Sirius Black Is Not A Traitor.
Remus Lupin had just finished his third hour of weeping. His throat remained sour and dry, full of hiccups, not due to his passionate sessions but due to his yelling that was fully directed to the Headmaster of his school. A school with walls, laughter and pranks that were embedded into his brain. Laughter that used to erupt from his chest and rumbled through the halls of The School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Laughter that used to be a vicious poison in his mind before, a sliced up memory of people who no longer breathed and people who were backstabbing traitors.
That’s what he thought.
He stood in the quarters of the Headmaster’s office just a few hours before, his ears ringing, his chest heaving and his mind numb. Fists clenching and unclenching, his vision was compromised with black spots and waterworks that were about launch. He remembered the pathetic apologetic smile that Dumbledore gave him before he stormed out of the office, straight into the arms of his former professor, Minerva McGonagall. Obviously, he believed that she would directly shoo him away or dismiss him into his quarters, but at that time the Head of Gryfiindor had turned into Minnie McGonagall again.
Remus was held and soothed by her for Merlin knows how many hours as he became the same 11 year-old boy again.
The same 11 year-old boy that had a breakdown in front of his professor about his illness.
An illness that Sirius Black didn’t include in his dictionary as an illness.
Remus had spent years and years believing albeit painfully that Sirius Black did not deserve to live so better a torture spent at Azkaban. Years of loneliness and self-pity that he could no longer handle when he got to know that his best friend’s son, Harry James Potter, a mere 13 year old was, too–just like him, alone to handle his life’s unending marathon.
Protecting him from his former lo–best friend was what James would’ve wanted, right?
So he became Professor Lupin, a loved mentor and a fun teacher to all the kids of Hogwarts.
His thoughts used to burn him because everywhere he went his screaming pictures were there, and his heart strings tugged unpleasantly. Sirius Black used to be this impish, troubling yet loving ball of energy. He was disruptive, like fireworks on an exam night. He had this cocky smirk on his face that would make Remus want to punch him yet he loved him all the same. He had long unruly black locks that Remus wanted to run his fingers through.
He was warm and caring.
And he was his lo–best friend.
But instead, this man was looking like a serious delinquent, a screaming dark energy, a black shadow cast across his face and Remus could not think of what he went through.
He shuddered as he thought of all the Dementors at Hogwarts this year that he had witnessed, and it invaded most of his nightmares including with his disease. He could not imagine encountering them everyday for 12 years, a hellish playground for a man who did not do anything to deserve it.
Remus got up from his dulling position to get some water. Firewhiskey would help, is what Sirius would’ve said with the most sassy grin.
Remus felt some warmth building in him, sweet chitters blooming inside his stomach that tickled him.
Remus Lupin felt like he was 16 again.
When he got to know that escaped Sirius Black was now looming near Hogwarts he could not fathom what he was feeling. Fear, nervousness, relief were not to be put together. A part of him had thought that he was most glad that Sirius Black was near him. The smell of smoke and firewhiskey would hit him, the feeling of enjoyable trouble and the adrenaline of sneaking here and there. Of course, at the time he thought that he was sick to think of that. He could not be fraternizing with a criminal, much less a betraying little shit (pretty sure 5 foot 5) that backstabbed him and James, his best friend.
Remus sighed and drank the cold water, his cheeks drying.
Reminiscing over the old days was something Remus would completely avoid, but now it was inevitable.
Sirius Black had been in front of him, after the most ever-lasting years, watching in horror as Remus transformed into the beast that he believed himself to be. But Sirius was used to his horror, wasn’t he? He used to be in front of him just like that all those years ago, ready on his feet to spring into action. He used to turn into this majestic black dog, his padfoot, that was always there to protect him from himself. A force that would always keep him sane. An energy that made him feel happy and drew sunshine on all the darkness of his days. That night they fought and the next day, Remus’ stomach churned at the thought of what happened.
Remus had hurt Sirius.
And maybe the fact that this fucked up reunion was all he would get from him made him sob more. Would he see him again?
Would Sirius want to see Remus again?
