Chapter 1
Ice-cold fear running down Remus' spine, leaving him shivering and gasping for air was the last thing Remus remembered before waking up. The look of disgust on Severus' face when he had entered the room Remus had been hiding in, waiting for his friends who had been running worryingly late, was now burned into his brain. It had felt as though someone had dunked him in the Black Lake, still frozen over in the harsh February winter. It was then that James Potter -- the brave bastard that he is -- burst through the door, nearly tackling Severus to the floor. For a moment, Remus was so relieved he thought he might cry. Then the burning that had been simmering just below the surface of his skin suddenly flared, engulfing Remus in nothing but pure agony, leaving him nothing more than a pile of ash. From that ash rose a beast, hungry and wild. Suddenly his scream became a howl, and then-
Nothing.
He was left with nothing.
Remus came back to himself slowly; his senses waking up one at a time. The first thing he heard was the muffled chatter of McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey somewhere in the distance. Then the familiar sterile scent of the Hospital Wing tickled Remus' nose. Remus noted the throbbing in his head, the itching across his nose and the aching that laced his frail body. Squinting in the bright, white lights of the Hospital Wing, Remus' eyes fell upon a sleeping boy, his hair an unruly black mess of curls. Everything from the night before flooded Remus' mind, and suddenly Remus was sitting upright in his hospital bed, ignoring the pain that shot through his chest, scanning his friend's face and body for any sign of injury. Injuries that Remus could have put there. James was leaning against the wall, his head tilted to the left, as if he had just meant to sit down for a bit and instead ended up falling asleep.
His breathing was steady, each rise and fall of his chest reassuring Remus that he was going to be okay. The only sign of injury was a slightly beat-up lip and a small cut running along the top of James' cheekbone, both already cleaned and healing. With a heavy sigh of relief, Remus fell back into bed, covering his face with his hands.
"Fuck," Remus hissed, pulling his hands away from the cut that ran from his left eyebrow, down and across his nose, ending a couple of centimetres below his right eye. It was going to scar, Remus didn't need to see it to know that much.
"Moony?" A groggy James looked over at Remus, his brown honey eyes scanning Remus over, his eyebrows pinched together in concern. "Are you okay?"
Remus had to hold back a bitter laugh. Nothing about this was okay.
"I'm fine, Prongs," Remus said instead. James seemed to visibly relax a little, his shoulders losing some of the tension that had been there even as he slept. Remus looked at James, taking in his frown and the way he wouldn't meet Remus' gaze. "James," Remus said quietly, his heart pounding as images of the night previous flashed through his mind.
James, who had been biting his lip anxiously, finally looked Remus in the eye. The pain and betrayal Remus found there made his stomach drop. "I'm so sorry, Remus."
"James," Remus all but whispered his throat tight with emotion. "How did Severus find me? Is he okay?"
Something deep inside of James seemed to almost fracture, a crack splitting through his heart, threatening to tear him apart. James stood and moved to sit at the end of Remus' hospital cot. Remus watched silently, dread pooling up in the pit of his stomach. Oh god, had Remus killed him?
"Snape is fine," James said after a moment. "A little bruised here and there, but otherwise completely fine. He's speaking with Dumbledore in his office right now."
Remus sighed, relief flooding through his body.
"That's good," Remus said, feeling slightly better. None of this was fixed, but at least Remus wasn't a murderer. But that still left a question. "How did he find me?" Remus asked, hesitant, both not wanting to know but desperately needing to know the truth. When James didn't respond, Remus felt his stomach flutter with panic.
"James," he said, practically pleading.
When James Potter -- the kindest and most loyal of the Marauders -- looked up, there were tears in his eyes. Suddenly everything clicked into place. The reckless behaviour, the short temper, the impromptu pranks and the sudden need to pick fights.
"No," Remus breathed, his vision blurring with unshed tears.
"Moons," James said, his voice choking, "I'm so, so sorry."
It had been a month since Sirius had uprooted Remus' life and flipped his world upside down. It had been a month since Remus stopped sitting with the boys during meals. It had been a month of staying up late, hiding in the library in hopes of the Marauders being asleep when he returned to bed. It had been a month of taking his meals to go or skipping them all together. It had been a month of sad smiles from James and pats on the back from Peter. It had been a month of hearing James tell Sirius off for trying to talk to him and listening to Pete throw insults at Sirius left, right and center.
It had been a mont of absolute misery.
March had just begun, and soon Remus would be sixteen. James had brought up the idea of a party or celebration of sorts, but Remus had shot him down immediately. He felt guilty for his harsh response, explaining that a party was quite literally the last fucking thing Remus wanted at the moment. James hadn't said anything about it since.
Then there was the whole issue of Snape. No longer did the amount of hate that Remus harboured for the slimy bastard matter. Because now, Remus couldn't laugh at his supercilious comments or throw insults at Sape as one would duel. Now, every time Remus saw the dark-haired Slytherin, Remus was suddenly transported back to that horrible night in the shack. Suddenly, he found himself breaking out into a cold sweat, fear coating his throat and everything inside of him. Everywhere Remus looked, he found evidence of the incident: from the looks of concern that James and Peter would share to the old wooden desks that reminded Remus of the rotting floorboards of the shrieking shack.
