Saturday, February 13th, 2016
“Babe, can I ask you a question?” Remus got the attention of his boyfriend who was reading a Jane Austen book a few feet away on another couch in the room of requirement.
“What?” Severus looked up, responding, once he finished the paragraph he was on, and subsequently the whole chapter.
“I’m not trying to be rude,” The werewolf assured, “but why is your hygiene so bad? I mean: I know your dad doesn't make much money and wastes most of what he does, but your best friends are Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black who are probably the richest people at school, definitely up there. So, why don’t you just have them buy stuff for you?”
“I don’t know how.” The ravenette seemed embarrassed to admit.
“You don’t know how to ask? I’m sure they won’t mind, they already buy you a bunch of random gifts on their own, so—”
“No.”
“No?”
“I know how to ask; I’m not one of those poor people who are too embarrassed to admit it, I’m just fine with so-called handouts, especially from friends, I couldn’t survive without them.”
“Then what don’t you know how to do?”
“Take care of myself.”
“Huh?”
“All that hygiene stuff—washing myself, brushing my hair/teeth, eating properly, buying good clothes that I like, etc.—I don’t know how to do that.”
“How don’t you know?”
“How would I be able to? My parents never taught me, they didn’t even potty train me, I did that myself. I taught myself how to use the toilet, read, write—everything. But, I wasn’t able to mimic or genius my way into hygiene and comfort stuff. Nothing to mimic because my family neither have the money for all that or ability because of generational poverty and abuse, as for geniusing my way into it…well, there’s not exactly books about brushing your teeth, not that I know of at least. Definitely didn’t when I was like three.”
“....I had never considered how that part of existence could be so affected by neglect. And I know we joke about it, but you really are a genius, and your autism helps with mimicking, many people don’t have those privileges. I can’t even imagine how many people were forced to be incontinent or potty train themself as an adult because their parents didn’t do their responsibility and they weren’t able to teach themself as a toddler like you did.”
“Of course you didn’t know. When someone doesn’t have good hygiene, nutrition, and/or wearable clothes people don’t try to help or understand why, especially when they technically have access to the stuff they need, they just judge. We often don’t know how to take care of ourselves, and regardless we may not know where to get the stuff, or may be too mentally ill to do any of it. Not to mention how many children are neglected by their parents just because they’re disabled, so they wouldn’t be able to take care of themself anyway. My autism doesn’t disable me in a way where I would need a full time carer as an adult to survive, but because of how my parents quote-unquote raised me, I will.”
“Why will you need a carer?”
“I can’t cook because I can’t be around anything I could use to hurt myself, I can’t drive or use any sort of magical transportation because of trauma associated with them, I won’t be able to have the typical person's job if I can work at all, I struggle with dressing myself especially when it comes to buttons and laces, honestly I could go on. I just don’t have the skill set or ability to learn certain skills that are needed to live independently as an adult.”
“I could do all of that.”
“It’s a nice sentiment, Rem, but I really can’t expect you to parent me. You’re my boyfriend, you don’t deserve to have to do all that, really. It’s fine, I’ll just get a caregiver, somehow find a way to pay them, and…well, whatever else I have to do.”
“I disagree. We’ve only been together for a couple months, and there’s no guarantee we’ll even make it to graduation, but if we do, I think it only makes sense for me to take care of you. That’s what partners do. What’s the point of being in a deeper relationship with someone if you didn’t even do more for them than just what you do with friends or whatever? It’s just how dating, marriage, all that works.”
“It’s not fair.”
“Why not? You help me with potions, and I know you really like sweeping and doing the dishes, so you are/will be helping me too.”
“That’s different.”
“You’re right, it is different. Doing dishes is harder than tying shoes, but I’ll also be doing chores, so it evens out.”
“....I don’t want to be a burden.”
Remus sighed in a sympathetic way, resisting the urge to close the space between them and rub the other boy’s head as he knew Severus didn’t like touch when he didn’t explicitly ask for it first. “You’re not a burden, honey. A burden is, by definition, a heavy load, and your needs aren’t hard at all. Besides, something can’t be a burden if you want to do it, and I want to help and take care of you.”
“Is it just because I’m autistic? Do you feel bad for me? Is that it?”
