This'll be a breeze!!

Hey Padfoot,

I solemnly hope that this owl post finds you in the pink of health, 

I'm Cassius Alphine Fall, the proud offspring of Chloe Fall and your dear brother, Late Regulus Black. Yes, I'm the wild card of the House of Black, or what some might call a bastard, a living testament to just how bonkers our family can get.

Now, let's get down to business, and trust me, it's a `Sirius` matter. Recently– and when I say recently, I mean it's fresher than a Snitch right out of the Quidditch box - some rather intriguing evidence has cropped up regarding your case. It's like discovering a Chocolate Frog card you didn't even know you had. A lot of it has to do with the fact that you didn’t even had a fuckin’ triel, so you know, half of the ministry personals are running around like headless chickens, and the other half is trying to bury their heads in the sand. My mother has already got the ball rolling, but our illustrious Minister seems to be throwing a wrench in our plans on the order of Malfoy. We have a hunch that it's all about the grand legacy of the House of Black. Without you, it's set to fall into the lap of Narcissa's lad, Draco. So, that's our working theory, and we're determined to solve this riddle. But no worries, your case is currently in the very capable hands of Amilia Bones. If what people say is true about her, then you should be back sipping butterbeers in just a few weeks. If not... Well, we've got our brooms ready.

Speaking of brooms, I have to tell you about your godson, Harry. He's an absolute riot! The kid's got more energy than a snitch on a caffeine rush, and I'm pretty sure he inherited that trait from you. For the past eight years, he's been under our roof; we snagged custody due to our "distant family" status. You'll find some pictures of him with this letter, and they're bound to warm your heart like a Gryffindor common room fire.

So, keep your wand up and your spirits even higher, because the future of the House of Black is stranger than a Niffler's treasure trove. And it needs you. 

Best regards,

Cassius Fall

Looks good. I think that's the best you're going to achieve here.

Capping my pen i placed the letter in the envelope and took it to my mother downstairs “I have his letter ready” i told her waving the letter in front of her

“Good, I’ve talked to Amelia, we just need Pettigrew and Sirius we’ll be done”

“That’s good” looking around i shouted “Gabriel!” and waited for the bird who came in after a few seconds and landed on my shoulder.

“Are you sure you wanna send the poor bird?” my mother asked as I was tying the letter on his feet.

“What good is he if he can’t even go to Azkaban.” I replied jokingly, which was of course not taken well by my bird

“Fuck off!” it screamed and bit my finger. Which is pretty common now, so I just ignored it and tightened the knot.

“Whatever, take this to Azkaban, I'm pretty sure someone would take this off your…. Feet.” I didn't even get to finish when he took off and was almost out of the window when I called him back again. “listen to the entire thing first! Don’t hang around there for too long, just give the letter to the warden and get the fuck out of there. Alright”

“God I hate that bird.” I exclaimed as I watched the little fucker fly away, “why couldn’t I get anyone like you Hedwig?” I asked the snowy bird, who also came inside somewhere around our bickering, but obviously a bird wasn’t going to answer me, so I just got up and walked to the fridge while thinking about how things were proceeding. 

Apparently Amelia and a few other aurors are going to be moving tomorrow evening, while the Weasley family is out for something, Arthur is supposed to make something up. And if all goes well, then Pettigrew will be caught an– “where is my leftover slice?” I asked, noticing that my cake was gone.

“I put it in the fridge, just like I told you this morning.” mom said without looking up from the prophet,

“Yeah but it is not here anymo– that bitch” 

I ran towards the living room and saw Harry stuffing his face with my cake, who started shovelling it in his mouth when he saw me coming “You motherfucker!! That was mine!”

“I didn’t see your name on it.” he replied with a cheeky, messy smile.

“Mom! Harry ate my cake! Either you do something about him or I'm gonna beat the living shit out of him, and my fists are already up!” I turned around and found my mother smiling like this is the most amusing thing out there, obviously no respect for the older brother. “It was just a cake Cass, and it wasn’t even a good one.” my mother said placatingly.

“It doesn’t fucking matter, what matters is that it was mine!”

“I’ll buy you another one” she threw behind her before leaving us both alone. Ignoring her I just focused on Harry and leaned in to really drive the point in. “What you think I’m gonna let this go you fucker?” I said as dangerously as I could, but the bitch just sat there smiling innocently at me “you better sleep with one eye open now bitch because I’ll be coming for you.” 

“Cass! Stop threatening your brother.” I heard mom screaming from somewhere, so I just made an `I see you` sign and left him alone.

Walking back into my room I quickly fished out the last gift I still had to finish. This is going to be the big one actually, something that I've been working on since I reached school, and the final finishing touch will be a bit of metal carving. I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't even notice that it was already middle of the night, the only reason I even noticed it, was because Gabriel came back from his voyage from Azkaban. 

