Chapter 11
The ring burned a hole in his pocket. Being with Aurora was like being on fire, like a comet soaring through the stars. If being with Rory was a delicious burning, being with James was a refreshing salve. Even still, it was hard to keep from just pressing the ring into Rory’s hand and begging. And he would, he realizes. Beg. But he didn’t think he would have to. With their friends they remained fairly much the same. But when they were alone…
He had always enjoyed spending time with Aurora; as well as her sister. When they were children the three of them would talk for hours, laid out under the sky. Regulus would point out certain stars and constellations, Pandora could keep him talking for hours.
Aurora, on the other hand, seemed able to communicate with him silently. The two of them spent years worth of nights together in the common room, usually reading. They didn’t do much reading anymore. He wasn’t complaining.
It was like Aurora lived by sustaining herself on kisses and caresses. She was so sweet. And sometimes the way she kissed him scared him. Sometimes she kissed him like she wanted to eat him. Swallow him whole. He could think of many worse ways to die.
So every time she looked into his face like he was a lovely thing, it was an effort not to slip the ring onto her finger and beg her not to take it off. Ever. just keep looking at me. Like you see me.
He searched for her dark head at breakfast, but found Pandora sitting alone, blonde head bent over her toast.
“Good morning, Reggie” Pandora chirps pleasantly.
“Morning Dora. Where would our Rory be this morning?”
“Well that’s why it’s such a pleasant morning. Can’t you tell I’ve slept well?” She says, gesturing to her admittedly well-rested looking face, “she’s in the infirmary. It’s not that I relish her suffering, but I do sleep better without her muttering in her sleep.”
Regulus chuckles, pleased by this new tidbit of information “she talks in her sleep?”
Pandora puffs out a breath “Yells, more like. She has nightmares. Sometimes she wakes up screaming.”
“What does she dream about?” He asks, all amusement now gone.
Pandora shrugs, shaking her head sadly “I’m not sure, she doesn’t tell me the details of her nightmares, but I can guess.” Her eyes expression darkens “it’s really not my story to tell, but her life before you met her was-“ her voice breaks with sudden emotion “-her father was an evil man and I’m glad he’s dead.” She bites out, leaving Regulus stunned. It wasn’t often Pandoras sunshine was clouded, it was even rarer for that cloud to be a storm. For it to make Pandora so upset for her sister, it must have been quite bad. Worse than what he already knew of his cruelty.
Walburga Black and Rory’s father had apparently attended to same class of Bad Parenting. Both would berate and starve their children. They were different though, where Walburga enjoyed beating her children and using occlumency on their minds, Aurora had been locked in her room for days at a time and starved.
His anger simmered in his chest; if it was worse than what he already knew…
Unclenching his fists, he speaks through gritted teeth “should I visit her? In the infirmary?”
Pandora smiles at him quizzically “why wouldn’t you? You know it hasn’t gone past her notice that you don’t visit her.”
Something cold settles in the depths of his stomach. “I just- I thought- it won’t bother her…?”
“Honestly, Regulus you’re hopeless! Of course she wants you to visit her, you’re her best friendand she’s been in love with you since we were eleven.”
“Oh.” He really hadn’t thought about it like that. Pandora rolls her eyes.
He had been under the impression that Rory felt vulnerable, almost shameful about her illness. He had assumed she didn’t want him to visit her in the infirmary, assumed she hadn’t wanted him to see her like that.
I am an idiot.
He is hit suddenly with the realization that he was viewing vulnerability as a weakness; and that the thought was in his mothers voice.
In truth, Regulus admired Aurora even more for her health struggles. She was stronger than most, if physically not up to certain tasks. She suffered daily, in ways no one else was even cognizant of, but she didn’t hide it, nor did she complain. She walked the tightrope of sickness and health with grace, forever in limbo.
He shoots to his feet, Pandora looking not surprised at all when he announces he has to go somewhere. He is almost certain she knows he is going to the infirmary.
The room is silent when he arrives. Rows of crisp, white beds paint a grim and sterile picture. Madame Pomfrey is no where to be found. Only one bed had the curtains drawn.
Maybe she’s asleep.
Should I leave?
“Rory?” He says softly, hesitantly.
“Regulus?” Answers a disbelieving voice. The curtains pull back, and there she is.
She was maybe paler than usual, but still his Rory. His.
She’s in a large T-shirt, blankets pulled up to her mid-chest. A book lies in her lap, she saves her place with a scrap of paper she is using as a bookmark and sits up to greet him. Her face is lit from within, she seemed excited to see him; and surprised. The surprise makes him feel guilty but the feeling fades fast, replaced with his own shock and disbelief as his eyes snag on her torso.
