The day had passed slowly, and Remus found himself constantly zoning off, trying to make sense of the past twenty-four hours. He was surrounded by empty bottles of fire whisky and a headache. James Potter, the boy who had always been the fullest of life, had been found dead.
Looking back he had always taken his friendship with James for granted, he was a werewolf and should have never made it this far in life. If the healers had their way, he would’ve died when he was five. And here he sat, sixteen years later wishing they had killed him then. If he was dead then it’d all be easier. Only one thought had echoed in his head for the past couple of hours, ‘James Potter had been murdered and it was my fault.’
He didn’t even want to think about Lily Evans. The most beautiful and kind girl that Remus knew. The girl who cared so much about others that it scared Remus because he was never able to love as much as she or James could. Nobody Remus knew could even become close to being as amazing as Lily. Even when she was mad at James for bothering Severus, she would take care of them all when they were drunk. Because if anything were to happen to them she would never forgive herself. She and James didn’t deserve any of it.
But maybe that's not how life is supposed to work, Remus thought. Those who deserve something just get it taken away, and you’re left with the mess-ups, the one who doesn’t deserve to live - the crazy children of the night.
Sirius was home too. It was just them at their flat, alone in the wreckage of the world, they both had just wanted one more moment with James and Lily. Remus shot him a glance praying that he didn’t notice. Sirius looked entirely numb, perhaps thinking that if he ignored it then nothing happened. Remus knew it was selfish of him not to talk, Sirius had tried to start several small conversations throughout the day. Not even daring to mention the news of James and Lily.
It was just them together. Peter had disappeared a month prior, telling them that he was going into hiding. No one could blame him. The state of the world was horrible and it had just been getting worse and worse, Voldemort was gaining more and more power. With each day going by it was getting harder and harder to have faith in Dumbledore. So there they sat. The remaining members of the marauders were a werewolf boy who had never thought of life too fondly and a star boy who had only enjoyed life with his friends. Alone, in the remainder of their world.
“We can’t keep doing this, Moons,” Sirius glanced over at him from across the room.
“Not sure I know what you mean,” Remus replied, voice hoarse.
“I just,” Sirius paused for a moment, changing his mind on what he was going to say. “Can’t believe they're gone.”
“Here here,” Remus replied, raising an empty bottle and bringing it back down with a sigh. “Fucking losing my mind.”
“I just,” Sirius sighed. “It’s Peter. I just thought it would be safer if he was the keeper, but…”
Remus looked up at him, “What did you just say?”
“Peter. It’s his fault.“
With the shock of the past day, Remus hadn’t thought much about who was at fault. He blamed himself, for not being at the Potter’s, but he hadn’t thought about the details of it. But now that Sirius mentioned this, he knew that he was sitting in the same room as the one to blame. “It’s not Peter's fault,” Remus said eyeing Sirius as he stood up, hand clenching his cane. He went closer to Sirius but stopped a couple of feet before him. Sitting on the couch and wincing as he did so, the full moon was only a couple of days away and he was beginning to feel the toll of it on his body.
Remus was looking at him with a new understanding in his eyes. He had forgotten that Sirius was the Potter's secret keeper, and now that he remembered, rage had filled him. As he felt the anger, he also felt magic. As if it was easier to use. He often felt this way right before and after a full moon. Though he normally didn’t like the feeling of his wonky magic, it had calmed him that it was there. As if it was an old friend he could always rely on.
“N- No,” Sirius could recognize the tone used in Remus’ voice any day. It was the same voice he used after The Prank. “We switched secret keepers, we thought that it would be more hidden.” Sirius’ voice came out more begging, wanting nothing more than Remus to believe him
“You’re lying,” Remus spat at him. “Finally deciding to follow in your family's footsteps?” He had inquired with raised eyebrows. He knew it was a low blow, that there were a million other things he could’ve said to get his point across. It was in times like this that Remus realized he really could be a monster.
“I am not lying,” Sirius replied, tossing his hands into the air. He figured it was better to just ignore what Remus had said, though it still stung. “I don’t know what you want from me, I can’t go back and change it- believe me I wish I could change it.”
“Why did you do it? Why did you choose to betray us? Your friends? James, someone who was practically your brother? Why did you betray him?” Remus asked, pushing harder and harder.
“I didn’t mean to,” Sirius choked out, unable to look at Remus.
“How the hell do you accidentally betray someone? How are you accidentally the cause of their death?”
“I thought Peter would be safe! That he would be a better option.”
“Well, obviously he wasn’t. Glad to know you’d trust him over your boyfriend for the past, bloody what was it? Five years?”
“It was Peter,” Sirius’ voice was getting louder now, as it normally did in an argument when he felt like no one was listening to him.
“Why did you pick Pete then? Why not me? Or Mary?”
Mary… Even just saying her name stung. Remus hadn’t thought of her in a while. She had left after Dorcas and Marlene died. Saying that it was paining her too much to stay and that she needed out. They hadn’t been in touch and Remus regretted that more than he wanted to let on. Last he knew she was dating someone. And she was happy. Maybe not as much as she used to be, but she was doing better. That’s all that matters.
