Later they get a call from Mary and Lily that Marlene and Dorcas were dead. The cycle starts again.
————
“James!”
————
“Alright everyone, gather around!” Dumbledore walked into the Orders meeting house, only the members of the inner circle being there. James came in with Remus and Sirius and was looking around for Pete who had vanished from the house a few weeks prior with no trace of where he went. He hoped his childhood best friend was okay.
“We got some intel of a death eaters raid on Hogsmeade today. I’ve gathered you all because you are the most advanced in your order training. You as well as some of our older auror members will be going to defend it. I will be assigning you all groups. It was also brought to my attention that our traitor may be with them tonight, so keep an eye out if you see anyone familiar to the order.” James suddenly wishes he was with Peter wherever he was because he didn’t know if he could handle finding out who the traitor was. It was coming close to a year since Regulus had died and James is just barely holding it together for Siruis who looks a lot worse for wear.
Dumbledore went on about their strategy and who was going to be with who. Of course Remus, Sirius and James were in the same group, the three a well oiled machine since third year. Pete was also in their group if he decided to show. Once the meeting was over, they were sent over to try and evacuate as many people as possible for the least amount of casualties.
Thankfully they got a good amount of people out before the smoke started to appear in the sky. While yes, James was very anti death eater, he was very intrigued by how they travelled like smoke. He thought it was cool, sue him.
As soon as the first few landed, hexes, curses and defends spells were being thrown back and forth, while the groups in the back kept trying to evacuate the last people left in the village. At some point the building next to James exploded sending him flying away from his friends. He braced his body for a hard fall, an episkey on the tip of his tongue knowing he would have at least a broken bone somewhere.
Instead of a hard fall though, he landed on something or rather someone cushiony.
“What the fuck?” The voice groaned from under him. James’ blood froze immediately recognizing the voice. Before he could say anything though, he was dragged away by a different death eater.
“Get out of here. Now! Go find Sirius and Remus and get out!” If he was shocked before, nothing could’ve prepared him for this.
“Regulus?”
“I…I’ll explain everything later. Do you all still live at the manor?” James shook his head not trusting his voice.
“Okay, we’ll just for tonight, go back and put up as many protective wards as you possible can okay? All of you. Those plus the generations of wards before them should keep you safe. I’ll come by when I can. Please just go!” Regulus pleaded and who was James to deny him. Even after all this time James would do anything Regulus asked of him. His being belonged to the younger Black brother. So James turned around and ran, taking a moment to stop and check behind him, Regulus still standing there.
“I love you.” James called out before running once more and finding his friends, forcing them to apparate with him and told them to start warding the house with all kinds of protective wards once more, James making sure the house would still allow Regulus in.
None of them slept that night, more nervous than anything. James just told them that he was told to grab them and run but not by who. He had been so focused on getting out that he forgot to tell them about the one thing he could. The sun was starting to rise and he was in the kitchen making tea when Remus walked in.
“Hey, James? Why is Pete blocked on the wards?” Suddenly all James could hear was the ‘what the fuck’ from the person he landed on.
“Umm…”
“James?”
“I don’t know if now is the best time for…”
“Nows not the best time for what?” Sirius walked into the room and walking straight into Moonys side.
“Peter isn’t in the wards anymore. I tried to make space for him last night but it wouldn’t let me.” Remus glared at James.
“What the fuck Prongs?”
“Guys, I can explain.” James met his friends glare with his wide doe eyes hoping he would be able to get out the conversation.
“So? On with it then.” Sirius prodded.
“I really don’t think this a good time for this. We’re all in a state and its getting closer to that…date.” James made a pointed glance at Sirius.
“No, you don’t get to use Regulus’ death as an escape for this.” Sirius looked pissed that he even tried.
“Fine. At some point during the battle last night, I kind of got caught in an explosion and was tossed a few meters away but instead of landing painfully on the ground, I landed a little less painfully on someone.” James could see the realization flash across Remus’ face before he looked to Sirius who still seemed a little lost.
“Okay and? Congrats, you killed a death eater by squishing them.”
“They didn’t, he didn’t,” James took a deep breath pulling himself together from the edge he was on. “They were fine, just shocked. He, uh, said something but I knew the voice instantly.”
“You found the traitor, didn’t you James.” Remus was deadly serious, his normally warm voice ice cold.
“Yes.”
“And who was it?”
“Pete.”
“No way. Peter would never betray us, betray you. There has to be another explanation for this.” Sirius started grasping for straws the way James had earlier.
“I don’t know, Pads. I mean it makes sense. The way he planted doubt in both you and Remus about each other being the traitor and then randomly leaving when you guys talked it out and promised to trust each other. Him not coming back even though things are getting more serious by the day.”
