See the thing is James has always wanted to marry Regulus. Ever since their first date, he thought he’d marry him, he knows it’s stupid now, but he felt it. He’s always held everyone he loves close to his chest, in a little locket pressed inside his heart. The moment he met Regulus, and James means the moment, he dug into his heart and stuck him in the locket. Tracing the idea of him with his mind, imagining a life in which their future was theirs, no one else’s. Once someone is in the locket it’s very hard for James to take them out again. He knew that then, he knows that now. He doesn’t even know if he wants to take Regulus out of his heart, he just… doesn’t know what else to do.
“I’ll be done in a sec,” Regulus tells him, kissing his cheek, before running into the bathroom clothes in hand.
James nods slowly, “Okay.”
He’s not really been talking lately. That’s weird for him too, being quiet isn’t exactly something he’s known for. Whenever Regulus is around he’s normally talking his ear off, but now he just hasn’t been. He’s just not said anything at all. He looks bored in the mirror as he fixes his shirt, he doesn’t know, he’s normally excited for their date nights, tonight something’s gone out. Like a light that’s been constantly flicking in and out for months. James doesn’t want to say it’s gone out, he doesn’t think it’s that bad, he’s just tired is all. Had a rough week. It’s been hard to get out of bed. It’s usually because Regulus is there, he wants to curl into him and sleep the day away. Spend their time whispering under covers about future plans. Now James just stares at the baseboards and waits for Regulus to get up on his own. He probably would’ve made an excuse about not going out tonight if Regulus wasn’t so excited about it.
With a sigh James ducks his head away from the mirror and takes himself downstairs, no longer trying to hear into the bathroom to see how much longer Regulus has left. He almost wants him to take longer. He wants him to lose track of time so they never have to go out at all. That’s awful of him, he shouldn't want that. He shakes his head, pausing as he reaches the living room. He never really looks at it from this angle. It looks the same as it did when they first toured it together, though the lights have all gone out from the windows. The sun set early tonight. James would’ve preferred it if they left earlier, dinner with the sunset in the background is too good for him to pass up. Though the stars are pretty too so he doesn’t know why he’s complaining.
When they first walked into this place they knew it was the one. They saw a few other properties but there wasn’t one like this. James ran towards the light the living room was giving out. It has this huge windows in the back which drench the floor with beautiful daylight. He turned to Regulus and excitedly raved to him about it, Regulus smiled then. He told James he loved it too. They ended up putting in an offer for the house that very day and getting it the next. James thought it was a sign. They were doing the good thing moving out of their apartment and into something more permanent, more secure. He saw it as the next step forward. And maybe they did take a step forward, maybe something did happen that day. But James thinks they’ve been standing at the same front step for years now, he doesn’t know how to go any direction but backward.
Sluggishly he takes a seat on the couch, his eyes finding the stars just outside. The darkness overcomes him, but he doesn’t bother to turn on the light. There’s not really a point now, is there? Regulus will be downstairs any minute anyway. James never lets himself sit in silence like this, he’s scared once he does his brain will come up with something that’s best left buried. He used to like the silence, every once in a while anyway. He’d go on hikes and his mind would gift him images of a happy future. It would show him pictures of engagement rings and promised words. He had dreams back then. Now he’s washed away. The tide has always been a moving force in his life, he could feel the moment it went out. It tells him when everything is okay, it tells him when it’s time to go. It’s funny he swears he feels the ocean outside of his window tonight. It’s like the tide is going out. He’s standing completely still but the tide is going out.
He loves Regulus. He does. He’ll say it again and again until he knows it’s true for certain. He’s not sure anymore, though. He feels himself slowly slipping away with every passing day. He didn’t think he was possible of it before. Now he looks at the stars and waits. For what he doesn’t know. He’s certainly not waiting for Regulus anymore. He thought he would catch himself at the end of the aisle, flowers surrounding him as tears entered his eyes with the picture of Regulus walking towards him. He had a plan laid out in his head. He kept bringing up the topic of marriage, it’s not like he was ignoring it. He tried. This is him fucking trying, but he’s tired. He’s standing at the edge, calling out for his one love to choose him. Years ago he was always upset that Regulus pushed off the idea of marriage. He never outright said he didn’t want it, but he didn’t push for it. He didn’t dream up the perfect day for it as James did. He listened, but he never contributed to the conversation. James wanted to propose, for years he wanted to. He went ring shopping but never could find the right one. There was always that voice in the back of his head telling him he got something wrong.
