Max Black lived by one simple rule: finders, keepers.
That rule applied to money, unattended pastries, and—apparently—mystery pills she found lying around.
So when she spotted a tiny pink tablet on the diner floor while sweeping up after a long shift, she didn’t think twice. She popped it in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. It tasted faintly of artificial fruit. Probably candy. Or, like, one of those vitamins that rich people take to make their hair shinier.
Fifteen minutes later, she was climbing Caroline.
---
“MAX, WHAT THE HELL?!”
Caroline was screeching, her arms pinned to her sides as Max clung to her torso like a starving octopus.
“I need you,” Max groaned, rubbing her cheek against Caroline’s shoulder. “Like, in a deep, primal way.”
Caroline let out a strangled noise. “YOU NEED A DOCTOR.”
“I need my hot blonde best friend to stop resisting our fate,” Max whined, tightening her grip. “Just… lemme be close to you. You feel so good.”
Oleg, who had been sweeping, raised a hand. “I volunteer.”
Max, still attached to Caroline, turned her head. “I would rather eat my own foot.”
Oleg shrugged. “Your loss.”
Han, who had been watching from behind the counter, looked genuinely concerned. “Max, are you okay? You’re acting… even more unhinged than usual.”
Caroline, still struggling, huffed. “SHE TOOK A RANDOM PILL OFF THE FLOOR.”
Han’s eyes widened in horror. “Max! That is not safe!”
Max groaned. “Oh my God, everyone calm down, it wasn’t, like, poison. It was pink and fruity! Probably a vitamin!”
Caroline finally managed to pry Max off of her, pushing her back against the counter. “You’re burning up! Are you okay? Do you feel sick?”
Max just grinned, looking at Caroline like she was a damn buffet table.
“I feel amazing,” Max purred, stepping closer. “I feel like my body has never been more ready for anything.”
Caroline backed up. “Ready for what?”
Max licked her lips.
Caroline’s eyes went wide.
“Oh my God,” Caroline breathed. “Max. That wasn’t a vitamin.”
Han blinked. “What was it then?”
Caroline swallowed, looking genuinely panicked. “I think she took an aphrodisiac.”
Silence.
Then:
“Oh,” Han whispered.
“Ohhh,” Earl nodded.
“OH,” Oleg said way too excitedly.
Caroline’s entire body locked up as Max started advancing again, looking like a jungle cat hunting its prey.
“Blondie,” Max crooned, her voice dripping with something Caroline was not equipped to deal with. “You’re, like… so soft. You’re, like… a human cashmere sweater. I just wanna…” Max trailed off, reaching for Caroline’s waist.
“NOPE,” Caroline shrieked, dodging out of her reach. “You are not touching me while you’re drugged!”
Max pouted. “But I feel so touchy.”
“I CAN SEE THAT.”
Han cleared his throat, clearly desperate to not be a part of this conversation. “Maybe we should, uh… get Max some water?”
Caroline was already way ahead of him, dragging Max toward the back.
“I’m taking you home before you start dry-humping the furniture,” Caroline muttered.
Max gasped, pressing a hand to her chest. “Oh, so I only get to hump you? Damn, Blondie, say that earlier next time.”
Caroline nearly threw her out the diner door.
---
Caroline had barely gotten Max inside when she realized she had vastly underestimated the situation.
Max was practically vibrating with restless energy, flopping dramatically onto the couch before immediately rolling onto the floor.
“Oh my God, I feel like my skin is too tight,” Max groaned, tugging at her tank top. “Caroline, what if I just… took off my clothes?”
Caroline pointed a dangerous finger at her. “DON’T YOU DARE.”
Max smirked. “You wanna do it for me?”
Caroline’s soul left her body.
“Max, sit,” she ordered, pushing her onto the couch.
Max flopped onto her back instead, spreading her arms like she was preparing to be sacrificed.
“I need—ughh—I need physical affection,” Max whined. “Caroline, just come cuddle me. I swear, just for, like, a second.”
“No.”
“Half a second?”
“No.”
“A quarter of a second?”
Caroline dragged a hand down her face. “MAX, I AM NOT TOUCHING YOU.”
Max made a high-pitched, devastated noise. “You hate me.”
Caroline sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I do not hate you.”
“You do,” Max groaned dramatically, rolling onto her stomach. “You’re my best friend, my ride-or-die, my life partner, my—”
“STOP.”
Max rolled right off the couch, landing on the floor with a dull thud.
Caroline didn’t even blink. “That’s what you get.”
Max just lay there for a second before mumbling, “This floor is cold. You should be down here too.”
Caroline walked away.
---
Max had reached the pathetic stage.
She was curled up in a blanket cocoon, whining softly into the pillow Caroline had given her.
“Blondie,” Max murmured. “I’m so sad.”
Caroline, who had finally relaxed enough to sit beside her on the couch (but only because Max had stopped being overtly horny), sighed. “You’re fine.”
Max pouted, turning over dramatically to face Caroline. “You’re so mean to me.”
Caroline rolled her eyes. “Because you licked my shoulder like a feral cat an hour ago.”
Max’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “It was delicious.”
Caroline grabbed a couch cushion and slammed it over Max’s face.
Max just cackled.
---
Max woke up with a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and an overwhelming sense of wrongness.
She sat up slowly, rubbing her temples. “What the hell happened?”
Caroline, sipping coffee at the table, didn’t even look up. “Oh, nothing. You just humped my leg, tried to undress yourself in public, and licked me.”
Max blinked.
Caroline took another sip. “Oh, and you called Han ‘Daddy’ at one point.”
Max clapped her hands together. “Cool. So I’ll be throwing myself into traffic now.”
Caroline set down her mug. “You do that, and I’ll tell the paramedics about how you whimpered when I touched your hair.”
Max groaned, face-planting onto the table.
"I hate everything."
Caroline smiled.
"You should be grateful i didn't film it"