And none of that even began to scratch the surface that was Sirius Black. After everything they had been through, after all the trust that Remus had handed over to the raven-haired boy. . .
Nothing could have prepared him for the betrayal that had hit Remus so violently that he felt as though he had been stabbed.
Remus had always been an angry person. It was something that had always resided within the very marrow of his bones. It was something he inherited from his father: that short temper and willingness to throw hands at the drop of a hat. It certainly did not help that Remus was a monster, bread to destroy and hurt those around him. But Sirius had this way of taming the fire that burned within Remus, holding it in his hands as though it was nothing more than a beautiful, glowing candle. It was because of Sirius that Remus knew how to de-escalate an argument, rather than send someone to the Hospital Wing with a broken nose.
But now, Sirius had taken that candle and used it to light kindling that he had doused in gasoline. Now, Remus was an ever-burning ball of rage, engulfing anything that came too close. No longer were his friends dancing and singing around a campfire; now they were running from an unstoppable forest fire, devouring everything in sight.
Remus didn't want to be angry. He didn't want to be a forest fire. He wanted to be a candle, held and protected by the soft delicate hands of Sirius Orion Black. Held by the person he had fallen for as easily as one falls into a pool of water. Only now, Remus was drowning in it all, crushed under the weight of his pain. He barely talked and spent all of his time in solitude in a desperate attempt to stop himself from burning everyone he loved.
James and Pete had accepted this. No longer did they try to sit next to him in the back of potions class. No longer did they try to track him down to ask him if he was okay. No, they knew Remus wanted to be alone, and they were okay with that.
However, not everyone was.
Remus was sitting on the library floor, hidden behind old bookshelves no one bothered to check behind anymore. Over the last month, Remus had made a safe haven for himself. In the very back of the restricted section, tucked behind a bookshelf Remus had moved slightly to allow him access to the empty cavity that lurked behind the old wooden shelf. There was a small circular window looking out onto Black Lake and towards the mountains beyond.
Remus had an assortment of books that he had been steadily making his way through, along with his school work and notes that he'd been pouring over in preparation for the OWLs that he would be taking at the end of the year. By hiding himself away and throwing himself into his school work, he'd barely had time to think about Sirius. By staying up so late, Remus exhausted himself to the point that he would fall asleep almost instantly, the moment his head hit the pillow. He was in a constant state of exhaustion, but that was better than staying up at night, unable to sleep and plagued by thoughts of the boy sleeping only a few beds over. The boy who's breathing he could hear and who's shampoo he could smell.
It had been late, the sun long gone down and it was well past curfew when Remus heard someone making their way down to the very bookshelf he hid behind. Remus cursed silently, already preparing some kind of excuse to tell Filch as to why he was in the library so late, let alone why he was where he was.
As it turned out, Remus didn't need an excuse. He never did with Pandora. Remus let out a heavy sigh of relief when it was his younger sister peeking into the secret space that Remus had created. If it wasn't for the two Lupin siblings sharing a last name, most would not have any reason to suspect the two were related. While Remus had a pile of tawny curls atop his head and tanned, rough, scarred skin, Pandora had long, nearly white hair that reached down to her hips. Her skin was almost as pale: clear and smooth as porcelain. The only color on her face came from her cheeks that always seemed to have a permanent blush, despite Pandora never being one to wear makeup of any sort.
The thing was, Pandora took after the Lupins more than Remus did. While Remus may have his father's hair color and his mother's deep, mossy green eyes, Pandora had the lupins characteristic large doe eyes and pale skin. She had inherited his father's pale, blue eyes and their mothers long, blonde hair. Pandora looked like a Lupin, Remus. . . didn't.
Then there was the whole issue of Remus being a Gryffindore. Though his father had never outright said it, Remus was well aware of the disappointment Lyall had felt when it was declared that Remus was destined to be a lion, rather than a raven. The following year, Pandora was sorted into Ravenclaw, just as Lyall Lupin himself had been. When the two returned home that summer, it was clear as to where Lyall Lupin's fondness lay. Remus hadn't been surprised, exactly. He was a monster after all, being a Gryffindore was just the cherry on top.
"May I come in?" Pandora's soft, whispery voice asked.
Remus felt himself smile unconsciously. Remus couldn't really be mad; he too preferred Pandora over himself.
"Of course," Remus said, sitting up and moving aside his books to make more room. Pandora joined him effortlessly, her small frame slipping between the wall and the bookcase without any struggle whatsoever.
Pandora had changed out of her uniform and was now in a lacy, long sleeved dress that resembled a fairy princess more than it did a Hogwarts student. Sitting down across from Remus, the Ravenclaw looked about, a small smile on her lips. She took in the stacks of books and papers tossed about. She then turned her attention to Remus, raising a singular, blonde eyebrow.
"OWLs," Remus mumbled as a way of explanation.