“I don’t see my letter, I assume you delivered it?” After giving me a very good `who the hell do you think you are talking to` look he bobbed his head a few times. Should’ve named this bird fucking Heisenberg. Take him to the lab downstairs and he’ll start cooking too.

‘And I guess Hedwig is Pinkman in this little fantasy of yours?’

Nahhh, she’s Jimmy, slippin’ Jimmy!

ignoring the horrible casting, I asked Gabriel “Did you give it to Sirius?” getting a negative I assumed he gave it to either a guard or the warden. Nodding my head in acceptance and petting him, I summoned the box of owl treats I keep in my room for both Hedwig and Gabriel, after feeding him I again went back to my work.

It was around six thirty when Gabriel, who was peacefully sleeping on my desk beside me suddenly woke up and started staring at the door of the room. Being familiar with his reactions I quickly conjured an illusion of me sleeping on my bed, while hiding myself from the view, because if it is my mother who’s coming, then she’s going to be very angry when she finds out that I pulled an all nighter, but if it was harry then this will be a perfect opportunity of pranking him.

And after a few seconds the door finally opened and a grinning harry slowly creeped in, and quietly moved towards my bed. When he reached my bed and took in a big breath, I knew that he was going to scream to wake me up.

But before he could even utter a sound, I just vanished the illusion and watched as he choked on his scream. It was so funny that I couldn't hold in my laughter anymore, which made him turn back and glare at me. After controlling myself I smugly asked “So… you think you can just sneak up on me like this?”

“No- I was just going to wake you up… it’s christmas!” he said as if that explains everything.

I shook my head and stood up and just patted him on the back “Merry christmas lad” I wished him and led him out of the room towards the living room, where the christmas tree was set up, and beneath it were all the gifts too. Gently, I laid all of mine too and then just waited for the rest of the family while talking to Harry. Soon everyone was up and situated in the room ready to pass the gifts along. 

From other’s I got pretty normal things, like books, coats & shoes, watches, and many other things for my wardrobe, and of course, chocolates, lots of them. My gift to others were also fairly standard, like cloths and art pieces, all of them were custom made by me, and few other specific gifts like basilisk hide gloves for my mother, healing tomes and equipment, for my grandmother, ornate Lancaster repeater, which was charmed to shoot mild blasting hex for my grandfather, and a custom made broom for harry, which allowed me to make the `here, there and gone! It’s got the power of infinity and beyond` joke.

Harry also got the same anonymous gift which contained his invisibility cloak. We were almost done with all the gifts when a post owl came in with a gift and a letter addressed to Harry, after reading the letter he asked “Who is Remus Lupin?”

Okay what the fuck?? Why is he contacting him now?

Because it’s christmas?

‘What he means is, that lupin never contacted harry before in the original series, he met him for the first time in third year actually’

…maybe Dumbledore told him that he’s with a magical family?

‘maybe.’

“What is it?” I asked him, which prompted him to open the box, “Pictures of my parents.” Harry said with a delighted laugh, and shifted all his focus to them and left the letter alone, which my mother picked up to inspect, “What does it say?” I asked her to which she showed me the letter and said “That he’s back in Britain, and he’ll be seeing Harry very soon.”

Putting that on the back burner I waited for harry to be finished with photos, before giving him his last gift

“Here” i said pulling a book out of my pocket space, and handing it to him,

“What is this?” he asked curiously while opening it and reading it,

“This is the potter family grimoire”

“How did you get this?” my grandfather asked, astonished.

“Dumbledore had it.” I just shrugged and said mildly “He took a lot of things from that night for ... .safekeeping.”

“I’m pretty sure that this cloak–”

“Is from him, yes.”

The rest of the morning was spent trying to explain to harry what a grimoire is, and how to properly use it, it was a little hard considering that no one, except harry could read the bloody thing. After twelve Harry had to leave, as he was invited to Weasley's house. To be honest we both were invited, but I was already too tired from pulling an all-nighter, due to that my behaviour will look very rude right now if you don’t know me properly, so I stayed behind.

We were all sitting around in the dining room just sitting and talking merrily when I pulled another book from my pocket space “Well, now that he’s gone, I can give you all the real gift” 

“The real gift?” grandfather said with a sigh, but he was curious too. “son, you’ve given us more than enough”

“I know, but still” making the space on the table i placed the book in front of them “here”

“What is this?” “It feels… warm, like home.” my mother said, picking it up, she opened it and then immediately looked at me, probably because of the quote written in parseltongue that said ~May chaos take the world~ “what is this?”

“This is Fall family Grimoire” I said proudly, I was fucking proud of it! It was a big red leather bound book with gold details all over it, and the logo of elden ring right on the cover of the book, made out of gold. No one is going to know what it means for a very long time, and looks fucking cool. The same goes for the quote on the front, but it could be changed with a simple wave of my fingers. Right now it was just there out of respect for Kale.

