14:38.
Friday.
You’re taking up too much space.
You’re never going to be seen as a real guy, you know that right?
They all hate you.
You’re so fucking ugly.
God, why can’t you just lose weight?
They all hate you.
You look disgusting.
You don’t even pass as a guy.
Maybe you should start skipping breakfast again.
They all hate you.
They all hate you.
They all hate you!
“Hey! Earth to Wormtail. Are you okay?”
Remus waved a hand in front of Peter’s eyes. In an instant, Peter was pulled back to reality, in a study room of the Hogwarts library, where he and the other Marauders had been studying and talking. He looked over at Remus, whose eyebrows were raised in concern.
“Uhm. Yeah. I’m fine. Sorry, I just, uhm…I kind of spaced out there. Sorry,” Peter replied, blinking rapidly.
“No, no, you’re totally fine. You just had this weird look on your face for a second there,” Remus assured him, tapping their pencil against a piece of parchment. “I was just telling the other two about some of the effects of Mandrake Leaves in certain healing potions. I think that’s gonna be one of the essay choices on the NEWTS.”
“Yeah, great. Okay,” Peter nodded. He cast a glance over at James, who mouthed an ‘you okay?’ to him. Peter didn’t reply, but looked down. He needed to get out of there. He didn’t want them to worry about him. He didn’t want his friends to think he was pathetic or anything. He just needed space. Peter started packing his things into his leather satchel.
“Where are you going?” Sirius asked.
“I’ll be back,” Peter said. He stood up and left the room, closing the door of the study room behind him.
He quickly walked towards the exit of the library and through the hallways, not bothering to make any eye contact with anyone on his way out. He didn’t want anyone looking at him. He didn’t want to interact with anyone else.
He was around halfway up the stairs whenever he felt a hand on his arm. Peter whipped around, seeing an out-of-breath James doubling over.
“Peter, please for the love of Merlin, slow down. God, it felt like you were sprinting away from me,” James huffed.
“James, I said I was fine. I don’t want to be babied all the time,” Peter shrugged James’s hand off of his arm. James stepped away, his eyes widened. Peter had never said anything like that to him before. Peter was always the nice one, always the one who could cheer you up after a long and horrible day. He was never one to go into self-isolation or push people away.
“We’re—“ James corrected himself, still struggling to breathe normally. “I’m not babying you. Peter, I really care about you. It’s weird to see you just randomly go your own way.”
Peter didn’t reply to that. His eyes were welling up, and there was nothing he could do to stop his face from getting all red and blotchy. He swallowed his feelings down.
“So tell me.” James took one step up closer to Peter. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“Can we go back to the dorm at least? It’s not like I can talk about it where everyone’s going to class,” Peter looked around. There were lots of people around. Thankfully, no one had really noticed their conversation.
James nodded, seeming to understand that it probably had to deal with their new ‘thing’. James and Peter were still hesitant about things. They hadn’t talked about it a lot since a week ago whenever they settled on keeping this fun and secret for the time being. And no one else, at least to both of their knowledge, knew what was going on. James had promised not to tell Sirius about what happened. Besides, Sirius and Remus were often too wrapped up in each other to care about what was going on with other people. It was disgustingly sweet.
Peter opened the door to their dorm room, sitting on his bed. The curtains had been drawn back, as Peter had left the, earlier that morning. James sat beside him.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” James said.
Peter bit his lip.
“Uhm. Well. Just…today has been a bad, uhm…dysphoria day. And also, I just feel like shit whenever I see myself in the mirror. It’s like…I just hate looking at myself. And I hate that other people have to see me. Like this. I know I don’t look like you guys, I’m…you know.”
James shook his head. Was James really this stupid enough to not notice anything?
”I’m not skinny like you lot, or whatever. And it just fucking sucks, because I can’t really do anything about it. I mean I’ve tried for so long to lose weight, but it just never happens. And, fuck, no one gets it. I wish I just…I wish it wasn’t so fucking complicated. I wish being a guy was easier.” It all came out right at once, running like water. Peter didn’t know if he meant to say everything, but it was all out now. No going back.
“And, God, it just fucking sucks. You know?” He wiped an angry tear from the corner of his eye.
He felt so stupid for crying. Not only did he feel pathetic for confessing all of this to James, he’d also look babyish and weak because he couldn’t control his emotions. He couldn’t keep his tears in check.
“I’m sorry for putting this on you. It’s just…it’s a lot. I don’t want you to have to worry about me. I’m sorry.”
James didn’t say anything, but he took Peter’s hand in his, squeezing tightly. He rested his head on Peter’s shoulder.
“You shouldn’t apologize for your feelings. Ever.” James brought Peter’s intertwined-with-his-hand to his mouth and kissed it. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
“You won’t tell anyone?”
