It's James who finds her first, knees tucked up to her chin, eyes shining.
"Mary," it comes out in a relieved breath, James' shoulders sink and he smiles easily, before seeing the forlorn expression on her face. "Mary?"
"Hi James." She mumbles into the nylon of her tights, sucking tears down her throat.
'Oh Mary!" He piles himself onto the ledge, contorting his long legs to fit and pulling her into his chest. It should be a comfort but his easy kindness just brings all Mary’s feelings to the surface and she sobs as he holds her tightly, rocking back and forth and whispering it'll be okay.
"What's wrong?" He asks gently once the crying slips into a sad silence.
Mary shakes her head agressively over and over.
"Don't make me say it James."
She closes her eyes tightly and all she can see is Lily shouting the words to Abba and grinning at her, pulling her into a spin, eyes sparkling, cheeks pink. Beautiful. Always so beautiful.
"Mary," He presses a brief kiss into her hair and squeezes her. "Just tell me, it can't be that bad."
She twists her face into his armpit, muffling her voice as she chokes out the words she hasn't dared to say out loud before.
"I'm in love with your girlfriend."
James stills but doesn't let go. From where she's wedged into his bunched up school shirt she feels a sharp intake of breath followed by a long exhale.
"Mary. Mary, look at me."
He tugs on a braid.
"Mary." It's soft and a little desperate.
She slowly lifts her face and stares up at James, her eyes flicking from the creases between his eyebrows to the tightness around his mouth.
"It's okay," he whispers and Mary feels the lump in her throat again. "I’m not upset. Lily is very easy to love, I don't blame you for that. I know how it feels to be where you are right now.”
Mary's eyes well and she sucks down a shaky breath.
"But you aren't here now." Her voice wavers. "She loves you back, James. You're going to get married, and-" she takes a moment to compose herself, "and have a whole life together loving each other. I'm not going to get that." By the end she is talking so quietly James has to lean in to hear.
"She loves you, Mary." James tells her, rubbing a reassuring hand on her back.
"But not like I love her." Her voice breaks and she starts to shake again, before giving into the sobs.
James rocks her and kisses her hair and whispers reassurances that Mary doesn't hear. She wishes it wasn't James here, she wishes he wasn't being so nice. I want to break up your relationship, she thinks, I want Lily to hate you, I tried so hard to stop her from wanting you. She isn’t someone James should be kind to.
"I'm sorry." James tells her over and over and Mary just let's herself feel wretched, let's herself be held, wondering if she will ever see Lily and not want to reach out and touch the freckle on her lip or the scar from shutting her finger in the car door when she was four. Wondering if James will ever be able to look at her without knowing exactly what she wishes to do to his girlfriend.
They stay curled up together, the noise of the common room a distant murmur, heartbreak spilling into an aching sadness, their limbs numb and alcohol fading from their systems. After a while Mary can't tell who exactly is holding on to who.
.
Lily finds them quickly, knowing exactly where Mary would hide, where Mary would feel most safe. Her breath catches when she takes in the scene before her; Mary curled up in James lap, both clinging to each other, tears in their eyes.
Her whole body freezes, eyes frantically searching for something she isn't entirely sure she could name. Bile rises in her throat and she feels dizzy, taking uneven steps backwards away from her boyfriend and her best friend.
She falls into the first classroom she finds and pushes her palms into her eyes until she can see streaks of purple and red in the depths of her eyeballs.
He can't - he can't. Not when she can't.
She fixates over the way his hands were soothing down Mary's back and how Mary's cheek was pressed against his chest. Close, too close. Why was he allowed to be that close? Why had Mary slipped so eagerly into his arms?
She wants, she wants.. she's angry.
Lily is raging, half tempted to go back in and pull them off each other, slap James and kiss Mary. Kiss Mary? Where did that come from? No. Slap Mary, kiss.. James? Scream at them both, push Mary into the wall, hips pressed together, pull her hair and hiss her name.
Maybe this is why Mary wants him, why she lets him hold her so close, because he's kind and gentle where she would be fire and bruises. When she touches Mary it burns; whether it's brushing past her to slip onto the bench at breakfast or hands meeting as they pass a textbook or a quick flushed kiss during spin the bottle. Mary always flinching away at Lily’s searing touch. But James, James is soothing, sweet.
They can't have each other, she thinks angrily, and the pain rips through her body. She can't bear to watch. She'll change dorm. Fuck, she'll change house, beg the sorting hat to stick her in the dungeon where she belongs with the boy who understands as much as she does what it's like to hurt.
She fumbles for the door handle and pulls herself out of the classroom and rushes back to the common, not daring to glance back to the ledge, not wanting to witness on any further progression, not trusting that she could tear her eyes away from Mary being taken apart. Bile rises and in two quick movements she throws up and flicks out a scorgify to clean the floor.