He inhaled deeply, running his hands through his sandy hair. The former professor needed sleep, because before he knew it his cycle would start acting up. He went back to his bedroom, reminding him of the utter sadness that followed his life after James was gone and that bastard Peter went astray. He was the one that kept Sirius away from him, 12 fucking years of misery and a cold routine, without the feeling of a family, friends nor love.
Love.
Something Remus Lupin feared the most.
It was not an easy thing for Remus, meet a girl, be friendly, woo her, fall in love, marry.
Meeting a guy, who would be friendly, would woo him into the horizon and they would fall down the waterfall into a pool of love was out of the question.
An experience could not be repeated again.
That’s what Remus felt.
Not with anyone else at least.
He sniffled as his heart insisted on remembering the old days.
Days that he held closely to his heart, days that he would not forget, days that kept haunting him for the last 12 years.
They were not evergreen, no. They just existed and he could not do anything now that they were taken away from him because of a noseless wizard who had too much ego.
But when he saw him in front of him, he had forgotten all the rage and all he wanted was to hug him.
To tell him that he missed him.
That–
Remus shivered again, drawing his robe around him.
Walking in those halls was not easy, of course.
Because those were the halls where Sirius took his hand and ran. Where he promised to look after him. Where he told him that he was his Moony, and that he, himself was Remus’ Padfoot. Tables where they planned pranks. Food that Sirius had fed him because he refused to eat. A library where Sirius would not abandon him when he stayed there all day. Dorms that Sirius would carry a sleeping Remus to, when he would sleep in the library.
His face in the crook of his neck.
And maybe, Remus sometimes pretended that he was asleep because he wanted Sirius to carry him, where he could cuddle up, wrap his arms around his neck, and breathe in his cologne that faded away by the end of the day.
Little did lovesick Remus know that Sirius always knew that he was awake.
Remus helped Sirius in his studies and Sirius sneaked Remus into Honeydukes and bought him chocolates.
They used to make butterbeers in the kitchen at 2 am and drink them while listening to Lana Del Ray. Every night when they used to go stargazing, Remus pointed Sirius out. The constellation that shone brightest as the moon smiled back at it.
Remus looked through his window and stared at the sky again, hoping to see the same constellation and there it was, in all its glory. He shakily breathed. He was honestly surprised that James was the last to know. Alas, he was a bit too concentrated on something else as well as being a total bonehead. That arse was the last to know with his girlfriend somehow being the first. She always looked at them like she knew something anyway.
Remus didn’t know if James ever found out.
However, Remus was also one of the very late realizers.
All he wanted was to be near him.
He did enjoy their first kiss though.
Both were too enticed by Firewhiskey to remember the other events of the night. All he remembered was Sirius striding up to him fiercely, pulling him up to him and roughly pressing his lips to his. They molded perfectly, he thought. He tasted like citrus and it was intoxicating. Remus had whimpered into his mouth, hands meeting his soft, slight beard, to his neck and then to his beautiful locks. Their kiss was most passionate at first, then they slowed down, taking each other for every breath. Sirius had brushed his tongue against his lower lip, when the voltage in Remus’ body went higher. He had teasingly bit his lip when Remus had moaned for the first time. Sirius’ hands trailed everywhere, messing up his hair, tingling on his waist, tugging at the hem of the shirt.
He was everywhere.
And that’s how Remus wanted it to be.
He gazed at the scene in front of him, through the window.
The street lights lit up the eerie street he lived on. Withered trees stood stiffly accompanying the unmoving wind. No lights illuminated the houses on the block, probably because most of the families are out of town for their summers. Remus remembered how he, James and Sirius would meet at James house and plan the pranks for their next years. Mostly on Snape, because well, he was a git. And then the summers where Sirius would send him letters secretly and honestly, Remus thought, if Sirius ever had the chance he should’ve been a writer, because Remus would be enchanted by the words he used to describe all the sights.
It was probably because of all the books that he read, which Sirius would never admit, but Remus knew.
Remus wished he would just take him away from everything. His mother, his god awful sisters and all of the nightmares that he faced only when he wasn’t there. Sirius deserved more.
Remus deserved more.
They deserved each other.
