Marlboro Nights

Lily Evans was blasting ABBA loudly in hers and Alice’s room. Evans definitely won a lottery with Fortescue, the girl was happily humming along and sitting cross legged on the floor while Lily twirled around the room with a hairbrush for a microphone, her straight long amber hair flying. She felt a surge of happiness for bonding with Alice so quickly and wanted to introduce her to Mary and Marlene as soon as possible. As the final notes of “Waterloo” were fading away James walked into the room.

“I knocked a few times but you didn’t open the door”, he said apologetically. “Hello, I’m James Potter”, he offered his hand for a handshake to Alice. She got up from the floor accepting the handshake with a soft smile.

“James!”, Lily felt almost ecstatic as she jumped to hug her boyfriend after turning the music off. “How’s unpacking?”, she stayed next to him, hands over his shoulders with an adoring smile.

“Done”, Evan noticed that something was greatly off. James never answered with just words, he loved to lead the conversation.

“Everything’s okay”, Lily said quietly.

“Yep…”, James said without his usual grinning smile, just a line that goes upwards at the corners of his mouth. A fake smile.

“Do you guys need a second?”, Alice asked awkwardly.

“No. I’m just under the weather”, James looked at Fortescue with a sorry clearly written in his expression. “My roommate was quite annoyed at me but we’re good now. Then Sirius and Peter had a fight”, he sighed. “I’m just tired”

“Come here, James”, Evans hugged her boyfriend tighter. “Me and Alice were just listening to ABBA”

“I heard from the hallway”

“Marlene will drop by soon”, Lily squeezed again and this time James smiled naturally. Grinning.

James Potter and Marlene McKinnon were good childhood friends. James and Peter were friends since they could crawl but James met Marlene in kindergarten. They got into a fight with some bullies because James stood up for Peter and Marlene always ended up doing the right thing. Lily met James through Marlene, well got to know him better and fell in love. After her terrible fight with Snape, she really thought that Lily Evans and men were no more in any shape or form but Marlene begged her to give James a chance. And look where they were now.

“I need to show Marls my room”, and just like that James’s mood changed for the better. “Anyways, another ABBA fan? I see you”, the black haired young man turned to Alice.

“Some of us need to have good music taste”, she chuckled. Alice was a short woman with a brown pixie cut. When she smiled people could see her tooth gap. Her face was full of freckles, especially around her nose. Alice had bright blue eyes that now were shyly avoiding James’s hazel once. A knock at the door and Marlene herself entered the room. Another girl followed behind, Mary Macdonald. The valkyries were all in one room now, the nickname Marls came up with for the girls after she got tired of hearing “the girls” from everyone around her.

“Prongs!”, and now Marlene was hanging onto James. Mary gave him a quick kiss on the cheek too.

“Marls, Mary, you have to meet Alice Fortescue”, and like that everyone’s attention was on Alice. She was rubbing her hand up and down, clearly not being an extremely social person.

“I love your hair!”, and like that the compliments started. Marlene almost climbed the walls of Alice’s part of the room to check the posters and pictures she hung up. Mary was looking at Alice’s clothes and fell in love with her strawberry earrings. Potter decided to join in with Marls on study of what Ms. Fortescue liked, the Mamma Mia poster she hung up made him almost go feral. However all the fun was soon disturbed by the knock on the door. An older woman walked in through the door, the dean of students. Minerva McGonagal had a certain elegance and authority to her. Her attire was a tailored suit that was a deep green color paired with a white blouse. Her silver hair neatly styled in a bun, highlighting her sharp features. In a way the woman looked like a hawk right now at James, she had her pointy left brow raised high.

“Mr. Potter, this is the lady’s dormitory”, she observed everyone in the room. “I’m afraid it’s time for everyone to head back to their quarters. Ms. McKinnon, Ms. Macdonald”, McGonagal pointed to the exit with her head. The girls quickly said goodbyes to each other before running off. “Mr. Potter, why are you still standing there?”, she sounded slightly annoyed so James nodded and quickly went out of the room.

“Can I walk James to his dorm? Me and him have to talk. Quickly”, Lily begged.

