I Want It Back

It was hot and dry and sunny on the platform and Narcissa couldn’t wait to say goodbye. Under the shade of the Muggle covering, hot steam adding to the heat of the day, her family stood rigid around her. Straightbacked and flinty-eyed, united against the world.

The first day of her fifth year, her first day as prefect, Sirius’ first day at Hogwarts. New beginnings. The sun was shining and the patches of sky that peeked through the steam were royal blue.

Over the shrieks of children racing to family and loud farewells, Narcissa fancied she could almost hear a bird singing, far off in a flock that pinwheeled and flung itself through the vast expanse. She could almost hear the flowers grow, far away somewhere.

But on the platform, Reggie fidgeted and Sirius scowled. Her sister stood behind her shoulder, a sharp gaze piercing through any family that dared to stare too long. The Rosiers, the Averys. Bellatrix had always reminded her of a mountain, standing strong against any threat that dared to harm her younger sisters – sister.

Or maybe a tempest that scared off any would-be sailor from coming close, and wreaked divine havoc against any mortal that dared to impose.

It had been hard getting her to accept Lucius – although Bella was all for the concept of the marriage, the standing, the prestige. The man himself? Not so much. Narcissa didn’t think she thought anyone would be good enough for her sister. Or maybe didn’t think anyone would be good enough for a Black.

Narcissa let out a silent breath, long and slow. It wasn’t even as if they were getting engaged immediately. And it wasn’t as if it was someone like Rodolphus: with that as an example for a fiancé or husband, or course Bella might be a bit disapproving. But Lucius was different. He was attractive, attentive, and courteous. He sent her letters filled with beautiful cursive and gorgeous compliments.

He sent her a letter after the incident saying he wouldn’t think worse of her. He said there was always a black sheep in any family, so to speak. Said that she could only be so lucky that she was marrying into his family soon.

Narcissa forgave him the pun as she forgave him the comment, and replied in timid appreciation. She put that letter at the bottom of her pile though. She didn’t tell her parents she had got it.

Bella promised that if Lucius ever hurt her, or strayed, or even smiled at another woman, she’d crucio him. Narcissa believed her when she said it, and when she said it again, and when she said it everytime Narcissa got a letter.

I’ve only got one sister, Bella said. I’ve got to protect her.

But now they stood on the platform - Orion, Walburga, Regulus, Sirius, Alphard, Cygnus, Druella, Bellatrix - whilst Reggie sweated under the heat. Everyone in formation. Sirius glowered through his eyebrows as his mother lectured him, contorting them into every possible position under sun.

Narcissa gave him a glare. The scowl turned to a brief smile before he returned to his previous pastime.

“Sirius, we have gone over the rules before today. I should hope you do not need a reminder. Your cousin will be there to guide you, and provide assistance. If you need anything, go to her.”

“Go to Cissy, run to Cissy – fine. Can’t wait…” Sirius scowled at his mother.

If Narcissa had thought any of her family would bring them to disgrace, she would’ve placed her bet on Sirius. And yet.

“The Avery and Mulciber sons will be entering this year. Whatever disputes you have had with them will pass as soon as you walk into Slytherin –”

Aunt Walburga seemed to have glossed over Sirius's insolence.

“And you will find a home away from home. Professor Slughorn has had every Black in recent generations in his House. You will find him helpful.”

Reggie was still fidgeting, turning red. Black velvet on the first day of September really wasn’t a good choice.

Sirius just glowered more, eyebrows creasing as thunder crossed his forehead. He opened his mouth to respond.

Narcissa glared – again.

She couldn’t wait to get on the train.

The whistle blew, signalling half an hour before departure. Crowds bustled. A red haired mudblood stood crying, half bloods and blood traitors alike hugging parents goodbye and weeping over siblings. Not them.

Tall and proud and stone faced. Ready to face the world. Toujours pur.

With a nod from her parents and a smile from Bellatrix, Narcissa picked up her hand luggage as genteelly as possible, beckoning Sirius with a tilt of her head. He followed her slowly, glumly picking up their trunks.

At the train door Narcissa looked back. Walburga gripped Regulus, fingers tight on his shoulder. He almost seemed to be crying.

“Come on, Sirius. No looking back. You can sit with me until the train leaves.”

***

Outside the gleaming glass, grey houses passed in a rush of brown and brick. Narcissa would never slouch against the glass, or lean her head to watch the landscape, or let the thrum of the steam engine rock through her skull and numb her mind. Ever. But even sitting still in the peace of an empty carriage was enough.