He didn’t want to propose to Regulus and have him say no, but worse he didn’t want him to say yes and not mean it. He wanted Regulus to marry him because he really wanted to, not because James asked him to and he thought it was the right action to take. Looking back maybe he should’ve just bought the ring. Maybe he should’ve just asked him. He wouldn’t be sitting here in the dark with his leg bouncing up with nerves if he did. He would still be in love if he did. Fuck. He didn’t mean that he just… He loves Regulus more than anything. He does. He just doesn’t know how to word how he feels, is all. He thinks he wants to be with him, he’s just so tired of Regulus not fighting for him, not wanting him the way James wants to be wanted. It’s selfish of him, he knows this, he wouldn’t want to marry himself either, he understands. It doesn’t stop the pang in his heart. It doesn’t stop the silence from overtaking his head every time he looks at Regulus’ face. It certainly doesn’t revive his pulse back to beating quickly every time Regulus says his name like it used to.
He runs his hands over his face, he just needs to get out of this house, that must be it. After this whole date night is over he’ll finally be able to rest. He just wants to go to bed to be honest. Maybe once he would’ve enjoyed going out and having adventures. Not now. He’s too tired to do it now.
“You ready to go?” Regulus’ voice takes him out of his head. For something so familiar it does nothing to comfort him. It used to. James isn’t sure when it stopped.
“Yeah,” he clears his throat, “Let's go.”
Regulus watches him for a minute, seeing right through him. James stands terrified he’s going to say something, while at the same time wishing he would. He knows he shouldn’t want a confrontation. He doesn’t necessarily want to talk about his emotions, he’s never liked doing it. But at least he would know that Regulus noticed, that he cares.
He smiles softly instead, reaching out his hand, “Come on.” He says.
James' heart drops as he reaches to grab it, it fits in his own the way it always has, but his heart doesn’t jump when their skin brushes against each other. He doesn’t think he feels anything. He should’ve known Regulus wouldn’t have said anything, he never says anything. He could be on his knees begging with tear-stained cheeks for Regulus to say something, anything, and he wouldn’t say a single word. James isn’t sure how Regulus could love someone and not know they’re slowly dying. Maybe he doesn’t love him at all. James squeezes his hand for reassurance. Regulus is too busy searching for the GPS on his phone that he doesn’t squeeze it back. Say something, James begs, Do something. Regulus opens his car door, and silently James takes a seat. He. Feels. Nothing.
~…~
“Hey?” Regulus calls out.
James blinks, “Mhm?”
“You keep going away,” Regulus says, playing with the remaining food on his plate.
“Right sorry,” James sits up straighter in his seat. “I’m just tired.”
It’s not really a lie. He hasn’t been sleeping that well recently. He’s spent a lot of time watching Regulus as he sleeps. He used to do it a lot when they first started dating. Those first few nights they spent together James watched him. Regulus always looks so peaceful in his sleep, all his worries drain from his face. Sometimes on really good nights, he’s even smiling slightly into his dreams. Now James watches after him and wants to look away, there’s just never anything else to look at. So he stares at Regulus, counting his breaths, waiting for him to wake up and roll his eyes at his habit. He never does. James always falls asleep next to him alone. Even with someone right next to him he never feels like he’s sleeping with someone. He’s not sure how that is.
Regulus opens his mouth to speak and for a moment James thinks he’s going to ask if he’s okay. He doesn’t even know what he’d say to that. He doesn’t exactly have an answer. This night has been nice, even if he didn’t want to go to it in the first place. They’re sitting next to a window with a lovely view of the stars, not covered with the pollution of the city. The food is good too, some of the best James has eaten in weeks but he can’t really taste it. It’s like his mouth is filled with sandpaper, it hurts to chew. He pushes his food around the plate instead.
Regulus nods, “Oh.”
That’s all he says. James keeps staring at him expecting more, nothing ever comes. He swallows thickly, biting at the inside of his cheek. When they were younger they used to be able to sit in silence for hours. Regulus would always spend a lot of time on his homework as opposed to James who decided to do it all last minute. So they’d sit in the library together. James procrastinated spending his time staring at Regulus while he worked. They didn’t need to talk, they didn’t need to do anything, just the idea of being together the whole day was enough. Now James can barely look in Regulus’ direction, he keeps his gaze at the window instead.
“James,” Regulus whispers after a moment passed.
James hums, forcing his direction back on him, “Yeah, Reg?”
A beat passes and James still can’t feel his heart. It used to beat solely for Regulus and now there doesn’t seem to be anything at all. He feels like he should feel it in his throat, he should be playing with Regulus’ foot under the table, too jittery to stay still. But he just stares at Regulus and waits for his words to come. They’re basically done with their food at this point, they’ll probably be going home soon.
