Remus turned the page in his planner, having just finished the rest of this month’s lessons and would be needing something to teach his students next unit. His students, all of whom were silently reading while he worked, had been flying through this unit with ease, not that he was surprised, they were all incredibly clever. He had given them a new book to read, it was a romance novel that was recommended by one young Draco Malfoy. Remus was admittedly surprised at this request and, while he normally wouldn’t give his students a book about romance, the class had voted on it to be the next book.
He had been teaching for twelve years now and he was proud to say this was one of his best classes, even though there were some high tensions between the students. After his forty years of life, he was able to tell very well who disliked who.
“Professor Lupin?” he heard a young voice say.
Remus looked up to find the source of the voice to find Hermione Granger raising her hand politely, waiting for him to respond. Hermione was a very intelligent girl and a hard worker, she loved books and was almost halfway through this current one.
He smiled at the young girl, “yes, Ms. Granger?”
“Have you ever been in love?” Hermione asked, putting her hand down gently on her desk.
Remus couldn’t say he was surprised, these kids were curious about everything, including their very private teacher. He felt himself subconsciously reach for the ring loosely hanging from the chain on his neck. His smile turned gentle as he nodded, “yes I have,” he replied softly.
Almost all his students perked up at this new found information. Remus had never shared much about his personal life, finding that most kids didn’t care much and he didn't think it necessary. They did not need to know what schools he went to or what he liked to do to succeed in his class.
“Tell us about her!” one kid said excitedly. Remus chuckled, Lavender Brown had always been extremely interested in finding out about Remus’s personal life, especially his love life.
“Yeah!” Ron Weasley cheered beside Hermione, always jumping at the opportunity of getting out of work.
Remus sighed as he thought about it, this class was ahead of the curriculum and had been reading quietly for quite some time.
“Alright,” he said, deciding it was okay to take some time off of planning and his students working. He looked over at his students, “but only if your classmates are okay with it.”
Practically every student closed their books quickly, at attention and ready to not read.
“Well,” he started, “I was very young, not much older than you lot are now. I should mention that it is very rare to have what happened to me occur for anyone, it is not very realistic and I have been told it’s much like a teen romance movie.”
“How old were you!?” one student piped up.
“I was fourteen when I first started to fall for my husband–”
“You’re married!?” three students shouted at once.
Remus chuckled again, he supposed it was fair for his students surprise, “yes.”
“What’s her name?” Lavender asked again.
Remus’s smile turned to one of nostalgia, though there wasn’t a day he didn’t think of Sirius Black, he hadn’t spoken about him in quite a while.
“His name was Sirius, named after the brightest star in the night sky. We had been best friends since we were eleven, along with a few others.” Remus smiled, he hadn’t realized just how long it had been. He felt so young again, talking about the man that would forever own his heart. “I remember the day I realized I loved him like it was yesterday, sometimes it feels like it was. We were sixteen at this point and had snuck out and met up at a nearby park for our weekend talks we used to have. You see neither of us had come from good homes, each having issues with our families that we found the other could relate to on some level. We had always been very close and open with one another, another very rare thing to find even in just friendship, and he had been telling me about this new prank idea he had.”
He stopped and looked at his student once more, having never heard him this much about his life before, they were all staring at him with intense interest. Remus had never shared his sexuality with his students, why would he? It wasn’t relevant and just never came up. He continued,
“Our little group of friends was very big on pranks when we were younger - though I don’t think any of us really grew out of that.”
Remus felt his heart skip a beat as he looked into those soft silver eyes, he would do anything to keep those eyes looking at him like that. Sirius was wearing that smile that only ever appeared when they were alone together, Remus wanted to bottle it and keep it in his pocket for the rest of his life. They had been sitting under the yellow street light for a good thirty minutes now, talking about everything and nothing all at once. He hadn’t felt this light in weeks since his fight with his dad that had landed him in being banned from leaving the house for the rest of the month. For some reason being with Sirius made him feel like all the weight he carried with him wasn’t so heavy, being around Sirius made him feel like nothing he knew of.
Remus wanted to reach out and hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, be with him for the rest of his life. The lovely boy that had no idea just how fucking amazing he truly was.
Then it hit him.
He was in love with Sirius Black.
“Moony?” Sirius said, bowing his head to once again meet the eyes of a lovestruck Remus Lupin. This wonderful boy had no idea what the honey haired boy next to him had just realized, nor did he probably want to know. Sirius would never speak to him again if he knew… no, no that wasn’t true. Sirius would never judge him for such a thing, he was too kind and too caring to be very bothered by it. After all they both knew no one could help who they loved.