Back in the common room, Remus and Sirius are laced around each other, Sirius' hands in Remus' pockets, staring only at each other. Marlene is teasing Dorcas, a flush across both their cheeks. Peter is dancing with a sixth year girl from the chess club, swaying off beat.
It's too much and it’s not enough. She turns and pushes back through the portrait, slamming straight into a towering, willowy body.
"Sorry, oh I'm so sorry." She looks up at the nervous face of Regulus Black, who frowns down at her.
.
Lily is the last person he wants to see. He knew there would be a distinct likelihood of having to see her at the party, that he would have to watch her smile and laugh and toss her gorgeous red hair over her shoulder as James stares and stares. It was one of the reasons he'd been stood outside, the portraits teasing him for his indecision as he tugged on his hangnails with his teeth.
Lily’s not smiling now. Her eyes are wild and her hair is half unravelled from its long braid. Regulus scans her face, taking in the red of her eyes and her scrubbed raw cheeks.
"Are you okay?" He asks hesitantly, not sure whether he wants to know the answer.
"What are you doing here?" She snaps out and not for the first time Regulus wonders what exactly his brother has told everyone about him.
"I was invited. To the party?”
"Oh." Lily deflates. They are still standing close and her forehead almost rests on his chest. "You can go in if you want, it's a bit.. loved up in there, though."
Regulus quirks an eyebrow.
"But not you?" It falls out involuntarily.
"Astute observation, baby Black. Not me, no." She drags her hand over her face and let's out a deep breath.
Regulus feels out of his depth. He has no idea how to be reassuring or comforting, particularly not to a girl. Particularly not to a girl who happens to be dating the secret love of his life.
"Ugh." Lily groans and unexpectedly leans in to Regulus, grabbing his biceps and banging her head against his chest. "I don't know what to do." Each word punctuated with her forehead hitting his body. She must be a little drunk, he thinks, startled by the physicality of Lily's frustration and the ease at which she pulls him towards her. He awkwardly pats her on the shoulder.
"It'll be okay." He’s not sure what else to say.
"Have you ever wanted someone so badly that not having them makes you feel sick?" She asks, looking up at him with big eyes, hands still on his arms.
Regulus gulps and tries to hold eye contact, aware of the heat spreading up his neck. It doesn't sound like she's talking about him, it doesn’t sound like an attack. But it is scarily close to the truth. Compelled by her pleading eyes, he opens his mouth and answers honestly.
"Yes." He whispers, "I know exactly what that feels like." Relief and terror ache in his throat at the admission.
"Does it ever get easier?" She whispers back, still staring up at him.
"Not really." He breathes, and she crumbles into him. Regulus holds her, arms stiff and a little uncomfortable, and Lily sobs. He has no idea how to extract himself, so for a second he allows himself to sag into the embrace, for once not having to pretend that he’s okay. He lets himself believe that Lily actually knows how he feels. Let’s himself forget that she has the very thing he wants.
It’s almost nice.
.
James stands in the corridor completely still, ice leaking down his spine. After Mary slunk off to the toilets to wash her face, he'd wandered back towards the common room, head whirring. But his thoughts of how to navigate how much to share with Lily about his conversation with Mary are abruptly halted as he comes face to face with his girlfriend; laughing in the arms of another boy, body shaking, pressed up close. It takes him longer than it should to realise that the boy is Regulus.
Regulus. He takes in a sharp breath. He hasn't seen Regulus since the last Gryffindor party, when they'd snuck up to the astrology tower and gasped into each other's mouths as they frantically stuffed their hands down each other's trousers. They'd never spoken about it, not that night under the stars, not over the summer when Regulus stayed in his guest room and avoided all eye contact, not in September as Lily finally warmed to his advances and agreed to be his girlfriend.
But here Regulus is now. At a Gryffindor party. With Lily. Looking awfully close to stuffing his hand down her trousers. (Or up her dress if he was being pedantic)
His heart beats wildly, eyes flicking from Regulus to Lily. When he sees Regulus close his eyes and rest his cheek on Lily's hair, the soreness in his chest is overtaken by a sharp needling pain. He's so beautiful: long dark eyelashes, soft black curls messy round his ears, and James swears he's grown a few inches since the start of term. He can’t look away.
He's staring and he feels creepy.
He's staring and he feels sick.
He's staring and a low rumble of possessiveness and jealousy rolls through his body.
He wants to tear them apart.
Look at me, he wants to scream. Look at me, look at me, look at me.
But instead he watches as Lily looks up at Regulus and smiles softly.
James turns on his heel and stalks down the corridor. Walking turns into running turns into taking the steps to the astronomy tower two at a time, three at a time. When he reaches the top his body deflates and he sinks down onto the floor, pressing his back against the brick wall.
Fuck, he thinks. Fuck. Where do we go from here?