Sins and Confessions
Silence filled the room at her words, thick and heavy. Ash’s heart was beating so loud she was sure the two boys could hear it from across the room.
"What?-"
"-You. did. what?"
Sebastian and Ominis spoke at the same time, Sebastian's tone sounding more shocked compared to the anger that laced Ominis' words. Sebastian had been aware of her journey fifth year with ancient magic, Ranrok, and Rookwood— and had assisted her on excursions many times himself. Ominis, however, well she didn't tell Ominis about her trials until that night in the Undercroft when it all went to shit. The secrets had only added to the betrayal the blond boy had felt, and his retribution had been swift.
"I took the ancient magic from the repository."
Sebastian and Ominis exchanged startled glances, their expressions a mix of shock and confusion. "The repository?" Ominis repeated, disbelief and frustration evident in his voice. "What? Why in Merlin's name would you do that?"
She stared up at them from the floor, her hands still gripping the banister. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. Her nerves were flayed, throat ragged from the magic that had ripped from her— after that display how could she explain herself to them?
"You told me that Isidora's emotion magic— or whatever it was— was too dangerous... too wild to use to help Anne..."
Her eyes snapped to Sebastian at his words— to the accusation written across his face. She had refused to help his sister with her ancient magic, had drawn the line not at using Unforgivables, but at that. And she knew what his look meant— you wouldn't help Anne but you took it for yourself. Sebastian’s eyes were hard as he stared at her, as if all the trust she had gained back was slowly ebbing away. She couldn't meet his gaze any longer and she looked instead at the burn mark on his shirt that had went clean through to his skin.
"Do— do you need a Wiggenweld?"
Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke. Neither boy responded, both of them just staring at her.
She grabbed her wand shakily, whispering the summoning charm under her breath. She caught the potion once it ripped free from the damaged potions drawer, the coolness of the small vial a salve to her burning skin. Ash laid the glass bottle on the ground and attempted to roll it across the scorched floor towards the two boys.
The potion hit Ominis' foot, causing the boy the flinch at the sudden touch. He reached down and plucked it from the floor before handing it over to Sebastian. Ominis seemed to be in shock— he didn't have any major burns like Sebastian, as far as Ash could tell, but he was holding the back of his head. She quickly muttered the charm again and slid the last Wiggenweld across to them.
Sebastian's stare was burning holes into her even as he drank the potion but she didn't dare look up at him and the betrayal once again lacing his features. His voice broke the silence once again.
"You told me that you couldn't help Anne with that power and yet—"
"And yet nothing," She interrupted Sebastian's condemning words, "I can't control it." She stared at the floor, her voice raw as she spoke. She wouldn't dare have used her ancient magic on Anne, not after she had seen the damage it caused Isidora’s victims, not like that— and not even when her magic was controllable. To even think about doing it with the abyss of magic inside her now was laughable.
"Clearly."
Ominis' voice was harsh as he leaned against the scorched wall and ran a hand over his face. She didn't know what to say to him— to either of them. Her eyes trailed down to her hands.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke, her eyes fixed on her hands. She was sorry for a lot of things— for hurting them of course but more than that; she was sorry for not telling them about the repository sooner, for ruining their friendship, for enabling Sebastian and causing him to—
"You still haven't answered why you took the magic in the first place." Ominis' voice snapped her from her spiraling. It was laced with frustration and she continued staring at her hands, flexing her fingers. Sebastian hadn't said a word since she interrupted him, so she dared a glance up at him. His eyes were fixed on her with an unreadable emotion.
"You should both go." Her voice was hoarse as she spoke. She didn't want to explain it to them— didn't know how to explain why she had taken it. It was better for them to go, lest her magic slip its leash once more.
"Absolutely not."
Sebastian's tone was sharp as he stood from the floor. He made to take a step towards her and she pushed further against the banister behind her, cracking it further. He stopped in place and fixed her with a stare, "You aren't going to kick us out and hide away in here, drinking yourself to death."
"Tell us why you took the magic, Asha."
She flinched at that name. Ominis' frustrated voice almost overlapped with Sebastian's words and she flickered her gaze to him.
"I don't know why."
Her voice was sharp as she stared at Ominis. She didn't want to talk about this—
"You're saying you took that magic without a reason? I don't believe that, you've never done anything without a reason."
