Ashes and Dust

Darkness encroached at the edges of her vision, leaving her drowning in a sea of black. Only Sebastian’s light brown eyes remained in sight as her hand slid limply off her side. Breathing was near impossible, each inhale took the energy of a thousand men, and left her feeling like an elephant laid atop her chest. 

His lips were moving as he rushed to her side but she could hear nothing beyond the sound of her breathing, which seemed to slow with each passing second. He fell to the ground and hoisted her against him, her body limp in his arms as he pressed his hands against her ruined back.

Through all of this, all she saw were his eyes. A kaleidoscope of color— flecks of gold intermixed with a sea of rich chocolate. 

Ash faded out as she felt her body being laid back against the cold floor— though it didn't feel so cold anymore. Instead she felt fuzzy, like the edges of a memory you couldn’t quite recall. Through her fluttering eyes she saw his figure sprinting to the back of the Undercroft.

Then blackness. 

Ash awoke again to the feeling of a bitter liquid being shoved down her throat. She spluttered and coughed at the vile potion, her vision fading back in. Those brown eyes were locked on hers.

"Damn it, Ash!"

She gasped for breath, her ears ringing as she heard the panic in his ragged voice. He grasped her face hard, forcing her eyes to stay open as he stared down at her. His hot breath brushed against her face and she felt his hand press hard against the gash on her ribs. She could only manage a groan of pain.

"The potion’s too slow— there’s so much fucking blood—"

She focused on his hoarse voice as her eyes fluttered closed again. The thick air seemed like sludge in her lungs, as if she couldn't take a deep breath anymore. She had a fading thought as the coldness seeped into her skin— this wouldn't be so bad, not with him here. She wasn’t alone. 

"You don't get to do this to me.” He growled the words as he gripped her face, forcing her awake. "You don't get to walk back into my life and then leave me like this!"

Her eyes were so heavy, and she didn't feel his fingers gripping her face anymore. Couldn’t feel much of anything anymore. There was a stillness inside of her. Ash had only one thought running through her mind— 

I'm sorry for hurting you. 

She gagged as he shoved another potion down her throat.

Sebastian turned her body and laid her on her stomach, the movement causing a a faint whimper to leave her lips. He grasped the back side of her collar and she heard, rather than felt, the thick fabric rip down the middle. The cold air of the Undercroft licked at her blood-soaked skin.

Sebastian sucked in a breath as he took in her ruined back. Even in her state, she knew he saw the marks. His hand pressed hard against her wound and she jolted, "This is going to scar, Ash—"

He immediately dragged his wand over the gash, his mouth mumbling the healing incantation repeatedly.  He was always a better healer than her— better potioneer, just better. The skin began to slowly stitch together, a feeling she was now aware of. The multiple Wiggenwelds brought back a sense of clarity, along with the return of her immense pain.

Ash hissed, her teeth clenching together to fight the black spots from her vision. She felt the hand pressing against her ribs rub soothingly over the scarred skin.

"I know Ash— you've gotta stay awake for me." His voice was trembling as he continued to drag his wand over the gash, her muscles and skin stitching slowly. "Talk to me, you've gotta stay awake."

She groaned in pain, her voice feeling trapped in her raw throat. Words wouldn’t form, not with her mind swimming in a sea of blood and sinew. 

"Talk to me, Ash, tell me why green is your favorite color. Or fuck— anything just tell me something.”

He said her name like a command, as if he could keep her on this side of life from pure will alone. His wand kept moving along her ribs as he murmured the words, his thumb still brushing against her. Her mind was foggy, the thoughts sluggish, but she could feel the words begin to bubble from her lips.

"It's pr-pretty."

She choked the words out and his hand shuddered in relief against her back. She wished she was lucid enough to appreciate that he already knew her favorite color.

"It's pretty?" His voice was steady as he spoke, but his trembling hand against her skin betrayed his confidence. "Come on Ash, you can do better than that."

She could feel the dripping blood from her injury slowly ceasing. She took in her first deep breath since she stumbled into the Undercroft.

Why was green her favorite color? It was the hue of the trodden moss in the forbidden forest, the dew-slicked grasses of the highlands. It was the shade of the vinery trickling around the Room of Requirement. It was the color of his tie, a shade of emerald so lovely she could drown in it. It was the flicker of a memory of her mother's eyes.

"Feels like home."

The words were a rasp from her throat and she shuddered as his thumb brushed her ribs again. His wand pulled away from her skin and he moved to pull her up from the floor. Sebastian wrapped his arm around her midsection and gently tugged her upwards and back towards him so she was resting against his chest.