“I love you,” Regulus tells him, and James’ first reaction is to not believe him. He’s not sure why. He’s never been like this before. Sure, he’s thought his friends don’t love him before, but he’s worked through it. He thought he worked through it. His heart is so full of love, he knows now it’s reciprocated. With Regulus it’s different. It’s not as if he doesn’t hear it enough. Regulus tells him all the time. He’s not sure what it is.
“I love you too,” James whispers back, almost wishing Regulus doesn’t hear him, it would be easier that way.
Regulus smiles at that, it’s a genuine one too. James feels like he’s swallowed his heart. Devouring the parts of it that allow him to feel. “I know you talk a lot about love at first sight,” Regulus tells him. “And I’d always roll my eyes at it, you know, I didn’t think it was real. But if anyone could convince me it was, it would be you. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I saw you, I think even then I knew you were it for me. I didn’t understand the feeling at first, but now I do. I really do.” Regulus plays with James’ fingers, and James watches the two of them longingly. It’s funny, he still doesn’t feel it. “If anything all this time we’ve spent together just showed me how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you. There’s no one else for me, James, you’re everything to me.”
If this was a year ago maybe James would preen at his words. He would kiss his knuckles and tell him something poetic back. It wouldn’t even have to be this fancy, they could just be in bed. Lazily kissing each other in the morning daylight, and he would’ve loved it more than anything. He would hold onto that memory and hide it in his locket. It’s different now. James wishes he could explain how.
“I’m going to love you for the rest of my life, James Potter,” Regulus says. “I’m going to love you until we’re old and gray still arguing about how you leave your socks on the floor and how I burn everything I cook.”
James knows what Regulus is doing. He’s imagined the speech so many times. He’s pictured so many scenarios. He’s dreamed of this. He wanted this more than anything. But now he feels none of it. He doesn’t think he can. He squeezes his hand trying to stop him from talking, “Reg—“
“I want to sit out in our backyard watching every single sunrise with you, I know how much you love watching them. Even if it means we wake up early and I get no sleep—“
“Reg.”
“I want everything we can ever have. I want—“
“Reg, stop you’re losing me.”
Regulus falls silent, holding onto James’ hand like it’s the only thing keeping him together. James is in the same amount of shock. He never thought he’d say it. He didn’t think he’d ever stop him from this. He’s been waiting for him to propose for so long. Why did he say no? He wasn’t supposed to. He didn’t mean to. He feels his heart pounding in his chest as his palms begin to sweat. Why did he say no? He wasn’t supposed to say no.
“James,” Regulus whispers, “I—“
“You’re losing me,” James repeats, he doesn’t know what else to say. “I don’t… no.”
“No?” Regulus’ voice cracks.
James nods slowly, “No.”
“I didn’t even ask the question yet,” Regulus mumbles out of shock.
James’ eyes sting, he feels tears coat his eyes and he doesn’t know what to do with that either. He’s not supposed to be crying, he’s not supposed to be doing any of this. He was supposed to say yes, he would run around the table and kiss Regulus until they both suffocate on the love they hold for each other. They were supposed to run off together, giggling at all their future plans, without being able to take their hands off each other. They had a plan. James had a plan. Now he watches as it crumbles beneath his feet. He sees pebbles fall from the castle that used to hold their love. He doesn’t understand it.
“I know,” James whispers, “I’m sorry.”
He feels words pile in his throat, he feels his walls close up around him. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to. He’s supposed to be in love with Regulus till death did them part. They were supposed to be together forever. He wanted to marry him. He wanted to be with him. He wanted everything with him. And now… what has he done?
“Sorry?” Regulus repeats numbly. Nothing follows his words. James almost wishes there was. He wants him to fight. He wants him to scream at him. He wants him to say something. He doesn’t.
I wanted to marry you, James hears himself say, I wanted it more than anything. He doesn’t say anything either. He’s the first to pull away his hand. Everyone else in the restaurant continues their chatter, they’re not even paying attention to them, they haven’t seen any of this.
I’m sorry, James says. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. He doesn’t even know who he’s saying it to. He thinks it might be himself. His past self would be disappointed in him, he apologizes to him, but he doesn’t take it back. He doesn’t shove the words back down his throat to make himself gag. He doesn’t do anything. Regulus doesn’t either.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out one last time before pushing his chair back. He doesn’t remember walking out of the restaurant and yet he’s standing in the front, swallowing all the fresh air he possibly can. His hands are shaking. He doesn’t think he can breathe. His vision is going blurry, and there’s not even anything else to say.