Her shirt. It was his.
“That’s James shirt.”
Aurora looks at him confused, she looks down at her shirt as if she wasn’t sure what she was wearing. As if she had forgotten.
His. His.
“What the fuck is going on?” He asks flatly. Coldly. He almost shivers. He has never talked to Rory like this before. But he is hurt, and hurt animals bite.
Aurora laughs, but it’s not her normal laugh, it was harsh. It was hurt too.
“ you’re asking me that question? I have no idea what is happening here. I know I’m crazy but not this crazy.”
It hurts to hear that, to hear her call herself a word she has spent so much time dodging. He wants to hear her laugh again, her real one that is so startling loud and then hilariously silent. He wants to hear it so bad but he can’t stop himself, “Why are you wearing James Potters shirt?” He can’t stop himself from ruining it. He ruins everything.
Aurora shifts, sitting up fully “What exactly are you asking me?” Her eyes are narrowed, every muscle tight, as if poised to strike. Or to defend.
“What the fuck do you think I’m asking you Aurora?”
She is on her feet in moments, hands balled into fists at her sides “You don’t get to talk to me like that.” She crosses the room towards the door. Barefoot, desperate to flee.
“Are you fucking James Potter?”
That stops her in his tracks. She doesn’t turn around as she says “Are you really asking me if I’m sleeping with someone else while I’m waiting for you to propose to me just because I’m wearing my best friends shirt?”
He is so cold, his blood is like shards of ice slicing him from the inside.
“I thought I was your best friend.”
“I thought so too but you’re sure as shit not acting like that now.” And with that thrown over her shoulder, she storms away. He has half a mind to not let her, but whatever scrap of self preservation he has wins out over his self sabotage. For once.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck
He should go to Pandora. Pandora was always right and she knew Rory like a sister ought and he really should just tell her what he did and listen to her probably very sound advice. So why is he here?
It’s a weekend, people are coming and going, so it doesn’t take long until someone is entering the gryffindor common room. He doesn’t even have to lie to get in, the girl offers. Gryffindors always wanted to see the best in people, be the helping heroic hand. Maybe that’s why James liked him.
He knocks on James door loudly. He doesn’t even care that Sirius might answer, he doesn’t even consider it. But it’s James that answers the door. Regulus is about to speak, when he notices James face. His usually lazy and confident posture is now stiff and on guard. He holds the door open only enough to talk through, hiding the room beyond.
“Regulus” James mutters, surprised.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” A voice says behind him, and the door is thrown open wide. Aurora is before him, seething as James looks between the two in panic. A glance into the room beyond confirms they are alone.
That they had been alone.
“What are you doing here?” She asks and it kills him.
“What are you doing here?” He asks, digging a grave.
“Regulus.” James warns. Aurora looks at James. Regulus looks at James. And then to Regulus. Regulus meets her eyes. Sees the tears in them.
“You can’t do this Reggie you can’t do this to me I can’t take it and I won’t let you.” She is still wearing the shirt, her freely flowing tears falling like raindrops onto the faded cotton.
“Fuck” is all he can say at first, running his hands over his face, through his hair, “Rory I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean to hurt you I just-“ just what? He didn’t know. “I just saw the shirt and I reacted-“
“You assumed.” She cuts him off “You assumed that I was fucking James. But that’s actually not what I’m even mad about. I’m mad that you didn’t even consider an alternative. I’m mad that you didn’t let me explain. But more than anything I’m mad that you would ever speak to me like that.”
He takes a step toward her and she retreats deeper into the room.
“Hey woah let’s just take a breath yeah?” James has his arms outstretched and it’s unclear who he intends to keep from who.
“Just tell me it isn’t true” Regulus pleads.
“No!” Aurora shoots him down, sounding absolutely outraged, “I shouldn’t have to! So what if I was? You don’t own me Regulus and I don’t owe you anything. You want me to tell you we aren’t sleeping together? Now you’re ready to listen? Now that you’ve issued the order. You are really fucking unbelievable you know that? Fine Regulus. I’m not sleeping with James. I’m a Virgin, if that’s what you’re really asking. Because that’s what this is right? I’m just breeding stock set on reserve. I’ve heard it all my fucking life and I won’t hear it from you.”
She says the last with a finger jabbing in his face. “I am not some nobody you can just push around Regulus. I am not scared of you.” She is looking into his face with such pure unfiltered rage, and then James hands are on her shoulders, pulling her away. James slowly pushes Regulus with him to the other side of the door and shuts it behind him. Shuts her away from him.