His voice actor was sooo goood!!

‘Fromsoft really fucked up when they removed his lines from the game.’

“Cass, our family doesn’t have a grimoire yet. We’re still a very new family” my grandfather said with a chuckle as he took the book from my mother.

“I know, that’s why I made one.”

“So you made this?”

“And the spells that are written in it.” I was very excited for them to examine those. “I also placed a familial magic lock on it, apart from our family, no one can open it.”

“So why can’t I read it?” my grandmother asked curiously who was standing over grandfather’s shoulder reading the book.

“Oh fuck, i also wrote this book in parseltounge… I forgot that you aren’t one.” i knew we were forgetting something!! ‘Thanks for the heads up bitch’ “sorry grandma. I’ll make a translated version for you.”

“It’s fine Cass, don’t worry about it.” she just laughed and waved it away, but this is actually a necessary thing, future members of the family who do not have the parselmagic will need it.

“What are these spells? Expilliarmus? The spelling is wrong.” grandfather asked pulling me out of my plans

“Oh it is correct.” I said with a smile, looking at his confused expression I continued “this is not just a disarming spell, instead this is a very dark spell. When you cast this spell, it will shoot out just like a normal Expelliarmus, it’ll be the same colour, and it’ll disarm any one just like a normal spell, but after two hours this spell will start liquefying the organs of the victim.” and there it is the horrified look!

“Why would you make this?” mom asked in a sook voice, showing perfectly how bad this spell is.

“Because this will give us the perfect alibi, no one will know it was us who cursed the victim because by the time the liquefying process starts we won’t even be in the vicinity. If anyone checks our wand then it’ll show Expilliarmus, which will be mistaken for the original spell and no one will suspect us.”

“I gathered that much, but why did you make that spell, as in what prompted you to make such a thing?”

“I was bored” I just shrugged and answered with a smirk

“Stupafy?” grandfather asked after turning a few pages.

“Oh yeah, that spell also works just like a stunning spell, but as an added bonus, it forces the victim to relive their worst memories while they are unconscious or sleeping.” there’s an upgraded version of that spell too in there, I made both these spells while thinking about Scarecrow. Half of my spells are made based on powers of other superheroes or villains from DC, Marvel, Watch dogs, Elden ring, and many more games and other media.

“So it’s a nightmare spell?” he asked with raised eyebrows.

“Yup, but there’s no counter to it, it wears off on its own in about five days. It really depends on the caster.”

“Well this is somewhat tame.”

“Oh fuck no, I tired it on myself, it is hell.” I said with a little laugh, which was immediately cut off by my mother’s scream “Why would you try it on yourself?!”

“To make sure if it works.” I replied easily and saw them looking at the book and then me, and then I watched my mother get more angrier and concerned by the second. “oh no no no no, i didn’t use that one on me, i used it on an acromantula.” 

Sighing in defeat, grandfather turned a few more pages and asked “Andhera?”

“Your pronunciation is atrocious, but It means darkness in hindi, the spell will create a really dark environment around the caster, through which only they could see through.”

“That is actually a useful spell to be honest.”

“There are many spells like that.” I pointed out proudly again, which I did deserve a little actually, because I finally got a smile from the mom, “When did you even get time for all this?” she asked curiously, while tracing the logo on the front.

“I get bored easily.” I said waving my hand dismissively 

“You’re not neglecting your studies because of this, right?” she asked, suddenly getting serious and used her mom voice. She doesn’t use it with me often.

“....pfft! Of course not.” i said with a nervous chuckle. I’m definitely missing at least forty percent of my classes in school. Sure, teachers nag at me for attending their classes, but as long as I'm keeping up with the homework, they don’t really care. Especially when I know almost all of the first year material.  

“I would be very disappointed if you did. What is that song by the way?” 

“You can hear that?” looks like I loosened my grip a bit. “It’s from a game, but it’s just a part of the song called inner demons.”

“They make pretty good music for games in the future.” my grandfather said with an approving nod, so I played some more OSTs from more games like ‘burning desire’ from watch dogs 2, or ‘when the morning light shines in’ from far cry 5. 

It was almost three when Harry came back with a portkey.

“Hey! I’m back!”

“You took your time.” I commented as I saw him in the trademark Weasley sweater, with a big H in the front.

“Mrs. Weasley stopped me for lunch.” he said happily and then opened his bag and took out a wrapped gift “oh and she also gave this for you.” 

I knew what it would be before I opened it. “Oh this is too nice.” I said in a very badly disguised sarcastic tone as I held up a red sweater with a big c in gold.

“Right?! I got one too! Anyways, I'm gonna go and change.” man, that kid is way too excited for me.

“What was that?” mom asked the moment harry left the room

“What?”

