James couldn’t watch anymore. The heaviness in his chest was gripping him, choking him, squeezing out the air in his lungs. It had to be worse for Sirius, ways off from the main area in the open field. James took as deep of a breath as his body could allow, swallowing his sobs. Remus was already at Sirius’ side, comforting him. It had only been three days since they received the news after all. James glanced at the starry night sky.
Regulus was there now, among the stars, the heart of the lion.
A wrecked sob slipped past him. Tears fell. He hated it.
“James? Are you okay?” Andromeda’s voice made its way to him. James was barely holding himself together. Andromeda must have seen this, as she slipped into the seat next to him. “Cry everything out. It’s difficult, I know,” she sighed.
That did it. Andromeda did not try to gaslight him into thinking it was okay, or offered him useless advice or whatever. Tears fell freely, a stream of it. He knew Regulus wouldn’t have liked them grieving. But really, how were they supposed to know?
James still remembered. Of course he did. Regulus had just woken up when James was in the kitchen. Regulus had looked so soft and beautiful wrapped up in James’ sweater. James had smiled, saying good morning. Regulus had just yawned, not a morning person. Their cat, Achilles, was curled up in his arms, and Regulus looked so… Regulus. James had leaned over the counter to kiss his boyfriend. Regulus left that very night. After a day of ‘dates’, which temporarily made James forget about the very real war that had been happening.
The panic of waking up with Regulus gone. He’d gone against Voldemort to find a horcrux and drowned because of it, the idiot. That was what a Kreacher had barely managed to say, when Sirius had summoned him. They had absolutely no idea where the cave was, not even the country. Remus and Lily had to physically stop Sirius and James from searching every cave just to find Regulus. Or his body anyway.
So there wasn’t even a body for them to bury.
But it was confirmed that Regulus was dead.
The truth of it had shocked James numb. The entire three days had been a blur, but it was Regulus’ funeral now. He would never see Regulus again, never see his soft smile reserved for him and him only, never see the blush on Regulus’ cheeks, never hear his laugh when James did something silly, never be able to wrap Regulus in his arms or feel Regulus lean his head on James’ shoulder. No. He would never see Regulus again.
James hasn’t come to terms with this yet.
“Is this a dream, Andy? Is it?” James asked, laughing dryly. Andromeda glanced at him, her eyes softening. The laughing turned into a sob, and Andromeda reached out to pull James into a hug. That simply made James cry harder.
“If it’s a dream,” Andromeda said softly. “I want to wake up.”
At some point, Remus had come over. James extracted himself from Andromeda to accept the water Remus held out to him. He chugged it shakily, emptying half of the bottle without stopping. “James?” Remus asked. James turned, looking up at him. “Regulus…he asked me to give you this.” Remus held out a smallish notebook. James hesitated.
“So you knew?” James reached out a trembling hand to accept the notebook. Remus faltered at the sudden accusation.
“No, I didn’t. Regulus just asked me to pass you this the day before he…” Remus trailed off, but James wasn’t really listening anyway, having gently opened the notebook.
It was filled with, James saw at once, Regulus’ handwriting. Little notes about James, and poetry. James had to physically stop reading to slowly regain control of himself again. Scanning through the notebook, one poem in particular stuck out to James. He read it under the light of the burning fire 100 meters or so away from him.
Like light and dark,
Like water and fire,
The sun lights a spark.
Yet even as the stars try,
A fire simply will not start.
Just as how the Sun and Stars cannot coexist,
The flint and steel will resist,
even against the Stars’ will.
The sun and stars cannot coexist, Regulus had written. He knew the dangers when he chose to date James, even as he planned out everything. Did he do it with guilt? James wondered, his tears staining the page. He shut the notebook, holding it close to his heart, not having the mental stability to read it anymore. Andromeda and Remus had both gone away already, Remus to Sirius, Andromeda nowhere to be seen. From what James could see anyway.
James desperately craved a way to escape the pain, yet he couldn’t bring himself to get drunk. It felt wrong to do so. James, lying on the field, stared up at the night sky, filled with shining stars, searching.
This was the first time he wasn’t able to find the Leo constellation.
James searched harder and more carefully among the stars. The Leo constellation should be out at this time. But where was it? Regulus had always been the one to guide James to find the different stars. “There’s Sirius. Little bitch is the brightest star,” Regulus had pointed out. James had followed the direction of his finger to a bright star, almost outshining the others, much like Sirius Orion Black actually is.
Had.
Ah. There it is. There’s Regulus, the heart of the lion. Where Regulus was now. James traced out the constellation, fresh tears rolling down his face. “Regulus. Why did you do it, love?” James’ voice cracked. Regulus was intelligent enough to know the consequences of it. He was meticulous enough to take in and consider every single option he could. So why? Why had he done that?
Regulus. Heart of the lion. Regulus Arcturus Black was home now.
Yet he had left all his loved ones and those that loved him behind.