Chapter 7
Interlude: Sirius' POV
It’s hard to breathe. That’s all that Sirius registers as he sits outside of the medical wing, Prongs to the right of him, Wormtail to his left. It’s late now - maybe one or two in the morning - and Peter’s dozed off, his head resting on Sirius’ shoulder. James’ knee is touching his, their shoulders resting against one another. It’s the closest they’ve been in weeks, and Sirius refuses to take any of it for granted. James’ eyes are closed, his head resting against the wall. The girls have passed out, Lily and Mary leaning on each other, Marlene between the two of them.
Sirius smiles slightly looking at the blonde. Maz had wreaked havoc on those bastards, firing curses off every two seconds. Sirius had gone in guns ablaze, his heart hammering in his chest. He hadn’t allowed himself to look at Remus, not at first. He knew if he did not even Merlin himself would be able to stop him from running to him. So he’d kept his eyes trained on Mulciber, unleashing his worst. But then- fuck - then he saw Moony behind him, lying on the ground bleeding, and he couldn’t go to him. He tried, he did, but well. Sirius has always been an impulsive person. Closing his eyes, Sirius thought back to the moment.
James and Sirius stood back to back, fighting off the Slytherins. Avery had managed to get up, and as much as Sirius loathed to admit it, he gave as good as he got. Sweat was running down his forehead, and bursts of light were flying from their wands. Marlene was somewhere to Sirius’ right, and Peter was handling Wilkes. That had left Mulciber and Snape for Sirius and James. Sirius smirked, more than happy to take the two fuckers down.
James took Snape down first, managing to slip a spell past Snivellus’ shield. Sirius wasn’t the least bit surprised, James was the best dueler in their year, challenged only by Remus and Sirius himself. It wasn’t lost on Sirius how impressive it was that Remus had managed to hold the four Slytherins off on his own for as long as he did. Fifteen minutes might not seem like a long time, but when it’s four-on-one, that’s a victory.
James turned on Mulciber, and together they wore Mulciber down. They would have taken him out together if it hadn’t been for one simple fact: as Sirius covered Mary as she ran down the corridor, Sirius caught a glimpse of Remus. Remus was lying on the cold stone floor, his face twisted in pain, and Lily working furiously over him, doing her best to mitigate some of the injuries. It felt as though the air had been snatched from Sirius’ lungs. Without even meaning to, Sirius turned to James.
“James? Moony, he’s-”
“I know, Pads,” He said over his shoulder, hitting Mulciber with something that made him grunt in pain. Quickly James looked at Sirius, taking in the mix of panic and fear on his face.
“Go,” James told him, “I’ve got this.” Sirius blinked hard, shaking his head. He couldn’t leave James - his brother - like that.
“I can’t just go-”
“Yes, you can,” James interrupted, turning back to Mulciber. “I’ve got this. Go to him.” And, well. Sirius couldn’t just not. So he ran to Remus, falling to his knees by his side. He took in his bleeding shoulder, the black eye, split lip and bloody nose. You’d think that Sirius would get more accustomed to seeing Remus injured considering the hours he'd spent at the bedside in the days following the full moon, but he never did. He stayed strong for Remus, always ready with a quick joke or comment, but this was different. This was a different kind of violence. It made Sirius want to wrap his hands around the world and rip it apart for hurting Remus.
The feeling was still very much there, a couple of hours later. But what he wanted more than that, was simply to see Remus. To lay his eyes on him and know that he was okay. Was that too much to ask? He winced the moment he thought it, because yes, actually, it was too much to ask. Anything pertaining to Remus was too much to ask for. After what he’d done? No, he didn’t deserve to know.
Sirius stared at the stone floor, taking note of all the different colours in the rock. It grounded him. Poppy had tried to send them back to their dorms after they brought Remus to the infirmary, but they had all refused, instead stubbornly sitting outside the doors, waiting for some news on their friend. James and Sirius were the only ones awake, and even then James looked on the brink of a nap. Sirius couldn’t sleep even if he wanted to. His mind was racing, and every time he closed his eyes he saw Remus bleeding out on the floor. He shivered, nausea sitting in his stomach. James nudged Sirius’ shoulder, wordlessly assuring him.
The doors opened, and Poppy stood at the entrance. James and Sirius shot to their feet, subsequently waking Peter, who stood up as well, looking only a little weary. A thousand questions were racing through Sirius’ mind: Is he okay? Is he awake? Does he remember anything? Does he want to see us? Would he even let me see him? Merlin, is he even alive? And yet, looking at the exhausted medi-witch, everything seemed to get lodged in his throat, making it impossible to speak. They all stood there for a moment, Poppy studying each of them.