She was exhausted, the pain gradually ebbing her with every deep breath she forced into her lungs. He reached to the side with his free arm and brought another Wiggenweld to her lips.

"Last one Ash, drink up."

She swallowed the bitter potion, her hands slack at her sides as she let him tip it into her mouth. Her leather fighting shirt was haphazardly slung across her, the ripped-open back hanging at her sides. She didn't care; didn't care about anything but feeling the blood pumping steadily through her veins again.

They sat in silence, Sebastian pressed against the wall and her pressed against him. Her body was trembling, shock and cold and blood loss leaving her feeling flayed. Sebastian’s scent wrapped around her, old weathered books and autumn leaves, a comfort to her senses. Ash could feel his pounding heart at her back, could feel the way he tried to get his breathing back under control.

Her eyes swept over the room, taking in the familiar cold stones. Her eyes fell on a spot close to the back of the room. The last time she was here... she could still see the betrayal lacing Sebastian's features. Could still hear the crack in her voice as she hurt him so throughly—

"How did it happen?"

Sebastian murmured the words as if it was secret conversation from even the still air of the Undercroft. The softness in his voice snapped her from her memories. She let out a shaky breath. She wouldn't lie about this, lies required focus which she thoroughly lacked right now.

"I went searching for information on Harlow." She whispered back, her throat was no longer ragged but it felt more comforting to whisper these words to him. A secret, for his ears only. 

He let out a sigh, as if he had already guessed her answer, "Where did you go?" The tension she felt from his body made her believe he had many more questions, but he kept the irritation from his voice.

"Cragcroft— a poacher camp."

His thumb had stopped idly brushing against her side and she could almost hear the thoughts running through his mind.

"And what did you find?"

His tone was filled with irritation but there was a hint of curiosity layered in his words. She found little at the camp. Her inadequacy with her wand was the only thing she unfortunately discovered.

There was tug on her memory, her mind pushing through the images of carnage, of her own blinding pain, — a glinting object peaking from a crate.

"The poachers are working for Harlow again, and they have crates of silver." She let out a breath, "I didn't get to see what they were using it for." She went to pull from his grasp but he made no move to release her.

He let out a sigh, his fingers tightening on her side, "Can you not do anything that stupid again?" His irritation finally overcame his concern it seemed.

She shook her head, twisting around in his grasp to look into his brown eyes. The movement tugged at her newly scarred skin and she winced.

"I've handled worse than poachers."

His jaw clenched in annoyance and he brushed a finger over the sensitive flesh on her ribs to prove a point, "You're out of practice, Asha."

Her eyes narrowed at his use of her full name and she saw the corner of his lips quirk upward. His eyes searched her face for a moment before his smirk fell away, "Did they get away?"

She tensed in his grasp, her mind reeling as she thought about the blown apart bodies, the mist of blood that still covered her skin mingling with her own. She felt the lump in her throat and all she could manage was a shake of her head.

He seemed to hesitate before he nodded and brushed his thumb over her side again. The movement set a blaze on her sweat slicked skin.

"Good."

She let out a breath at his acceptance of her confession. Though her mind drifted back, back to when she had called him a monster for far less. It seemed almost a punishment that he didn't say the same to her. She had done so much worse.

The silence stretched around them for what felt like an eternity. Ash lost herself in her swirling tempest of thoughts, brought back occasionally by the swipe of his thumb on her side.

"How did you get the others?"

His words slammed her back into the present and she tensed in his grasp. She had hoped that he hadn't noticed when he was healing her. This was not something she wanted to talk about— never wanted to with Garreth, not with Oliver and his incessant questions, and especially not with Sebastian.

She didn't respond. She stared at the far wall in front of her as if she could pretend he never asked at all. He let out a sigh, the breath fanning against the back of her head.

"Ash you have never once talked about your life before Fig found you, and I've respected that and never questioned you." His voice was cautioned, as if he feared her bolting from the room. "But I have to know that when you go home for the summers, when you leave Hogwarts, that you don't go home to a family that hurts—"

"I don't go home for the summers, Sebastian."

She mumbled the words, cutting him off before she had to hear the rest of his thoughts on the matter. She could almost feel his mind whirring, especially with how his body had stilled at her back. She didn't want to say anymore, didn't want her memories of her life before Hogwarts thrown back to the forefront of her mind. Though, her dreams of late had been plagued with faces she had thought she'd forgotten.

"What do you mean?"

His hands pulled at her sides as if to turn her around but she kept her vision firmly on the wall in front of her. She knew if she looked into his pity-filled eyes she'd break. She didn't want that from him— from anyone, but especially not him.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You don't want to talk about anything, anymore."