“Alright but only down the stairs. It’s getting dark and I wouldn’t want you, Ms. Evans, to be outside alone”, the dean’s eyes softened. “Hurry!”, and just like that Lily and James run off.

When they were finally on the staircase Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him to stop walking. “James, what actually happened?”, James was trying hard to avoid her green eyes that always managed to see right through him.

“I bumped into a guy and I thought…”, Potter was staring hard at his red Converse. He bit his lip nervously and finally met Lily’s gaze. “I thought he looked pretty”, he spoke the last part quickly

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with thinking that”, Evans chuckled. She always made James feel like nothing in the world mattered but the two of them, that all of his issues were so easy to deal with if he had Lily Evans by his side.

“But I love you! I shouldn’t be thinking about some… Some guy!”, James’s nose wrinkled and his brows drew together.

“Did you make out with him?”, she sighed.

“NO! Of course not!”, Prongs’s face became red, his eyes again hiding away from Lily’s.

“Then you did nothing wrong, love”, she carefully cupped his face with her right hand, still holding his hand with her left, their fingers now entangled. “I feel like there’s something… more to this”

They stood in the staircase for another minute in silence, Potter was nervously biting the inside of his cheek. “But I don’t like guys. I’m with you and I never thought of a guy like… Like that”, Lily sighed and let go of James’s face.

“Have you ever thought that you might be bisexual, James?”, and just like that James Potter’s world seemed to stop moving for a second. He didn’t know what to say even though his obvious no should have come out instantly out of his mouth… At least that was what he thought would happen if anyone asked him. He had few guys in the past flirt with him and he always gently and politely told them that no. But now he couldn’t say the same thing to his girlfriend? What was wrong with him? “Love, focus on your breathing”, he didn’t even realize how he was breathing fast. In and out, in and out. “James, look at me”, Lily’s hands on his face when he felt like he didn’t deserve her to touch him at all. “It’s okay. You can tell me anything”, she sounded so calm. How can she be calm?

“I-I have to go… I r-really have to go, Lils”, he mumbled, taking a step back out of her reach. “And of course I’m not… It wasn’t like that”, he sounded defensive now, even offended.

Lily simply shook her head. “We can talk about it when you’re ready”. James truly hoped they would simply forget about this. He was in love with Lily and this was all that mattered. Whoever that Reggie boy was.

In the quiet darkness of the night Remus was woken up by some background noise. He eyes adjusted to the darkness and his mind fully woke up to realize that he heard James tossing and turning in his bed, muffled noises coming from the man, something that sounded close enough to very uneven breaths and maybe crying. Lupin laid in bed pretending to be asleep. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help his roommate but mostly Remus was simply shit at being a therapist or any kind of comfort to people around him. He often said all the wrong things or was way too honest at times… He already managed to tell the poor young man that he was way too talkative which certainly would hurt someone like James Potter.

Remus turned around to face his wall in hopes of drifting back to sleep but the sounds only got worse. Now he was sure that his roommate was actually crying, trying his best to stop the sounds from escaping his mouth and waking up Lupin. Feeling quite quilty he turned around and got up to lay on his elbows. “James…”, the sounds stopped. Now the room was full of the sounds of shaky breaths. “James, what’s wrong?”, he tried his best to sound smooth and soothing.

“I don’t know who I am very well”, the other young man mumbled with a shaky voice. “I-I’m sorry for waking you up… I know you prefer peace and quiet… I’m a shitty roommate”, even though Potter was chuckling and it was a very disturbed chuckle and clear attempt to humor Remus instead of him finding out the real issue. “And a shitty boyfriend”

“What happened?”, Lupin’s brow furrowed. He was met with a long silence and no movement coming from the other bed.

“How do I know if I’m… bi? If I might like men?”

“Oh, boy…”, Remus didn’t mean for the words to come out but they didn’t. He wanted to hit himself hard in the face at that moment.

“I’m sorry-”, he could hear James turn to face the wall and away.

“No, James, it’s not like that!”, now all the calmness was gone from Lupin’s voice. He sighed and took a second to organize his thorough process and calm himself. “I know very well the question…”, this seemed to make Potter turn back. Remus bit his lip not knowing if it would be a good or terrible idea to say it. “I’m gay”

“Oh”, James spoke quietly. “You are?”, his voice tingled with vulnerability.

