NIGHTMARES
I told Lyall i had a lot of homework to do, and that I’d filled up at La Push and didn’t want dinner. There was a basketball game on that he was excited about, though of course I couldn’t tell what was special about it, so he wasn’t aware of anything off about my face.
Once in my room, I locked the door. I dug through my desk until I found my old headphones, and I plugged them into my little CD player. I picked up a CD that Phil had given to me for Christmas. It was one of his favorite bands, but they were a little heavy for my taste. I stuck it into place and lay down on my bed. I put on the headphones, hit Play, and turned up the volume until it hurt my ears. I closed my eyes, and then added a pillow over the top half of my face.
I concentrated only on the music, trying to make out the lyrics, to unravel the complicated drum patterns. By the third time I’d listened through the CD, I knew all the words to the choruses, at least. I was surprised to find that I really did like the band after all, once I got past the blaring noise. I’d have to thank Phil again.
And it worked.
The eardrum-shattering beats made it impossible for me to think—which was the whole idea. I listened to the CD again and again, until I was singing along with all the songs, until, finally, I fell asleep.
I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Though part of my mind seemed to know that I was dreaming, most of me was just present in the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere nearby, and I knew that if I found the ocean, I’d be able to see the sun. So I was trying to follow the sound, but then James was there, tugging on my sleeve, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest.
“James? What’s wrong?” I asked. His face was frightened as he yanked on the fabric of my shirt, trying to tow me back into the dark.
“Run, Remus, you have to run!” he whispered, terrified.
“This way, Remus!” It was McKayla’s voice I heard now, calling from the thick of the trees, but I couldn’t see her.
“Why?” I asked, still pulling against James' grasp. Finding the sun was really important to the dream me. It was all I could focus on.
And then James dropped my arm—he let out a strange yelp and, suddenly shaking, he fell twitching to the ground. I watched in horror, unable to move.
“James!” I yelled, but he was gone. In his place was a big, red-brown wolf with black eyes. The wolf faced away from me, pointing toward the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling, low growls issuing from between his exposed fangs.
“Remus, run!” McKayla cried out again from behind me. But I didn’t turn. I was watching a light, coming toward me from the beach.
And then Sirius stepped out from the trees.
He wore a black shirt. It exposed his arms and his neckline. His skin was faintly glowing, and his eyes were flat black. He held up one hand and beckoned me to come to him.
The wolf between us growled.
I took a step forward, toward Sirius. He smiled then, and between his lips his teeth were sharp, pointed.
“Trust me,” he purred.
I took another step.
The wolf launched himself across the space between me and the vampire, fangs aiming for the jugular.
“No!” I shouted, wrenching upright out of my bed.
My sudden movement caused the headphones to pull the CD player off the bedside table, and it clattered to the wooden floor.
My light was still on, and I was sitting fully dressed on the bed, with my shoes on. I glanced, disoriented, at the clock on my dresser. It was five-thirty in the morning.
I groaned, fell back, and rolled over onto my face, kicking off my boots. I was too uncomfortable to get anywhere near sleep, though. I rolled back over and unbuttoned my jeans, yanking them off awkwardly as I tried to stay horizontal. I pulled the pillow back over my eyes.
It was all no use, though. My subconscious had decided to wallow in the word I’d been trying so hard to avoid. I was going to have to deal with it now.
First things first, I thought to myself, glad to put it off as long as possible. I grabbed my bathroom stuff.
Showering didn’t take very long. I couldn’t tell if Lyall was still asleep, or if he’d left already. I went to the window, and the cruiser was gone. Early-morning fishing again.
I dressed slowly in yesterday’s jeans and an old sweatshirt, and then made my bed—which was just stalling.
I couldn’t put it off any longer. I went to my desk and switched on my old computer.
I hated using the Internet here. My modem belonged in a museum, and my free service really proved that you got what you paid for. Just dialing up took so long that I decided to grab a bowl of cereal while I waited.
I ate slowly, so the last bites were too soggy to finish. I washed the bowl and spoon, then put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to pick up my CD player first, then wound up the headphones’ cord, and put them away in the desk drawer. I turned the same CD on, but turned it down till it was just background noise.
With a sigh, I turned to my computer, already feeling stupid before I could even finish typing the word.
Vampire.
I felt even more stupid looking at it.
The results were difficult to sift through. Most of it was entertainment —movies, TV shows, role-playing games, metal bands.… There were goth clothes and makeup, Halloween costumes, and convention schedules.
