It was just a random Wednesday, but Regulus could swear the world was out to get him. It had started off just fine but from the moment the letter from his mother, reminding him of his ‘family duties’ had arrived at lunch, it had gone downhill. His classes were dull and dragged on, and he felt somewhat absent from reality, almost as though he was dreaming. All he wanted was to get the day over with so he could find James in the Come and Go Room and forget about everything else around him.
Dinner had ended over twenty minutes ago and all Regulus had wanted to do was to get back to his dorm and revise before it got too late, but the universe seemed set on preventing him from doing so. To begin with, he had run into Professor McGonagall within three minutes of him leaving the great hall and been tasked to collect something from Slughorn for her by the morning, which had taken ten minutes out of his day because she then went on to tell him in detail about how much of a pain the seventh years had been in the morning. Following that, he’d walked right into a younger Hufflepuff student and -in a stupid act of kindness- stuck around to help her gather her books off the floor, slightly put out by how terrified of him she looked. That hadn’t taken him as long but still wasn’t ideal. Finally, when he was walking down an empty corridor, so close to the dungeons and his well-deserved peace, he had been ambushed by his brother and his gang of Gryffindor idiots. So, overall, he was having a really shit day.
“Oi, Reg, wait up!” He called after him and Regulus ignored him, deciding he wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight with Sirius. Relentlessly as always, Sirius’s footsteps sped up behind him and Regulus felt a hand wrap around his arm tightly, stopping him from getting away. He whirled around and snatched his arm back, glaring petulantly at his brother. Sirius ignored his blatant annoyance. “Stop being a brat, Regulus, come on, I just want to talk.”
In a gesture that was probably not at all shocking to Sirius, Regulus sighed and refused to respond. He let his eyes dart over to James for a moment in a silent question, getting nothing more than a shrug in response, clearly intended to mean ‘ I haven't the foggiest, love’ . That wasn't helpful. If James didn't know what Sirius was doing, nobody did. It wasnt like he had any guesses either, the two of them hadn’t spoken in over a year.
Pettigrew cleared his throat from where he stood, next to Lupin and almost behind Sirius. “He's talking to you, you know?” Regulus raised an eyebrow at him and then turned back to Sirius, hoping he looked sufficiently bored.
Shortly after, Lupin tutted. “Sirius, he's not worth it.”
Yeah, okay, Regulus was not having that. Lupin could act like the rational hero as much as he wanted, but this had nothing to do with any of him.
“You really have to keep your pets in line, Sirius, they should know to mind their own business.” Regulus finally replied, not missing the slight quirk to Sirius’s lip when he made the remark. If anybody had found out he'd made Sirius smile, he was done for.
“You think I’m responsible enough to be the boss of them? I’m flattered, Reggie.” Regulus ignored him, Trying to make it clear that he would not be answering stupid questions. Sirius seemed to pick up on it.
“I wanted to find you so we could talk,” He began and Regulus laughed sharply. Sirius glared and kept speaking. “I wanted to talk about us. About us maybe sorting out all the shit between us, being happy, being brothers again.” Regulus blinked at him a few times. “I’ve wanted to ask you for ages but you’re a stubborn little shit and keep disappearing whenever I pluck up the courage to search for you,” He took a deep breath, voice softening. “So? Would you consider it? Being brothers again?”
Regulus saw an opportunity and grasped it. “I wasn't aware we'd ever stopped.”
Growing impatient, Sirius groaned. “You know what I mean. Come on Regs, I miss having you around as my annoying little shadow. At least consider it…please? For me?”
“No.” He stated, turning around to face the other way, taking notice of James’s little smile as he watched the siblings bicker, evidently assuming they were just being difficult.
“Regulus-”
Regulus remained facing the opposite direction to the gaggle of idiots. His voice grew sharper, taking on an entirely different tone that was almost dangerous, “No, Sirius, because I’ve been the second choice my entire life and I won’t let you just turn around and change your mind because you feel bad.”
