Tied in Knots
THURSDAY. SEPTEMBER 9, 1971.
“Your friend seems mean.”
A green bean slips off of Lily’s fork. She frowns as she spears the vegetable again.
She knows who Mary is referring to, of course. But she resolutely does not sneak a glance at the Slytherin table where Sev is undoubtedly speaking to that Mulciber boy. She keeps her eyes firmly trained on her meal.
“I felt bad for him after the whole thing with his nose,” Mary goes on, her voice softer now that she’s seen the way Lily’s shoulders have tensed. “But you’ve got to admit he was a bit of a prick yesterday.” She says. “I mean, Black didn’t even do anything. Did he?”
“He messed up our potion,” Lily mumbles, stabbing at a carrot despite her sudden lack of appetite. “It probably wasn’t on purpose, though.”
In fact, Lily’s almost certain it wasn’t on purpose. Sirius had just made a simple mistake. It shouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. Lily knows that… but Sev must not.
That’s really the only possible explanation: Sev must have felt slighted somehow. He never would have said those things otherwise– never would have brought up Sirius’ family. She’s sure of it.
Mostly sure of it.
She hasn’t been able to get Sev alone long enough to get concrete confirmation.
Apparently, Sirius Black’s family is somewhat of a big deal. Severus has been swarmed with buzzing Slytherins ever since Sirius fled the scene. Lily would be happy for him if she weren’t so uneasy.
Mary’s eyes are locked on the Slytherin table. “I just think he should drop it, is all.”
“He has!” Lily snips, suddenly feeling very warm in the face. “It’s everybody else who hasn’t.”
Lily finally allows herself to take a peek. Sure enough, Sev is deep in conversation with the other Slytherin boys. One of them is laughing. They’re looking at Sirius. Lily’s chest tightens. She soldiers on.
“Honestly, Mary, you’re as bad as they are.” She says. “It’s none of our business.”
She regrets it as soon as she’s said it. She could kick herself. She’s only just made a friend in her house, and she’s already mussing it all up. Lily opens her mouth to backtrack, not to take it back– Lily doesn’t do that– but to soften her delivery a tad. But Mary just snorts.
“It might not technically be my business.” She agrees, though the way she says it makes that detail sound utterly unimportant. “But it’s yours a little bit, isn’t it?”
“No?”
“Sure it is.” Mary insists. “They’re both in your Potions group. It happened in Potions. And the guy being a prick is your best mate.”
“Don’t call him a prick.” Lily scowls. She pushes away her still half-full plate. It’s no use trying to eat right now. Stress makes her queasy. “He’s just sensitive.”
He always has been. He’d never admit to it, obviously. Lily’s not even sure if Sev is aware of just how sensitive he is. But she’s aware. She’d like to think she’s aware of just about everything when it comes to him. He’s her best friend.
Which is why, regardless of whether Lily agrees with her or not, she can’t let Mary Macdonald speak poorly about him.
“He means well,” Lily explains. She’s proud of herself for not flinching as the supper is replaced with pudding in an instant. “He even helped Trevor Gillybum with his brew.”
Mary seems unconvinced. She shakes her head as she cuts into a cake.
“But we’re not talking about Trevor.” She says. “We’re talking about Black.
“I’d prefer it if we weren’t,” Lily says honestly.
She’s thought about this enough. Truthfully, she’d like to chalk the entire incident up to a big misunderstanding and forget it ever happened. Sev would apologize later. He usually does when he’s in the wrong.
Not always, part of her singsongs. Not about Petunia.
She shakes the thought away quick as it arrives. What happened with Petunia wasn’t Sev’s fault. Not really. He hadn’t forced her to go looking in that drawer. He’d only wanted Lily to understand why Tuney was so cross with her.
“You shouldn’t make excuses for him, Lily.” Mary wrinkles her nose. The crinkles look out of place on her smooth skin. It upsets something in Lily’s stomach… or maybe that’s the green beans.
“I’m not making excuses!’ Lily doesn’t mean to sound so huffy. It just happens. “I’m giving explanations.”
Mary laughs at that, and it makes Lily’s stomach churn even harder.
“Alright. Can you explain why he decided to air out Black’s family business in front of the whole class?”
She isn’t being mean. Not on purpose, anyway. But Lily feels her eyes sting a little nonetheless. Her stomach is terribly unsettled. It's tying itself into a great big knot. She hates it. She just downright hates this entire situation; she hates even more that the only thing she can think to say is, “It wasn’t the whole class.”
That makes Mary laugh again. She shrugs, turning her focus back to her cake. The situation between Sirius Black and Sev never mattered all that much to Mary. It just made for good conversation.
But it matters to Lily. Of course it matters to Lily. Everything Severus does matters to Lily.
“Excuse me,” Lily says, climbing off the bench.
Mary’s eyebrows pinch together. “Did I upset you?” She asks through a mouthful of pudding. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Lily lies. “It’s nothing. I’ll see you back in the common room, yeah?”
Mary nods, but Lily doesn’t wait for her entire response. Instead, she makes a beeline for the Slytherin table. Logically, she’s aware no one is watching her, but that’s not enough to keep her skin from crawling as she passes the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws.
Sev is still talking to the boys from before. Only now, Bertram Aubrey, the boy James Potter punched, seems to be involved as well. Lily does her best to shake off the flitter of nerves that shoots through her as she approaches. It’s only Severus.
“Sev.” She clears her throat. Whatever conversation the boys were having stops dead in its tracks. Severus blinks up at her, surprised at her presence. “Could I borrow you for a second?”
He glances back at the other boys. It happens so quickly Lily might have imagined it. Then he nods, scoops the last of his bread pudding into his mouth, and stands.
“I’ll walk you back?” He offers.
Mary Macdonald has no clue what she’s talking about. Severus Snape is not mean. How could he be?
Lily nods. “Sure.”
The walk to Gryffindor Tower is quieter than their walks usually are. He doesn’t even chastise her for biting her nails. Maybe he can tell he’s in trouble. Maybe he’s just tired.
“Why did you say those things to that boy?” Lily finally asks.
Severus purses his lips. It makes him look so much older than he is. When it becomes clear that he doesn’t intend to answer, Lily presses on.
“It was mean, Sev. You shouldn’t have brought his parents into it.”
“You don’t understand.” He sighs. “He-”
“I understand enough to know that you didn’t have to do it in public.” She says sternly.
Severus listens to Lily. Sometimes, it feels like he’s the only person who listens to Lily. So when he frowns at her outburst, everything feels like it’s sliding back into place. He’s listening. Contemplating what she’s said.
He’s silent for a minute or so. Lily nearly gets nervous that he’s going to fight her on this. But then he nods.
“I’m sorry.” He says.
It’s not her he needs to apologize to. But it’s a start. It’s enough to loosen the knot in her stomach.
“Thank you.” She says. She can’t help the way a smile tugs at her mouth.
He smiles back at her. It’s soft and familiar, and the knot unties.