“Is he…?” Peter asked, at last, his voice small. Poppy smiled - a small and tired thing.
“Remus is alive and recovering, Mr. Pettigrew.” The three boys let out a relieved sigh at once, some of the tension in their shoulders seeping out of each of them.
“Can we see him?” James had set his shoulders, making it clear that he didn’t really care what Madame Pomfry said; The Marauders would see their friend, and Merlin help whoever tried to stop them. Poppy must have recognized this because she didn’t even try to tell them off. Instead, she just stepped aside, letting them pass.
“He’s asleep,” She warned them, “and I will not have you boys waking him up. He needs his rest.” They all nodded, promising to be quiet so as to not bother the sleeping werewolf. As Sirius approached Remus' bed - the one he was always in, farthest from the door on the left - a deep sense of dread filled him, but still he pushed forward, one foot in front of the other.
Sirius sucked in a sharp breath when he made it to the bedside. Remus was, just as Poppy had said, fast asleep, his eyes closed and face relaxed. All the dried blood had been washed away, revealing two small, fresh scars: One above his right eyebrow, the other on his lower lip, where it had been pouring blood only a small while ago. They were still red, not having had the time to fade to a silvery white like the rest of Remus’ scars. His eye still had traces of yellow and green from the nasty bruise he had gotten, but everything else looked as it had a day ago.
Prongs and Wormtail were murmuring to Pomfry and each other, but Sirius wasn't listening. His eyes had trailed down the rest of Remus’ body, taking in Remus’ bare skin, revealing the bandages wrapped around Remus’ shoulder and the large deep purple - nearly black - bruise that was blooming from his ribs. That damn punctured lung , Sirius thought, swallowing the bile rising in his throat. That wasn’t the only thing that caught his eye, however. There, running from his right collarbone down to his left hip, were four long, slightly raised scars. Four scars that had not been there a couple of weeks ago. Four scars that Sirius had never seen before. Four scars that Moony must have given himself while Padfoot wasn’t there. Moony hurt himself and Padfoot. Wasn’t. There.
Fuck .
Sirius sat down in the armchair that seemed to always be at Remus’ bedside, propping his elbows on his knees, and dropping his head into his hands. Images of Moony tearing into himself while Sirius lay in his bed, miles away, filled his head. Guilt so strong he could practically taste it shot through him, tearing a hole through his chest. Sirius was bleeding. Sirius was bleeding, and he deserved it. He ran a hand down his face, looking up at Remus. He should’ve been there to stop Moony from hurting himself. He should’ve been there to stop Mulciber. He should be the one in the hospital bed, not Remus. Never Remus. Sirius felt like he was being buried alive under the weight of the things he should’ve done - all the things he shouldn't have done - in the past couple of months.
A hand - strong and warm - rested on Sirius’ shoulder, pulling his attention away from the boy in the cot. James’ brown eyes were sad but kind as he gave Sirius a small smile. Sirius glanced around, looking for Peter who seemed to have disappeared. James picked up on his confusion.
“Wormy went back to the dorm a couple of minutes ago,” James explained, “it’s nearly 2:30, and we have classes tomorrow.” Sirius grimaced.
“But we’ve only just got here.”
“We’ve been here for about half an hour, Pads,” James told him gently. Sirius’ eyebrows shot up. Half an hour? Already? It had only felt like seconds. James squeezed his shoulder.
Words - hundreds of them - seemed to bubble up in Sirius, a hot ball of emotion clinging to his throat.
“He was so hurt,” Sirius said, his voice but a whisper. “There was so much blood, and he was in so much pain, and I couldn’t help him.” He didn’t know what was compelling him to say this, James had been there too, but he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out.
“Lily was trying to help him, but even she couldn’t heal his lung, and he was just lying there, bleeding out on the floor, and I-'' he swallowed thickly, blinking rapidly. “James, I thought he was going to- '' Sirius' voice broke off, and a choked sob broke out of him. James crouched down, immediately pulling him into a hug.
“I know, Pads, I know,” James whispered, clutching him tightly like Sirius was the only thing keeping James from falling apart too. Maybe he was. Maybe the two boys were holding each other together, stopping the pieces from falling to the ground. Sirius buried his face in James’ chest, and James had his face tucked tightly into Sirius’ neck. Together they let their tears fall, the salty water mixing with their fear and relief.