Their conversation was cut short when the sound of the floo went off. The only people allowed through at the moment were Mary, Lily and Regulus but James knew there was no way Regulus would enter through the floo network. They rushed over to find Mary comforting Lilt who seemed to be worked up in a state.
“Lils? What’s wrong?” James immediately wrapped her in a hug.
“You’re okay? Where’s Remus and Sirius? Are they with you?”
“Yeah, they’re right behind us.” James turns his head to see them being held by a now crying Mary.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“We thought you guys were dead, you fucking idiots.” Mary stepped back to punch Remus and Sirius while Lily just held on tighter.
“Why would we be dead?”
“Because we went to check on you this morning at the hollow but it was ash when we got there.” James felt his body tense in Lilys arms.
“How? The only people who knew we lived there were….” Sirius looked around the room before letting out a loud “fuck!” and flipping over the coffee table.
“Sirius? What’s wrong?” Lily asked before Mary gave her a pointed look. She seemed to get the message and separated from James to go over to Sirius and wrap him in a hug as well. “Oh, I’m so sorry Sirius. I didn’t even think about what time of year it was.”
“No, it’s not fucking about that! It’s…” Sirius took a deep breath before telling James to fill Mary and Lily in.
“You came in just as we were trying to make sense of it all but he was the only one other than you two who knew we moved because he moved with us. Dumbledore probably has a spy on the inside who must be the one who told you to get here.”
“Who – “Mary started to ask before James cut her off with a quiet, “I don’t know. I didn’t recognize their voice. I was in such a panic over Peter that I didn’t really register much else other than the message.”
“Well, we should probably bring back a message that you three are okay. Everyone is worried sick.”
“No!” James shouted before letting out a cough and repeating the word more calmly. “No. I – There has to be a reason that none of us knew there was a spy on the inside. I don’t want to risk them. I can’t risk them.” He pleaded.
“He does have a point.”
“But Alice and Frank…” Alice and Frank.
“Fine, but only Alice and Frank. Don’t let them know it all or that we’re here though, okay?” Lily nodded and they shared a look, one that made James know she would keep this promise.
“Alright. We will visit soon though. Promise.” The group shared one last round of hugs before the two girls left leaving their friends to deal with the pieces of what they now knew to be true.
“So, Petes, no Peter, is the traitor.”
“Yeah.”
“Looks like it.”
They stood in silence for a few minutes before going their separate ways, each wanting, needing the handle this news differently. There was a silent agreement to meet back in James’ room to sleep, even if they didn’t all come in at once.
By the time Regulus gets there, James has worked himself into a state in the observatory. He’s not mad at the younger Black, never, but the thought of Peter being the traitor has his blood boiling. How could he do this to them? How could he act so sad about Marlene if hes been a spy this whole time? Its like pieces of a puzzle are slowly clicking together. How the death eaters suddenly seemed one step ahead for the last year and a half.
“James?”
“Regulus.”
“James, hey.” What once seemed to come naturally felt stilted as james strided over to the younger boy and collapsed in his arms that hesitantly wrapped around him.
“Pete, Peter, he was…”
“I know James, I know. Shh, its gonna be okay.” Regulus shyly comforted him.
Once he calmed down, he asked what hes been waiting to since hearing his voice in Hogsmeade. “How are you alive? Why, why did you save me? Us?”
James leaned back the slightest bit to watch the boy answer. To be able to see his face as he explained himself. “I love you too. I’m so sorry for…everything.”
“No, you don’t get to do that. You left me. You said I was too much.”
“I know. I’m so sorry but I had to and I can’t explain all of it, not yet but I need you to know that I love you and everything I’ve done is to protect you, Sirius and Remus. I swear it. Please, just let me explain what I can.
“I’ve mastered occlumency.”
“What?”
“After we broke up I started to work on it a bit more as a just in case because you were, are, a death eater and I was going to be a part of the order and I know that Dumbledore was going to sort through recruits mind just to make sure there was no disloyalty. So, I learnt. Got real good at it too.” He shrugged.
“Then when Kreacher came and told us that you had died I kind of lost it for a minute, got lost in my head y’know? Then looking at your brother I knew I needed to be there for him so I boxed it all up and hid it all away.”
“James.” Regulus sent him a disapproving look.
“I know that you don’t like when I put others first but he still doesn’t know. I don’t think Remus does either. Peter does though.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Regulus stared at him and for the first time since their time apart started, he felt whole again. His whole universe was in his arms.
“Nothing. Everything.”
The moment was tender and sweet and something both saw coming from a mile away when they leaned forward and rested their foreheads against each other before their lips met in a soft kiss.
“Where have you been?”
“I got out after I faked my death. Have this small apartment in wizarding London.”