“Peter,” James looked directly into his eyes. “I would never ever, ever, tell anyone about this. It’s not my business to tell anyone about what you’re going through. And it’s not my thing to tell, anyways.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s the bare minimum, mate,” James laughed, kissing Peter’s cheek. “For all it’s worth, though, I think you really are one of the most handsome and beautiful people I’ve ever met, and I’m really glad that things have worked out so well between us.”
“I’m glad too.” Peter cupped James’s face for a quick kiss. James smiled, resting his forehead against Peter’s.
“What can I do to make you feel better? Do you wanna talk more about it? Or…about anything else? Or just…sit in silence? Or cuddle. Or like... I mean, you know, I’m open to anything. Anything you need,” James pushed Peter’s hair out of his face, so he could see his eyes better. “I’m always here for you. You’re my best friend. Well, you were. And now it’s…it’s a lot better than being best friends.”
Peter laughed. “Just staying here and could be nice. And stuff like that. I could use a distraction.”
“Sounds amazing. We can canoodle,” James playfully raised his eyebrows.
”You’ve ruined it now,” Peter rolled his eyes, laughing. “Whatever you say.”
James lay down, opening his arms for Peter to follow. Peter lowered himself into James’s arms, kicking off his shoes and tangling his legs into James’s. Their fingers were intertwined, and James was kissing Peter’s fingertips and knuckles and hands and wrist and the skin up his arm. Peter let out a giggle, pulling James closer to him and kissing his lips. He let James take control. James moved on top of him—Peter’s face cupped in his hands, slowly and passionately kissing.
“Wait. Are you sure you wanna do this?” James asked as he pulled away. “I know you weren’t feeling very, uh, well earlier.”
”I’m sure. I want this. Please,” Peter replied.
”Are you sure? Like 100% completely honestly sure?”
”Oh my god, James, yes! Just fucking kiss me!” Peter laughed. He was cut off by James kissing him again, smiling against his lips.
Peter felt his breath hitch in his throat as James moved from his lips down to his jawline. He had remembered Peter loved it when James kissed down his face and to his neck and below his ear. His heart was racing. He brought James’s face back to his to kiss his lips again and slip his hands under James’s shirt, feeling the warm skin under. James was flushed. He undid his tie, just leaving it hanging loosely on his neck.
“You’re so fucking pretty,” James whispered into Peter’s ear in a voice that sent goosebumps racing down his body. He kissed below Peter’s earlobe, his breathing getting heavier. Peter reached for a button on James’s shirt. James pulled away for a moment unbutton his shirt and toss it on the floor beside the bed. He kicked off his shoes before repositioning himself on top of Peter again, fiddling with Peter’s red and gold striped tie.
“Can I take this off?” He asked, touching one of the buttons on Peter’s shirt. “If you don’t want me to, please tell me honestly. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
”No, you can. Please,” Peter replied, helping him unbutton his shirt all the way down and toss it aside where James’s was. They’d have to iron them later. “Shit, is the door locked?”
”Oh, fuck.” James reached for his wand on the floor and pointed it at the door. It clicked, muting the noise of people walking through the halls around them. “I also put a silencing spell on it too.”
”Good call,” Peter laughed, pulling James down by his tie and kissing him again, running his free hand through his hair, slightly pulling. James whined into his lips. James was sensitive about his hair being pulled. Peter loved it. “I wonder if Moony and Padfoot are wondering where we are.”
”They’re probably using the study room to fuck. They’ve most definitely done it before,” James replied. “Gah, I don’t wanna think about them having sex right now.”
Peter laughed, trailing a hand down to James’s belt buckle. James pushed his hand away.
”Wait, wait. Wait. Wait.” James pulled away from Peter’s lips, out of breath. “Not like this. I want you on top.”
”What?” Peter sat up, head spinning from the loss of contact. “Why?”
”Just hear me out. Okay?” James grabbed his wand off of the floor, pointing it to the bathroom door, which swung wide open. “I want you to ride me while you’re looking into the mirror to see just how fucking gorgeous you are.”
Peter’s heart skipped a beat. He blinked. “Are…you joking?”
”No, no, I swear, I’m serious. I promise. God, I want you to see you watch yourself in the mirror,” James’s face was red now. Peter didn’t know if it was out of embarrassment or out of playing a scene in his head of Peter doing what he told him to do. Or both.
“Won’t it be awkward?” Peter asked hesitantly.
“I mean, it might be at first. I don’t know,” James put his wand back down where their shirts were. “I’m not going to force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but I really want you to see how hot you are, and how good you look when you’re turned on.”