Remus felt another sob coming in just when he heard a soft growl and then a bark. He saw a man walking on the porch in front of him, a black dog behind him. The dog wagged his tail enthusiastically, hopping here and there. And maybe it was because the dog’s hair was just as greasy as Sirius’ hair in the poster, but a feeling of deja vu went over him. Remus slightly smiled but then it dropped just as his heart did. Remus quickly closed the drapes, desperately hiding and cursed upon his stupidity. A soft blush spread across his nose and cheeks.
He is not Sirius.
But then why did the dog’s eyes look exactly like his when it looked at him, almost pointedly.
Almost hopefully.
Almost achingly.
Remus Lupin rolled his eyes and sniffled, his hands reaching for the drapes again. But when he peeked out of the window, the dog was gone and so was the man. He breathed, supposedly disappointed. Why would he be disappointed?
It was just a man and his pet taking a stroll in the middle of the night.
Remus heard a bark again.
Right?
Courage started building up in the werewolf’s chest. He needed a breather, some fresh air would do him good, right? He walked almost hurriedly, desperately holding his robe. Just as he reached his door he heard a gentle sniff and he melted. Why was he hesitating? Remus grabbed the cold metal of the door’s knob. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but in these wretched times who really did? He had lived his life not knowing what was going to happen, a game of perhaps, a game of fear, and one or two times or mainly every time he was with him, it was a game of adrenaline, risks and adoration.
What was another risk, right?
The door knob twisted and instead of pouncing on him, the black dog just stood there on its paws as if contemplating something. Remus crouched down, shooting him a questioning look. Remus reluctantly put his shaking hand forward, and the dog instead of taking it, he sniffed it. “Don’t bite,” Remus whispered, knowing a small tear is on the verge of rolling down his already tear stained cheek. The dog leaned its cheek on Remus’ palm and that’s all it took for Remus to break down. He closed his eyes and just sat there.
“I don’t even know if you’re him, but–” sniff, “I miss him. So much. Here I am using you as a delusion.” He wept quietly, not noticing the dog’s touch gone from his palm. Suddenly he was scooped up from his position. Remus felt a pair of soft, dried up lips pressed against his small scar, and then small pecks that wiped his tears of misery. Remus felt a rampage of butterflies going off in his stomach, just like when he was 16.
“Are you real?”
Remus felt two hands gently slipping across his waist, holding him right there. Grounding him, making him feel like he belonged. Just like all those years ago.
“I’m right here, darling.”
Remus opened his eyes, but they did not reach where he wanted them to. Instead, they were met with a slightly hairy chest that held tattoos that many people would claim distasteful. But Remus shakily ran his hands across them, trailing on their lines and designs just like he dreamt. He breathed shakily and melted right there into his comforting arms. “You still wear that god-awful cologne.” A chuckle rumbled in the room, vibrating on Remus’ body.
“You know you love it.”
Remus smiled. A smile that had disappeared for Merlin knew how many days. A smile that would decide the fate of the constellation that appeared every night in the sky, waiting to see it. To worship it. The werewolf finally let his eyes travel, taking over the fear he had, giving in. He didn't know why he gasped like that, but when his eyes met Sirius’ it felt as if the stars had blessed him with their touch. As if he was their chosen one. He was so mesmerized in those black eyes, the ones that he had fallen for. Ones that were wild, loving and hurting all at the same time.
Sirius pulled him in, closer and leaned in. His hands ghosted over Remus’ waist and then traveled across his back, leaving tingling sensations. He held Remus’ cheeks in his rough hands all over again, and pressed his lips to his.
It took both of their breaths away and he could almost feel the werewolf in Remus purr.
The soft and desperate kiss was all they needed. Both where they truly belonged. In each other’s arms.
He tasted the same.
They both pulled apart, a small whine from Sirius’ side, yet they both stayed together. Resting his head against the other’s, Remus flushed a deep crimson when Sirius licked his lips. He grinned gently. “Chocolate-y.”
Remus stifled a giggle.
Sirius looked at intently, as if Remus was an intricate design, an art in himself that he could stare at forever. “My Moony.”
There was a silence that held both of the creatures’ heart beats.
“Stay?”
“Always.”
Remus finally breathed calmly. Holding Sirius as if he was his oxygen, his breath. Because he was. Sirius was his everything. Sirius was his love.
Fallen down the waterfall again, I see?
“My Padfoot.”