The two were catching up, Regulus following James’ suggestion of telling him everything and nothing all at once. They were curled up on large bed James had transfigured the table into, food and drinks discarded on the floor. Regulus had made James promise to keep all of this safe and tucked away in the recesses of his mind and of course, James swore he would.
Regulus started going on about plans he and his friends Barty and Evan had about betraying the death eaters and the dark lord. The older boy listened intently, his mind filling up with information about horcruxes and Regulus general wellbeing while throwing in a few comments and questions here and there.
After hours of talking that lasted into the sunrise, Regulus left in a flourish with a kiss and a promise to come back.
————
“Aww, look Reggie. If it isn’t the Black family traitor and his little Order friends. You could’ve been great Siris, how far you’ve fallen. It’s okay though, because now we have the true heir of the House of Black. One that will do whatever needs to be done to keep the family thriving. Oh well, it won’t matter for much longer now.” Bellatrix jeered, Peter laughing and egging her on.
James didn’t even realize that he jumped when he saw Bellatrix’s wand pointed at his best friend.
“Crucio!”
“James!”
Fire was consuming James from the inside out. The all too familiar eyes only brought pain when it once brought comfort. James stared into the eyes that he loved oh so much only to see them glazed over, an Imperius curse making Regulus watch everything unfold unable to do anything.
He doesn’t know how this mission had gone so wrong. He wonders how Regulus got found out or if they would kill him too or leave him under the curse to do their dirty work. Soon enough he couldn’t focus on anything but the pain overtaking his body, so mind melting that it was making his vision hazy, going in and out, his body crumpled in a fetal position in between his best friend and the love of his life.
He prayed to whatever force out there that even if he died that Regulus, Sirius, Remus, Mary and Lily would be okay. He prayed that Alice and Frank would get better for their son. That eventually the doctors as St. Mungos would be able to save them somehow.
“Avada Kedavra!”
“Pestia Incendium!”
“Sectumsempra!”
“Imperio!”
“Aveda Kedavra!”
It all happened so quickly but suddenly the pain stopped, and he was looking at an unfamiliar ceiling. He can feel people moving him around and setting him on a bed and forcing potions down his throat. He knew they wouldn’t save him, but he didn’t want to ruin his friends hope.
“Hey Sirius?” He coughed out when his best friend emptied his blurry vision. “Find Regulus and keep him safe for me, yeah? I love him with everything in me. I hope you two can work on your shit and get along again.” Every word was a struggle to get out, each one leaving him more and more breathless.
“Prongs, he’s right here, okay? Tell him yourself today, tomorrow and the day after. Just know that once we get you right, I’m gonna kill you myself.” Sirius let out a wet laugh. “My brother? Really James?”
James turned his head to see tears streaming down Regulus face. He tried his best to smile and let out a soft “yeah.”
“You’re gonna be okay mon soleil. You must be okay because the sun rises every morning, yeah?”
“Mhm.” Was all James could get out. He lets his eyes drift around, the room they were in starting to look familiar to him.
“Our first apartment?” He asked between bloody coughs.
“Yeah, yeah, our apartment James. Just like we wanted it and once you’re feeling better I can show you around okay?”
James nodded, his eyes starting to feel heavy. He was so tired. He guesses joining a war effort at seventeen would do that to a person. God, hes gone through so much in such a short amount of time, just barely reaching twenty-one a few months ago. James would do anything if it meant his friends and love would stay alive. He wonders what the afterlife is like.
“You’re gonna be okay James. I’ve got you. We’ve all got you. You’re not gonna die okay?”
With one last effort, he opened his hands and saw Regulus take one and felt Sirius the other. “Sirius, you’re the best brother I could’ve ever asked for. I love you so much. Regulus, love of my life, please live. You’re gonna do amazing things, okay? I love you with everything in me. I know you don’t really believe in soulmates, but I know you were mine.” He smiled at the boy in front of him, his vision getting hazy, the grip around his hand getting tighter.
“No, James please. Stay awake, stay with me please. Stay with us. Please don’t go, please.” A weight on his chest.
“Prongs, James, I need you. You have to stay, you have to.” The voice of home.
“I love you so much. I love-“ The promise of forever.
————
“James? What are you doing here?”
“Why are you here so early, son?” James head jerked towards the sound of the voices he knew since he knew what anything was at all.
“Mom? Dad?” There they were in front of him for the first time since he was eighteen.
“Oh, come here honey.” Effie and Monty opened their arms, James running into them.
“I’ve missed you guys so much.” James broke down feeling like a child once again. “It’s been so difficult without you.”
“Oh Jamie. It’s gonna be okay. It’s all okay now.”
A loving family of three was together once more.