After the initial surprise at his brother’s harsh tone, Sirius scoffed. “Yeah, right. Stop being stubborn and just listen to me, would you?” Regulus did not respond. “Oh, come on, Regs, you’re being dramatic now. You can just say you hate me, you don’t have to make a sob story, alright? You’re not the second choice, Walburga-”
Something burning and wicked clicked inside of Regulus’s mind and he gave in to the urge to snap back at Sirius. In a split second, the calm, collected facade dropped and he was filled with something akin to rage. It reminded him so deeply of his parents and despite his better judgement, he fed into it, letting it grow and spread, not holding back.
“Really, Sirius? You don’t genuinely believe that, do you?” Sirius fell silent, staring at him in shock. “I was the spare child, Sirius. Our parents only ever praised me to prove a point to you, ” He turned on Sirius, pointing sharply and watching the confusion spread over his face. He knew that there was no way Sirius could have known this and he knew it was mean, but he didn’t care. If there was one thing his parents had taught him, it was how to use any and all information at hand to break somebody, and he’d be damned if he didn’t do it now. He should have stopped there, but Regulus had been building all of this anger up since the day he was born and he knew that if he didn’t let it all go now, he never would; he could apologise and make everything up later but now he needed to put it all out there, lay it flat for everybody to see, no matter how cruel that made him. So just as Pettigrew opened his mouth to defend Sirius’s honour or try to alleviate some of the tension in the room, Regulus spoke again, losing all previous restraint for good, deciding that this was it. If Sirius wanted him back, he was going to have to deal with all the shit that came with it first.
He took a step closer, ignoring the way Sirius tensed up and James’s eyes darted between the two brothers in what could only be fear. “They never treated me the way they treated you, so I could fool myself into thinking they loved me,” He stated, almost wistfully, his sharp tone gone and replaced with a soft whisper, tainted with bitter resentment. “Until, of course, I realised that they didn’t. Because while they treated you as though you were a disease they needed to flush out, they treated me as a reserve. Something they could simply swap in when they decided to let you go. I heard the way they spoke about me, you know, when they thought I was asleep. The whelp, the coward, the other one. For all they presented me as their sweet golden child, they only ever saw me as the spare,” He paused. “And I think you knew.”
Sirius didn’t know, and if Regulus hadn’t already been aware of it, the look of bewilderment on his face was enough to confirm it. But that didn’t matter. What mattered is that he made everyone else feel as shit as he did and this was the fastest way to it. But while Sirius was too stunned to speak, the most dumbstruck in the corridor was undoubtedly James. Lupin and Pettigrew just shared a knowing look, as if they were expecting Regulus to be this vile boy he was coming across as, and Sirius had completely frozen in place, but James’s eyes said it all. He was very evidently struggling to comprehend everything in front of him.
“So,” Regulus went on. “For a while, all I had was you. I would never be their first choice but at least I could be yours, right?”
The group all seemed to realise where this was going, and he saw all four of them suck in deep breaths, preparing for the inevitable. At that, he let himself smile. The situation was entirely in his hands. He felt powerful. That was new, different. He let the voice of his mother continue to dictate his words and actions.
“But then,” He saw James out of the corner of his eye, clearly trying to get his attention. Almost desperately, he was shaking his head, eyes pleading for Regulus to stop. A small part of him wanted to but he was on a roll now, there was no stopping him. He didn’t let his eyes leave Sirius’s face, feeling equal guilt and satisfaction at the glassiness of his eyes. “You come home after your first year at school and you look so happy, Sirius.” He heard the slight waver in his voice but ignored it completely. “So much happier than I had ever seen you, despite Mother yelling about how much your sorting had disgraced us all. And at first, I thought you were happy because you’d missed me,” When he paused to let it sink in, he heard James mumble ‘shit’ under his breath. Sirius closed his eyes and Pettigrew looked away. Lupin was still staring at Regulus almost impassively. Fuck Lupin, he thought. Boring little so-and-so acting all high and mighty.