“Mary is gone, Moony,” Sirius said, bringing his voice down.
“Then what about me?”
“You… You seemed unavailable at the time.”
“That’s bullshit, Black.”
Sirius had his hands going through his hair trying to calm himself. He was frowning and on the verge of tears. Remus was sitting near him, at the edge of their couch. Cane resting on his lap, tears streaming down his face, eyes glossed over.
“Fine then- Bloody hell, I thought you were the traitor, okay?” Sirius said quickly, refusing to meet Remus’ eye.
Remus let out a shaky breath, “It's because I’m a fucking werewolf isn’t it? Isn’t it?” He repeated louder when there was no answer the first time.
“You have to understand-“
“Understand what? That I’m supposed to be okay with you just thinking that I was working for the fucking guy who just killed my best friend? Yes, I completely understand Sirius. You trust me, but I’m a werewolf, so it doesn't matter. You love me, but I’m a werewolf, so it doesn’t matter. Fuck you, Black.” Remus had gotten up from the couch and made his way toward the door.
“Remus, please-“ Sirius was in tears, he had also made his way toward Remus but had kept his distance. Just as he had reached Remus, he left slamming the door shut. Leaving their shared flat.
Sirius sank to the ground, head in hands, and sobbed. Letting the memories of his school years play through his head - he would give anything to be able to go back to those days, wishing he could tell that foolish teenage boy not to make the same mistake as him.
As much as he wished he could only focus on the memories of school, details of the other night played through his head. How he had the horrible feeling that something even more horrible had happened. He had used his motorbike that Remus always complained about, how much he would give to argue about something as insignificant as that again.
The door had been blasted back, and a dreary grey had taken over the normally bright vibe that came with the Potter's house. Right as Sirius had stepped into the room he noticed everything. The way there was still tea out. Harry’s toys were still scattered across the room. The way James' wand was sitting next to the table, not with him. And the most haunting, the way James' dead body lay perfectly still - It was a sight that would haunt Sirius forever.
Sirius could’ve stayed there with his best friend forever, he didn’t want to leave him. But he had to keep going, had to figure out what else happened. Lily was sprawled out across the floor of Harry’s nursery. Her hair draped her eyes, still wide open.
“Harry,” Sirius had croaked out between sobs when he finally made his way to the baby.”Oh, Harry.”
“Sirius Black?” A deeper voice had asked from behind him, startled Sirius had jumped around, Harry in his arms. “I’ve got to take Harry.”
“N- no.” The thought of possibly losing more tonight pained Sirius.
“Professor Dumbledore needs him, and wants to bring him to his cousin's house to stay.”
“I’m his godfather, he should be my responsibility.”
“I think in your position, Dumbledore would like to avoid that.. he is doing everything in his power to keep Harry safe.“
“So I’m not safe?” Sirius was in tears. Holding Harry tight right near his chest.
“No no,” Hagrid had moved closer, “I’m sure he just wants to give you time to mourn, then after you can take him.”
“Right… You can take my motorbike.”
Looking back, Sirius wished he had fought just a bit more for immediate custody of Harry. He knew how much Lily had complained about Petunia and how bad of a person she had married, but at the moment Sirius could think of nothing other than the loss of his closest friend. He was scared that Harry would be raised poorly and suffer through an abusive childhood just as he did, and could only hope for someone to be stronger than he had and get him out of there sooner rather than later.
It had been a couple of hours later when Remus had gotten back. He had a couple of chocolate bars in his hands and gave one to Sirius who gratefully accepted.
He took a deep breath, and while avoiding eye contact said, “You have five minutes, Pads.”
Sirius opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. “Right, so… Growing up, in that house. Well, regardless of how much I shut out - it’s abuse going on. And, it’s horrible. I thought that by rebelling and leaving I would be protecting myself but that hasn’t worked at all. Thought I was immune to it, I guess.
“I saw how it affected Regulus. Wish I could go back now and change it - I guess that’s all my life is right now - a list of regrets. But it is mental abuse. They brainwash you. I never really thought much about you being a werewolf, to be honest. But, you can’t get rid of the brainwashing. I guess that is the reason I thought it was you. I don’t even want to try to find an excuse for it. I’ve had enough with excuses.”
“That's it?” Remus questioned.
“That's it,” Sirius affirmed, moving closer and trapping Remus in a large hug - which had startled him at first, but as he began to sink into the hug, he had begun to lose control of his emotions.
Remus wasn’t particularly happy with the situation that he was currently in with Sirius - but they had lost two of their closest friends; so the fine details didn’t matter to him. He just needed comfort, and Sirius was in the same boat. He still felt betrayed, and very well knew that Sirius could be the reason for their murder, but he needed to cling to the little hope he had left.
They had an odd sort of relationship with each other that way. They knew that the other had gone through so much and that they would need support throughout tough times. Often they would pause their fighting for comfort from one another, which didn’t always go flawlessly, but it was what they needed.