“I’m in love with you,” Remus admitted, not even realizing he had said it aloud until Sirius’s eyes had grown wide. He felt heat rise in his cheeks, full of embarrassment and shame that he had just said it like that.
Sirius was quiet, staring at his friend with nothing but a look of shock, “are you being for real?”
Remus nodded, barely, the smallest movement he had probably ever made. The raven haired boy’s shock grew to a grin, he looked as if he was about to cry. Sirius’s hand raised to the side of Remus’s flushed face, as gentle as ever. His skin felt warm and soft against the boy’s scarred cheek. Remus’s own cheeks flushed at the touch, confused as to why the hell Sirius would hold his face after learning he was in love with him.
“I never dreamed you would feel the same way, Moons, I-” Sirius cut off, cheeks a beautiful shade of pink as the words sunk into Remus’s skin.
Remus felt his heart race and his eyes widen, what did he just hear? It was his turn to grin at the boy next to him. The stunning, no, ethereal boy that had stolen his heart without even realizing, the boy who felt the same way he did about him. Sirius’s thumb stroked his cheek softly, as if this moment would fade if he were any more rough, Remus thought it might too.
“Please let me kiss you,” Sirius breathed out, barely even a whisper. Sirius had this look in his eyes that Remus couldn’t recognize, but he knew he would never deny this boy anything as long as he was alive. He would sell his soul if it meant he could keep that look, that smile, on Sirius Black’s face.
Remus couldn’t speak, didn’t trust himself to, so he nodded. That was all Sirius needed.
Sirius leaned in, slow and gentle should the amber eyed boy change his mind (he wouldn’t). Remus felt his eyes close only a moment before their lips met, sparking something in his chest, burning him alive with the most beautiful fire he would ever know. He had never felt more alive, more cared for, more loved. This was the best thing he would ever experience and he would be damned if he ever let this kind, hurt, lovely boy every walk out of his life.
They spent the rest of that night under the lamppost, talking and kissing with a new meaning behind their weekly meetup. Sirius’s face lit up as he talked, a smile not once leaving his face and Remus felt his heart race with the fact that he had been the one to put it there. Remus was smiling just as much, happy to sit and listen to this boy talk about his idea.
“Wait,” Sirius said abruptly, taking hold of Remus's hand.
The honey haired boy hummed, tilting his head in confusion. Sirius paused, bringing Remus’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles before speaking again,
“Do you want to go on a date with me, Remus Lupin?”
Remus’s smile grew and his cheeks flushed again, he nodded, “absolutely, Sirius Black.”
Sirius grinned, resting his free hand on the back of his new lover’s neck, pulling Remus closer. He placed a gentle kiss on the amber eyed boy’s lips, warm and soft. Remus placed his hand on Sirius’s waist, chasing him and his touch. Sirius smiled into it, his long lashes sweeping his cheeks with a beauty only the silver eyed boy could have.
Remus would hold onto this night for the rest of his life.
“Oh my god,” Lavender gasped, “Sir, you are definitely living in a teen romance movie.”
“What happened after that!?” another student said urgently, as if it would kill them to not know the rest of the story.
“We started dating,” Remus smiled, “and we told our close friends on our one year anniversary. They were perfect about it, happy for us even, but we had to keep our relationship quiet from everyone else. Neither of our parents were very supportive of people like us, no matter how real the love was. Then one day, Sirius ran away from home, he went to our friend and lived with him until we graduated secondary school. We told this friend’s parents, the first adults to know about us and the only ones until we decided to get married at 19.”
“Dude what is your life?” a student piped up, with an expression none other than amazement.
Remus just laughed, not knowing how to respond. His life was a unique one, and he thought it was the best thing he could ever ask for, even though many would call it tragic. Still, he remembered the wedding well, clinging to every good moment with Sirius that he could.
There was silence for a moment before another student asked, “and you still love him?”
Remus nodded, “I’ll never stop.”
“Who proposed to who?” someone questioned excitedly.
Remus hummed, “Technically he did, but it definitely was not our most romantic moment.”
It was early June and the two had gotten back from a long day of work at the cafe, and they both had the closing shift. The best part about it was that they got scheduled together, their unique way of silently working beside each other - having learned silent communication very early in their friendship and eventually relationship. They had a system, Sirius worked the till – he was good at making tips – and Remus worked the bar, away from much social interaction. It worked well for the two young men and their personalities, also, Sirius hated making the drinks unless it was one of his friends or his own.