Peter debated it for a moment. Was James joking around? Was he actually serious about wanting this?
Was James really the type of person to make him feel so special and loved and then to humiliate him during the most vulnerable thing he could share with someone?
No. James would never. James was kind, and he lived everyone. He’d never look at anyone sideways or make any comment about the way someone looked. He was, as some people had pointed out, a ball of pure sunshine. A puppy. A complete dork, who always knew what to say at the right time…most of the times.
And he knew Peter owed it to himself to try something new. He owed it to himself to feel confident in himself and his body. He’d do it.
“Okay. I’ll do it,” Peter said. James smiled and kissed him again, adjusting their positions so that Peter was straddling James, his legs on either side of James’s hips. Peter leaned forward to kiss James’s neck while trying to unbuckle his belt. “Fuck, I can’t get it.”
”I’ll help you,” James took Peter’s hands in his own and helped him get the belt off, unzipping his trousers and sliding them off.
James unbuttoned Peter’s own trousers, helping him out of them without completely losing their position. Peter glided his hands down James’s torso, lightly tracing circles into his skin. James let a whimper escape from him, his breath hitching. Peter kissed wet kisses to his chest, fingers following where his mouth was. James rolled his hips up, meeting Peter’s. Peter moved his body forward, grinding against James. James’s head was thrown back, eyes rolled to the back of his head.
“Peter, please, I need you,” James grunted, hands squeezing Peter’s thighs. “Please.”
“Do you have protection?” Peter asked, looking down at James.
“I have condoms in the box under my bed,” he replied, eyes squeezing shut in pleasure.
”I’ll be right back then,” Peter leaned forward to kiss James before he crawled off on him and the bed. He made eye contact with himself in the mirror and looked at his body for a split second before looking away. He couldn’t handle it right now. Not yet, anyways.
He went to the side of James’s bed, reaching under for the box and grabbing a condom from inside. He then went back over to his bed, where James was laying there. He put the condom beside them on the bed.
“Are you ready?” James asked once Peter was on top of him again, hands on either side of him.
“Wait, so, do I just…like lower myself down onto you?” Peter hesitated. He’d never done this before.
“Uhm, well, I mean…that’s kind of how it is, but if you’re not ready for that, I’ll help you, uh, open up a bit.” James’s hands are massaging his thighs, massaging into the skin. “Sorry if that sounds weird.”
”All of this is weird.” Peter laughed. “Not in a bad way, it’s just…I’ve never done anything like this before. I mean, you were my first.”
James smiled, leaning forward and kissing Peter. “We’ll go slow, alright? Please tell me if anything’s wrong, okay? Will you do that?”
Peter nodded.
“Can I do this?” James traced his fingers along the waistband of Peter’s boxers. Peter’s skin tingled under it. He shuddered. He could let James tease him all day if he wanted to. He’d let James do anything to him if he wanted to. He’d gladly let James worship him all fucking day if he wanted to, drawing him into the deep.
“Please,” Peter replied. “Please, James.”
”There you go,” James looked up, grinning at him. He slid his hand completely inside his boxers, exploring Peter’s pleasure points. Peter ground down onto James’s hand and let James feel for exactly what he wanted. “Are you ready for more?”
”I think so,” Peter said in a breathy voice. James inserted a finger inside of Peter, and then another. Peter’s head fell back, lost in pleasure. James fucked his fingers in and out, curling upwards.
He was rewarded by Peter’s moans and pleads for more. All of the noises Peter was making went straight to his dick, which was painfully constrained to the fabric of his underwear. He needed to feel Peter more, feel him like how he had when the two of them had first hooked up that one night. Feel more of Peter around him. He needed it. He needed more.
“Okay, let’s do this,” Peter said in a hoarse voice. He was breathless. He climbed off of James and pulled down his underwear, while James did the same. James opened the condom and slipped it on. Peter gulped. Was he really ready for this?
James must have noticed this because his eyes widened, and he said, “Is everything okay?”
”Yeah. Uhm. I want to do this, I’m just nervous. I’m gonna be fine though. It’s just me being dramatic,” Peter scratched the back of his neck. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, I’m great, I just had noticed you had a look on you face,” James said sheepishly. He scooted back, adjusting himself for Peter.
“Okay, I’m gonna, uhm…” Peter climbed on top of him again, trying to figure out how not to be awkward about things. How did James find this attractive? He was a red-cheeked, stumbling mess. He can’t even talk about sex while they’re in the act of it!
“Take your time, okay?” James said.
Peter nodded. He lifted his hips and lined himself up with James, slowly sinking down and taking James in him. James closed his eyes, letting a soft moan escape, his hands holding onto Peter’s hips as he helps him further down. Peter started moving his hips back and forth.