So there they sat. Comforting each other, in a situation no one had expected they would go through - and the only people they had left who could help heal the pain, were each other. They had both lost pieces of themselves when they learned that James and Lily had died, and they wanted to try to protect each other from also losing each other.
Remus knew that Sirius wasn’t even close to one hundred percent - hell he doubted he could even be at fifty right now. But the odd part was how Sirius was acting. Yes, he did just go through something horrible, but often when something traumatic happened at Hogwarts he would try to ignore it and act as if nothing had happened. Often planning an elaborate prank after a particularly bad conversation with his parents.
Sirius was not his normal chatty self and that had worried Remus. He didn’t want to bring anything up out of fear of things getting worse, but he also knew things would not get better with Sirius if he ignored them.
“Want to listen to Hunky Dory?” Remus asked. Sirius had almost laughed at this question - throughout Hogwarts ‘Hunky Dory’ had been their comfort album, something that they listened to twenty-four seven, much to the dismay of Peter. It was what they first bonded with in the first couple years of Hogwarts and it was something that they would always treasure together.
“Yeah sure,” Sirius replied, barely looking up from where his eyes were focused on the ground.
“C’mon Pads,” Remus said, making his way over to him, motioning for him to get up and when he did so he placed his arms over Sirius’ shoulders. He then brought Sirius to the middle of the room, where there was more space, and they swayed along to the music together.
Hunky Dory is not an album that many people listen to and begin to cry to, but this album meant something to the young Marauders. The first time they listened to it, James and Sirius had blared it throughout the whole common room. Remus had sat, pretending not to notice what they were playing, but his curiosity got the better of him - closing his eyes and imagining the stories shared throughout each song. And since then, it has become the Marauder's comfort album. Dozens of other scenes with the Marauders had filled Remus’ memory when listening to Hunky Dory, and he knew the same was happening to Sirius.
Sirius had tried to focus on Remus, rubbing small circles into his back and watching the tears stream down his face. He knew that Remus and him were going through the same thing but it seemed like an impossible subject to talk to him about.
The next couple hours had passed similarly to the previous, them both comforting each other in the small ways they knew how to. As if hiding from everyone would protect them from the reality of the situation.
Throughout those couple hours, Sirius had been having an endless internal debate with himself about whether to confront Peter or not. The knowledge that Peter was the real traitor was something that Sirius had been trying to block off. It was because of him that Peter was the secret keeper, which meant it was also his fault that James and Lily were dead.
He wanted to help Remus more, but he also wanted to make Peter pay. If he could just figure out how to get him to confess. He didn’t entirely know what he would do when he saw him, and he didn’t entirely trust his instincts. The Prank still resided in his head - when he had betrayed all of his friends, and he did not want to do something like that again.
But he needed to make Peter feel as guilty as he did. He knew where Peter was, after all that bastard had made him his secrets keeper. He deserved to know he was wrong.
“I have to find Peter, Remus.”
“Can’t we just stay here? Together?” Remus asked, bending down and kissing his cheek
“I want to check up on him,” Sirius decided, clenching his wand in his pocket. “I’ll be back later, alright? Try to drink some water.”
“Please be careful, Sirius.”
But Sirius had left too quickly to say goodbye.
-
Remus had been driving himself crazy. It had been multiple hours since Sirius had left and there was no more liquor in the house to take his mind off where Sirius could be. Instead, he was left with a pounding headache and a strong buzz of magic in him. His magic was still acting as if it were more powerful than his heartbeat - and it was times like this when he began to believe it.
The main problem when the magic felt this way was that Remus could not control his emotions. If anything, his mind raced more and more when his magic acted this way. He hated it. But something about it kept Remus hungry for more of it. At times, he felt no one could understand or help him through it, but then there was James. James’ head was constantly racing, and he supported Remus when he was driving himself crazy.
The night and day before The Prank, Remus had felt the same way about his magic. It was the same overwhelming urge that something was wrong. He knew that it most likely meant that something was wrong with Sirius, but he didn’t have it in him to figure out what it was. Sirius was his and he was Sirius’, and he would rather die than go through another betrayal from him.
It had been twelve hours, and Sirius still hadn’t come back. Reluctantly, Sirius decided to leave his flat, trying to find him and convince him to go home.
He had been out for around a half hour before finding a muggle street that was completely blocked off. There was a giant explosion in the ground, and there was no trace of any live people. However, there was an insane amount of bodies, maybe eleven or twelve. Remus searched the area, trying to find out if Sirius was there. Trying to ignore looking at the pile of dead bodies. Meaning that he missed the rat that ran by his feat. Many aurors were huddled around, but there were also muggle police who looked extremely confused about what happened. There was a reporter here, too. Writing away as fast as they could, their eyes shining with excitement.
Probably excited about his first big break in journalism, Remus thought grimly. His late mom, Hope, had also been a journalist, and he had many memories filled with her worried about where her next paycheck would come from. The memories had oddly given a small sense of comfort to Remus.