“Discovering yourself can be overwhelming. I know that very well”, the was sadness in his voice and a story that only belonged to Remus. “But it doesn’t change much. I might be gay but I’m still a shitty annoying and boring roommate first”, James chuckled at the joke.

“I’m just scared… I have a girlfriend, Lily, she asked me if I’m bi”, he whispered. “Will she break things up with me if I am?”

“Bisexual means you’re still attracted to women”, Remus shrugged. “She shouldn’t have a problem with that. You still like her?”

“I love her… I think”

“I think?”

“Thanks, Remus”, and like that it seemed that the conversation was settled for the night. He never thought that he would come out to his roommate, at leats definitely not to support him with his own internal struggles. “Good night”, Potter yawned.

“Night”, and like that it seemed that James truly fell asleep. Now it was Remus’s turn to toss and turn. He always had a terrible time falling asleep especially after being woken up in the middle of the night. He turned and tossed for some time before deciding to sneak out for a smoke. He grabbed a sweater and threw on a pair of jeans to not freeze outside, James seemed to even slip through Remus tripping on the jeans and falling… Maybe he was just too emotionally exhausted with his dilemma? Lupin tiptoed down the hallway in his old dark blue converse that had holes in them on the sides. He wore them almost non stop since the start of high school and was not about to change that now. A quick trip down the stairs and Remus could breath in the cold night air. There was a red bench next to some bushes were he decided to quickly go for a cig before heading back to his room.

The moon was casting a gentle glow on the campus. Remus really enjoyed the calmness of the night and honestly sometimes preferred to stay like this in the darkness, all alone. He pulled out a pack of Winston and his black lighter. As he lit the cig and took a drag the anxiety after such a heartfelt conversation with James seemed to slowly drift away. However soon Remus was broken out of peace by noises coming from the entrance to the staircase. A boy walked out of the building, long black hair, average height, he probably was a head shorter than Lupin, however the stranger had a lean body. The man was clinging onto his leather jacket that was hiding him from the cold night air. Soon Remus’s hazel eyes and boy’s gray worries once met. The stranger had a troubled expression on his face.

“Can’t sleep either?”, Remus’s voice was husky from the lack of sleep. The stranger walked over slowly and sat down next to him on the red bench. Remus hasn’t seen a boy with such animalistic grace. He carried himself with such confidence, his worried look was gone instantly after he focused all of his attention on Lupin, hiding all his weaknesses. There was a kind of free fluidity to his motion that captured Remus to watch his every step towards the bench. Instead of speaking the stranger simply nodded after gracefully half-falling onto the bench. “Want one?”, Remus offered after licking his lips.

“Thanks”, the black haired young man took an offered cigarette. He put it in his mouth and looked at Remus clearly waiting for him to lit it for him. Lupin grinned at that, lighting the cig without breaking eye contact with his mysterious troubled companion for the night. For a while they both smoked in silence, Remus didn’t want to ask or bother him too much and the stranger seemed to be lost deep in his thoughts.

“Nightmares”, after a while the gray eyed man broke the silence. “I had a nightmare. You?”

“I usually have trouble sleeping without the nightmares”, Remus shrugged. “What was the nightmare about?”

“Things”, the stranger didn’t give much with that answer and Remus hummed as a response. “But why did you have trouble sleeping specifically tonight?”

“Also things”, Lupin grinned.

“Not fair”, the other man grimaced. “Alright simpler… What woke you up?”

“My roommate”

“How?”

“My turn to ask a question”, as they talked both men moved closer towards each other. The stranger’s face now was much sharper, a mischief in his eyes instead of worry. “What are the things?”

“Things from the past”, the man put his legs up onto the bench, holding onto his leather jacket harder.

“Well, if you’re not giving me much to work with I don’t have to either”, Remus shrugged and threw the finished cigarette on the ground before stepping on it. The stranger did exactly the same a minute later after he was done with his. “I guess then this is it for the night”, Lupin sighed, surprisingly liking the presence of the man troubled my things from the past.