Almost empty, at least.

“Narcissa … I’m bored…”

Sirius’ whine rose up from the brown leather of the opposite berth.

“You said I could find Rosier and Avery when the train had departed … why won’t you let me leave?”

He ended on a woeful plea, that almost evoked the cry of a mother finding out her only child has been sent to prison, or brutally tortured, or died. Sprawled over the leather, hand flung against his forehead, he was the image of grief.

“Because you’d set the train on fire after a single second unsupervised – you will wait here with me until my friends arrive, and then I will escort you to your friends.”

Sirius whacked his head against the table. Shocked, his eyes appeared, wide, over the edge.

“What? That wasn’t the deal, Cissy, that wasn’t the deal at all!”

“Don’t call me Cissy.”

“I apologise, my esteemed elder cousin Narcissa. Let me rephrase my most plaintive request for help. Please allow me to investigate my comrades for my journey with the freedom that I believe my position affords. Please regard our initial deal with the utmost sincerity and fidelity. Please set me free.”

His eyes glistened with tears, and a halo shone around his hair.

“No.”

“Ow!”

He had whacked his head against the table again in grief.

“Sirius, please. You don’t even refer to Rosier and Avery by their first names. Do you think I would believe you would go straight to them? No. You will be spending the next seven years in the same room as them and I would advise you to make friends fast.”

Sirius stared at Narcissa, unblinking. He seemed to be on the verge of speaking, words frozen, caught at the edge of his throat. He swallowed them back down.

Narcissa slowly looked away. Urban homes had switched to green pastures in the last few minutes. Her friends would be arriving soon - Sharina, Isabella, and Artemis. They usually sat with any siblings or close cousins at Hogwarts before finding Narcissa.

“If you need to say anything, then say it now.”

She stared back at her little cousin.

“Narcissa ... what would you do if I wasn’t sorted into Slytherin? Or Reggie – or even if you hadn’t been.”

The words had torn free and peered out of his eyes, calling for answers. In the clench of his strained hands, white against the table, they begged to be heard.

She almost couldn’t help but answer, as memories flooded back.

The long tables on either side were crammed with older students in black robes, coloured with red, green, blue, yellow. The sky overhead faded into nothing, speckled with glowing stars and reaching down to the grey-eyed girl below. Trenching up to the stool - the hat, motheaten and old - a hundred children huddled together. The girl with brown eyes and curly hair pushed close, body against body.

They shared a smile, tentative and nervous. Narcissa’s other friends - gentle Shafiq, lively Artemis, brave Isabella - were further back in the bristling line.

“What do you think you’ll get?” The other girl whispered. Her bottom incisors were missing.

“Slytherin - you?” Narcissa whispered back. The clamour of the students around them sheltered the words that stretched between them. Everything else felt worlds apart.

“I don’t know much about them but Ravenclaw sounded cool - and blue’s totally my colour.”

Narcissa giggled.

A hush fell upon the room as a stern, grey haired lady got up to speak. Narcissa straightened her back, looking up at her. Almost immediately, the lady - Professor Mcgonnagal - started to call out names. An Abbot first - to Hufflepuff - then an Avery to Slytherin.

“Black, Narcissa!”

Each step to the hat felt momentous, every eye in the room watching her as she walked to the hat. As she walked to her family – she didn’t look back, but she felt Bellatrix and –

“I would never have been sorted anywhere else. And you won’t be either. You are prideful, and stubborn, and you get what you want, and you are one of the most Slytherin people in this family, Sirius.”

Narcissa leant forward, gripping his hands and staring intently into matching grey eyes.

“Everyone in this family is a Slytherin and you will be too. You’ll be in a house with me, and everyone you know, and everything will be okay. Regulus will join next year too, and Aunt Walburga will be right. A home away from home.”

Grey eyes shuttered.

“Right. Wonderful.”

A knock on the door signalled Sharina, smiling as she walked in.

Sirius stood up to make space, grabbed his bags, and nodded once before leaving.

Narcissa didn’t try to get up.

“What’s that whirlwind going to do?”

Sharina looked after the boy with fond amusement.

“I can’t wait to have him in Slytherin.”

She laughed.

“It’ll definitely shake things up.”

Narcissa smiled, politely.

Outside the sun shone bright.

***

“No but girls, did you see what Akehurst was wearing over the summer?”