As Remus approached he knew that something was wrong, he felt himself grip his cane harder and swallow thickly, “What the hell happened?”
“Oh! Mr. Lupin! It’s wonderful to see you here! Have you considered officially adding your name to the werewolf registry?” A smaller auror had asked him with a smile plastered on his face. Remus didn’t care about how he had meant to come off, he found the question rude and frowned at the man. Many people in the auror department knew he was a werewolf because of The Prank. It was mandated to be reported to the ministry and though they tried to take action against it, Dumbledore had fought for Remus to stay. Meaning that in the year that followed when Dumbledore asked Remus to try and recruit werewolves for the war, Remus couldn’t say no. Because where would Remus be if it weren’t for Dumbledore?
“Still not doing it.”
“Okay! I just think-“
“Fuck off. What the hell happened?”
“Oh, haven’t you heard? It’s horrible.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “I don’t know what had happened, because I keep on asking you despite how annoying this conversation is.”
“Right! You’ve heard of... Sirius Black, right?” The auror lowered his voice when he said Sirius, as if bringing it up would make him appear.
“Yes, I’ve heard of Sirius.” Remus’ knuckles on his cane were white. The auror was elongating this too much and he needed to know where Sirius was. His headache wasn’t helping the situation either.
“He sold out the Potters, you know. He’s the reason why they’re dead. And he came here to finish off his other friend - what's his name? Petey? Killed twelve muggles, and Petey. All that was found of Petey was his finger. Say, have you heard of their-”
Remus felt his stomach drop, and again his grip on his cane tightened - feeling as if he would drop dead any second. “W- What happened to Black?“
“Sent to Azkaban for all of eternity, I suspect. Though he deserves it - the reason 15 people are dead.”
“You’re out of your mind, it wasn’t Sirius.”
“We saw him... You think we’re lying about it?”
“Yes, I do think you’re lying. Because it wasn’t Sirius, it was Peter Pettigrew.”
The auror laughed in his face, “Peter Pettigrew is dead! I’ve told you, mate!”
“But it’s not Sirius’ fault he is dead.”
The ministry worker laughed, “Dunno why you’re so consistent with this. It is his fault, alright?”
Remus was biting his tongue, beginning to taste the metallic taste of his blood. He knew how this situation seemed to the public, but they didn’t know. They didn’t know how Sirius switched secret keepers to Pete. But, what if Sirius had been the one lying? It wouldn’t have been the first time he had been lied to, nor would it be the first time Sirius had used him for his gain.
He didn’t know who to believe. James and Lily are dead and it’s Sirius’ fault. Or is it Peters? He had no one to ask, the only one that would know the truth would be James. But James was dead. His thoughts continued to dart around his head, making his breathing quicken and his heart rate increase.
Wanting to take his frustration out on something, he walked up to the continuously blabbering auror, who laughed nervously at him when he approached. Remus took one look at his face and brought his arm swinging into his head.
He felt the hard face of the man hit his palm, but directly after he felt a cold wave cover his body, they had hit him with a stunning spell. He could not move, which was not helping his anxiety. He needed to get out of there, but there was nowhere else to go. He tried to shut his eyes but failed. He was completely freezing, meaning he was forced to watch as they dragged him to a small plan bedroom and locked him up.
-
He was passed out for the next full day, and when he woke up Pomfrey stood above him tending to the cuts on his fist. “Oh Remus,” She said, looking caringly over at the boy. Throughout his time at Hogwarts Poppy and Remus had built a mother-son relationship, and Poppy had become rather protective of him.
“Hi Poppy,” Remus said, trying to smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Pomfrey had set the gauze down and wrapped him in a tight hug. Feeling his warm tears drop onto her shoulder. “Oh, Remus… It’s okay. It’ll all work out, and I’ll be here for you whenever needed.”
This had broken Remus down even more, and he was now releasing loud sobs. “I- I’m sorry.”
“You did nothing wrong.” Poppy had responded, tracing small circles onto his back.
“I just don’t know anymore,” Remus murmured.
“What was that?” Pomfrey asked, but just as she did there was a loud knock at the door, and a tall man wearing dark robes stepped inside. Pomfrey began to sit up, about to yell at the man to leave and come back later. However, he began before she was able to get the words out.
“Mr. Remus Lupin, I have been ordered to inform you that Mr. James Potter and Mrs. Lily Evans are officially classified as dead. There will be a funeral held for them on the eleventh. This will be up to Mrs. Petunia Dursley to plan, as she is the only remaining relative alive. Mr. Sirius Black is also in Azkaban for his crimes against them, the murder of 12 muggles, Mr. Peter Pettigrew, and for being revealed as a Death Eater. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree there,” He chuckled. “You are free to go home… Given the situation, we don’t find it reasonable to punish you for the assault.”
Remus looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. He couldn’t even think of what to say other than, “Leave.”
The man gratefully stepped out, not wanting to spend another moment with the scar-covered boy who looked murderous.