“Look Reg, I think you should go.” James says, wincing at the look on Regulus face.
“It’s not that I want you to go you just both need some time to cool off and I don’t want to leave her alone. Are you… alright?”
Regulus laughs, dark and dry and bitter “no.”
“Did you really think Rory and I were shagging?” James sounds so sad and he realizes he’s hurt two of the most important people in his life in one go.
“Yes. Not really. I don’t know what I think. I know you wouldn’t do that. And I know Rory wouldn’t either, but in the moment I was convinced.” He feels like the energy has been sucked out of him, now that his momentum has been interrupted. He feels like he’s made of lead and he is slowly sinking into the mud.
“And now?” James asks.
“Now I feel like I don’t know anything. I don’t know what she was talking about and I don’t know if she will forgive me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me-“ he clenches his eyes closed to hold back tears.
“Shit Reg” James moves to reach out, but stops as the door behind him slowly opens. Aurora peeks out, eyes puffy as tear still make their way down her cheeks. Even crying, she looks like an angel.
“If we promise not to yell and to only use our nice words, can we all talk? Please?”
“yes” Regulus answers immediately, making a silent plea to the divine let me fix this and I will be so good just please let me fix this I promise I’ll be good.
James follows Regulus into his room. Aurora takes a seat on the floor in the middle of the room. The boys follow suit, sitting on either side of her so they form a triangle looking at one another.
“Ok I’m going to start with some rules because I have to tell you some things and I just really can’t be interrupted.”
They nod, she continues “ I just think I need to tell you some things but it’s really rather awful so I only want to do it once. I don’t talk about… any of it. And neither will you.” She shoots a pointed look to them both, raising her eyebrows. They nod again, tense. Rory takes a deep breath. In. Out.
“Ok. Gods I hate this. Ok. Growing up it was basically just Father and I. I went to school but I didn’t get along with the other children, they didn’t like me. The feeling was mostly mutual, so I stayed away. I spent most of my time alone, or with my teachers. I was a bit of a teachers pet, I had always gotten along better with adults “ she says this with a clenched smile “anyway, Father noted my lack of a social life early and devised a plan. He was to start hosting dinners with a guest of his choosing in order to properly socialize me. My extra time was the perfect opportunity to enroll me in finishing school. Father would say it was never too early to evidence good breeding. By 5 I knew which utensil and which cup to use and when. I knew how to hold my glass by the stem, pinky out, chin up, and ankles crossed by 4, the perfect little doll. Every conversation, every kind word or light touch was to tell me who I would be. A beautiful bride, the prettiest rose to be plucked. What lovely children I would make for a lucky man one day, what conversation I would be able to carry out when called upon by my husband. What an asset, a prize. An object. A dancing circus monkey. And so I would perform. If I didn’t perform well I was starved. So I performed well. If I questioned a potential match, really if I questioned my father at all I would be locked in my room. I would scream for hours at first, but I would lose my voice eventually. If it didn’t come back in time for the next dinner, I was starved. If I clawed at the door and bloodied my fingers, I was starved. I was punished for anything that marred my physical appearance, I was to be kept in pristine performing conditions, or I would not be kept at all. I would perform for guest after guest. There was a dinner every night for years. The guests were mostly pure blood elites. Most of Slytherin has probably had a cousin or uncle at our table. At first it made me feel special that they would come to our house and dine with us just to see me. Like maybe I wasn’t broken after all, I was just an acquired taste maybe only adults could love. But as I got older, i realized what these dinners were. I was not special, I was up for auction. Families would pay a visit to see if I was up to snuff to arrange a marriage with. I never met who I would supposedly be engaged to, that wasn’t what was important. What was important was if I could carry a conversation and use the right fork and maintain a pretty face to make pretty pure blood babies.
What I’m trying to say is I was good at playing the game, but only because I had to survive. I hated all of it. Hogwarts is my home, that house Is my hell. There are two versions of me”
She had been looking at the floor, but now she looks straight at Regulus “the girl that lived in that house screams and claws at my skin when you act like you own me. When you questioned my fidelity so freely I could only hear my father the summer I got back from Hogwarts. He assumed I had been indecent around all those boys, he took every opportunity to remind me that if people knew I would be ruined. Nothing. If a man is worth his word, a woman is worth her chastity. Anyway my Fathers word wasn’t worth shit and I am so much more than who I’ve touched. I’m going to keep wearing Jamie’s shirts. And I’m going to keep being friends with Sirius. Just like I’m going to keep eating cake and sitting cross legged at the table and laughing loudly and doing all the other things I didn’t get to do because that girl deserves out of that house. My father is dead, and you’re not replacing him Regulus. I don’t have it in me to survive another haunted house.”