The six hour train journey of non-stop gossiping hadn’t ended at Hogsmeade. The further north they’d gone, the windier and rainier it had become until a storm blossomed over the sky and sent branches flying, trees almost splitting in half under the wind's blows. A nifty charm of Artemis’ had protected the 5th year Slytherins from the worst of it in their carriage, as they caught Narcissa up on what she missed.

The prefect meeting had started halfway through the journey, lasted an hour, and then Narcissa had been saddled with the Train Duty. In other words, walking up and down the train for two hours. Lucius had tried to get the Duty as well, smiling patronising at Rabastan whilst mentioning how he could offer his time. Lucinda Dattin - the new Head Girl, a pureblood Hufflepuff - stepped in at that point.

Narcissa could have kissed her. What that girl had against Lucius, she didn’t know, but after three hours of social jibes and sniping comments, she needed a rest from people. Besides, whilst the monotony of the Duty might seem boring to others, quietly observing students before school attitudes kicked in was invaluable.

Just because she wasn’t constantly talking about things, doesn’t mean she didn’t know them.

Walking down the blue carpeted floor, long blonde hair gleaming, a thousand microcosms of teenage life assaulted Narcissa. Two Hufflepuff third years were arguing in one compartment, as their friends watched anxiously. Some firsties were chattering away in another compartment – mudbloods, Narcissa sighed – whilst a few seventh years were finishing summer homework.

Down the long train that chattered and whistled and down the hallway with each glimpse of life held temporarily up to inspection. For the most part, it was nothing like what Narcissa knew. Sure, her friends and her laughed, gossiped, stressed over homework and acted like children. But compared to this – they were basically saints. They were basically adults.

They had family to represent – a legacy. They upheld the image and reputation of their family – perfect daughters. These children barely thought a year into the future, protected by their relative insignificance.

Patrick Rakepick - twin to the similarly named Patricia Rakepick - was interrupted whilst snogging Constance Farner, the half-blood whose father worked in the Department of Education.

Anthony Travers was sent back to his compartment after being found trying to climb the bathroom walls, with stern words about letters to mothers.

Esme Ickleson was hexing Donald Macrae – only 10 points off because Macrae was awful – and Grace Taylor was screaming something about Olivia Rind’s boyfriend, Gideon Prewett – Narcissa was sure he wasn’t to blame although she did hear things – and a compartment with closed blinds and a locked door was making the most awful racket –

“Sirius!”

Her cousin looked up at her with dismay from where he sat, sprawled indecorously over two other boys. He made a play of getting up to greet her, swinging his arms and pushing himself up ineffectively.

“Narcissa! I didn’t realise you were on patrol! I was just looking for you – I couldn’t find Mulciber or Avery anywhere –”

“Sirius, don’t lie to me.”

The redhead Narcissa had seen on the platform was sitting there too, stiff and scowling.

“I can’t imagine you were looking for them anymore than I could imagine you wanting to leave this compartment.”

Sirius stopped struggling up from his reclined position, and stared up at her. A thousand calculations crossed his mind in a second, brow creasing.

And he said he wouldn’t be in Slytherin.

“Well?” She prodded.

A spark finally went off in his brain.

“Oh! This is James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, and Lily Evans. We’ve all just met.”

He turned to his friends and bowed grandiosely, flicking his hand.

“And this, dearest friends, is my dearest cousin, Narcissa Black.”

Two purebloods, two half-bloods, and a mudblood. What an eclectic sort for the Heir of House Black to surround himself with.

Sirius wasn’t ignorant of her thoughts. His smile grew more forced and his eyes more desperate. He’d never been so comfortable around their usual social circle, to be sure, but that didn’t mean… that didn’t need to mean anything.

The boy Sirius was leaning on looked up at her. A scar peaked out of his collar and he had purple bags under his eyes. He seemed scared.

It was raining and dark clouds bloomed, obscuring the pallid light of the moon that cast the grass in a silver glow and painted the lake with reflections which sunk down and swirled. Bella had said the first sight of Hogwards from the boats was one to be treasured forever. Narcissa didn’t even want to blink.

She had lost her friends when she left the train – Bella had deposited her with the other girls her age in the beginning of the journey – and the tide of a hundred excited children pulled her to the shore. Boats bobbed by the edge.

Bodies pushed at her back and – despite looking around and searching for Isa – she found herself clambering indecorously into the closest boat. A girl was sitting there, dimpled grin shining bright. Her hair curled around her ears and grazed the top of her neck.

“Aren’t you excited?”