“Fuck,” he whispers into the night, no one hears his call. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
He shakes his hands at his sides, he wasn’t supposed to do that. He can almost see the fork in the road, he can see his two choices. He can see the clear path, he should’ve taken it. But he doesn’t go back inside. He doesn’t do anything. He wanted Regulus to choose him. He wanted Regulus to want him. He does. He chose him. He wants him. But James thinks it was too late to make a difference. Regulus had already lost him. James pushes his palm against his chest, trying to rub away the pain. James has already slipped far past his grip. He’s just so tired. He closes his eyes, breathing in one last time.
Maybe if he said something sooner. Maybe then everything would’ve been fine. But he didn’t. He didn’t do anything. James opens his eyes and sees Regulus’ star. It makes him feel sick. He thinks they’ve been sick for a while. He doesn’t know anything anymore. All he knows is he doesn’t want to be out here when Regulus stumbles out into the street. He can’t face seeing him right now. His heart may have picked back up, but James doesn’t think it’s beating for him anymore.
All he ever wanted was for Regulus to see him, after all this time. And he did. He did see him. He gave him all he could give. That’s the problem. All Regulus could give him still isn’t enough.
~…~
Regulus never imagined himself getting married, it was all covered in a haze his parents forced on him. He thought of obligations and uncomfortable stares, he didn’t think of marrying the love of his life. For so long, he could never get past that. He loves James, and he wants to be with him for the rest of his days, but he never thought of marrying him. Even after all those times be brought it up. He saw his signals, he saw the lighthouse howling in the distance for his attention. He just kept brushing it off, drowning in the waves keeping track of the light. He saw it. He knew James wanted to marry him, but he couldn’t give that to him. He curses his mind every single time he realized it but it never changed anything.
He didn’t tell him either. Maybe that was his mistake. Not telling James how he was feeling. He held onto him the same all these years. He tried to show that he loved him all this time, that’s not the problem. He doesn’t think it’s the problem. There could’ve been something else he didn’t see, he’s not exactly sure. James didn’t say anything, or did he? Regulus isn’t even sure at this point. The restaurant lights are low and the people are loud, it’s messing with his head. The ring is now in his fingers, he doesn’t remember when he took it out of the box.
He remembers the moment he felt James slipping away. They were in bed and for the first time James didn’t lean over to him and talk about their day, he turned to the wall instead, claiming he was too tired to speak. Regulus thought it would last a day, then two. James never did turn back around, at least not while Regulus was awake anyway. He ended up buying a ring soon after that realization. He felt James slipping from his fingers, and he hated it. He needed to hold onto him as much as he could. It wasn’t because of James slipping away, he did want to marry him, that’s the truth. He wants to be with him forever, he wants to be able to call him his. He wants to wear matching rings and call him his husband around everyone they meet. He wants that. It just took him too long to get there.
Tonight was supposed to be a good night, a magical one. Regulus made a reservation at the restaurant of their first date, they went out stargazing afterward. James’ idea, he wanted Regulus to show him where his star was. It was ridiculous but he smiled so brightly when he got it right. Regulus planned to take him there tonight too, he’d take the ring out then. Then James just kept going away, staring out the window deep within his thoughts. Regulus was losing him. If he didn’t do anything now he would be gone forever.
He started his speech. Now he has the ring back in his hand and not on James’ finger. He ran out a little while ago but Regulus can’t bring himself to chase after him. He’s stuck haunting the restaurant, and might possibly be stuck haunting it for the rest of his life. He wants to call out for help but there’s no one to call. There’s nothing to do. His chest feels hollow as he stares at the seat that once housed James. It’s not fair. That’s all he can really think. They weren’t supposed to end this way. He never imagined they would.
Regulus looks around and everyone else at the restaurant, they’re not looking back at him, not whispering about his failed attempt at a love confession. They have their own lives, they’re on their own love stories. The world doesn’t care about him. James doesn’t. To Regulus, those are the same thing. There’s a lump in Regulus’ throat, he can’t swallow it down no matter how much he tries to force it. In hushed whispers, he says, “I wouldn’t marry me either.” No one hears him. No one turns to share a pitied look. His chair scrapes as he pulls it away, the room feels too quiet all of a sudden even with everyone still talking.
He doesn’t remember going home but he’s there. Standing outside the door. For a moment, he thinks that maybe James will be in the room when he walks in. He’ll realize what he said was a mistake. He’ll take Regulus in his arms and tell him yes. Regulus’ keys jiggle in the door when he opens it and pushes open the door. The house is still dark, completely empty.