She shut her eyes and let out a breath, "I know." The silence enveloped them like a shroud and the darkness behind her closed eyes brought her thoughts back to that spot near the back of the room.

"I didn't mean it," she whispered, "What I said that night... I didn't mean it. You have to know that."

He tensed behind her and she kept her eyes closed. Part of her wanted to turn to see his expression— wanted to see the hate and betrayal line his features again but she couldn't bring herself to do it. He didn't answer and that felt almost worse than any hate-filled words he could've slung at her.

"I've done far worse than you." her voice was shaky and she clenched her hands in her lap, "I didn't mean it, Sebastian."

"I don't want to talk about this."

He echoed her earlier words and she squeezed her eyes tighter. She didn't know what to do, didn't know how to fix what was so irrevocably broken between them.

"Okay."

Ash breathed the word out as if it could repair the damage done. She could feel herself crumbling in his grasp and she desperately tried to keep the pieces of herself together. She worried her bottom lip, tugging at the chapped skin with her teeth. She didn't know how the silence between them could feel this suffocating.

"How'd you know my favorite color was green?"

The words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them. He let out a breath behind her, the warm air sending goosebumps across her neck.

"Because I pay attention." He murmured the words and let his thumb once again brush against her ribs. A movement that seemed to be not just for her, but the both of them. She relaxed against his touch as he spoke again, "Anytime we were out of the castle, you had to stop and stare at every rolling hill or moss covered rock." He let out a soft chuckle, "In winter, you never could be bothered to stop."

She let a soft smile pull at her lips, "What if I just liked summer?"

He chuckled, the sound vibrating against her back, "You complained about how hot it was too often for that to be the reason."

"I never complained!" Her protest was met with another chuckle and she finally opened her eyes. She turned her face to look at him, and saw the smirk plastered on his lips.

"I don't know if there was a single escapade where you didn't complain about something, Ash."

She huffed a breath at his words causing the smirk to spread further across his face. She didn't argue, she knew he was right. She always hated how the sweat dripped down her back in summer or how her toes would fall numb in her boots during winter. She didn't realize however that she had aired all of her grievances out to Sebastian.

He let out a soft breath as he searched her face, "I thought I'd lost you," he gripped her side, "Merlin, there was so much blood."

She swallowed hard, her throat bobbing as she stared up at him. She'd almost died— had come closer than she ever did during fifth year.

"Seems like you were the prepared one this time, with all of those Wiggenwelds."

Her mouth quirked up into a soft smile as she tried keep the conversation from slipping back into something bleak. He shook his head, his voice firm as he spoke. "You're not doing this alone."

Her brows furrowed at his words but before she could open her mouth, he continued, "If you are adamant on finding information about Harlow, you aren't doing it alone."

"Sebastian I can—"

"You can't. You can't fight your own battles and until you can again, then I'm fighting them with you."

She saw the resolution written in his brown eyes and she let out a breath. "Ominis won't want—"

"I don't care about Ominis and his righteous cause of protecting me." His eyes burned into hers, "I won't allow him to cast you out any longer, and I won't allow you to kill yourself on some self-sacrificial path."

She felt the tears prickle in the corner of her eyes and she turned her body back around. She stared at the far wall and wondered what she had done to deserve his kindness again.

"Okay."

The word was barely audible as she whispered into the cold room. He relaxed at her back at her acceptance. They sat in silence for what felt like hours before she spoke again, "We should go to bed."

She leaned forward and pulled her legs into herself to attempt to stand. Sebastian's grip tightened at her waist as he helped brace her. She grabbed his wrists and pushed herself into a standing position before she gasped in pain and slid back down. He caught her as she dropped to the ground and let out a huff of air as she pressed back against him.

"We'll just stay here tonight."

He murmured the words against the back of her head and she bit her lip. Stay the night? Like this? Her heart fluttered at the idea but she sighed and began to protest—

"Ash, you can barely stand. Just lay here and get some rest, Merlin knows you've slept in worse places than this."

He mumbled the last few words and she wondered if he was referring to her camping in caves during fifth year, or her late nights with Garreth.

She let out a breath, "Your back is going to kill you tomorrow."

He huffed a breath and leaned his head back against the wall. She could almost feel him rolling her eyes as he settled her closer against his chest.

"I'll manage."

His thumb resumed its vigil against her ribs and she felt the exhaustion weighing heavily on her, as if her very bones were tired. Sebastian flicked his wand at his side and the chandeliers dimmed to embers. The darkness sank into her so throughly she couldn't remember if she had already closed her eyes.