Feeling Better?
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Ten minutes later Delia returned to find her lover fighting to catch her breath after trying to eat with fully blocked nasal passages.
“Soup won this round,” Patsy said, tossing her spoon down and letting her head fall back against the headboard, exhausted from eating.
“Sorry sweetheart,” the younger woman said, taking the tray and moving it to the table. “Looks like you got at least half of it in though, so I’m satisfied.”
“I do aim to please, Nurse Busby,” Patsy quipped.
Delia pulled back the covers and climbed into their bed beside the taller woman.
“What?” Patsy asked, suddenly insecure as the brunette’s eyes locked onto her while she blew her nose yet again. “I feel absolutely repulsive Deels, you must look away while I do this.”
Delia laughed and turned to face the redhead with even more attention.
“And you really should move further away… you don’t need to be catching this too…”
Right at that moment a chill shook the older woman’s body, and she winced as she shrugged her shoulders, trying to discreetly stretch her back and shift away from the scar tissue made sensitive by fever and flu aches, none of which went unnoticed by Delia.
The younger woman sighed quietly as she saw the pain in the woman beside her. Delia momentarily fought back the anger that always boiled to the surface as she was reminded of the abuses her lover had faced as a child. She watched as the redhead cautiously slid down beneath the covers.
“Pats, I’m not worried about being too close… the plague wouldn’t keep me away from you, and you know that’s the truth,” Delia said as she quickly climbed out of bed and crossed the room to reset her energy and open the window a crack.
“I do know that and it’s quite an irritating fact,” Patsy mumbled from beneath the covers.
Having suddenly felt the bed shift as Delia rose, the redhead poked her head out. “Where are you going?”
“Just airing it out a bit… reduce the viral load and all that…” Delia said as she strained to open the old window, thankful for a task that could be used to release the anger that had unexpectedly risen.
“Actually, that’s a brilliant idea Deels. Fresh air does a body good as Sister Evangelina always says.” Patsy sneezed and groaned, then blindly reached out from beneath the quilt to find another tissue.
As she returned, Delia saw Patsy shiver again then carefully shift away from what she knew to be one of the worst scars that continued to give the redhead discomfort every now and then.
The brunette silently cursed those who had harmed the one she loved so fiercely, as she climbed into the bed. She settled with her head on the pillow facing the sick woman. “Hot or cold?”
Patsy knew she was being asked if she was in the fever stage where she wanted to throw blankets off or the stage of yearning for a dozen more quilts.
“Hot just a bit ago, but freezing now…” she said, fighting off another shiver.
Delia nodded with sympathetic understanding. “Come here then,” she said, opening her arms to the redhead.
Patsy instantly felt the desire to curl into her lover’s warm embrace, imagining how good it would feel to be soothed and tenderly cared for, but her brain quickly took over with second thoughts, blocking any motion forward. At the core of the resistance was a deep familiar heart pain, but what came out were surface level, meaningless protests.
“Don’t be silly Deels, I’m far too disgusting for that, I’m coughing and sneezing…”
“I don’t care about any of that Pats,” Delia said as she reached out and put her hand on Patsy’s arm. “Don’t let your mind tell you this part is too much for me, it isn’t.”
Both women were surprised by how intimate the moment suddenly felt as they looked into each other’s eyes. “I know you have always gone through being sick on your own, and I understand you can care for yourself Pats, but just because you can doesn’t mean you need to…”
Patsy sighed. “I supposed there’s more to this stubbornness than that…”
“I know there is sweetheart,” Delia said as she let her thumb gently trace patterns on the older woman’s skin.
With a single look, a full conversation was shared within their soul deep bond- a connection that no longer required spoken words in most instances of overwhelming vulnerability.
Within Patsy’s gaze Delia found surfacing memories of her sick mother and sister, memories of an armored heart steeled by sharp anger and heavy grief, memories of standing alone through life’s storms, memories of their meeting, falling in love, taking the armor off, and letting her in past her most formidable walls and barriers. Then, as Patsy’s stream of memories was broken by a blink, Delia found within her lover’s blue pools the current pains of irritated scars alongside the internal battle of not wanting to resort to her old ways of pushing everyone away and keeping all wants and needs deep within.
Despite the churning inside her mind, Patsy fought to stay close and present and found respite within Delia’s gaze where she could see gentle openness, a desire not to be locked out, a subtle inquiry into her heart, and a lightness that never failed to bring her up from the darkness of her past.
“You’re right, Deels” Patsy said quietly as she reached up and brushed dark hair away from the blue eyes that had just reminded her of how safe it was to love and be loved.
“I know I am,” Delia said with a smile and a wink as she slowly drew Patsy into her arms being careful not to create any friction on her back.
Patsy laughed, appreciating Delia’s humor and how she always seemed to know precisely how to diffuse the tense energy after a moment like that.
She took a deep breath. “I don’t know why things are coming up now… the scars… the grief… it hasn’t come up since Christmas time with Michael…”
“Being sick has a way of dredging up all that likes to hide away,” Delia said as she moved her hand to Patsy’s chest, letting her palm rest above the heart thumping harder than usual with the strain of the fever.
“You at least must let me turn away so I’m not breathing these germs directly onto you,” Patsy said lightly as she turned to face away from her lover, then moved back into her open arms.
“Will that be alright?” Delia asked, wanting to give Patsy options for a comfortable place to rest.
“It will be perfect.”
The moment Patsy’s back was pressed to her chest, Delia felt another shiver wrack her lover and she pulled her closer, wrapping her arms around her. The younger woman was filled with appreciation thinking of how much had changed in her lover’s ability to connect through the intensity of memories. She recognized the vulnerability that was being navigated and the trust being given by Patsy as she chose to remain close and accept care and comfort.
Patsy sighed with relief, instantly feeling the pains in her scars soothed by the warmth of Delia. “This time I get to say I was right, this is perfect,” she said with a smile.
Delia took a moment to also enjoy the warmth of the older woman’s body pressing against her own. She drew the blankets up around them then rested her arm across Patsy’s waist.
Patsy reached up and linked their fingers, feeling her body relax as Delia’s body heat seeped into her, slowly reducing the fever chills.
“Is that better?” Delia whispered as she kissed the back of the redhead’s neck.
Patsy smiled as her eyes drifted closed. “Much better.”
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