“Can you stay with me for a minute more?”, and just like that the vulnerability was back in the boy’s voice. Remus swallowed and nodded, not moving away or getting up. They sat on the red bench both thinking about something and staring at the moon in silence. “We should head back before someone catches us”, the grey eyed man stood up first. “Thanks for your company and cigarettes, Mister….”

“Lupin. Remus Lupin”

The strangers faced change dramatically. “You’re James’s roommate! The rude one!”

“Don’t scream!”, Remus shushed the other. “Are you Peter?”

“No, I’m Sirius. How did he wake you up? Was it a prank”, this time his grin was mean and directed at Remus.

“No, your friend was having some… issues. He’s fine now”, Lupin didn’t want to offer details since it was none of his business.

“Issues?”

“You can ask him yourself”, Lupin scoffed. “This isn’t my place”

“I thought he talks too much-”

“He does”, the whole dynamic was completely ruined. Sirius was clearly pissed with whatever James told his friend about Remus. He followed him inside the building nonetheless. Remus closed the door carefully behind them. “Good night”, the brown haired boy didn’t hide the annoyance in his tone.

“What is wrong with my best friend? What did you do to him?”, Sirius hissed.

“If I tell you, will you stop trying to get us caught!”, Remus hissed back.

“Sure”

“He had a panic attack and talked to me. I helped him. Now fuck off, Sirius”, Remus pushed past the shorter man towards the stairs. Sirius had slight traces of guilt in his expression now. “One more thing. You owe me a cig”

“Oh c’mon”, Sirius whispered, climbing up the stairs behind Remus. “I thought you were some sort of mean asshole-”

“I am”, Remus scoffed yet again.

“Shit, look I’m sorry-”

“Oh fuck off, Sirius whatever your last name is-”, Lupin opened the door that lead in their hall way. “Don’t worry I won’t eat your dear James Potter in his sleep”, he rolled his eyes.

“I just thought you were a dick to my friend!”

“Shhh!”, Remus put a finger to his lips. “We’re in the hallway, shut up”

“Sorry-”

“Night”, Lupin was heading towards his and James’s room before he realized that the man was still following him. “I said good night which means fuck off in this case”

“Can I check on James?”

“Oh my fuckign God, he’s sleeping!”, this time Remus didn’t control his tone well. A door started to open down the hallway.

“Sirius is that you?”, a whisper came from another end of the hall.

“Pete, gimme a sec”, another James’s friend. Great.

“You’re gonna get us in trouble”, Remus moaned, voice carrying a sharp tone.

“Promise me that James is okay”

“He’s fine!”, Lupin tried to roar as quiet as possible.

“Okay…”, Sirius bit his lip. “I’m sorry again. I’m just very protective of him. He’s my… family”, he mumbled.

Remus let out a sigh, trying to not lash out on Sirius. And to think just about five minutes ago they seemed to be getting along very well. “Good night”, Lupin managed the best emotionless tone possible at the moment.

“You’re fine with Camels? I’ll bring you a cig back tomorrow”, with Sirius looking up like that Remus could feel his anger certainly change to very different emotions.

“Yes. Sure. Whatever”, he mumbled, looking away towards his door like it would magically help to teleport him back to his bed.

“Perfect”, Sirius sighed, a sigh of relief. “Good night… Thanks for looking after James… Sorry again”, Potter’s friend waved and ran down the hallway, soon Remus heard the door to his room close. It was Lupin’s turn to let out a sigh of relief before heading to his room hoping that James was in fact still sleeping peacefully. Somehow Remus had a strong feeling this was only start of James and all so many people who seemed to be his friends, starting to enter Remus’s life…

Remus Lupin managed to fall asleep easier after the exhausted conversation he had with Sirius. He dreamed peacefully of grey eyes and long black wavy hair.

“Reggie!”, Regulus wanted to strangle the other man whole heartedly first thing in the morning. He was staring at the ceiling and not moving for the last five minutes, thinking of the way he could murder Barty. Maybe bashing him on the head with “War and Peace” would shut the man up? “You’re gonna be late, Mr. Perfect! C’mooooon Evan and Dora are already downstairs”, just over one day it seemed like Crouch was one part of his life. He felt betrayed by Pandora. She decided to make two of the worst people on Earth meet and then create a friend group? Dora was as lovely as she was crazy. “Reeeeeeeggieeeeeee”

“Get the fuck off my bed!”, Black pushed the laughing man off himself and ran to the bathroom, locking the door shut.