There was no risk. There was no threat. Sirius could play with these boys for now. He would still arrive safe in the Slytherin common room tonight.

“Remember your duty, Sirius.” Narcissa smiled. “And play nice.”

She swung her sheet of dyed blonde hair as she turned to leave. The window’s reflection told her she had done it exactly right as she put one foot in front of the other, and left her cousin to his friends, patrolling down the train for the next three hours.

But now Hogwarts grew closer and closer as they rode up to the entrance, Sharina still lambasting Akehurst for her folly in wearing pink and bronze.

“I mean, come on. Even she should realise how ugly that looks.”

Artemis gave Sharina an unimpressed look.

“Sharina, I realise it was ugly but this is the third time in the last ten minutes you’ve mentioned it. Can we move on? We still haven’t gotten to the best part.”

Sharina stared back at her friend incredulously, shrugging her cloak closer around her shoulders.

“Um, Artemis? It was my sister’s wedding and she decided to show up looking like a discount floor-rug from a charity shop –”

“Well, why was she invited?” Isabella rolled her eyes, “Her only claim to fame is –”

“My brother-in-law is her cousin, he invited her –”

“Sharina, we’re all cousins.”

All the girls were looking at Sharina now. Narcissa patted her hand gently.

“Akehurst was invited because her mother works at the Department of Mysteries after her father’s death, and of course her father was the first cousin of Ahmad, but on the lesser side of the family. Ahmad is trying to get Akehurst’s mother married instead of working because his cousin Mary-Anne wants the job.”

Sharina pursed her lips, brow furrowed.

“I don’t think her mum’s doing a very good job of getting married, then.”

“Oh!”

Artemis started clapping her hands, grinning excitedly, with a gleam in her eye that reminded Narcissa uncomfortably of her mother before a ball.

“Congratulations, Narcissa! We barely had time to say it earlier, what with everything –”

Narcissa mentally rolled her eyes. ‘Everything’ was Artemis’ story about her holiday in Scotland and all her relatives there. A story about Scotland as they travelled to Scotland. How fascinating.

“ – but Lucius and you! Tell us all!”

Narcissa stared, dead eyed, then blushed prettily, drawing her hood closer over her head.

“Now, Artemis! It isn’t like this hasn’t been planned since we were five!”

The rush of the rain poured onwards, breaking over their heads and rolling to the side. They talked about the impending engagement – which was long overdue – and the future fiancé – who was just too chivalrous — and when they might marry – after Seventh year, of course – andthey rehashed the same topics they’d only broached before at night.

Artemis sighed.

“You’re so lucky. You’ve really caught the best man around at the moment.”

She flung herself backwards, slouching despondently.

“I can only go for men without a title, and they all seem to be so passé at the moment.”

Isabella snorted out loud at that; the topic of Artemis’ future husband had always been unmentionable. The only real possibility was Joshua Selwyn, a second cousin five years her junior. He was joining Hogwarts this year along with Sirius, and Narcissa was not looking forward to it at all. She could already imagine the next three years of Hogwarts, filled with Sirius complaining about his housemates, Artemis asking how Joshua was acting, and exams.

At least nobody had gone near that subject. The most she’d had so far was stares, and those were quickly dealt with.

“How is Sirius finding this? I can’t imagine he’d be that excited.”

Sharina leaned towards Narcissa, kohl rimmed eyes dancing. She’d always been fond of Sirius: found his wicked ways charming instead of disgraceful and his attitude amusing instead rude.

“Oh, he’s positively vibrating with joy. He can’t wait to arrive and be with our family in Slytherin, along with Mulciber and Avery.”

Sharina laughed.

“I can imagine. Well, he’ll have all of us when he arrives so I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Artemis snickered.

“Are you? Come on Sharina, he’s more like a Gryffindor than a Slytherin any day.”

She turned to Narcissa, an earnest look barely hiding the glee on her face.

“I really hope he’s Sorted correctly, for your sake. I don’t know if your family could take another … incident.”

The carriage rocked to a halt by the steps of Hogwarts. Artemis watched her, steadily, eye never wavering off Narcissa’s face. Under the weeping canopy, droplets bouncing from trees and plummeting from clouds, never quite touching the Slytherin girls, Narcissa widened her eyes and smiled, and creased her brows upwards in a touched look of grace.

“Oh, Artemis! Your concern is just too touching … Sirius knows his duty, just like we all do. At the very least, if he’s Sorted elsewhere, at least he’ll have Selwyn too. What friends they could become! And then we’d be just like family too, Parkinson.”

