James is excited to say the least. Everyone knows James Potter is a romantic, so when he heard THE Regulus Black wanted to see him he was more than happy to oblige. Yes they have been dating for one year already but James usually planned all their dates, so yes he was happy that his boyfriend waned to see him thank you very much.
It wasn’t like it was an elaborate date at Hogsmeade or anything like that, he knew Regulus didn’t like places where other people could see them, but that’s alright with James.
They had just come back from the holidays, and James knows better than to send letters to the Black household, but when a black owl had given him a letter at breakfast that morning after not hearing from a certain Slytherin for weeks, he felt he just drank an entire bottle of felix felicis.
Regulus had told him to go to the room of requirement which has been their usual place since they started dating, James didn’t even know it excised until one day Regulus showed him, and in James’ opinion it’s the best room in all Hogwarts. It’s like their little corner in the caste, where they can be each other without worrying who might be watching or listening.
So when James arrives he isn’t expecting to see the strangest bedroom ever. It was spacious with a large bed with a wooden headboard in the middle of the room, the only source of lightning coming from an expensive looking chandelier, as the single window of the room had thick velvet curtains covering it. There were pictures and notes on the wall, but the weird thing was there were Gryffindor banners and muggle pictures of half naked girls all over the room. "Regulus what is-"
"It’s Sirius room back home" Regulus answered before James could finish his sentence from where he was sitting on the bed " I- I don’t know why it appeared, I swear I tried to get it to change but it just wouldn’t let me" James could see Regulus eyes, they were red and a little bit puffy like he had been crying.
"It’s okay" James sat on the bed next to Regulus, pulling him into a hug "we both know this room is strange, and I don’t mind where I am as long as I have you with me" He looked down at where Regulus was lying comfortably in James chest. "But are you okay? Is there a reason you wanted to see me? Not that there has to be but-"
"I have to tell you something" he interrupted James again, as he sat up straight "and I knew this was going to happen, and I let it happen and now you’ll hate me for it" he said pulling at his hair messing up his beautiful black curls.
"There’s nothing in this world that would make me hate you Reg, and you and I both know it" James tried to hug Regulus again, but he stood up as soon as he saw James looking at him. There was silence for a while "I don’t know why I even agreed to go out with you in the first place" and that’s it. That’s all it takes for James surroundings to go blurry, to make his head spin, to make him nauseous, and suddenly there’s this pain in the middle of his chest. Is this all normal? Is he having a heart attack?
That’s all Regulus has to say to make James doubt his whole existente. Because he liked to think he knew Regulus, that he had him figured out. But he guessed wrong.
"You don’t mean that" James knew dating Regulus meant walking over a fragile line, he’s known it all this time, but is this where it all breaks? "do you?" He tries to look at Regulus eyes but he has his head down. It’s all to quiet, and he’s holding his breath afraid that if he speaks again he’ll vomit, air feels to thick at this point, he wants to wake up, surely this is all just a bad dream right?
"Regulus please" tears start to fall down his cheeks, did Regulus only brought him here to tell him that? "Regulus please look at me" and he does. And it’s not the light gray with sparkles of blue,no, his eyes went cold, a dark gray covering up those blue sparkles. He can see his eyes fill up with tears but none of them escape.
"Look at me and tell me you don’t love me anymore" He stands up from his place at the bed walking towards Regulus, he doesn’t like making him feel small but Godric help him he’s not going to lose the boy he’s in love with. "Look at me and tell me everything we had was fake" his a crying mess now, he doesn’t mean for it to happen but how is he supposed to stop that?
"Because I know damn well that you don’t do anything you don’t like, so it’s imposible you were lying to my face for a whole year" and James wants to believe that he really does.
"I’m sorry" it’s all Regulus says, James can hear his voice breaking "I really I’m sorry James" the younger boy looks at him in the eyes, he can see a single tear rolling off his cheek "but there’s no coming back from this" James doesn’t understand what is Regulus talking about? But then "oh" Regulus had lifted the sleeve of his left arm, and right there on his forearm was the dark mark.
It looked like a muggle tattoo with a snake coming out of a skull, the only difference was that it was moving,just like he’s seen on the Daily Prophet. James could also see that his arm was red with scratch marks all over it, like if someone was trying to rip their skin open.
"Regulus w-we can fix this" James tried to sound somehow comforting and calm for Regulus "we can fix it together okay? I love you and we are going to fight this together, you don’t have to worry" James reached out to touch Regulus arm trying to bring him some sort of comfort, but that just made Regulus stand back.
James knows how his parents are, he knows the Blacks very well. He knows they make people fell small, useless, incompetent, he knows that they made Regulus get the mark and how that decision is coming over him like it’s all a big mistake. "Come on Regulus we can go tell Dumbledore this and he’ll help you,I know he will"
"no you don’t understand James. I made this decision myself, I know what you’re thinking, they didn’t make me take the mark" he didn’t look at James while he said this, deciding that his shoes where more interesting "I made my choice James, it’s time you take yours too"
"No" is all James says.
"No?" This finally makes Regulus look at him with his now cold eyes.
"No"James says more firmly taking hold of Regulus shoulders. "And you know what? I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. Because believe it or not I know you, I know you don’t want to do this, so why don’t you let me help you?!"
"Merlin James when are you going to stop being so selfish huh? When are you going to stop assuming what other people feel? Has it ever crossed your mind that this is the way I am, that this is what I want? You are as selfish as Sirius no wonder you are friends. Always telling people what to feel just because it’s convenient to you. You don’t know what I want James. You never did"
CRACK
There goes the fragile line James never thought he’d see break. James doesn’t trust anything now. So all of this was fake? Every smile, every laugh, every kiss? Was he selfish and didn’t notice? Merlin was that the way Regulus felt all this time? "Come on Regulus don’t leave me like this" he puts his hands on the other boys face. And even after all, he still sees beauty in those eyes, he’s learned every freckle, every small detail of Regulus Black. He still means every word he said, he still means every kiss. And he always will.
"I’m sorry James" Regulus says but James isn’t sure he means it. "It’s all already done. I hope more than anything that you’d never looked my way, I think you wouldn’t have liked dancing with the devil you now know I am, specially not at seventeen" and with that Regulus steps away, no goodbye kiss, no hug, no nothing.
And so James watches him. Watches him walk away from everything they had, and he still means everything he said to that boy. He was a crisis of his fate, oh would’ve,could’ve, should’ve, if he’d only played it safe.
_._._._._._._._._.
And so years latter Regulus find himself in the cave. Praying would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, if he never looked at James what could’ve been. But oh he doesn’t regret a thing. He’s never loved anyone like he loves James, even after all this time. Always. He’s doing this for him, even if he doesn’t know it.
He can’t breathe. Maybe is because his lungs are filling with water. But maybe because he can’t do it without James. And in his least breath, he thinks about what would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve been them.