Poppy had given him another hug and left. So there Remus sat, on the ground in the bright room all alone. He felt as if he could hear James, that there was a voice near him telling him to get up and demand to see Harry, but he couldn’t do it. He was a failure, and he didn’t deserve to see Harry.
Though it had only been a day since Remus last saw Sirius, he felt like their love was gone. It had only been a day yet everything between them was different. He didn’t even know if it was possible to love someone you also wanted to hate, but if you could then that was what he was feeling.
After a couple more minutes sitting there, the room began to feel like it was swallowing him whole, so Remus disappeared with a loud crack and reappeared in his room. Collapsing on his bed and staring at the ceiling, Remus tried to make sense of what had happened. So he was lying to me. The thing he said about Pete, was all a lie trying to get me on his side. Bloody hell Peters is dead. But what if it had been Peter who was the traitor? What if they were working together?
He was losing his mind.
He had sat there for another hour, the time seemed to just exist. Sometimes after a full moon, he would feel this way, just numb. Unable to wrap his head around what had happened. Until hours had passed and James would come and visit him. The others would come down later, but James could never wait till later and he had always been an early riser. So after convincing Poppy, he was able to come down before anyone else.
When the others came down at nine, they were loud. No doubt about that. Even when Remus wanted to sleep longer they would never let him. Sure they would try, but the three boys could only stay quiet for so long. But James. He would come early with chocolate and let Remus be, not sharing details of what they had done the previous night. James had noticed when Remus wanted to sleep, and he would respect that. At one point following Remus’ mom’s death, he would begin to have rather terrible dreams. He would break out in a sweat and move around. James was the one to pull him out of these nightmares. He would wake Remus. Carefully and calmly, giving him chocolate, until Remus was ready to talk. James Potter had taken away his nightmares, instead giving him a happy reality to come back to.
Remus would do anything for James to do that, just one more time.
But he couldn’t, James was gone. He had sacrificed himself, he died first. There was no world James would want to live in that didn’t have Lily in it.
But Sirius had followed just what his parents did, just what he was always expected to do. It was horrible for him when he had been sorted in Gryffindor, but Remus knew he found comfort in it. Just a tiny possibility that he wouldn’t be just like his parents, but in the end he was.
This had pained Remus, Sirius had made it his mission to rebel against them, yet there he was. Worse than any current death eater, as he was someone who people truly trusted, who Remus loved. Yet he had taken that love and thrown it away.
He needed something to calm him, so he turned to alcohol. He did have to visit the store for more, but when he had it he got lost in it. Something so perfect that clouded his thoughts, that numbed the pain. It reminded him of the buzz his music gave him, something that felt so powerful yet so dangerous, but addicting all in one.
-
It was November eleventh, the day of James and Lily’s funeral, but Remus was unable to attend. Because of course, it had to be a full moon. When they were still in Hogwarts, the Marauders would’ve been looking forward to this day for the past week. They thought of it as a way to have fun and break the rules, but it was Remus alone right now sitting in his dark cellar—no one to keep him company.
He knew the wolf would be coming soon, his magic buzz had filled him even more and his muscles and bones had ached for the past couple of days. He hated this time, but when Sirius was here with him he was able to comfort him. Remus never let any of the others in before he was fully transformed, but when they started dating Sirius joined him in the room. They would talk about insignificant things, and just be with each other.
Yet here he sat, alone. Feeling his bones stretch and grow until what was once a scared person, turned into an outraged werewolf. The werewolf wasn’t as calm as normal, he was confused. He missed his pack, he had missed the Stag and Rat for the past couple of months, but now the Dog was gone too… he was mad.
Throughout the whole night, the Werewolf had torn at himself, wanting to injure his body. Thinking that he was at fault for why he didn’t have anyone left.
When the werewolf left in the morning Remus was covered in a pool of his blood. Multiple new scares, one which ran from the bottom of his ear following down his jawline and ending just before his chin.
Remus had murmured a couple of spells which had stitched up a couple of the deep cuts and went back to bed. When he woke up again, he drank his healing potion and made his way upstairs, using his cane. He had stayed in bed the following day, he used to fight Poppy about being able to go home right after. But he now had no one to rush to see. He just wanted to sit in his immense pool of pity.
Since the full moon, Remus had begun to sober up. Though what had happened still confused him. Because of his immense love for alcohol after Sirius left, Remus had a very limited memory of their interactions. And because of the generally confusing situation regarding the traitor, Remus wasn’t sure what to believe anymore and he found that it was best for him to ignore the situation.
Remus was completely lost with what to do, he wanted to find a job and continue life as ‘normal,’ but he had no idea how a werewolf who lost everyone he loved could live a normal life. The Hunky Dory album sitting on the record player had sent Remus’ mind down a spiral of memories of his and Sirius’ last argument.
He had wanted to blame it on one thing, alcohol. After finding out about James and Lily’s death, the only thing that he did was drink as much alcohol as he could. However there wasn’t enough alcohol in the house to get him drunk, only buzzed. But, it was enough for Remus to decide that he couldn’t do it anymore. Perhaps if Remus wasn’t buzzed he could’ve convinced Sirius to stay. That same day he had poured out all his remaining alcohol.