Pandora, who looked rather unimpressed with the excuse, looked Remus up and down, taking in his rumpled jumper and the tie that Remus had violently taken off while desperately trying to finish his potions and transfiguration homework at the same time.
"So you're hiding behind a bookcase because of. . . OWLs?"
". . .yes."
Pandora looked at him --really looked at him-- in the way that only Pandora could. It was almost as though she was staring into him, into his soul, his very being. She had been like this ever since she was young, and --while Remus had never said so out loud-- he had often thought that Pandora would be a natural-born seer of some form.
After a moment, Pandora spoke again. "You haven't sat in the Great Hall in weeks. Those boys you hang out with look horrible. That one boy, Sirius, has been sitting with those girls you like --they're quite lovely, actually-- for the past month. And now, I've found you cooped up in here with nothing but books to keep you company."
Remus looked down, feeling rather foolish at that moment. Pandora hadn't said any of this with an ounce of judgment, only telling him the things he already knew. Remus hadn't really thought anyone outside of the Marauders would notice. Then again, Pandora had always been very observant.
"I can't help thinking," Pandora continued, "that something must have happened sometime last month for you to resort to hiding behind bookshelves." She smiled gently. "Would I be wrong to assume something happened on the 22nd of January?"
Remus clenched his jaw and scowled. "It doesn't matter."
"We both know that isn't true," Pandora said not unkindly. "You're hurting, Re, I can tell. I just want to know how to help you."
Remus softened. "Dora. . ." he trailed off, not really knowing what to say. His sister looked at him with her big, blue eyes, and Remus knew he had lost.
"What happened?" Pandora asked, her voice only a whisper.
Remus took a deep breath, his throat already starting to feel tight. How could he even begin to explain what had happened? Remus had barely talked to Pandora since the summer, what with her hanging out with the 4th year Slytherins and being in a different house. Remus loved Pandora, but he had never been very good about sharing what it was he was feeling; something Pandora always found utterly ridiculous, as it was something that always came naturally to her. But, Remus had to tell someone. He was beginning to think he might crack under the weight of keeping it all to himself.
Closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall, Remus spoke the words he hadn't allowed himself to speak.
"Snape knows," said Remus, grimacing when he heard the sharp intake of breath from his sister. "And. . ." God, this is the most painful part, Remus thought, "Sirius is the one who told him." Pandora was quiet, the library entirely still. Remus squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. "He told Snape how to find me. During the full moon." When Remus finally opened his eyes and looked at Pandora, he found her with her lips pursed together, her eyebrows furrowed and tears welling up in her eyes. Remus sat forward, his hands reaching out to comfort her on instinct. "Oh, Dora, please don't cry. It's. . . it's-"
"Remus John Lupin," she cut in, her voice slightly shaky and burning with anger that Remus hadn't expected. "Don't you dare try to comfort me. And if you say that you are fine, or- or that anyone this is okay, I swear to Merlin." Pandora let out a frustrated noise before suddenly surging forward to wrap her arms around Remus, holding his head as he instinctively melted into her touch. In the warmth of his sister's warm embrace, Remus felt his eyes well up. He hadn't allowed himself to cry about it all since that first morning in the Hospital Wing. Now, Remus allowed the tears to fall quietly onto his sister's shoulder as she rubbed soothing circles on his back and cried with him, sharing in his pain and grief.
"I'm here," She whispered, repeating it over and over until his crying eased and he felt strong enough to pull away. He wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his jumper. Pandora didn't bother to dry her tears, she had always believed that there was strength in them.
"So," Remus said, admittedly feeling a little better. "Now you know why I've been hiding here." Remus gestured around the place he had deemed safe.
"I do," Pandora agreed.
"There's a 'but' to that, isn't there?" Remus asked though it wasn't really a question.
"But," Pandora said, a small smile tugging at her lips. "You can't stay here. It isn't healthy."
"I know," Remus conceded. "I just- I can't even bring myself to be around James and Peter. I know it isn't fair, and it isn't their fault. They've been brilliant, considering everything, actually. But, I just-"
"I know," Pandora said gently. If there was anything Pandora had, it was the gift of empathy. "It's okay if you need time away from them, I get it. But you should be around someone, even if you aren't actively talking or participating in conversation. Isolation isn't good for anyone."
Remus huffed, annoyed that she was right. "What do you suggest, then?"
Pandora smiled, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "Well, why don't you spend time with me? We can take our meals somewhere else and spend time together, even if it's just us reading in complete silence."
Remus thought about it for a moment. It would be good to spend time with Pandora, and it wasn't as though he was doing anything more important in his secret little haven.
"Okay," Remus agreed. Pandora cheered, pulling Remus into a bone-crushing hug, causing Remus to wheeze as he laughed. It was impossible to be sad when Pandora Lupin was happy.
When Pandora pulled away she smiled. "Tomorrow, once you have your breakfast, come find me at the Ravenclaw table. I know a place I think you'll like."
Remus smiled, shaking his head. Pandora and her secrets.
"Deal," Remus said. Together the two siblings snuck out of the library, desperately trying not to get caught by Filch. It was difficult, as they snickered the whole way back to their dorms.