James couldn’t breathe. Someone had knocked into him in the corridor. He was sure it was an accident but now he couldn’t breathe. All he could feel was the crowd on his skin, despite it being long-gone. Instead of just keeping going, he had stupidly just sprinted back to his dorm and was currently shut in the bathroom hyperventilating.
Merlin what will his friends think when they catch up.
Pull yourself together James. You’ve got this. Don’t let them see you so broken. He glances at his tear-stained face and attempts a smile but it’s all wonky and it’s wrong. It’s all so wrong. He slides down the wall onto the floor and just sits there hugging his knees and shaking.
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
He can hear them getting closer and instinctively covers his ears, the noise splitting his skull. Keep rocking, keep breathing, stop thinking. He can sense that they are on the other side of the door. They’re probably laughing at him.
What a freak.
Why can’t you just be normal?
James can only imagine what they’re whispering. He cries even harder, trying to block everything out but he can’t. It’s all so so wrong and he can’t breathe. Why can’t he breathe.
Suddenly someone is there. Sat on the floor infront of him. Just sat there. James wanted to scream.
He started to hit his head on the wall behind him, hands on ears, eyes squeezed shut but something warm and soft got in the way.
‘Shush there darling, don’t do that my love,’ the warm thing said, ‘I’m here Jamie, it’s okay, we’re okay.’
Someone turns the lights off and James feels his eyes relax a bit. Then his hands are being pried away from his ears and he goes to scream but there’s headphones there in an instant. It’s oh so quiet and James loves it. It’s as if someone turned off a switch and suddenly the world isn’t ending anymore. It’s just James and this warm warm person that was now sliding behind him and wrapping their arms around him, hugging him tight. It felt so perfect.
For the first time in forever, James felt like he could breathe again.
He took a few shuddery breaths, feeling his body melt into whoever was behind him and he let himself relax as the exhaustion washed over him. He just sat there and let himself be pulled further into the dark depths of sleep.
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James peeked one eye open and was overwhelmed by the light. He immediately snapped it shut again. Something behind him moved and him moaned at the loss of heat that he’d only just registered. He heard the curtains being drawn and he risked another glance. This time he could make out a figure by the window, just stood there observing him.
‘Reggie?’ James’ voice was croaky and rough.
The figure was by him in an instant.
‘I’m here James, are you okay?’ Regulus’ voice was smooth and even. It tickled James’ brain in a way that he couldn’t quite comprehend but loved. James heaved himself up so that he was sitting and took in his surroundings.
Wait.
Why was he in bed? It’s the middle of the day...
Suddenly it all came flooding back to him and James could feel the panic rising again.
‘No no no no no no no.’ James muttered, inching away from Regulus, retreating back into himself.
As if he could sense his panic, Regulus climbed up onto the bed and hugged James again, hoping the pressure would calm him down.
‘It’s okay Jamie just breathe with me, one in one out can you do that?’ James could barely move his head to nod yes, too focused on trying not to start crying again. Slowly he turned his attention to Regulus’ chest pressed firmly against his and tried to breathe in time with him.
One in, one out. One in, one out. One in, one out.
James wasn’t too sure how long they were sat there like that. Just breathing. He could feel his breaths evening out and risked pulling away from Regulus. He could see his worried expression and knew that he’d have to explain, but he couldn’t find the words. He was sure that Regulus would hate him. That he’d call him a freak. That he’d just laugh and taunt James. That was what everyone else had done. Snape still tried his best to rile James up, to get him to freak out and then stand there and laugh.
James couldn’t look Regulus in the eye.
‘It’s okay if you hate me. It’s weird I know and I’m sorry, I tried not to let it get to me but I couldn't do it and I'm sorry. I know I'm a freak and it's okay if you want to leave now,’ James muttered, barely audible.
‘What the fuck did you just say,’ Reggie asked, his voice deadly cool. ‘Who told you that? I swear to Merlin I will end them, tell me who it was.’
James looked up in surprise and saw the murderous glint that he knew all too well in his boyfriend’s eyes.
‘What?’ James asked, confused.
‘I asked who the fuck told you all that ableist shit. You can't say that about yourself Jamie, you really can’t. Why would you say that?’ Regulus’ voice almost croaked in a way James had never heard before and he didn’t know what to do, he just sat there staring in disbelief, his brain slowly absorbing the words pouring out of his boyfriend's mouth.
‘You are so perfect James. This isn’t your fault at all, it’s okay. You don’t have to try and explain anything but please, please listen to me when I say that you’re not a freak. You’re not weird. You’re my Jamie and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you felt like you had to keep this to yourself, that you thought it was wrong. I’m so sorry James.’ Regulus was on the brink of tears and it was all James could do to keep himself from crying again. Why was Reggie being so nice? James thought he was going to leave, just like everyone else. Why was he upset about the things James said rather than James freaking out like he had?
James tried to do his best reassuring smile but it still felt a bit wonky, he strained his face harder. Smiling would fix it, it always did.
‘I’m okay Reggie, I’m always okay.’
‘No you’re not but it’s okay my love, you’re allowed to not be okay. You don’t have to pretend with me.’
James almost melted right there and then.
‘Do you think McGonagall will care if we miss the rest of today?’ He asked.
‘If she has an issue she can go through me first,’ Regulus responded and James could hear the pure determination in his voice.
James snuggled back down into bed, pulling his darling boyfriend under the covers with him.
‘I love you so much Reggie, thank you for not hating me.’ James murmured.
‘I couldn’t hate you if I tried my love, you are my one and only,’ Regulus responded.
James smiled at that and Regulus sighed at the sight. James truly was beautiful, even when he was puffy-eyed and tearstained. Regulus vowed to never stop loving the man in front of him. He would help James as best he could. His boyfriend would breathe again, he was sure of it.
Regulus would save him.