“Oh this is too nice.”

“I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Do you have a problem with molly?”

“Girl, I've got a problem with both Molly and Arthur.” I tried to make it a joke, but it didn’t land I guess

“What? Why?”

“I didn’t mean it like that…” You did. “It's not as if I hate them or anything….” You do “yeah no okay, I hate them.”

“I ask again. Why?”

“I just hate parents like them, nothing else.”

“What are you talking about?! She’s one of the best mothers I've seen!” her eyes were wide in surprise by what I just said.

“To the first few and the last one? Sure! She’s great! But what about the middle ones?”

“What do you mean?” my grandmother asked, leaning forward in her chair a bit.

“She’s the kind of mother who just has kids and then favours a few of them and ignores the others! Just ask her about her children and she’ll start gushing about her Charlie, William, the perfect Percy and sweet little gin-gin. But what about twins and Ron? 

Twins never got any kind of attention from their parents because they are nothing special, two older brothers have already been the head boy and quidditch captains, the other older one is already topping every year he’s been in and now the little fucker is a prefect and already on his way to be a head boy, so obviously they are not special!” I exclaimed, wildly waving my hands around. “But they’ve already got each other so it’s not so bad for them, but then there’s ickle Ronniekins! The youngest of the brood, oh wait he’s not! Because there is someone younger than him, so he’s not even special like that!” I finished, again waving my hands around. “You know those twins are brilliant, absolutely amazing! But just to spite their mother they’ll open a joke shop, just to annoy her! And Ron? Well that kid’s life will get even worse now that Harry is there.” I finished and just sat back, letting them all digest what I was ranting about. 

After a few seconds Harry came down and asked what got us all so quiet, to which my grandfather just said ranting and then turned towards me “And what about Arthur?”

“That man is everything that I hate in a light wizard! That fucker looks at muggles as if they are some sort of cute little pets who need to be protected. He doesn’t understand that if those muggles ever find out about us then they will rip us to shreds! I mean people out there are killing each other based on skin colour! Just imagine what they’ll do to us if they ever find out that there’s an entire race of people who are not only different from them, but also hold significant power over them! And worst of all! That man is head of department of misuse of muggle artefact!”

“Hey! Don’t talk about Mr. Weasley like that. He’s really good at his job.” I don't know why, but Harry felt the need to get up and defend Mr. Weasley for some reason, but I was not in the mood so I just towards him and in the same biting tone asked him “Now how the fuck do you know that?”

“Ron told me.” he said slowly. Even he knew how weak that argument was.

“....Harry… Ron might’ve been a little biased bro. Plus, he’s a pureblood himself. Okay! A quick test, tell me, did he ask you the purpose of a rubber duck?”

“Yes.” even he Knew how bad it was now that he's thinking about it, if the grimace on his face is anything to go by.

“This is the question coming from a head of department of misuse of muggle artefact! If he don’t know the function of a rubber duck then how in the avocado fuck will he be able to tell that it is being misused?!” 

“But that’s why he was asking the question Cass.” my mother said gently.

“It shouldn’t be a fucking question! You know why? Because the function of a rubber duck is a fucking common sense!”

“These things are not clear to a pureblood Cass.”

“There! And that brings me to my second point! That position should’ve gone to a muggle born or a half-blood who would actually understand these sorts of things! But the pureblood bigotry shows its face again!”

“We are trying to change it Cass. But don’t worry what goes around, comes around.” grandfather said in an understanding tone while patting me on the back.

“Yes, the dildo of consequences rarely comes back lubed.” and my grandmother added with a completely straight face.

We were all pretty shocked by it, and were still trying to process the comment when we heard a post owl tapping on the window, holding a letter in its beak. Shaking her head in utter disappointment and bewilderment, my mother stood up and collected the letter. After feeding the owl some treats she opened the letter and we all watched as her shoulders drooped in disappointment.

“So… who fucked up now?” I asked yawning, but instead of replying she just handed me the letter.

It wasn’t really a letter, it was more of a note, a warning, a heads up. It simply read

He’s tying my hands. They are deciding to hold a closed hearing.

-B

I was way too sleep deprived to think of a plan at the moment, so I just burned the letter to ashes, which I also disappeared, and just said “well, it isn’t like we weren’t prepared for this.”

“You’re not wrong, but still, what are we gonna do?” she asked after a few seconds. To which I replied in my best Sean Mcloughlin  impression “there’s no fury great enough for the amount of bullshit that I'm about to unleash upon the world!!”

And with that I simply walked out of the dining room, towards my bedroom.

I have to ask….why? Just why?

‘I thought it would sound cool, guess i was wrong’

No-no, it sounded cool, no doubt about that. But the moment, I don't think that it was the right moment.

Should’ve said it in front of a huge crowd

‘Should’ve kept my mouth shut’