Sirius and Remus had moved into the flat six months ago, yet they had left boxes all around. So, Remus took it upon himself to organize their stuff. When he did he found something he didn’t expect, a sealed letter from Regulus to Sirius - dated in 1979, a week before Regulus disappeared.
Sirius,
I’m not completely sure what to say in this letter. You always told me that if I ever needed anything I could reach out, or I could leave and go be with you. So, here I am. I am scared, Mother and Father have been talking more deeply about the war and plans for the future, and I’m not sure I support what they’re saying. They say they want to murder every muggle and create a power system throughout the wizarding community with purebloods having the most power. It’s times like this I wish you were still here, someone to talk to, or even just someone to tell them to shut the fuck up. I would, but I’m too scared. I don’t think you know this but, the sorting hat mentioned Gryffindor when I was being sorted. I always said my hat stall was between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, but it was Slytherin and Gryffindor.t I was too scared to agree with the hat, that Gryffindor would be the better spot for me. I forced it to give me Slytherin. I just thought you’d like to know that. I know how much you wished I was in Gryffindor with you, rather than that cursed house with the blood supremacists. I never really understood why they treated non-purebloods any differently, and I have you to thank for that. So truly, thank you Sirius for teaching me about others, and how brainwashed they will make you become. I love you and would like to apologize for what's to come.
I am a death eater, though I’m sure you already know that, and I was needed for a mission a while back. Voldemort is trying to do this extremely crazy thing that I cannot tell you about over letter, for the sole reason of safety. But it is something so crazy, and it needs to be ended now. If you respond quickly we can meet up and have a conversation about it. Maybe you’ll be able to help me. But I am going to stop it, I can do something and help put an end to what Voldemort is doing. Because of you, I can rebel against Voldemort - This may kill me, and I want you to know how much I care about you. It is because of you I can do this, to get one step closer to what you all want - the end of Voldemort.
This is the only way that I can be forgiven for my time here, for all of the terrible things I have done and said. Without doing this, I am just as bad as our parents.
You are the sole reason I got here, without you I would’ve been nothing. Just another blood supremacist. I know you think I believe what they say, but I don’t. And it is because of you I don’t. I’m realizing this is all bullshit a little too late, so for that I would like to apologize for all that I put you through. I had never truly forgiven you for leaving in your fifth year, but looking back I understand it was what was needed. I wish I could’ve gone with you, but we played the game differently.
The power I have to change what Voldemort is doing is overwhelming. I know what I have to do, but I’m not completely sure I can do it. It's as if the power I have is driving me crazy. If you would like to meet up with me and help, that would be wonderful. However, if there is no response to this letter then I will assume you didn’t want to. Which I completely understand either way.
I know we haven’t talked to each other since you left, but I do miss you. I hope you miss me too. Please reach out. I do love you, Sirius.
Reggie
R.A.B.
The letter had stayed sealed over the past two years. That meant that Regulus’ apology to Sirius, and the knowledge that Regulus wasn’t as bad as a person as expected had never reached Sirius. After spending a half hour inspecting the letter, reading it over and over again, and seeing the places where the paper felt thinner - no doubt where teardrops had fallen - Remus had decided that he had to do something about the star-crossed Black Brothers.
He had sent an owl ahead, telling Dumbledore to meet him in Hogsmeade, near the Three Broomsticks. In twenty minutes, Remus had gathered his things and gained slight composure, and appearing to Hogsmeed where he practically landed on Dumbledore.
“Shit - Sorry Professor,” Remus began, sheepishly.
“Oh, It’s quite alright Lupin. I’m sorry you had to miss the ceremony on the eleventh, it was beautiful,” Dumbledore said subtly, as if trying to gain a feel for how this conversation would go.
“Shame Petunia was told to put the ceremony on the same day as a full moon,” Remus responded, raising an eyebrow. Remus had no respect left for Dumbledore, he was just like all the other power-hungry men.
“Not sure I completely get what you’re talking about. How was the eleventh for you?“
“Same old,” Remus responded dryly.
“Let’s go down to my office, shall we?“ Dumbledore asked though Remus knew it was more of a command.
The walk from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts seemed to take years, and uncomfortable conversations were held throughout the whole thing. Dumbledore had asked many insensitive questions, and Remus had to remind himself time after time to not just wack Dumbledore over the head with his cane.
When they had finally reached Dumbledore's office, he had taken a seat across from Remus, not on the other side of his desk. As if keeping it feeling informal would help his case at all. “So, Remus. What is it you wanted to talk about?”
Remus wasted no time, “The Black brothers, sir. I believe that you, as an educator, and your education system have failed them both - including countless other Slytherin students.”
“I’m not sure what you mean, mister Lupin?”
“I mean, you knowingly let Sirius Black and Regulus Black grow up in an abusive household and did nothing to try to help them. And what about the other hundreds of Slytherin students you did this to?”