“It wasn’t until you snuck into my room that night that I realised just how wrong I was-”
Sirius opened his eyes and stepped backwards, crossing his arms over his chest. “I had missed you, I hadn’t seen you in months, Reg.”
He refused to show any signs of having heard Sirius. “When you started talking about your new best friend. You were talking to yourself more than me I think, when you started describing all the ridiculous little pranks you pulled and the midnight conversations you had. I think you had completely forgotten about me being in the room when you called him the brother you never had.”
Sirius looked pained but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
James made a pathetic, desperate whimpering noise from behind Sirius and Regulus almost let his gaze flicker over to him. Almost.
“I was hurt, of course, but it wasn’t until that September that I truly lost you. The moment the hat called Slytherin you took me out of the little ‘us’ category in your mind where this lot,” He gestured towards Sirius's friends, “Were and you put me in the ‘them’ category. That’s when I lost you. You finally replaced me that night, I watched it happen. Second choice son, second choice brother. I was starting to see a pattern.”
He stepped back, looking over Sirius’s face, assessing the damage he had caused. Yes, Regulus felt like shit, but he also felt an overwhelming sense of relief saying it all out loud. Maybe it was why Mother voiced all her cruel thoughts so often. Maybe she found it just as freeing as he did.
The four Gryffindors all seemed to be waiting for him to continue. Sirius no longer looked like he wanted to argue or defend himself and there were tears in the corners of his eyes. Good, Regulus told himself. It was good that he felt bad, that had been the aim all along hadn’t it?
All of the boys in front of him were wearing varying expressions of shock and guilt. Time to deal the final blow. Two birds with one stone, Barty always said. One more point and he would be done with this. Sirius had always had stronger emotional walls than James but Regulus knew how to tear them both down with ease and that was what he needed to do if he wanted to come clean properly. He knew that neither of them would ever have expected him to use this vulnerable information against them, but what was he if not a product of his parents’ experimentation?
Sirius’s weak point was James, and James’s was his intensified feeling of love in everything around him, so Regulus knew exactly what he needed to do next, despite how much his heart screamed at him not to. He shut out his feelings and heard his mother’s words repeating over and over in his mind, convincing himself James and Sirius deserved this. That this would fix things. He told himself he'd feel better after he'd done it.
Do it. Don’t be a coward, Regulus. Do it.
When he laughed it was cold and cruel and reminded him so strongly of his mother.
“Merlin,” He huffed, giving in to the evil inside him, feeling his parents’ wishes take over him fully, consuming everything like a tidal wave in his heavy mind and body. “Even my own boyfriend only agreed to be with me because the girl he liked didn’t want him.”
He’d never allowed himself to fully accept the fact before, but saying it out loud, it seemed to make more sense than ever. He didn’t know if it was because what he was saying was true or if it was just Walburga’s voice telling him so in his head. He supposed that if he was in his right mind, it would’ve seemed at least a little more absurd to say out loud, but he wasn’t too sure. It had always been a lingering fear, only now had he been brave enough to say it. Brave, no, he wasn’t brave. Brave was for Gryffindors. Only now had he been clever enough to see it for what it must be.
The corridor fell silent for a few moments, confusion evident on the faces of Sirius, Pettigrew, and Lupin. Well, Lupin and Pettigrew at least, Sirius mostly looked angry. Whether he was angry at Regulus for not telling him about important life developments or Regulus’s boyfriend for supposedly using him to get over a girl, Regulus didn’t know. Sirius just continued to stare at him, clearly waiting for some form of clarification or explanation so he knew where to direct his anger. But Regulus didn't care about Sirius at that moment, there was only one reaction he wanted.
When the reply finally came, James’s voice was broken and quiet, as if he had forced the words through a closed-up throat. By the sounds of it, he was already close to tears. It almost made Regulus feel bad.
“ That’s not true, ” All heads snapped to James, and he shrunk into himself slightly at the sudden attention from them all, scrubbing at the tear tracks on his face to hide any evidence of pain. He looked so different to how everybody usually saw him and Regulus would be lying if he said it didn’t make him feel a little ill. James never shied away from attention but it made sense for him to now with how utterly destroyed he looked. He wondered how much of that was from Regulus dismissing his feelings towards him and how much was from the verbal attack on Sirius.