Eventually I found a promising site—Vampires A–Z—and waited impatiently for it to load. The final page was simple and academiclooking, black text on a white background. Two quotes greeted me on the home page:
Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both.—Rev. Montague Summers
If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of the vampires. Nothing is lacking: official reports, affidavits of wellknown people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the judicial proof is most complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires?—Rousseau
The rest of the site was an alphabetized listing of all the different myths of vampires found throughout the world. The first I clicked on, the Danag, was a Filipino vampire supposedly responsible for planting taro on the islands long ago. The myth continued that the Danag worked with humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood.
I read carefully through the descriptions, looking for anything that sounded familiar, let alone plausible. It seemed that most vampire myths focused on beautiful women as demons and children as victims; they also seemed like excuses created to explain away the high mortality rates for young children, and to give guys an excuse for infidelity. Many of the stories were about bodiless spirits and warnings against improper burials. There wasn’t much that sounded like the movies I remembered, and just a couple, like the Hebrew Estrie and the Polish Upier, who were even that interested in drinking blood.
Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci, a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human, the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight, and one other, the Stregoni benefici.
About this last there was only one brief sentence.
Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.
It was a strange relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that claimed the existence of good vampires.
Overall, though, there wasn’t much that fit with James' story or my own observations. I’d created a catalogue in my mind, and as I’d read I’d compared it with each myth.
Beauty, speed, strength, pale skin, eyes that shift color; and then James' criteria: blood drinkers, enemies of the werewolf, cold-skinned, and immortal. There were very few myths that matched even one factor.
And then another problem, one that I’d remembered from the horror movies that I’d seen and that was backed up by today’s reading—vampires couldn’t come out in the daytime, the sun would burn them to a cinder. They slept in coffins all day and came out only at night.
Annoyed, I snapped off the computer’s main power switch, not waiting to shut things down right. Through my irritation, I felt overwhelming embarrassment. It was all so stupid. I was sitting in my room, researching vampires. What was wrong with me?
I had to get out of the house, but there was nowhere I wanted to go that didn’t involve a three-day drive. I pulled on my boots anyway, unclear where I was headed, and went downstairs. I shrugged into my raincoat without checking the weather and stomped out the door.
Overcast, but not raining yet. I ignored my truck and started east on foot, angling across Lyall’s yard toward the nearby forest. It didn’t take long till I was deep enough that the house and the road were invisible, and the only sound was the squish of the damp earth under my feet.
There was a narrow trail that led through the woods here; it wound deeper and deeper into the forest, mostly east as far as I could tell. It snaked around the spruces and the hemlocks, the yews and the maples. I only vaguely knew the names of the trees around me, and all I knew was thanks to Lyall pointing them out to me from the cruiser window a long time ago. There were lots I didn’t know, and others I couldn’t be sure about, because they were so covered in green parasites.
I followed the trail as long as my anger pushed me forward. As that started to fade, I slowed. A few drops of moisture trickled down from the canopy above me, but I couldn’t be sure if it was beginning to rain, or if it was simply pools left over from yesterday, stored high in the leaves above, slowly dripping their way to the ground. A recently fallen tree—I knew it was recent because it wasn’t entirely carpeted in moss—rested against the trunk of another, creating a sheltered little bench just a few feet off the trail. I stepped over the ferns and sat down, leaning my hooded head back against the living tree.
This was the wrong place to go. I should have known, but where else was there? The forest was deep green and far too much like the scene in last night’s dream to make me comfortable. Now that there was no longer the sound of my soggy footsteps, the silence was piercing. The birds were quiet, too, the drops increasing in frequency, so it must be raining above. The ferns stood almost as high as my head, now that I was seated, and I knew someone could walk by on the path, three feet away, and not even see me.
Here in the trees it was much easier to believe the stupid words that embarrassed me indoors. Nothing had changed in this forest for thousands of years, and all the old myths and legends seemed much more likely in this ancient green maze than they had in my mundane bedroom.
I forced myself to focus on the two most important questions I had to answer.
First, I had to decide if it was possible that what James had said about the Blacks could be true.
Immediately, my mind responded with a loud and clear No. It was stupid to even consider the idea. These were silly stories. Just morbid old legends.
But what, then? I asked myself. There was no rational explanation for how I had survived the van. I listed again in my head the things I’d observed myself: the inhuman beauty, the impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold and back again, the pale, cold skin. And more—small things that registered slowly—how they never seemed to eat, the disturbing grace with which they moved. And the way he sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of the historical romances my mom loved than that of a twentyfirst-century classroom. He had skipped class the day we’d done blood typing. He hadn’t said no to the beach trip till I told him where we were going. He seemed to know what everyone around him was thinking…except me. He’d told me he was the villain, dangerous.… Could the Blacks be vampires?