“Not at all, I do feel bad for you, but I would for anyone who had been through what you have. But, that doesn’t have anything to do with me wanting to take care of you, definitely not because of your autism, I would want to take care of anyone I was in a relationship with, not even just romantic ones. I just like taking care of people I care about, it’s just the same as how I let Sirius sleep in my bed with me after he has a nightmare.”
“There’s a difference between sharing a bed with someone on occasion and dressing them.”
“Yeah, but you and Sirius are different people, we have different relationships. Sirius is just my friend, a close one, yes, but just a friend. But, you, Severus, are my boyfriend, my lover….I know you hate the term, I know we’re new to each other, but I wouldn’t despise calling you my soulmate.”
“Soulmates aren’t real.” He stared down at the hard, front, cover of his book, sitting in his lap.
“I didn’t say they were….But, if they were, you would be mine.”
“It’s too early to know.”
“And yet, I know.”
“You haven’t even said you love me yet.”
“Lucius told me not to.”
“What?” Severus looked up.
“When we started dating Lucius and Narcissa gave me some advice about dating you, I know my friends did the same for you.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, Lucius said to let you say I love you first, because you associated love with your parents and you didn’t want to be like them. I had to let you do everything at your pace, couldn’t rush you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you’ve done nothing wrong.”
“You shouldn’t have to wait for me to figure out all my bullshit; you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t freak out about a dumb three word sentence.”
“I don’t mind, I would want to do it at a pace you were comfortable with anyway, because….Because you’re my soulmate….Y’know, if they were a real thing.”
“Is that your way of saying you love me?”
“If you’re comfortable with it.”
“....I would maybe consider you to be my soulmate too….If they were a real thing….”
“Do you need help?” Remus brought them back to the original conversation once he thought the moment lasted long enough. He never wanted it to end, but it had to and they needed to talk about Severus’s hygiene problems. “I mean with learning how to do all that stuff.”
“Yeah, I need help, but….You don’t have to do it.”
“Of course I don’t have to, I don’t have any responsibility to do anything with or for you. I’m just a teenage boyfriend you’ve been with a couple months, been friends with for less than a year.”
“So, why did you offer?”
“Because I want to.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” Remus shot back.
“No one has before….I mean Lou and Cissa would try if I asked, but they wouldn’t be so determined, wouldn’t offer it up themselves….And my parents….”
“I’m better than your parents.”
“You definitely are….I much prefer Jewish to antisemitic.”
“Your parents are antisemitic?”
“Well, my father said I was no better than Hitler, then again, he may just hate me….It doesn’t matter, he’s racist anyway.”
“You’re so much better than Hitler.”
“Am I?” Severus pulled back the left sleeve of his black hoodie, showing Remus his Dark Mark. “It’s not that uncommon to correlate HIM and Hitler, and here I am with this mark….This mark and a Jewish werewolf boyfriend…how ironic.”
“They may be similar in some ways, but they’re not the same person. You’re not antisemitic, and you’re not a blood supremacist. It’s not your fault HE’s forcing you to follow HIM…you’re just a child.”
“I’m sixteen, I’m old enough to know better.”
“You do know better, you don’t actually support him….Is it safe to have this conversation?”
“Remus, it isn’t safe for me to be in the same room as you.”
“Maybe I should leave.”
“Don’t you dare.”
“I don’t want to put you in danger. HE could kill you.”
“HEwill kill me, let’s be honest here, Rem. I’m a halfblood, if he wins the war I’ll be the first on the chopping block….I don’t care; I lo—”
“What?” Remus knew what he had been about to say and didn’t know how he was supposed to remain calm, but he also didn’t want to scare the slightly older boy away.
“You’re my soulmate before I’m a Death Eater. You are my soulmate, but I’m not really a Death Eater, I just wear the clothes….You’re the real one, not HIM.”
Remus could lie and say that he wasn’t disappointed that Severus hadn’t followed through in telling him about the love he felt for the werewolf, but he wouldn’t. Still, he was Severus’s soulmate and that was enough. “You’re so much better than Hitler.”
“I hope so.”
“....Do you want my help?”
“With the hygiene stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want anyone’s help, but….If I have to choose someone to teach me, and I do, then I would prefer you over anyone else.”
“So, yes?”
“Am I your soulmate?”
“Yeah.” Remus whispered, this felt important.
“Then yeah….I can handle your help….Because you’re my soulmate.” Severus was no louder.
“Okay.”