“Fuck, Peter, you look so beautiful right now. You don’t even know,” James said, breathless. “You’re doing so good. You’re so fucking hot, honey.”
The nickname sent Peter’s heart beating into a spiral. He leaned down to kiss James again, hands on his chest for support.
“Oh, fuck, please,” Peter whined out.
James’s fingers dig into Peter’s hips. They’re definitely going to leave a bruise later. It would be worth it, though, Peter thought as he kissed James’s neck, softly moaning against the skin. The vibrations from Peter’s voice sent shivers throughout James, and he bucked his hips up into Peter, a whimper escaping his mouth.
”Look. Look at yourself,” James panted out.
Peter pulled away, sitting back up. He looked straight ahead in the bathroom mirror.
Peter’s hair was tousled. His cheeks were dusted pink, his green eyes dark blown out with pleasure. His lips were red and swollen. He had faint marks covering his neck and shoulders. He saw the freckles and spots from spending time in the sunlight spilling from his shoulders to his arms and collarbone. He saw faint outline of his top surgery scars. He had James’s hands imprinted into his hips, holding on for dear life as Peter rides him.
He looked hot as fuck.
He smiled, not looking away from the figure staring back at him in the mirror. He continued moving his hips, letting James’s hands touch every part of his body. He was getting close, just watching himself. He could see the mirror Peter’s movements start getting messy.
“Fuck, oh my god, you look so perfect, baby, oh my god, Peter,” James was whimpering below him, his voice hoarse and desperate for Peter. He was drowning under Peter. He loved it. “Please, please. Peter. Peter.”
Peter felt the familiar buildup in his stomach. He was close to the edge. And by the looks of it, so was James. His thighs were shaking around Peter, and he wasn’t even trying to keep quiet. Peter was pretty sure the whole dorm could have heard them if he hadn’t put the silencing spell on.
“Oh, fuck, Peter,” James finally came undone, messily thrusting his hips into Peter. Peter came with a loud moan a second later, riding out his orgasm until James was writhing under him.
After he stopped moving, he looked at himself in the mirror again. He still looked as hot as before, cheeks still red and everything. Nothing had changed, except maybe now he could actually stand to look at himself naked. He pulled himself off of James and lay down beside him on the bed, arms draped over his chest. James pulled him in, kissing all over his face and mouth.
“You’re so pretty. You look so perfect right now,” James said in between kisses. Peter smiled. “So fucking gorgeous.”
”You know you don’t have to say that,” Peter replied.
“I know. I’m just telling the truth, though,” James kissed his lips. “You are pretty. I swear on my life.”
“You’re sweet.”
”You don’t have to flatter me, you’ve already got me in your bed,” James remarked. “Which makes you and me both pretty damn lucky, right?”
”I guess.” Peter closed his eyes, taking in the scent of James’s sweet perfume and the desire that still lingered in the room. They’d have to spell it away later before the others came back. “Can I say something weird?”
”What?” James perked up an eyebrow.
“I liked it when you called me honey.” Peter opened one eye, seeing the dorky smile on James’s face. James laughed and kissed his cheek and his lips.
“You did?” James laughed. “Honey.”
”Well, in the moment, it was nice! Okay, sue me!” Peter playfully pushed James, laying on his side. “God you’re so cheesy sometimes.”
”You know you love it though,” James tainted him.
”Whatever you say.”
They were facing each other. James grabbed his wand, and swished it in the air. The curtains around the bed shut. Sunlight was spilling through the cracks of the fabric where it didn’t close all the way, illuminating the two of them lazing in the dark red of the curtains. James traced his fingers from Peter’s ear to his lips and then back to his cheek, just softly touching all around his face. Peter closed his eyes again, breathing in James.
James was truly the only one he felt really safe around. The one he could be completely vulnerable in front of and not have to worry if he’d say anything to their friends. Peter knew his friends would never judge him for anything, but James was just the one he’d go to first if he was ever having any issue about himself.
James watched Peter as he lulled into sleep. He knew it was way too much early to admit, but he really did love Peter. He was used to telling his friends he loved them, but he hadn’t told Peter since before they got together for the first time because he didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t want to come on too strong or too fast. James couldn’t just have a mediocre love, he just had to always feel drowned in someone. He ached to tell Peter everything about how he was feeling, but he just knew it would be too soon.
And, god, Peter.
Peter was a goddamn work of art, and it completely broke James’s heart that he didn’t see it that way. That Peter didn’t see himself as bathed in the snowy moonlight and eyes full of the soft, green earth that James saw. He was beautiful in every way, from when he first woke up and his pajamas were all twisted and wrinkled, to now, hair tousled and breathing silently beside him.
His hair was messy, and James loved him.