Well, they were something. Something outside the boundaries of normal and sane was happening in this nothing little town. Whether it was James' cold ones or my own superhero theory, Sirius Black was not… human. He was something more.
So then—maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.
And then the most important question of all. What was I going to do about it?
If Sirius was a vampire—I could barely make myself think the word— then what should I do? Involving someone else was definitely out. I couldn’t even believe myself; anyone I tried to talk to about it would have me committed.
Only two options seemed practical. The first was to take his advice: to be smart, to avoid him as much as possible. To cancel our plans, and to go back to ignoring him as far as I was able. To pretend there was an impenetrable glass wall between us in the one class where we were forced together. To tell him he was right, and then never talk to him again.
And it hurt—just the idea—more than it should. More than I felt I could stand. I switched gears, skipping on to the next option.
I could do nothing different. After all, if he was something… sinister, he’d done nothing too bad so far. In fact, I would be a dent in Taylor’s fender if he hadn’t acted so fast. So fast, I argued with myself, that it might have been sheer reflexes. But if it was a reflex to save lives, how bad could he be? My head spun in circular questions, no answers.
There was one thing I was sure of, if I was sure of anything. The black dressed Sirius with the sharp teeth was just the embodiment of the word James had said, and not the real Sirius. Even so, when I’d shouted in horror as the werewolf lunged, it wasn’t fear for the wolf that had me screaming No. It was terror that he would be hurt. Even while he was calling to me with sharp-edged fangs, I was afraid for him.
And I knew that in that I had my answer. I didn’t know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew—if I knew— what could I do about it? Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic way his body pulled mine toward him, all I wanted was to be with hi right now. Even if… but I didn’t want to think the word again. Not here, in the silent forest. Not while the rain made it dark as dusk under the canopy and made noises like footsteps across the matted ground. I shivered and jumped up, worried that somehow the path would have disappeared with the rain.
But it was there, winding its way out of the dripping green gloom. I took longer strides now, and I was surprised, as I nearly ran through the trees, at how far I had come. I started to wonder if I was heading out at all, or following the path farther into the forest. Before I could get too panicky, though, I began to see some open spaces through the branches. And then I could hear a car passing on the street, and I was suddenly free, Lyall’s lawn under my feet.
It was just noon when I got back inside. I went upstairs and got dressed for the day, clean jeans and a t-shirt, since I was staying indoors. It didn’t take too much effort to concentrate on my task for the day, a paper on Macbeth that was due Wednesday. I settled into outlining a rough draft, more relaxed than I’d felt since… well, since Thursday afternoon, if I was being honest.
That had always been my way, though. Making decisions was the painful part for me, the part I agonized over. But once the decision was made, I just followed through—relieved that the choice was made. Sometimes the relief was mixed with despair, like my decision to come to Forks. But it was still better than wrestling with the alternatives.
This decision was almost too easy to live with. Dangerously easy.
The rest of the day was quiet, productive—I finished my paper before eight. Lyall came home with a large catch, and I made a mental note to pick up a book of recipes for fish while I was in Seattle next week. The spikes of adrenaline I felt whenever I thought of that trip were no different than the ones I’d felt before I’d taken my walk with James. They should be different, but I didn’t know how to make myself feel the right kind of fear.
I slept dreamlessly that night, beat from getting up so early. For the second time since arriving in Forks, I woke to the bright yellow light of a sunny day. I staggered to the window, stunned to see that there was hardly a cloud in the sky. I opened the window—surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, though I hadn’t opened it in who knows how many years—and sucked in the relatively dry air. It was nearly warm, and hardly windy at all. My blood drummed in my veins.
Lyall was finishing breakfast when I came downstairs, and he picked up on my mood immediately.
“Nice day out,” he commented.
“Yeah,” I agreed with a grin.
He smiled back, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges. When he smiled big like that, it was easier to imagine him as the man who had impulsively married a beautiful girl he barely knew when he was only three years older than I was now. There wasn’t much of that guy left. He’d faded over the years, like the curly brown hair had receded from his forehead.
I ate breakfast with a smile on my face, watching the dust motes stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window. Lyall called out a goodbye, and I heard the cruiser pull away from the house. I hesitated on my way out the door, hand on my rain jacket. It would be tempting fate to leave it home. I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I’d seen in months.
After a short battle, I was able to get both windows in the truck almost completely rolled down. I was one of the first ones to school; I hadn’t even checked the clock in my hurry to get outside. I parked and headed toward the picnic benches on the south side of the cafeteria. The benches were still damp, so I sat on my jacket, glad to have a use for it. My homework was done, but there were a few Trig problems I wasn’t sure I had right. I took out my book, but halfway through rechecking the first problem my mind was wandering, watching the sunlight play on the red-barked trees. I sketched mindlessly along the margins of my homework. After a few minutes, I realized I’d drawn five pairs of dark eyes staring off the page at me. I scrubbed them out with the eraser.