Their shop closed exceptionally late for a local coffee shop and they were both extremely tired. Though not tired enough, they skipped their nightly gossip and shit talks about the people from that day on the kitchen floor while drinking cheap wine from the gas station near their home. But they did change out of their work clothes, getting far too uncomfortable sitting on the tile like that.
Sirius put on his old, stretched out Paramore t-shirt that was so baggy it fell off his shoulder. He had slipped off his pants and sat on the cold tile in just boxers, pulling his hair up into a loose bun. His eyeliner was extra smudged under the boy’s eyes from him wiping at it so much throughout the day.
Remus had on his own pair of boxers though he was wearing one of James’s old sports sweaters from school. He had his shaggy mullet half-up-half-down because Lily had told him it looked nice on him.
They were talking about some bullshit thing one of their co-workers did - or at least Remus thinks thats what it was - when Sirius moved his legs to drape over Remus’s own chris-crossed ones. He passed the disgusting red wine over and added his own comment about the bitch then waited for the amber eyed boy to return his sentiment. He did.
“Y’know Padfoot,” Remus giggled, “if ya keep bein’ all affectionate people are gonna start thinkin’ things ‘bout us.’
Sirius laughed but played along, “Oh, yea? Wha kind of thingss remm?”
“Well fur one, they gonna think we’re fuckin’ gay, in the men lovin’ men way.”
Sirius scoffed, “ I love men”
“Gross”
The silver eyed boy burst with laughter, even though the joke wasn’t that funny. Remus suspected it was because of the alcohol. Sirius laid back on the tile, calming down from his fit of laughter and placed the wine bottle next to him. A calm silence fell between the two for a moment or two before the shorter said,
“Hey, Moony, let’s get married.”
Remus flushed, unsure if it was from the random proposal or the wine, but was red either way. He didn’t respond for another minute, in case Sirius wanted to take it back, “you wan to?”
Sirius grinned, “I don’t see why not? Not a big wedding, those are weird, just grab James and Pete and go down to the courthouse. Plus it’s pride month. And we’re gay.”
“Fair point.” He agreed, “okay, sure. Let's get married.”
Sirius shot up, a sloppy grin etched on his face, and he took Remus’s face into his hands. He kissed him firmly and contently on the lips. Remus moved his arms to snake around his lover’s waist, moving him onto his lap. It wasn’t sexual or anything, neither of them really cared for that, they just liked to kiss.
They got married on the third of June.
“Well how did it happen?” Ron asked impatiently.
Remus shook his head, “that’s not a story I wish to share with my class, thank you.”
A few students laughed.
“..What happened to him?” Draco asked, voice low and unsure.
The amber eyed professor felt his smile turn sad as he leaned on the desk in front of him. It was another moment before he answered,
“He passed away eight years ago.”
There was a silence then as the class took in this final piece of information, the real reason Remus never spoke of his husband: Sirius Lupin had passed away at the age of thirty two. He had gotten in a fatal car accident after leaving work, one June eighteenth. That day is as fresh in his mind as the day he got with the man.
He had gotten a call from the hospital as soon as his husband had been put in the operating room with doctors trying to save his life.
“Hello?” Remus answered, putting his book down in favor of answering the unknown call.
“Is this Remus Lupin, husband of Sirius Lupin?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Yes? Who is this?” he felt himself begin to shake, worry laced through his voice automatically.
“This is St. Mungo's Hospital, I am sorry to inform you that your husband has been in a severe car accident.”
The honey haired man stilled, he felt frozen on the spot, everything went cold as tears threatened to spill, “I’m on the way.”
He hung up the phone and immediately called James, telling him what happened and that they needed to go to the hospital right now. His voice shook intensely and he barely could manage to get through the words. He paced around the living room until James got in the car and hung up, then he stilled once more. His phone fell out of his hand but he didn’t notice, he couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move, couldn’t help, couldn’t be next to his husband.
Remus couldn’t think everything was hazy as if the world had stopped spinning and the sun had stopped glowing. His breath caught as he felt as if the water was violently crashing over him, suffocating him until his friend stormed into his and Sirius’s apartment. He stared out of the window but unable to focus on anything, he had no control of the situation and there was nothing he could do.
The door swung open and Remus whirled around to see James Potter walking over to him at a pace so fast he battled sound. The sun regained some of its glow. He was able to meet James in the middle of the living room before his hand was being grabbed and he was being dragged towards the door. Hospital.