“Isn’t it?” Regulus was very aware that he should stop. He had made both James and Sirius cry and proved his point but something in James’ hurt expression made him continue, desperate to explain himself and release all the fear that had festered in his mind for the past two years. He was no longer egged on by his mother’s voice, but by his own pain and confusion.
Sirius wasn’t breathing. He was staring between his best friend and brother, face contorted in disbelief and betrayal. So were the other two, but Regulus’s mind didn’t linger on them for long. They didn’t matter.
“No,” James whispered, pulling his arms tighter around himself. His usual happy, ball-of-energy persona was entirely void and the small span of time in which Regulus was able to do that to him scared him. Never before did he know how much power he held over James. He mentally promised himself never to do it again. “It's not true, Regulus. It's not.”
It hurt but Regulus had to push, he had to get this last little bit of pain out now or he never would.
He took a deep breath and stepped to the side so he was in line with James. He looked at him almost indirectly, staring at any point on his face other than his eyes. He knew James was crying and knew that if he looked up and saw it for himself, he wouldn’t be able to continue. He tried to lower his voice to seem less threatening but didn’t know how much of a difference it made. He also didn't know why he was being so gentle and careful now when just moments ago he hadn't cared about the feelings of anybody around him. He felt his mother's voice fade in his mind a little more.
“I don’t know if I can believe you, James. Since the moment I met you, your heart has been dead set on Lily. I mean, look at it from the start, do you remember the second thing you ever said to me?” James reached out weakly, barely reacting when Regulus moved his arm out of the way, simply letting his arm drop to his side. He couldn’t let himself give in to comfort or be distracted from his confession. He had to say everything.
“You said, right after you’d introduced yourself, ‘I can’t wait to introduce you to Lily, you'll love her. I’m going to marry her one day!’. The second thing you ever said to me. Even when we started talking at the beginning of my fourth year, you spoke about her more than you spoke about yourself.” He shoved his hands into his trouser pockets, looking down as to avoid seeing James’s reaction, still trying to sound direct and strong, probably failing. “And then when you stopped talking about her, I could tell you still thought about her. You say you love me but I know that you don’t belong to me in the way you do her. I don’t see why you would choose me when she’s clearly the one who holds your heart and the only plausible reason for you picking to be with me is that I’m the first person to show interest in you,” His voice was trembling and he struggled to breathe properly. “And you find it easy to look at me and pretend I’m her because I’m the second choice and I always have been and you can’t swan in and turn it all around because it doesn’t work like that. You can’t .” He stopped, letting himself breathe and refusing to look at James properly. He heard Sirius mutter something but couldn’t pick up on what it was. “You can't.” He repeated, weak and breathless.
Following the longest twenty seconds of his life, Regulus looked up at the gut-wrenching sound of James sobbing and felt reality wash over him in one immense wave, drowning him in the reality of what he’d done. All the guilt and doubt that had been poking through the daze in his mind had been intensified to the point where it was suffocating. He suddenly didn't know how he’d said any of the words that had left his mouth or how he hadn’t once thought to stop himself from doing so. In that single second, that one sound from James, everything became too real. It was so overwhelming that it held him in place, not letting him move away or look over at Sirius out of fear that it would cause his body to shut down. His gaze was fixed on James. It was torturous.
“How could you ever even think that? Who made you think- think I don’t love you? Because whoever it was, I swear to Merlin Reg, they were so wrong and you saying that hurts me because…- fuck, what did I do wrong? Please, Darling, please tell me what I did wrong to make you think I don’t love you because if I don’t know, I’ll…I’ll… Reggie please .”