“Lupin, I do not have time for this. I have been relentlessly trying to put an end to this war, and I did-“
“You don’t understand. You might have stopped Voldemort, but there are still young pureblood wizards being raised with blood supremacy ideologies. If you want to completely stop blood supremacy, you have to attack the whole idea of it - not one small part of it.” Remus was practically fuming, unable to completely gather the words he needed to express how he was feeling.
“Remus, you know I cannot take children away from their families only because you think it's abusive. We have zero proof of anything.”
“If you don’t have proof of anything then you’re being fucking oblivious. Sirius Black suffered every single day of his life at Hogwarts, even when he left his parents - because the effect of his time with them was traumatizing.”
“If you don’t listen to me, then I will have no choice but to make you leave.” Dumbledore was slowly raising his voice, to show Remus that he was running out of his patience. “What happened with Sirius is truly a unique situation, when he was sorted we knew it would be different- “
“So why didn’t you offer him help?”
“It’s not allowed.”
“Who makes the rules, sir? And please tell me why? Why isn’t it allowed for teachers to intervene when they know someone is going through an abusive situation?
“Do you know how angry his parents would be? I believed it would be the safest to leave him where he was until he was able to make his own decision.”
“Do you know how angry his parents were when he got sorted into Gryffindor? Or how angry they were when he became friends with a halfbreed? What about when they learned he was gay? How about when he got disowned? In all of these situations, he was where you believed he would be safe, and he wasn’t at all. Yet he was with his parents, so how could he be unsafe?”
“Remus. I am trying to be calm with you, but again, Sirius’ situation was truly unique. I will continue to make these tough calls as time passes, but until then I ask you to respect my decision.”
“Sirius’ situation wasn’t as rare as you’re making it out to be. Regulus was going through the same thing, yet even worse in some ways, and not once was he ever reached out to. Not even when it was known he was becoming a death eater.”
“Regulus made those decisions on his own accordingly.”
“No, he didn’t!” Remus shoved the letter to the professor, “Regulus was failed and left isolated in that household.”
Remus watched as Dumbledore's eyes scanned over the paper, knitting his eyebrows when finished. “This doesn’t prove anything, of course, it’s unfortunate what happened, but under the circumstances-”
Remus stood up, gripping his cane hard in his left hand as he normally did when he was upset or nervous about something. “The circumstances are as follows, Sirius and Regulus were born to blood supremacists, and because of that lived horrible lives. If they had been helped to dismantle their blood supremacy views, there wouldn’t be a war going on. The reason the war started comes from a long line of blood supremacy views never being dismantled.
“Regulus lived his whole life being raised to do just as his parents asked of him until he learned they were wrong. He had good in him, yet you never paid any attention to him, because why? Because he wasn’t sorted in Gryffindor like his brother? But his brother, who was so obviously suffering, didn’t get any help? You used all of us to become your little soldiers, and now what? I’m left all alone because you used us all as little chess pieces.”
“Leave Mr. Lupin.”
“It’s your fault Sirius killed James and Lily,” Remus spat.
“It is not my fault.”
“You liar, all of this was your fault.” Remus moved closer until he was within arm's reach. “Fuck you, Dumbledore,” He began to raise his cane, wanting to just hurt Dumbledore, make him feel an ounce of pain that Remus was feeling.
Dumbledore withdrew his wand and murmured a healing spell to ease the pain. “Leave Mr. Lupin. Leave the country. Get out of here and recover. You have been through a great ordeal and you don’t have to be here anymore. I will continue teaching as I see fit. And I will continue to make relationships with my students, regardless if you think I’m raising them as soldiers.”
Remus wasn’t given a choice. In the next minute, he was standing in the countryside near a small town. He wanted to scream and make his way back to Hogwarts, but he saw the friendly face of Mary Macdonald and knew that he had no choice but to stay.
S.
“I’m James Potter, nice meeting you.” The Brown boy with dark hair had said. He had a warm smile on his face and eyes that sprinkled with mischief.
“Sirius Black,” He had responded while smirking back.
The day they had first met. Sirius’ life would never truly be the same because of that boy. And without James, Sirius says he most likely wouldn’t have lived past fifteen.
They say when you’re in Azkaban, the worst moments in your life will play through your head time after time. Sirius had many of those, as very few of his memories could be considered happy right now. Even a memory of his favorite prank could still be accessed in Azkaban. Though when thinking about it, it had just made Sirius sad. Most of his memories with the other Marauders all made him guilty.
The day Sirius had made Peter secret keeper played continuously in his head. He had convinced himself he wasn’t cut out for the job, he was James' closest friend. He was the one who would be targeted when news got out about the secret keeper. Peter was James’ longest friend, but they weren’t as showy with their friendship. He could’ve sworn it was going to be better with Peter as the secret keeper. And when Peter went into hiding then James and Lily would remain safe. But they didn’t, James and Lily were dead, and it was all Peter’s fault.
But was it all Peter’s fault? Sirius was the one who made Peter a secret keeper. If he wasn’t the secret keeper there would’ve been no one to betray James and Lily.