Somehow they ended up on the floor, resting up against the wall, still tangled up together. They had always been like this, even when they were still new to each other. James was a hugger, and Sirius had realized that he, too, could be a hugger. And he had been, all because of James. James who had saved him without even realizing it. They were best friends. Brothers. Soul mates. Never one without the other, James Potter and Sirius Black. Oh, how Sirius had missed being able to sit with James, let alone cry with him. Sirius didn’t deserve it, he knew that, but he was a selfish boy with selfish wishes. And right now, he was hugging his brother.
Sleep found the two of them not long after, and the two boys fell asleep right there on the infirmary floor, next to their best friend’s sleeping body.
It was quiet when Remus’ eyes fluttered open, warm sun-rays pouring through the windows. He was in the infirmary. He frowned in confusion. Why was he in the infirmary? Then last night’s events came rushing back to him, and a wave of exhaustion hit him. Not the kind of exhaustion that can be fixed with a good night’s rest, but the kind that sits within your soul, making a home of your heart and plaguing the rest of your being. It stays. It’s always there. He can’t outrun it. Wouldn’t have the energy to even if he could.
Ignoring the ache in his ribs and the burning of his shoulder, Remus pushed himself up into a sitting position. He realized then that his shirt was missing, leaving him rather exposed. Must have cut it off to get to his shoulder, he reasoned. It made sense. His mother had told him once that it was common in emergencies to cut away a shirt or pair of trousers simply. A naked body is just a body, Hope had said to him once as she wrapped up his thigh which he had managed to tear into during a full moon. It was different for her, Remus knew. She was a nurse. It was her job to help, not to judge. Teenagers weren’t so forgiving, he had found. Glancing around he saw he was the only one in the infirmary, so he tried to ignore the fact that his chest - raised scars and all - was on full display.
The thought of his mother brought a smile to his face. Gentle and kind, with a gift to heal those around her without a wand or ounce of magic. When Remus was little, he was sure that there was something special about her hands that healed what was broken. He had been taken to St. Mungos a handful of times before he made it to Hogwarts when the wolf had done something even Hope couldn’t fix. Remus had hated it - the way the potions they gave him tasted, the feeling of a wand casting spells on him, the sterile white of the hospital rooms and the hands of people he didn’t know poking and prodding at him. It wasn’t their fault, Remus knew. The healers were never unkind or lacking empathy, but they weren’t Mum , and that was enough for little Remus to hate them.
St. Mungos lacked the warmth the Lupin’s home had. St. Mungos lacked the jokes Hope would crack to make Remus smile after a long night. St. Mungos didn’t have Pandora running into his room to pretend to play doctor. St. Mungos lacked all the things that made the full moons bearable. Hope Lupin had made sure to teach her children how to take care of themselves without magic. Yes, Essence of Dittany had been a staple in their house, and Hope made sure Lyall kept the potions cabinet stoked, but she insisted on showing them the contents of a first-aid kit and how to use everything properly. She taught them how to apply pressure and wrap a wound, what to do if someone passed out and who to call in an emergency if they weren’t in a magical space. It was a comfort to Remus. Knowing how to take care of himself. Knowing how to take care of others. It was important.
His thoughts of home were interrupted when he heard something to his left. Glancing over the side of his cot, Remus’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. There, lying on the floor tangled together, were James and Sirius, fast asleep. What in Godricks name were they doing there? It’s not as if Madam Pomfry had kept them hostage there overnight. The idea of Poppy letting the boys visit him - let alone let them stay - was rather shocking. The Marauders often had to sweet talk the medi which into letting them see Remus after a full moon, though he knew Poppy would never really turn them away. She cared too much for the lot of them, even if she didn’t admit it.
“They look rather sweet curled up like that, don’t they?”
“Fuck,” Remus cried in surprise, jumping at the person suddenly standing in the infirmary.
“Shit, sorry,” Pete said, walking over to the bedside. “I thought you’d still be asleep, so I snuck in as Wormtail and well…” He grinned. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” Remus shook his head.
“Nah, it’s alright.” Remus looked back at James and Sirius, who snored quietly. Remus suppressed a laugh. “I think they look more ridiculous than they do sweet.”
“Same thing.” Peter shrugged and took a seat in one of the chairs. “How are you doing?” Now it was Remus’ turn to shrug.
“I’ve looked worse.” Peter snorted, but there wasn’t any humour in the sound.
“I brought you one of these,” he said, handing Remus a chocolate frog, the box already open. Remus gave him a questioning look. “What? You know I collect the cards. Left the chocolate for you though.”
“Thanks, Wormtail. Really,” Remus emphasized, hoping he knew it was about more than just the frog. Peter smiled, a glint of sadness in his eyes.
“Anytime, Moons.” They sat in silence for a moment, Remus noting the way Peter was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He wanted to say something, so Remus waited, letting his friend take his time.