The dust of her speech settles around them.
“Batty…” James says sadly, eyes wide and mournful behind his glasses.
“If he wasn’t dead I would kill him.” Regulus doesn’t mean for it to come out with such venom, but there it is, and it’s true. “You’re right, I don’t own you and I’m so sorry I made you feel like that. I would never treat you like he did.”
“You don’t know what you could become.” She says sadly. James inhales sharply.
“Maybe not. But I know you, and you wouldn’t let me. James would probably throttle me, not to mention my idiot brother. Rory, you’re not alone anymore. And you’re not a child. Nor are you a porcelain doll behind glass. I’m so sorry if I made you feel like that’s how I see you, I don’t want to marry you for any reason other than my love for you.”
Aurora makes a pained noise “I love you so much Reggie”
“Still?” He cuts in, surprised.
She laughs, and the chains around his heart loosen. “Yes still. It would take a lot more than some harsh words to keep me from you.”
“You mean you still want me? To propose? And Solstice and everything?”
“Yes, Regulus.” She says softly, crawling to him, “you’re still mine. That hasn’t changed.”
He crawls to meet her, swiftly taking her into an awkward embrace.
“Then nothing else matters. Not to me. You can shag whoever and I’ll deal with it, you can do whatever you want, always, so long as I’m yours.”
He isn’t sure at what point he started crying, but he finds wetness on his cheeks as he holds her, both of them clinging to each other on the floor.
“Can I just chime in here? I’m not shagging Rory!” James is teary eyed as well as he gazes at them.
Rory laughs, pulling away from Regulus.
“That reminds me. Regulus take off your shirt.”
“What?!” He asks, startled. He watches in mute shock as Aurora pulls off the shirt she is wearing and holds it out to him.
“Hurry up and give me your shirt!”
He fumbles to fulfill her request, face hot as he hands it to her and averts his eyes with great effort as she slips his sweater on over her head.
For a moment he sits there, clutching the still tear-damp shirt against his bare chest. “Reggie put the shirt on.” Aurora commands, and he obeys.
“Hey where is my shirt? Don’t I get one?” James complains.
“I’ll give you one of mine, you would look good in a crop top.” Rory teases, but Regulus suspects she will actually bring him one of her many oversized shirts later. It seemed like something she would do, simply for the symbolism.
Regulus head whips around to look behind him as the door to James room opens.
Sirius stops short one step into the room “Wha-“
Regulus shoots to his feet, leaving James and Rory panicking on the floor.
“I’ll see you later.” Regulus says without turning as he all but lunges for the door.
“That’s right run away like you always do” Sirius sneers as he passes.
Regulus freezes with his hand on the doorknob.
“Padfoot please” Aurora whines.
Regulus slowly turns to face his brother. “That’s rich coming from you. I’m not the one that ran away.”
“Oh I know you didn’t. Always too busy licking Mothers boot.” Sirius bites out.
“Enough.” James declares, firm.
“I was just leaving.” Regulus is out the door in seconds, leaving a heavy silence in his wake.
“What was that about?” Sirius asks, nose wrinkled in distaste. He drops to the floor before Rory when he sees her tear streaked face.
“He’s made you cry.” He looks to James and startles “You too Prongs? What the hell have I walked into?”
James just rubs at his eyes. Aurora groans, rising from the floor and flopping face first onto a bed.
Sirius settles himself on the bed next to her, petting her head lightly “Good thinking getting snot on Moony’s bed, he’s the only one who would change the sheets.”
Aurora half groans half laughs into the covers, flopping over onto her back. “Will one of you send a bird to Dora?”
“Sure. Sleeping over?” James asks, already pulling out a piece of parchment to charm.
“Mhm” Rory murmurs, turning to Sirius. “We’ve all just had a very emotionally taxing conversation, but I trust my boys to lift the mood.”
Sirius salutes “Say no more. Does the situation call for snacks? Drinks? Fireworks?”
“You have fireworks?”
“I might have. I might not. It depends on what you need.” He says smoothly, hands behind his head, lounging.
“No I don’t think I need explosives, but snacks and drinks definitely.”
“Now the most important question: Are you willing to do some mischief?”
A feline smile spreads across Rory’s face, mirroring his own “What else are bad influences for?”