Azkaban is meant to make everyone go crazy, but Sirius wasn’t entirely going crazy. He didn’t remember everything completely clearly, but for the most part, he had memories that weren’t practically happy or sad which could be used against him. So there Sirius sat, day after day thinking nothing else but of Remus and James.
However, with time, Sirius began to forget how he had felt about James. Someone who he used to be such close friends with, yet he could barely remember. In some scenarios growing up, Sirius would envision one of his friends talking to him during abusive situations to help his mentality. This was the first time he wasn’t able to think of James. It was as if his memories of him were replaced by something else, by his guilt. Which had mixed everything up so much, Sirius no longer knew if James would forgive him for being the reason he was dead. For being the reason Harry was an orphan.
During his first couple of days, Sirius was more affected by the dementors than anyone else. Because he was new, he still had so many happy memories they could take from him. But, out of these happy memories many of them weren’t entirely happy anymore. What was once a first kiss with Remus, now existed as a reminder of what he had done to Remus. How he had left him all alone. Sirius had promised Remus that he would never leave him, and now Sirius was a liar.
Remus was someone so perfect in Sirius’ life, someone he had always loved, and believed he always would. But now, Sirius didn’t know if he would ever forgive him for what he had done. In fifth year, after The Prank, Sirius had promised that he would never betray his friends again. Yet here he sat, in a pool of guilt, wishing he didn’t make Peter secret keeper.
The Prank was something he tried to close off as much as he could. However here, where all of his bad memories stayed on the surface, it was all that he could think of. He deserved to be in Azkaban, and he should’ve gone in fifth year after he pulled The Prank. Azkaban was where he truly belonged.
Memories of the day Sirius was disowned still played through his head often. It was the day news had gotten out about him dating Remus. They had treated him horribly throughout the entire day, and throughout the entire dinner there had been nasty remarks thrown toward Sirius by his parents until he erupted.
He had screamed at them telling them to shut up, that he was proud he was dating Remus. Which did not resonate well. After his last name had been revealed they instantly knew who Sirius was talking about. Lyall Lupin, head of some small magical creatures department, disappeared once a month with his scar-covered son.
Sirius’ family knew he was a werewolf, and had attacked Sirius for this. They were torturing him, taking their anger out on the fifteen-year-old. If it weren’t for Regulus stepping in, Sirius would’ve laid on the kitchen floor for the rest of his life.
“Leave him alone,” Regulus shouted, stopping the commotion.
“What did you say to me, boy?” Walburga had shrieked at him, narrowing her eyes.
Regulus composed himself, knowing acting fully on his emotions wouldn’t help the situation. “Please.. let me clean him up, you can talk more later.”
“Fine,” Orion had replied, putting an arm on his wife and leading her out. “Inviting over the cousins, don’t think this is over.“
Regulus nodded, and the moment they left he rushed over to Sirius who wrapped him in a large hug. Tears were falling from both of their eyes, “You need to get out of here, Sirius.“
“I- I- know.”
“Come with me,” Regulus slowly helped him to his feet, and they slowly made their way to the living room where he threw flew powder in. “Go to James’ please. Take care of yourself.”
Sirius took a shaky step in, “Will you come with me?”
“I can’t,” Regulus wanted to beg him to stay, wanted to curl up with him and cry in his chest and complain about how unfair life is. How he was sorry for how he acted. But he couldn’t ask the impossible, this was Sirius’ getaway, and regardless of if Regulus ever got him, at least he helped Sirius.
“The Potters,” Sirius had said firmly, just as he started leaving he said, voice hoarse, “I love you, Reggie.”
Regulus had stayed frozen, responding too late, “I love you too Sirius.”
How Sirius had treated Regulus was one of his biggest regrets. If only he forced Regulus to come with him. His guilt had stayed with him to the point that when he got a letter from Regulus, he had just left it alone. Not thinking he could handle whatever it was that he had to say.
Regulus’ death was something that Sirius wasn’t expecting, there was no news about how he had died, just that he disappeared. Wherever Regulus went, he hoped it was far away from Mother and Father.
James often would ask Sirius to reach out to Regulus, but he would just dismiss this by saying that James didn’t understand what to do because he didn’t have any siblings. Sirius just thought this would be another thing James was wrong about, but he did wish he reached out to Regulus.
Back in first year, they had a prank war against the girls, and Peter had acted as a double agent for them. Sirius thought Peter was lying to them, and just used them to get closer to the girls. He was wrong then, but now when James and Lily’s life was on the line, Peter was a traitor. And the reason why Peter was able to do so much damage was because Sirius had allowed him to become the secret keeper. If he had stayed the secret keeper, James and Lily wouldn’t be dead.
He was the reason they are gone.
Now here he sat, alone in a dark cell with slight moonlight shining in through the window. A full moon. Sirius had transformed into Padfoot, slightly reluctantly, and gazed at the moon through his barred window. How much he wanted to jump out and find Moony, but would he even want to see him if he made it?