***
The hospital was busy, filled with patients and doctors running from one place to the other, Remus didn’t care. He made his way to the front desk, not even checking if James was behind him, he would be damned if he waited any longer to be near his lover. The lady at the front desk quickly informed him of where his husband was, her own look of terror on her face as she said he would have to wait out here until a doctor came out to inform him of the situation. He did as he was told, even if it was because James had a hold of his arm and took him to a chair to sit down.
“I’m going to call my parents, stay here,” James ordered, as if Remus would dare move until he heard something about his husband from a doctor.
Remus couldn’t hear or see anything, his mind far too zoned in on Sirius, of what could happen. He didn’t even notice arms were around him, holding him close, until gentle fingers ran through his hair.
“Remus, honey,” Euphemia Potter whispered, as soft and motherly as ever. The amber eyed man snapped into attention, searching for something to focus on, anything. She looked at him gravely with her own set of tears barely being concealed. Effie smiled, she didn’t say ‘it’ll be okay’ because she didn’t know it would be, and she didn’t try to make a joke. She just smiled and combed his hair gently, once again giving him that motherly comfort he hadn’t known for so many years.
Remus tried to return her smile, but he didn’t trust that it came out right. Behind Effie, Fleamont was trying to calm down his son, who was pacing and whispering under his breath. The kind old man could barely hold it together himself, and Remus had only an idea of how his wife was, Sirius was their son too. James may look like his father but he is his mother through and through, Remus felt like the only way she wasn’t joining the pacing boy in his worry was by taking care of Remus. James needed something else to worry about.
“James,” he said quietly, as loudly as he could realistically manage. Immediately, the tan boy ran to his side, needing the distraction more than he needed his glasses to see. Remus gently took hold of his hand, linking their fingers together in what he hoped was grounding, “Can you call the others?”
James nodded, taking out his phone and walking out the door with a new determination. That worked then.
Effie kissed him on the head in thank you, combing his hair once more.
***
They had been at the hospital for three hours now when Lily and Peter showed up, they were the only ones living in the town. The fiery redhead rushed to Remus’s side as soon as she stepped foot in the hospital doors. Her arms were around him in seconds and there were tears in her eyes, her cheeks were red as if she had already cried.
“Any updates?” she asked quietly, after letting up free of her grasp. Remus just shook his head without meeting her eyes, his worry only growing.
Lily sighed, sending a worried glance at the woman now holding her husband’s hand to ground herself. James was looking through his phone, making sure he had called everyone (and trying to distract himself a little longer). After his fourth time checking, James hurried over next to Remus and grabbed his hand.
For some reason, James was the only one Remus really wanted near him without his husband there. His touch ignited warm comfort that brought them both back down to earth, his soft hazel eyes made the scarred man feel like it was okay to breathe. Neither of them said anything, they didn’t need to. The silent understanding that went between the two men and they waited for something, anything, that would indicate that Sirius was alright.
Remus laid his head on his best friend’s shoulder, taking in a deep breath at an attempt to calm himself. He felt some of the tension in James’s shoulders leave as the man found comfort in the touch. Lily took one look at the two friends and smiled, it was sad, but a smile nonetheless.
Another hour passed by before a young doctor approached them, she must have been an intern with how nervous she had looked. As soon as Remus realized she was walking to them, he jumped up and the world around him became unimportant. She reached them quickly, “Are you Remus lupin?”
“Yes, is my husband okay?” he urged, not noticing or even caring when the student flinched at the word ‘husband’.
She shook her head, “I’m sorry.”
The world seemed as if it had just slipped out from underneath Remus, his knees went weak and he fell back onto the chair behind him. Everything suddenly crashed down on him like a tsunami, he couldn’t hear the cries that escaped his friends and in-laws. He couldn’t see or feel when Lily ran into his arms, trying to ground him. He didn’t even know he was crying until a tear fell onto his hand. Remus felt as if someone had just ripped his heart straight from his chest. His body went cold, and his mind blank as he stared into the nothingness that was now his world.
This wasn’t real.
This had to be a joke. Please let it be some sick joke. He wouldn’t even be mad, he just wanted his husband. His best friend. His world. His everything . Sirius didn’t deserve this, he never did anything to deserve his life be taken away from him while he was still so young.
The words sunk into his bones and repeated in his mind as if he were in some sort of tragic loop. His eyes stung as if he hadn’t blinked in days but he couldn’t bring himself to close them. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t feel, couldn’t think, and definitely couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know how long he sat there in that chair, he didn’t care. His world was gone. Even with all the people he loved surrounding him, he was alone.