“Remus!” I heard someone call, and it sounded like McKayla. I looked around to see that the school had filled with kids while I’d been sitting here. Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn’t be over sixty. McKayla was coming toward me in a skirt that only reached the middle of her thighs and a tank top.
“Hey, McKayla,” I answered.
She came to sit with me, the sun shimmering off her freshly straightened hair, a grin stretching across her face. She was so happy to see me, I couldn’t help but feel responsive.
“Great day, isn’t it?”
“My kind of day,” I agreed.
“What did you do yesterday?” There was an annoying sense of ownership in her question, and it reminded me of what James had said on Saturday. People thought I was her boyfriend because that was what McKayla wanted them to think.
But I was in too good of a mood to let it get to me now. “I mostly worked on my essay.”
“Oh yeah—that’s due Thursday, right?”
“Um, Wednesday, I think.”
“Wednesday?” Her smile disappeared. “That’s not good. I guess I’ll have to get to work on that tonight.” She frowned. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.”
“Oh.” I was thrown. Why couldn’t I ever have a conversation with McKayla anymore without it getting awkward?
“Well, we still could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later.” She smiled at me hopefully.
“McKayla…” Here comes the guilt, I thought. “I don’t think that would be the best idea.”
Her face fell.
“Why?” she asked, her eyes guarded. My thoughts flashed to Sirius, and I wondered if McKayla was thinking the same thing.
“Look, I’m breaking all kinds of man codes telling you this, so don’t rat me out, okay?”
“Man codes?” she repeated, mystified.
"Peter’s my friend, and if I went out with you, well, it would upset him.”
She stared at me.
“I never said any of this, okay? It’s your word against mine.”
“Peter?” she asked, her voice blank with surprise.
“Seriously, are you blind?”
“Oh,” she exhaled—looking dazed. Time to escape.
I stuffed the book in my bag. “I don’t want to be late again. I’m already on Mason’s list.”
We walked in silence to building three, her expression distracted. I hoped whatever thoughts she was immersed in were leading her in the right direction.
When I saw Peter in Trig, he was just as fired up by the sunny day as I was. He, Alice and Logan were headed into Port Angeles to catch a movie and then him and Logan wanted to order corsages for the dance, and I was invited. I was indecisive. It would be nice to get out of town, but Logan would be there. And who knew what I might be doing tonight.… But that was definitely the wrong thing to think about. Of course I was happy to see the sun again.
But that wasn’t totally responsible for the mood I was in, not even close.
So I gave him a maybe, lying about homework I had to catch up on.
Finally we were on our way to lunch. I was so anxious to see not just Sirius, but all the Blacks, that it was almost painful. I had to compare them with the suspicions that were haunting me. Maybe, when we were all together in one room, I would be able to feel sure that I was wrong, that there was nothing sinister about them. As I walked through the doors into the cafeteria, I felt the first tremor of actual fear roll through my stomach. Would they be able to know what I was thinking? And then a different feeling hit my stomach—would Sirius be waiting for me again?
As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Blacks’ table. I felt a small rush of panic when I saw that it was empty. With fading hope, I scoured the rest of the cafeteria, hoping to find him there alone. The place was nearly filled—Spanish had run over—but there was no sign of Sirius or any of his family. Just like that, my good mood was reversed.
We were late enough that everyone was already at our table. I vaguely noticed that McKayla had saved a seat for Peter, and that his face lit up in response.
Alice asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while my mood was spiraling lower and lower. She invited me to go with them tonight, too, and I agreed now, looking for any distraction.
What if, somehow, Sirius knew what I’d done this weekend? What if digging deeper into his secrets had triggered his disappearance? What if I’d done this to myself?
I realized I’d been holding on to a little bit of hope when I walked into Biology, saw his empty seat, and felt a new wave of disappointment.
The rest of the day dragged. I couldn’t follow the discussion in Biology, and I didn’t even try to keep up with Coach Clapp’s lecture on the rules of badminton. I was glad to finally leave campus, so I could stop pretending I was fine until it was time to go to Port Angeles. But right after I walked through my front door, the phone rang. It was Peter, canceling our plans. I tried to sound glad that McKayla had asked him to dinner, but I think I sounded irritated. The movie got rescheduled to Tuesday.
Which left me with no distractions. I put some fish in a marinade and then finished up my new homework, but that only took a half hour. I checked my e-mail and realized I’d been ignoring my mom. She wasn’t happy about it.