“Sorry, prince”, Regulus could hear Barty roll his eyes through the wall. He let out a sigh and decided to simply focus on his morning routine. Black was at least happy that they had private bathrooms, he couldn’t imagine sharing more of his privacy with more bastards like Crouch. While Reg was brushing his teeth he heard another person walk in their room.

“Rosier!”, this was hell. Regulus Arcturus Black was being punished for whatever sins he committed and Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier were the demons assigned to torture him. Everything finally makes sense! “Why are you laughing, Reg?”, oh fuck no. After that Regulus decided to carry on with his morning routine, occasionally chuckling like he was slowly loosing his mind.

The whole evening after that idiot bumped into him the whole trio kept on teasing Regulus about the boy. Of course he could get away with being into men far away from his family but the fear of his mother hearing of anyone that wasn’t arranged by her was something Regulus wasn’t ready to deal with yet. He tried his best to shut off the jokes and stop thinking about the other man but… He might not have much brains but was very good looking. The awkwardness and stupidity seemed to be something Regulus apparently liked in a man. Honestly, he never had a chance to think about what he liked before.

“Reg, me and Evan are heading to the cafeteria! We’ll get you a table! See ya”, well whatever regulsu liked was the opposite of annoying fucking Barty. He felt relief after the door closed and the two men were clearly out in the hallway, being loud as fuck. He slowly emerged from the bathroom and decided to change into actual peace. Due to favorable absence of Barty the rest of the journey to the cafeteria were amaying but went by in second compared to anything else Regulus got to do in this university yet. When he saw Pandora, Barty, Evan and a stranger he didn’t know at the table he hoped that the floor would swallow him whole.

“Reggie!”, Dora was hugging Black. “How was your first night at uni!”, there was real excitement in her voice.

“Terrible-”

“I slept like dead after Evan’s magical herbs”, Barty and Evan broke into obnoxious and loud laughter.

“Good for you”, Black mumbled angrily but took his seat next to Pandora who already brought and placed his food tray there. Reg looked at the woman sitting next to his best friend. “And you are?”

“Dorcas Meadowes”, Dorcas was wearing comfortable but athletic tracksuit. Even though she was sitting, Regulus could tell that she was tall just like Dora. Her dark black hair, with hints of brown in the light, was meticulously styled in dreadlocks. Meadowes spoke with a harsh tone, not even looking at Regulus as she spoke and simply eating her yogurt. How Pandora managed to charm her was a story he really would like to know.

“She’s my roomie”, Dora smiled. “I still don’t understand how you can go for a run first thing in the morning”, the blonde girl grimaced in disbelief which made Dorcas simply roll her eyes. Regulus started to understand how Pandora befriended her, she had developed pattern in rescuing grumpy introverted people like him.

“Sports? Fuck no”, Barty moaned. “Especially not cardio”, he mumbled afterwards.

“Pussy”, Meadowes simply stated an obvious fact in Reg’s opinion. He even smiled slightly.

“Tomorrow I’ll outrun you in the morning, Meadowes”, Crouch tried to sound determined but the dark skinned young woman simply ignored him, not even looking at the man, proceeding to finish her yogurt. “I will”

“Sure”, Dorcas rolled her eyes and chuckled.

“Let’s bet on them”, Evan grinned and looked at his sister. “Sorry, Barts, but my money is on Dorcas”

“Smart boy”, Meadowes moved on to eating her apple.

“I thought we had something”, Barty pretended to be highly offended.

“I also bet on Cas!”, of course Pandora already came up with a nickname.

“Reggie, do you at least believe in me?”, Crouch batted his eyelashes at the Black.

“No”, the black haired man scoffed. “I would have to be a completely idiot”, he added coldly. Starting to dig into his yogurt with the gracefulness only a Black could manage in this whole situation.