He remembers when they bought this place. It didn’t look lived in but it wasn’t this empty. The sun broke through the room and painted the walls with his light. James bathed in it. Smiling happily at the thought of lying lazily in it. Regulus smiled too. He liked seeing him happy.
He slams the door, “James?” He calls out, he already knows no one will call back. “James?”
He wants to run through the hallway. He wants to call out his name until his throat bleeds. He wants. He wants. He wants. He’s never going to get any of it. But it’s still there, beating in his chest. His heart is still beating for James, it always has been and always will. Is James’ heart still beating for him?
“Fuck,” Regulus whimpers, gripping the ring in his hands so tightly it creates an indentation in his skin. He wants to keep it there, he wants the reminder etched on his skin till death. He was too late. He fucked up the best thing he ever had. He pushes the back of his hand against his mouth, hoping it’ll silence his weeping, it does nothing to cure him. Only one thing would. “I’m sorry.” He ends up saying, he wishes James were here to hear it. “James, I’m sorry, baby.”
He should’ve said something sooner. He could’ve fixed it. James wouldn’t have stopped him. They could be happy together. He can give it to him now, he could’ve given it to him now. Regulus gives everything he can to James, but he doesn’t have much to give. He doesn’t blame him for leaving. He only blames himself for being stupid enough to let him slip from his hands like water.
He ends up on the floor, his knees tucked in his chest. He wishes the sun was out. The room used to be so beautiful in the light. Everyone says you don’t know what you got till it’s gone, but Regulus did know. He knew how much James meant to him, he was his entire world, and he means it. He was his sun, he was the sole provider of light in his life. He healed him, and now all of that is gone. He’s crumbling without him to hold him up. He knew what James was. He knows exactly what he lost. He knew the moment James said no. He’s never going to be able to forget that. It’s going to burrow its way into his head until he can’t think of anything else. Every step forward he takes he’ll look towards the fork in the road and know he should’ve taken the other side. If only he wasn’t so slow.
All he can think is, stop you’re losing me, James’ words won’t get out of his head. You’re losing me. You’re losing me. You’re losing me. Regulus knew that. He already knew he was losing him. He’s not sure why he didn’t do anything. He just thought James would always be there, he’s come in and out with the tide. He could never picture a life without him. It was James or nothing. Now Regulus is stuck with the latter.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there wishing for the sun to ride, fiddling with the ring, pressing it into his skin. He doesn’t think it’s been that long, but it could’ve been days. Maybe he won’t ever see daylight again. It’s his punishment for dropping James’ heart and shattering it all over the tablecloth. Then he hears it. The key turns in the door. Quickly he whips his head around, is that James’ key in the door? Is it okay now? Has he come back for him? His heart picks up as the door handle jiggles.
“James?” Regulus calls out as soon as it opens.
Sirius shuffles into the hallway, “I’m sorry.”
Tears begin to fall, Regulus isn’t sure what took them so long. They shake his chest until he can’t breathe. He can’t let go of the ring. He wants James here. He wants him to comfort him as his cries echo in the home they picked out together. “No,” he whispers.
“Reg,” Sirius sighs, falling to the floor next to him.
“No, no no. No.” Regulus sniffles. He didn’t even ask anything. He didn’t ask his question yet. “No.”
Sirius grabs his shoulders, “It’s going to be okay.”
“No,” Regulus tells him. “No.”
“Come on,” Sirius mumbles. “Reg just—“
“I lost him,” he confesses, his head is pounding but he thinks he deserves the pain. “I knew I was losing him but I didn’t… I didn’t do anything. I didn’t say anything. Why didn’t I say anything?”
Sirius just keeps looking at him, he can’t say anything. Did James go to see him first? Is that why Sirius is here?
“You can scream at me if you want,” Regulus says. “I know you want to.”
Sirius shakes his head, “I’m not going to yell at you, Reggie.”
Regulus looks away, blinking in an attempt to erase his tears, but they’re still there melting into his skin. “I did— I was trying.”
“I know you were,” Sirius reassures him. “You were doing everything you can.”
And it still wasn’t enough. Regulus can never do anything right, nothing that’s enough. He swallows around the lump in his throat but it doesn’t do him any good. “I don’t know what to do, Sirius, tell me what to do.” He adds, “I lost him.”
Sirius keeps staring at him, he doesn’t say anything. There’s never anything to say. There’s no solution. Regulus can’t revive James’ heart to beat only for him. He can’t kiss him and make their entire past fall away. He can’t do anything. He presses his hand to his chest, feeling the beat of his heart. He hears whispers of James’ name in every single beat. He hopes that never goes away. He wants to live with this for the rest of his life. He deserves it.