telegraph ave [the only one i know is you]

Yes, James had called off work for the night. To spend time with Sirius. And yes, he was crushed, upset, hurt, all of the above. None of this stopped him from storming into the pub through crowds of uni students, greeted by a startled Remus and Mary, who was supposed to have been covering him. It was a Saturday night; they could probably use the extra help. Hell, he would’ve worked for free just for the distraction.

“Thought you were off tonight to…” Remus trailed off.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” James cut him off, impatient. “Mary, you can go home if you’d like, love.”

Puzzled, she ducked out from behind the bar, probably to go speak to Marlene.

While there were no new customers approaching, Remus crowded him into the corner, leading him with a gentle hand on his back. “Hey. Did something happen with Sirius?”

James let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in, sagging a little under Remus’ grip around his shoulders. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“James.”

“Look, I want to, but I can’t. I’ll fall apart. I just want to forget for a bit, alright?” He spoke his mumbled words directly into Remus’ ear, though no one would’ve heard him over the music anyway.

The two separated, taking orders and making drinks in mostly-silence, as routine dictated. Likely understanding James’ need for diversion, Remus laid it on a bit heavier with whispered jokes cracked at the expense of their customers. A little mean, but James hazarded a smile here and there. It was almost fine. James almost felt something similar to peace. Almost.

Of course, he should’ve known the night would’ve gone to shit regardless, the descent into madness set off by a nudge from Remus. It was around one in the morning, and the pub was packed, but James could’ve seen him a mile away – Sirius staggering in, all black and leather, long hair wild around his face.

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she walked into mine, et cetera,” said Remus shrewdly, his arms crossed as they both stared towards the front.

James was no longer in the mood for jokes. Sirius looked…well, gorgeous, as always, and very much already drunk. He took a seat at the bar, elbows on the counter, his face propped up in his black-polished hands.

“Hi, Jamie.” His smile was wide, like a kid’s. Like the way he always smiled in the dream. If he didn’t smell like wine and regret, James would think the look Sirius gave him was something loving, but he knew Sirius and his emotional drunkenness. It probably didn’t mean a thing. No more than it had all the other nights, anyway.

God, he really was so lovely, though. It was like looking directly into a blazing light for too long, and James turned, blinking furiously as he snatched at the taps. Remus looked on with wide eyes, mouth open as if he wanted to tell James something but thought better of it.  

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” James all but slammed a glass of water in front of Sirius. “Drink some water. Now.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Wanted to see you. And get some drinks.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be with…” The words soured in James’ throat. He couldn’t even say his name.

“Oh, no, that’s quite over.”

What. Alarm bells sounded in James’ head, and he could vaguely hear Remus saying, look, if you two need a minute…

“Sirius…what?” He stared, ignoring his admittedly well-meaning coworker.

“It’s over, James, over. I told him to fuck off. So you can drop it now. I know you hated him anyway.” Sirius drained the glass of water, sending it careening back across the bar. “I’ve come so I can admire your pretty face. Simple.”

James caught the glass before it could shatter, fumbling. His mind didn’t even allow him to dwell on the compliment, which usually would have secretly flustered him. All that mattered was that Sirius was only there because his boyfriend had left. Before he knew it, the words were spilling out. “So that’s it, then? You couldn’t spend time with me tonight, even though I called off my bloody shift, but now that you’ve broken up with that fucking wankstain you want to see me?”

“James,” Remus warned, hand at his arm again.

Sirius’ eyes widened, lips slightly parted. Whatever he was expecting, it clearly wasn’t that. Say something, James wanted to plead, but he just sat there staring. He had the deranged thought that he would’ve loved to kiss Sirius right then and there; to reach across the bar, card his fingers through his windswept hair, and kiss his open mouth.

Dazed and devastated, he turned away, suddenly needing to catch his breath.

“Are you alright?” Remus was at his side again.

James shook his head, more of a refusal to answer than a ‘no’. “Just look after him, alright? Don’t let him drink more. Or, go easy on his drinks, I don’t know. And don’t let him go anywhere. I’m finishing this shift if it kills me.” He moved over to the opposite end of the bar, as far from Sirius’ seat as possible.

Eventually, people started filtering out, and Remus announced the last call, thirty minutes before close. Sirius was still at the bar where James had left him, face sullen as he stirred his sparkling water with a tiny plastic straw. He considered calling him a taxi, but he didn’t know if he trusted Sirius to be left alone at the moment.

“Look, why don’t you go ahead?” Remus asked as if to read his mind, his voice low. “You need to get Sirius home before he passes out. Marlene and I can close up.”

James squeezed his arm in return, nodding his agreement.

The drive back to the flat was silent, with the exception of Sirius fiddling with the car radio, settling on a channel playing a tinny Rolling Stones song. When they got home, Sirius insisted on a cigarette before they went up, which James begrudgingly agreed to.

He was inexplicably reminded of countless past nights from years ago. Sneaking out to smoke cheap cigarettes and drink even cheaper beer, walking home laughing, clutching at each other as they stumbled along on moonlit streets. Taking detours to hop the gate over at the public garden, sprawling out on benches. Back when it wasn't such a serious thing to have a little crush on his best mate - maybe because he wasn't even aware of it. 

Regret set in once he saw Sirius’ face, angelic under a streetlamp, smoke drifting from his lips. It would take less than three seconds for him to agree to anything Sirius said in that moment, James decided, feeling weak.

“I’m sorry for ruining today,” Sirius mumbled. He was relatively sobered up, James could see it in his eyes; dark grey and half-lidded with exhaustion.

“It’s alright,” James responded automatically. See, exactly. He knew himself.

“No, it’s not alright. I’m awful.”

“You’re not.”

“I love you. You do know that, right?”

“I know,” James said, ignoring the ache in his chest. He knew, of course he did. It just never meant the same thing for the two of them. “I love you too.”

They both stubbed their cigarettes out, but Sirius made no moves to head towards the stairwell. It would’ve been so easy to kiss him, he thought again. Inches between them, though it felt like miles emotionally. Sirius looking at him like he was the only person in the world. He refused to be so foolish as to think it meant something.

Except, it did. It must have. Because suddenly Sirius’ hands were at his jaw, holding his face between his cold hands. All too aware of Sirius’ eyes on his mouth, James froze, and it was only seconds until their lips collided.

He wasn’t even sure who leaned in first, really. All he knew was that Sirius was kissing him, hard, furiously, like it was the end of the world. He was stupid, he was foolish, but he couldn’t help but to melt into it, clutching handfuls of Sirius’ coat. Years of holding back and for a moment it all disappeared, nothing on his mind but the taste of Sirius’ mouth, hot and tinged with wine.

But he was foolish, he really was. Only Sirius Black could make him act so reckless. The reality of the situation caught up to him, and he pulled away with a gasp, taking a wobbly step back. Sirius had left his boyfriend, and James happened to be there. Happened to be available, tragically available, a warm body to hold and to kiss. Horrified, he watched Sirius lean against the streetlamp, his chest heaving up and down.

“James, I’m – fuck. Did I misread that?”

He wanted to kiss him again, he wanted to curse him to hell and back, he wanted to cry, he wanted to laugh. All he could really think to do, though, was to leave, turning his back and dashing up the stairs.