After that the table kept on arguing about who would be better at what, Rosiers were sure that Dorcas could best Barty in everything from running to beating him up. That made Reg chuckle a few times but soon he lost interest in the conversation and started to zone out while eating his breakfast. A red hoodie soon caught his eyes, the boy who bumped into him yesterday was chatting to a tall young man in an old ugly sweater. The taller man managed to have a polite smile on his face and was listening to whatever the idiot who bumped into Regulus was talking about, in the way his mouth was closing and opening the stranger seemed to have the ability to speak very fast. The two found a free table and sat down now the sweater man saying a few words as a reply. Regulus was about to turn his focus back on his group when suddenly he was caught completely off guard by his brotherhis brother – Sirius.

Regulus hasn't seen him since tenth grade when Regulus was fifteen. Reg was mainly tutored after Sirius, according to his mother, was hanging out with the wrong crowd. They did send younger Black to a different school in hopes of Regulus being less rebellious. His parents simply pretended like Sirius Black never even existed after he ran off to “somewhere”, Regulus always imagined his brother in a group home or barely getting by right now. He was scared and worried for him for the past three years, not a word from Sirius, nothing. The only reason Regulus managed his anger was because of the idea that his older brother was too busy fighting to get by, paying the price of giving up the Black name. But no, from the looks of it Sirius was completely fine.

As Sirius moved through the cafeteria, his wavy black locks bouncing with him, a smile on his face with a smaller boy following behind him, he looked fucking happy. His brother’s walk was full of confidence and freedom Regulus would never see especially after he left him with their awful parents. Sirius was wearing tight low waist jeans, a crop top and a leather jacket full of pins. He was going towards the table with the boy that bumped into Reg yesterday and the other stranger in a sweater. But before Sirius could sit down the brother’s eyes met through the lively crowd.

Regulus didn’t know what to do, all of this felt so surreal. He didn’t know if he should get up and scream at his brother or run over there and cry in his arms like he used to when he was much much younger and still had a brother to rely on in his life. The younger Black felt two completely opposite urges tear him apart, twisting his heart. Regulus wanted to ask him so many questions. Where did he live now? Was he okay? What was he up to for the past years? Why didn’t he fucking write or call him every? Did he maybe try to? Did he ever think of his family? Did he ever think or care what happened to his little brother, his Reggie?

Sirius looked shocked, all the confidence gone but only for a split second. He simply broke off the eye contact and obviously took a place at the table with people that seemed to be his friends. Regulus scoffed and moved away his tray, wanting to throw up the food he already put in his stomach.

“Reggie?”, not the fucking nickname. “Where are you going?”, Pandora sounded worried and any talk at the table stopped immediately, all the eyes were focused on Regulus now who quickly got up.

“You look like you saw a ghost”, Evan said.

“Maybe because I did”, Regulus growled before walking off.

“Reggie!”, Pandora raced after him but the younger Black was faster, out of the building and back to the door. He still had an hour before he needed to be in class so hopefully that would have been enough to recollect himself in the bathroom.

Regulus Black felt anger build up in his chest, squeezing it tightly. How dare he simply look away? How dare he be happy when Regulus was miserable and forgotten? He remembered the times they were both very young, before school started for Sirius, before whoever he met in his school ruined Sirius. Mother would never hit him if he pretended like Regulus did, if he played along. But no Sirius Black was too proud to pretend like everyone else in their family did, he wanted to be himself.

”Reggie, I’m free when I’m there. I’m simply myself. I’m Sirius, not a Black Heir”.A memory appeared in his mind. Sirius always found it so easy to be himself and to know who he was and what he wanted.

He remembers the night Sirius ran away like it was yesterday. It was raining that day, summer holiday, another fight that went too far. He knew that this was the last straw for his big brother, whose mother never touched his face before. He cried and begged him to stay. ”I can’t stay because I can’t keep on playing this fucking game, Reg. I want to live instead of fucking pretending everyday! I can’t play along with their sick games”.

As Regulus Black washed the tears away, locked in a small bathroom he decided that since Sirius clearly didn’t need a brother, Regulus didn’t need him either. Washing away tears he focused on forgetting all the memories that so easily resurfaced in his mind. Sirius will not ruin any more of Regulus’s life, he will not ruin his stay at the university. Regulus will get through this alone like he always did, just like his parents he will simply forget that Sirius exists.

“Fuck you too, dear brother”, he mumbeled to himself in the quiet room. It was time to get ready for classes.