He looked lost and wounded and so beautifully broken that Regulus felt his heart snap cleanly into two jagged halves. James’s pain was so strong that Regulus almost thought it would kill them both. Even if one day he was able to forgive himself for this, Sirius never would, and James never should. Regulus knew he would though. James was too caring, he forgave too easily. Regulus didn’t deserve his forgiveness this time, he knew that much. In an act of stupidity and entitlement, he had turned into his mother, and for that, there was no forgiveness. For somebody who despised her so much, he was a hell of a lot like her sometimes.
In the following seconds, everything shifted. James’s words set in, his guilt clinging to Regulus’s mind with claws sharper than knives, and he felt himself slip away once more, only this time he did not fall to anger and cruelty but to emptiness and guilt. His breathing quickened and grew more and more shallow; his vision began to blur, everything around him becoming shapes that hurt to look at. Regulus clenched his eyes shut and hung his head in line with his shoulders, his body becoming too heavy to hold upright. He reached out behind him to grip the wall, slipping down to the ground in order to give his fatigued body a rest. It had all happened so quickly that the first few times he tried to speak, all that came out were garbled sounds.
He tried a few more times, eventually able to manage a few words. “I- ju- James…don’t, I don’t- s-sorry, Siriu- I, but- shit.” His breath grew even more strained and reality faded further. “What did I- she…I don’t know- she got in my head, she’s in my head, wh- Sirius help,” He choked and spluttered on air, gripping tighter to the wall behind him. “I couldn’t- get rid of it. Hel- fuck.”
“No, no, no,” Sirius’s voice echoed around him. “Come on Regs, it’s okay, look. You're gonna be okay,” He sounded terrified, not at all reassuring. “ James, I haven’t dealt with him like this in years, fucking help me.”
He was minutely aware of the pain in his palms, his own nails digging into the flesh for a minute before warm, shaking hands pried them open, squeezing them tightly, both stopping him from hurting himself and beginning to ground him. James. He let his head fall back against the cold stone behind him and focused on regulating his breathing. Carefully, Regulus inhaled, counting in his head. He replayed James’s voice in his mind while he counted for in, hold, and out, knowing James was probably trying to talk him through it but being unable to hear anything other than his own thoughts and the static in his mind. He was so tired, the adrenaline flooding out of him, leaving him disoriented and exhausted. James continued to talk to him, saying words he could not make out, and he could swear Sirius put a hand on his shoulder when he had calmed down more.
By the time he drifted back into reality, Lupin and Pettigrew had stepped back considerably, supposedly to give him space, while James and Sirius were both directly in front of him. All Regulus could think was that he was tired.
He slipped his hands out of James’s grasp and rubbed at his face lazily, James and Sirius were staring at him with so much fear that he forced himself to speak, wanting to comfort them. To fix everything he'd just said.
“Sorry, ‘m alright now. I promise ‘s okay. Not your fault. ‘M too fucked up. You did…nothing wrong.” He looked up at both of them, hoping they heard the honesty in his voice. He dropped his volume a little, swallowing nervously. He closed his eyes again, knowing he couldn’t keep them open any longer. “You can go, I’m fine.”
The two boys stared at him in disbelief. Sirius scoffed and spoke first.
“You don't seriously think we're just going to leave you after that do you?” James nodded along with what Sirius was saying.
Regulus laughed. “Siriusly . ”
Unfortunately, his brother did not seem amused, which must have been a first, seeing as usually those jokes had him cackling like a hyena.
“ Regulus, ” His tone was warning, and the ‘shut up’ was able to remain unsaid while holding just as much bite.
Instead of arguing back, Regulus closed his eyes and turned his head to face the empty hallway. “Go away.”
“No,” Sirius sat down next to him, back against the wall. James mirrored him on the other side, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and pulling him into his side gently. “We're staying. You can't say a load of shit about her getting into your head and expect me to forget about it.” He paused for a second, considering what to say next. “And there's no way I'm leaving you here alone with James, after that little revelation.”
Snorting, Regulus allowed himself to relax in James’s hold. He didn't feel like he should be forgiven but he also knew that if he tried to refuse help, James would become more insistent until he caved. He managed to tune out Sirius’s little remarks about 'bro code' and a 'missing map’, instead focusing on the way James pressed a soft kiss into his hair.