“What… what do you remember from last night?” Remus knew it was coming, but he still winced. Last night was a haze of pain and the taste of iron.
“Not much,” he admitted. “I was going to see Pomfry, and on the way to the infirmary, I ran into those pricks picking on a muggleborn. We got into it, and, well. Now I’m here.” Peter nodded, biting his lip.
“It was Lucy who found us. Ran into the common room and told us what happened. She knew it wouldn’t end well. We were all up in a second, but it took us longer to get to you than it should’ve. We wasted ten minutes trying to find the map, and then by the time we got to you…” Peter trailed off, a faraway look in his eye as if reliving the memory. Remus watched his friend blink rapidly, swiping a hand over his face.
“Fuck, Moony, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Hey,” Remus said, reaching to comfort his friend despite being extremely uncomfortable. Emotionally constipated, that’s what Lily had called him once. She wasn’t wrong.
“It’s okay, I’m fine. You guys got to me in time.”
“But what if we hadn’t? Remus, you were losing blood. Fast . You punctured a damn lung for fucks sake! You nearly died, and I wasted ten minutes because I couldn’t find the bloody map!” Peter’s voice was rising, and his eyes were looking more red by the second.
“Peter,” Remus said firmly, placing both his hands on his friend's shoulders. Peter stopped, looking at Remus properly for the first time since he’d entered the infirmary. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You did everything you could, and it was more than enough. I mean, Merlin, you fucking tackled Wilkes to the ground. It was bloody impressive.”
“Really?” Peter was looking at him skeptically, as though he didn’t really believe.
“Are you kidding?” Remus laughs genuinely. “That was the craziest shit I’ve seen since… I don’t even know. Not even James did something that reckless.” Peter smiled a little, shaking his head.
“I wasn’t even thinking, honestly. I just saw you and Wilkes and fucking charged . It was cathartic, really.” The two of them shared a look and then dissolved into giggles, thinking about how absurd it had really been. Once the two of them calmed down a bit, Remus looked at Peter - really looked at Peter - and felt something clench in his chest.
“Thanks for coming for me. I’d be, well. I’d be dead if you lot hadn't intervened. So. Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” Peter looked affronted at this like he couldn’t quite understand what he was hearing.
“Of course, we went after you. I mean, Merlin Moons, we love you. How many times do we have to say it before you get that into that brain of yours? You’re supposed to be the smart one.” Remus’ ears burned, and he had to look away. Objectively, yes Remus knew his friends loved him. That didn’t mean he understood why.
“We love you,” Peter repeated. “We all do.”
Remus couldn’t help it, he groaned. He knew what Peter was saying, and it was sweet, but he really didn’t want to have this conversation right then.
“Peter-”
“No,” Peter interrupted, surprising Remus a bit. Pete had never been a confrontational person, so the fact that this was coming from Peter, well, Remus hadn’t been expecting it.
“What Sirius did was fucked, and I haven’t even forgiven him for doing what he did. You have every right to be angry and hurt.”
“I’m not hurt-” Remus protested, but he was cut off once again.
“Yes, you fucking are don’t even try that shit.” Peter’s brow was set, and there was an intensity to his gaze. “Anyone would’ve been destroyed, but coming from Sirius just made it that much worse.” Remus frowned, a little pissed off now if he was honest with himself.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peter rolled his eyes.
“Oh come on, Remus, you didn’t honestly think James was the only one who knew you fancy Sirius, did you? We share a dorm, and you two aren’t exactly subtle.” Remus blinked harshly, reeling from Peter’s words.
“Us two? What…” Peter looked at him for a moment before shaking his head in something between exasperation and amusement.
“You two truly are helpless. Sirius has been falling over himself for you for months. Honestly, he makes an ass of himself every time you come into view, and has been since fourth year.” Remus shakes his head in disbelief. Because he’s wrong. He’s so wrong it’s laughable.
“Sirius doesn’t want me.” Peter cocked an eyebrow.
“And how do you know that,” He asked, leaning back in his chair. Remus’ mouth went dry.
“For starters, he’s running off to snog some girl every chance he gets-”
“Yeah, he’s sexually frustrated because of you.” Remus inhaled sharply, causing him to start coughing uncontrollably.
“You two are idiots, you know,” Peter said as he patted his back. “It’s a bit painful to be honest.”
“Tell me about it,” Remus grumbled when he recovered. Peter smiled sympathetically.
“I know. I’m not telling you to forgive him, whether you do or don’t is your business and I support it either way. It’s just… you don’t see the way he looks at you, Remus.”
“And how’s that?”
“As though you’ve hung the moon and the stars.”