Her eyes snapped back to Sebastian at his words. The two stood side by side now, and she looked of the cornered and kicked dog she felt inside. Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest as he stared down at her. She stared back at him, at those brown eyes that were filled with confusion and hurt and something else—
"I believe we deserve to know the reason Asha, after you blasted us with a wave of—"
That fucking name. That name from his mouth—
"I had to take it!"
She spit the words out as she stared at the floor. Her heavy breathing the only sound in the room.
"I was just so angry. Angry at you—," she glanced up at Ominis from where she kneeled on the ground, and she saw him flinch as if he knew that anger was directed at him despite not seeing her glare. She took a shaky breath and looked back at the ground, "—angry at Ranrok for killing— for killing Professor Fig, angry at myself for not being able to do anything about it." She squeezed her eyes closed and let out a broken laugh, "And it was right there— right there in front of me... calling to me." She could see it behind her closed eyes, the way the magic had flowed around her from the broken crack in the repository. The way it had whispered to her, just out of reach.
"And I knew— I knew it would never end. There would always be another Ranrok." She could see herself standing there in that cavern, Fig's lifeless body next to her on the ground as she screamed and screamed and screamed— "And I knew I couldn't leave it there to be taken— I didn't want to leave it there because I wanted it." She remembered how it felt when she reached her hand out towards the red flowing tendrils, how it burned as it touched her skin, how it burned her nose as she breathed it in, "Because I knew if I had it, no one else could."
And she could finally be powerful. Finally hurt those that had hurt her for so long. She didn’t say it, but she knew Sebastian could read it on her face. Not that the magic had given her the power she wanted. No, instead she’d turned into a shriveled version of herself, locked away in a self-imposed isolation. But part of her knew, if she hadn’t taken that magic, Ominis’ damnation would’ve broken her anyway.
The silence swallowed the room, only her heavy breathing filling the space.
"You are just like Sebastian.” The venom in Ominis' voice caused her head to snap up and she stared at him, and then at Sebastian who didn't dare look anywhere but the floor, "The same excuses— you had to do it. How many times do we have to go down this path?"
Ominis pulled his wand up and she clenched her jaw, readying for whatever hex he'd send her way. She watched the red light flicker on as he turned, "How many times are you going to prove me right?" He spit the words out and stormed out of the room.
The room fell into a suffocating silence as Ominis slammed the door behind him. His departure left a void, a heavy weight that settled upon her shoulders. She finally stood from where she kneeled against the banister, her eyes taking in the damage of the room before settling on Sebastian.
She watched as he slowly lifted his gaze from the marble, his eyes meeting hers with a mix of emotions she couldn't hope to understand.
"It couldn't help Anne?" His tone was soft, as if he already knew the answer to his question.
"No Sebastian." Her voice felt like sand in her throat. He nodded absently at her words and worked his jaw as he stared back at the floor. He turned and stepped towards the arched door as she watched silently—
He stopped as his hand met the knob and he spoke over his shoulder, his voice echoing in the chamber.
"Do you regret it?"
She blinked at his words. She regretted many things in her life, many of which during her time at Hogwarts. But this? That choice she’d made in a cavern, forced to be a weapon as an age when she should’ve been nothing more than a child?
"No, I don't regret it."
Sebastian's grip on the doorknob tightened, his body tense as he absorbed her response. His eyes met hers as he looked over his shoulder. There was a flicker of understanding in his eyes, as if he had expected her answer.
"Sometimes, we do what we must to survive, to protect ourselves and those we care about."
There was a depth to his gaze that conveyed a shared understanding, as if he had already glimpsed the darkness she had faced within herself. As if he wasn’t afraid of it.
Sebastian turned the doorknob slowly, his eyes turning from hers once more as he slipped from the Room.
She felt a mixture of relief and sadness wash over her as she stared at the archway. Relief that Sebastian seemed to comprehend the weight of her decision, and sadness that they had both been burdened with such trials at such a young age. Their lives had been far from ordinary, but in the past they had found solace and strength in each other's presence. A numbness washed over her, as she stood in the epicenter of her wrought destruction.
She didn't know which of her sins she was paying for, every time she had to watch him leave.