The door to the carriage opened. Lucius stood there, perfectly dry, waiting for Narcissa with a smile on his face. She took his arm and walked in. The others followed.

***

As usual, Lucius left her at the entrance to the Main Hall. They didn’t sit together, they never had, and Slytherin hierarchy meant that the coveted seats closest to the doors wouldn’t be Narcissa’s for years. Instead, she led her friends to an area a third of the way from the doors, and sat with her back to the wall. The Hall was crammed with teenagers, every seat filled by jostling children catching up with friends and sharing stories.

With the same steely poise ingrained in her from childhood, Narcissa surveyed the room, noting the friendships and breakups that she hadn’t gleaned from the train. It was all very interesting, observing their lives. She wondered sometimes what they were like. Interesting, maybe. Not vital.

Isabella sank against Narcissa, her coily hair tightly braided back. Heir to the Zabini Family, with all her relatives in Italy, she swanned around school with the untouchable freedom of somebody who knew whatever happened, she would come out on top. Artemis was the same way. Although her family was close enough to watch what she did, and treat her accordingly, the guts being Heir gave her set her apart.

None of that mattered though.

None of them were Blacks.

None of them were engaged to a Malfoy.

None of them were better.

Ask anyone. Sure, Isa might win based on pure appeal, her enthralling nature engaging everyone, and Artemis might gain looks of delight with her bold antics, and yes, objectively they might –

She flattened her fingers out again.

Isabella lifted her head from Narcissa's shoulder, looking at her searchingly. Narcissa smiled.

The Hat’s song passed with them in silence – reminding them of their house traits, their school loyalties, of the kinship of wixen – before the Sorting started.

The sun had set by now and the storm had gentled to a strong breeze that scattered shadows through the window. Inside, fires danced every two metres down the hall, floating from the ceiling and writhing up the walls. The cold outside still featured on some people’s cheeks, flushed with a rosy glow. The start of a new school year.

It seemed like everything that had happened over the summer was washed away. In Hogwarts, only Hogwarts mattered. Bella, Mother, Father, Regulus – every reminder of home seemed less important. It was time to study, and learn, and become what she would be. What every wixen was made at Hogwarts.

An adult.

First Years stumbled out from the doors, lined up one by one to be Sorted. Sirius was there, separated from his friends from the train. Good. He’d be one of the first to be sorted.

Names started to be called out, as flashing galleons appeared. The bet on which house would have the first Sorting always had high stakes; Narcissa knew that in some other houses, a half-blood or mudblood could gain a year's allowance from betting right.

“Avery!” was the first to Slytherin that year, to no one’s surprise. Children trickled by to the other houses until Sirius was almost at the front.

He stood, confident, small, staring. He didn’t look over. If Narcissa, right then, right there, could have stood up and strode over and took his hand or maybe his place, she would’ve.

The wind was picking up outside and the low murmur that filled the room with thrumming sound silenced.

The Hat went over his head.

In the years of being his cousin, Narcissa had learnt to read him like an open book. Despite all the circumstances, Sirius had never caught the hang of closing himself off and only revealing what was necessary. It was what got him in trouble so often. The pull of his lip when he thought something rude, the squint to his eye when he’d thought of a prank. Even the mournful innocence he tried to trot out was far too obvious. And now, Narcissa could tell he was scared.

But so was she. At the front of the room, watching everyone, Narcissa could see him tense, mulish, belligerent, scared. She could see him stubborn. And she could see him get up and walk.

Not to Slytherin.

When Narcissa was younger, her parents had taken her and her sisters to a ball. Sitting by her mother, as Bella and Andie danced, she’d heard her mother talking, hushed, to Lady Greengrass. She’d heard something they didn’t want her to.

It was that feeling which she felt now: that feeling of missing a step as you walk up the stairs at night, reorienting yourself as to what the world has always really been in the half-formed shadows of the hallway.

It was discovering something that maybe she knew already.

The Hall was silent still. Each footstep rang like a bell chiming twelve. Wide eyed gazes switched from Black to Black and murmurs rose like a choir.

Isabella let out a low whistle.

Every pinprick of light that flew in the Hall and climbed on the walls, calling down from the faded moonrays outside, grew to the size of the sun in Narcissa’s eyes. The edges of her vision blacked. Sirius, in Gryffindor.

“Well, Narcissa.” Artemis spun her knife through her fingers, silver glinting. “Isn’t this just what you said wouldn’t happen?”