As Sirius and James continued to snooze, Peter and Remus spent their time playing chess (Remus lost every time) and snacking on some pastries that Peter had nicked from the kitchens a little after their talk. Madam Pomfry had given Remus a handful of potions to take with their food, and to both Peter and his surprise, she didn’t even bat an eye at the extra boys. In fact, she seemed to be a little pleased to see the four boys together again.
Remus groaned as Peter cheered in yet another chess victory.
“I don’t know why I even bother playing with you. It’s not like I ever win,” Remus said, leaning back against the wall.
“Because you’re holding out for the day you will beat me. Too bad that day will never come,” Peter responded, smirking.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.” Remus snorted, shaking his head.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“JAMES WAKE UP!” Pete cried as he jumped up suddenly, making Remus wince slightly. “MOONY SAID HE LOVES ME!”
The two boys on the ground sat up groggily, confused by the sudden yelling.
“What…?” James asked, sitting up. His glasses were askew on his face, and his thick, black hair was sticking up in every which direction. Sirius seemed to be in a similar state; his eyelids drooping and his hair a knotted mess.
“MOONY LOVES ME,” Peter repeated, still shouting. “HE ADMITTED IT!” A big goofy smile broke out on James’ face.
“Really? Aw, Moony, you big softy.”
“I always knew he was soft behind that hard shell,” Sirius added, smiling softly. Remus flushed, blood running to his cheeks.
“I take it back. You’re all awful,” Remus grumbled, not meaning a single word.
“Lies,” Peter dismissed, still just as pleased as he had been not two minutes ago. James had moved to sit next to Pete on the bed, while Sirius had opted to sit on the cot beside Remus, careful not to infringe upon his personal space. Remus appreciated it, he supposed, but that didn’t mean he especially liked it.
“What do you think the chances of the three of us getting out of classes today?” Peter asked, nibbling on a piece of chocolate.
“Slim to none,” Remus replied.
“I don’t know,” James countered, “I think I could soften McGonagall up. Maybe if I shed a few tears.”
“Oooh, yeah, get her to pity us,” Sirius agreed.
“‘Cause that works so often,” Remus grumbled.
“Oh c’mon Moons, there’s no harm in trying,” Sirius reasoned.
“What about the time you burned your arm trying to magically juggle fire?”
“That was one time!”
“It’s mental that it even happened once!”
“Okay, Mr. Moons, I will have you know-”
“Enough! My ears are bleeding!” James cried, throwing his hands over his ears.
“Please, stop,” Peter groaned. “You two are bickering like an old married couple.”
Remus’ ears burned, ignoring the butterflies that started to flutter at the mention of them acting like a couple. Merlin, being in love was embarrassing.
“Piss off. I’m injured. You can’t make fun of me.”
“Sirius isn’t, though,” James pointed out. “Does this mean I can make fun of him?”
“Yes. I even encourage it.”
Sirius barked a laugh, and James and Peter snickered. Even Remus cracked a smile.
He had missed this: sitting around and acting like fools. And after last night… Let's just say Remus wasn’t too keen to continue the cold and stilted stalemate that had broken out in their dorm room. And Sirius’ presence didn’t cause a fire of anger in his stomach anymore. Instead, there was just the steady ache of knowing Sirius would never want him. And that was okay. Remus had made peace with that quite some time ago. Remus was pulled from his thoughts when the girls - led by Lily Evans and her flaming hair - threw open the infirmary’s doors, walking towards them with such purpose Remus had half a mind to be afraid. The boys watched silently as Lily walked right up to them, throwing seven paper slips down on the bed.
“What’s this now?” Sirius asked, tilting his head to look at the papers.
“Slips from McGonagall excusing us - all of us - from classes,” Lily’s eyes were a little watery, but she was smiling proudly. Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail broke out into cheers, praising Lily.
“Are you okay, Red?” Remus asked, ignoring the celebrating boys.
“What? Oh! I’m fine, just shed a few tears to sell the whole ‘too emotionally distressed to be in class’ bit.” Remus’ jaw dropped, and a startled laugh escaped him.
“You went crying to McGonagall to get out of class? You?” It was hard to imagine, Lily was almost always the picture of grace and dignity.
“Wait, did you really?” James asked, staring up at her with admiration when she nodded. “And here I thought Lily Evans was the responsible one.” Lily just rolled her eyes, took a seat on the bed, and cuddled up to Remus.
“You’re welcome by the way,” She said as everyone else settled around the bed. A chorus of ‘thank you’s was her response. She smiled and then turned her attention back to Remus. “And how are you doing?”
“Me? Oh, I’m just dandy."
“I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Me too, Red. Me too.”