“I'm sorry, Jem,” He mumbled. “I should have told you before so it didn't get like…” He waved his hand around vaguely. “This.”
“I know. You should have,” Regulus felt a pang of guilt but supposed he deserved it. “I'm mostly upset that you felt that way and didn't talk to me about it. And I'm slightly upset that you only said it to hurt me instead of coming to me about it earlier and discussing it sensibly,” He went on tentatively. “But I know why you did it. And I know you feel bad, and we can work on that later when you're not as vulnerable. And I still love you, even if you've been mean to me. That will never change.”
Regulus looked up and twisted around to face James properly, staring at him in silence for a while before lifting a hand slowly to hold his jaw and pull his boyfriend into a chaste, lingering kiss, hoping it would relax them a little more and convey his remorse. When he pulled back, he ignored the fact they had three other people staring daggers at him and continued to look at James.
“I really do love you. I don't think I'm your second choice and I don't want to be. I promise.” James smiled sadly and pulled Regulus into his chest, cradling him like something precious.
There was a moment of silence. Regulus pulled his head out of James’s chest -though he kept his arms tightly around him- and wrenched his neck around to look at Sirius, knowing he was the one circulating the most uncomfortable tension around the room.
His eye twitched but he appeared to be smiling. “I thought I’d never see the day,” Sirius smirked and stood up, looking down with a mischievous glint in his eyes. Regulus knew what he was trying to do. Deflection was Sirius’s way of coping with things he didn't like, always had been, probably always would be. If he could pretend James and Regulus’s relationship didn't exist, he absolutely would. “My sweet baby brother, I love you too.”
His attempt to lighten the mood was surprisingly successful -managing to pull snorts from both Pettigrew and James- but his efforts to change the subject fell short.
Despite himself, Regulus laughed wetly and rubbed at his eyes. “I was talking to James.” He grumbled, knowing that it was the last thing Sirius wanted him to say.
Sirius groaned in defeat and James smiled at both of them. He still seemed upset but he nodded, then pulled Regulus’s head back against his chest and let his left hand drag gently through his hair, smoothing it out from where he’d apparently pulled and tangled it in his panic. Trust James to know just how to calm him down and then proceed to go through each tender step when Regulus had just been a first-class dick to him.
“You okay, Mi Estrella?” Regulus nodded sleepily, ready to agree to everything James says if it means he gets to keep him, even though he doesn't deserve it.
Sirius grimaced, hands on his hips. “This is disgusting.”
In response, Regulus laughed and shuffled back a bit, swallowing his pride and giving his all into the following two words as he looked between the two people he had hurt.
“I’m sorry,” He repeated, stronger than the previous three times, and he found that he truly meant it. He heard a sigh.
“You said some foul bullshit tonight, Reg,” Sirius’s voice was firm and left no room for argument. Regulus stared guiltily up at him. “Not just to me, but to James too. We’re not going to forget about this and we will talk about it tomorrow because that was not okay and we have to discuss why it happened and how you can stop yourself from doing it again,” He made sure Regulus was listening, waiting for him to nod before he continued. “And then we're going to get you proper help because that was horrible for all three of us and you need somewhere to process the bullshit that hag made you believe. But for now,” He held a hand out and Regulus took it, wriggling out of James’s grasp and allowing himself to be pulled back onto his feet. “You’re going to come with us and you’re going to stay in our dorm where we can see you so we know that you're safe. And if anyone asks questions we'll get Moony to scare them off. Alright?”
Sirius had worded it like a question but Regulus knew he had no choice so he simply nodded. Lupin rolled his eyes but didn't say anything.
“Good.” Sirius grinned, the pain and anger in his eyes almost completely gone. James stood up and smiled too, taking a step towards his other friends and beckoning the brothers over so they could all walk to Gryffindor tower together.
Everything was still broken and his day had still been shit, but Regulus let himself pretend for just a moment that everything was okay. Maybe if he told himself enough he'd finally believe it.