Then there was a hand snaking its way around his waist and lifting him up to stand. He didn’t notice it until James spoke, “moony..” his voice was filled with raw pain and it sounded choked.
Remus couldn’t bring himself to look at James, but he tried to reach out to where the voice came from. The tan boy took hold of his hand, James Potter, the only person Remus could feel or hear. While the rest of the world had been drowned out, James was right there next to him, matching his sorrow. Remus clung to him like a lifeline and the other man reciprocated this touch. Remus knew he was the only one James could sense too.
Someone said something else but he couldn’t hear them, he held his friend’s hand tighter as whoever was holding him moved him along. The emptiness he was feeling was nauseating, his head spun violently and he tried to not fall to the ground.
At some point he had been put in a car and moved him into his apartment. Just his apartment now.
Then there was James, who sat next to him on what must have been the couch and laid on him. Remus didn’t know when the others decided the two would be okay together, he only heard James say they could order food later. He just nodded in empty agreement.
He didn’t leave his - it was only his now - room for a week after that night, only letting James in and out. James spent that time in Remus’s room with him, refusing to leave for countless reasons. Neither of the two men were able to do much else then lay together. Eventually, James had the strength to leave the room but stayed in the apartment for the next few days
Remus only spoke to James and even then he only said a few words when spoken too first, talking felt too wrong, too normal. He didn’t want to eat, he couldn’t, he would only get in a few bites before calling it quits, and even then he only tried for James. Doing anything but laying in the room - that he had once shared with Sirius - and crying silently to himself felt wrong. Things were quiet and he hated it, he had never hated the quiet before.
The days all blurred together and the only reason he knew it had been a week was because of James. James had come in and told him they needed to plan the funeral, making them both cry tears they didn’t know they still had left in them. That was the first day Remus had been able to steal himself to leave the room. He did it only for Sirius, so his husband could have a funeral.
It took a few days to be able to plan but managed to get through it, though neither of them felt ready. The funeral was set for a few days after they planned it, inviting everyone that had loved and loved the man. Remus made an extra one addressed to Regulus - Sirius’s brother - and set it on the boy’s grave, Sirius would have wanted it.
The funeral came and went, countless people coming up to Remus, giving their condolences to a man who could barely smile at them. It took everything in him to leave his apartment that day and he didn’t have it in him to say anything other than the eulogy, to speak of his husband when all the tears poured silently out of his eyes. He missed him more than he would ever be able to handle.
When he got home, to an empty apartment, he went back to his room and didn’t leave for another month. James was there with him, sharing his grief and his pain, even though it was in a different way, they both loved Sirius more than they had ever known what to do with. They always would.
When he finally left his room, it was to a painfully quiet apartment and it would be empty if James hadn’t been there. Remus would be forever thankful for James Fleamont Potter.
Remus’s students all stared at him sadly, waiting for some sort of punchline like they hoped it was a joke. Remus shook his head briefly, “while our time together was cut short, I got to spend 21 years of my life with him and 17 of those years dating him. He gave me the best memories and I will always hold onto those. He gave me something I will always be thankful for: someone to love and that same love in return, I couldn’t ask for anything better. I know there will never be anyone else for me and I am perfectly okay with that. He is now a part of the star he was named after and I will see him again one day, whether that be in the afterlife or in the next life, I’ll find him in every universe and love him there. He didn’t grow up with a loving family so he made his own, and I am delighted to have been a part of it especially in the way I was.”
Remus noticed a few of his students had tears in their eyes, Lavender was actually crying with a hand over her mouth.
“Ah, I’m sorry,” he said, “I probably shouldn’t have said all that. Please do not worry about me, I’m not sad anymore and I still have those same friends I grew up with by some miracle. We all remember him and the days we spent with him. Speaking of, I have a dinner to get ready for with these friends, you can all leave early so long as you don’t tell.” he winked at his students, pulling a small laugh from some of them as they packed up. He put his own things together, making sure to grab the flower off his desk to lay at his husband's grave - something he did every third and eighteenth day of every month.
Once all of his students filtered out of his classroom, he looked at the notification he had gotten from James,
(16:12) Let's go, Professor Lupin, the ladies are waiting (Peter and Lily)!!
****
Remus returned to his flat, he hadn't moved out of the one he and Sirius had bought together all those years ago, it had too many memories he held dear. The place was empty and silent, as it had been for eight years. he never saw anyone else and never had anyone else move in with him. he never got used to the quiet of on of the few places that had always been filled with love and laughter. It was just him now, and it would always just be him.