>>Mom,
Sorry. I’ve been out. I went to the beach with some friends. And I had to write a paper.<<
My excuses were pretty pathetic, so I gave up on that.
>>It’s sunny outside today—I know, I’m shocked, too—so I’m going to go outside and soak up as much Vitamin D as I can.
Love you, Remus.<<
I had a small collection of my favorite books that I’d brought to Forks, and now I grabbed Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, plus an old quilt from the linen cupboard at the top of the stairs.
Outside, I threw the quilt into the middle of the sunniest spot in Lyall’s small square yard, then threw myself on top of it. I flipped through the paperback, waiting for a word or phrase to catch my interest— usually a giant squid or narwhal would be adequate—but today I went through the book twice without finding anything intriguing enough to start me reading. I snapped the book shut. Fine, whatever. I’d get a sunburn instead. I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes.
I tried to reason with myself. There was no need to freak out. Sirius had said he was going camping. Maybe the others had been planning to join him all along. Maybe they’d all decided to stay an extra day because the weather was so nice. Missing a few days wasn’t going to affect any of his perfect grades. I could relax. I would see him again tomorrow for sure.
Even if he, or one of the others, could know what I was thinking, it was hardly a reason for skipping town. I didn’t believe any of it myself, and it wasn’t like I was going to say anything to someone else. It was stupid. I knew the whole idea was completely ridiculous. Obviously, there was no reason for anyone—vampire or not—to overreact.
It was just as ridiculous to imagine that someone could read my mind. I needed to stop being so paranoid. Sirius would be back tomorrow. No one had ever found neuroticism attractive, and I doubted he would be the first.
Mellow. Relaxed. Normal. I could handle that. Just breathe in and out.
The next thing I was aware of was the sound of Lyall’s car turning onto the bricks of the driveway. I sat up, surprised that the light was gone and I was deep in the shadow of the trees now. I must have fallen asleep. I looked around, still half out of it, with the sudden feeling that I wasn’t alone.
“Lyall?” I asked. But I could hear his door slamming in front of the house.
I jumped up, feeling edgy and also stupid for feeling that way, and grabbed the quilt and my book. I hurried inside to get some oil heating on the stove; thanks to my nap, dinner would be late. Lyall was hanging up his gun belt and stepping out of his boots when I came in.
“Sorry, dinner’s not ready yet—I fell asleep outside.” I yawned hugely.
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I wanted to catch the score on the game anyway.”
I watched TV with Lyall after dinner, for something to do. There wasn’t anything on I wanted to watch, but he knew I didn’t care about baseball, so he turned it to some mindless sitcom that neither of us enjoyed. He seemed happy, though, to be doing something together. And it felt good, despite my idiotic depression, to make him happy.
“FYI, Dad,” I said during a commercial, “I’m going to a movie with some of my friends from school tomorrow night, so you’ll be on your own.”
“Anyone I know?” he asked.
Who didn’t he know here?
“Peter Pettigrew, Alice Fortescue, and Logan whatever-his-last-name-is.” “Mallory,” he told me.
“If you say so.”
“Fine, but it’s a school night, so don’t go crazy.”
“We’re leaving right after school, so we won’t be too late. You want me to put something out for your dinner?”
“Remus, I fed myself for seventeen years before you got here,” he reminded me.
“I don’t know how you survived,” I muttered.
Everything felt less gloomy in the morning—it was sunny again—but I tried not to get my hopes up. I dressed for the warmer weather in a thin sweater—something I’d worn in the dead of winter in Phoenix.
I had planned my arrival at school so that I barely had time to make it to class. My mood quickly deteriorated while I circled the full lot looking for a space… and also searching for the silver Volvo that was clearly not there.
It was the same as yesterday—I just couldn’t keep little sprouts of hope from budding in my mind, only to have them squashed painfully as I searched the lunchroom in vain and sat at my empty Biology table. What if he never came back? What if I never saw him again?
The Port Angeles plan was back on again for tonight, and it was all the more welcome because Logan couldn’t make it. I couldn’t wait to get out of town so I could stop glancing over my shoulder, hoping to see him appearing out of the blue the way he always did. I committed to being in a good mood so that I wouldn’t annoy Peter and Alice. Maybe I could find a decent bookstore while I was out. I didn’t want to think that I might be looking alone in Seattle this weekend. He wouldn’t really cancel without even telling me, would he? But then, who knew what social rules vampires felt compelled to follow?
After school, Peter followed me home in his old white Mercury so that I could ditch my truck, and then we headed to Alice’s. She was waiting for us. My mood started to lift as we drove out of the town limits.