Too Much
Ron wondered why he was here. He shouldn’t have come. They shouldn’t have come. This shouldn’t be happening at all. It was all too much. He wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Heck if Professor McGonagall couldn’t get through with her speech how was he going to get through the night.
The memorial for the fallen soldiers was taking place in the newly repaired and rebuilt Hogwarts. It looked the same but Ron couldn’t shake off this feeling of gloom that settled on him as soon as he took his seat in the front row. Harry and Hermione were sitting on his either side and Ron wished he could apparate them away from here. They should have left for Australia and skipped the whole thing. Kingsley was speaking now. Ron registered his name with Harry and Hermione’s being said by the Minister but he couldn’t register anything else.
Ron was panicking. He was going to break down in front of everyone and then Hermione was going to have a panic attack again. He racked his brains to come up with some excuse that will let him get away from here without alarming anyone, because he was not going to be able to hold it in any longer. But thankfully, dinner was announced at the precise moment and everyone started to make their way to the Great Hall.
Ron entered the castle with everyone but stepped away and excused himself to use the loo. Hermione looked at him worrying but Ron managed to smile at her that she believed was genuine as she let him go. Ron, however, rushed outside again. He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to be away from here.
He was not moving towards the memorial plaque (that was installed next to Dumbledore’s grave). He could hardly see where he was as the tears were blurring his vision. He needed air but his gasping and panting was not helping. Ron fell to his knees clutching the grass under his fingers and laid down. He was sobbing like a little child and he was glad no one was around. His mother would freak out and rush right back to her room. His father and brothers would feel like they have another person to take care of while George needed all their attention. Harry would go into a guilty spiral and Hermione would just freak out, wouldn’t she.
“Ron?” He heard someone say his name. Ron wanted to jump up and pretend that he had just tripped and fell but he just couldn’t. He felt like he was made of lead and was sinking into the ground. He needed to breath but it just won’t come. Then there were small hands rubbing circles on his back, saying something in soothing voice. Ron clung to that sound. The comforting feeling of the hand on his back. He felt air rush into his lungs and instantly relaxed. Everything was coming back into focus. The first thought that came to him was that he had fucked up. Hermione had found him like this and she is going to spiral right back into her panic attacks.
He wiped his eyes and sat up.
“Shit I’m sorry Hermione. I’m fine. Really.”
He turned and was surprised to see that it was Ginny next to him and she too was wiping off tears.
“No you are not,” Ginny said softly. Ron sighed.
“Gin…”
“Why are you hiding this from everyone? No one is fine Ron. It helps if we talk to each other,” Ginny implored.
“It doesn’t help Hermione. She is not in a state to handle all this.”
Ginny stays quiet for sometime and Ron was almost about to suggest they head back in.
“Harry doesn’t handle it very well either. He just feels so guilty all the time. Like all of this is his fault,” she sniffled. Ron felt like screaming. No way they had come to this. Seeing Ginny look so vulnerable filled him with blind rage. He wanted to rip everything up and burn everything down. How could they have won and be left with this?
As much as he wanted to rage, he knew it would help no one. So he simply pulled Ginny closer and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She turned her face into his shoulder and started crying in earnest.
“He told me that you left during the hunt.” If her face wasn’t so close to his ear, he probably would have missed it. But he didn’t. She knew. Ron stiffened. The shame he constantly tried pushing down came bubbling up, choking him. He knew. Soon everyone will know. Maybe he should go away. He is an embarrassment to everyone, isn’t he.
“Ron!” He was surprised to see she was trying to shake him. He hadn’t felt anything. It felt like he was miles away from here. Watching his sorry state as another person found out what he really was. “Ron please!”
The desperation in Ginny’s voice brought him back. She looked scared. His face was in her hands. “Ron it was not your fault.”
Ron laughed. Was he so pitiable?
“Don’t laugh. It was not your fault. You were hurt. The hunt was going nowhere. No one blames you.”
“I do and clearly Harry does too. Why would he have told you otherwise?”
“He didn’t tell me. I mean. He was all woozy from all the pain potions and started looking for you. He started saying he was not going to let you go this time. I probed a little and he spilled everything. He probably doesn’t even remember he said anything. Ron the first thing he does everyday after waking up is go and look for you and Hermione. He doesn’t blame you for anything. He loves you so much it frankly makes me jealous,” she chuckled. “You know when we got together in school, my friends used to ask me how I managed to stand it. Coming second to you because you were always his number one priority. But I had practice didn’t I?”
“What?”
“You were my best friend Ron. We used to do everything together. Then you went to school and made a fancy new friend.”
“A friend you fancied,” Ron nudged her shoulder.
“Yes a friend I fancied and you sort of forgot about me with your adventures and saving the world shtick.”
“I’m sorry Gin,” he mumbled.
“Its not your fault. I mean I had to make my own friends and I did. But I never had a best friend Ron. Not like you did. And I had to get used to the fact that I would always come second to you. Maybe even third after Hermione. So I had practice, didn’t I?”
“You are my sister Gin. You will always come first to me. Come here,” Ron said as he pulled her closer and draped his hand around her shoulder. “I was going mad last year. Thinking about how you guys were doing. And it was when I heard you were punished and sent to the forest that I lost it. I shouldn’t have left Gin. I can never take it back. I abandoned them.” Now that Ron was talking, he felt like he couldn’t stop. “I kept looking for them everywhere. I was constantly terrified of if something happened to them and I couldn’t find them. I was even ready to see them together if it meant I could just stay with them. I wish I could go back and kick myself for being such an awful friend. I just… I just want to make up to them somehow. I am going to be there for them. However they want. I’ll go where Hermione wants me to go. I will do whatever she wants. I’ll spend my whole life just making it up to them.”
---
Hermione was lying on Ron’s bed. Ron was wrapped around her and for once was in a deep sleep. The memorial really did take a lot out of them. He must have been dead tired. Of course he was. Hermione stroked his face lightly. He was crying wasn’t he? He was having a breakdown. Of course he was tired.
When Ron had not returned to the Great Hall for dinner, Hermione had stayed put. She hadn’t missed how his hands were shaking while the memorial was going on. Maybe he needed a breather, some time alone. So she decided to give him that. But when he didn’t return when the pudding was served, Hermione had gone looking for him and she had found him with Ginny near the lake.
He was crying and telling Gin how he was going to spend the rest of his life making up to Harry and her. Hermione had wanted to run to him and hug him and tell him that he didn’t need to do any of that. But Ginny beat her to it. She had watched how Ginny removed his hand from her shoulder and got on her knees and grabbed his face in her hands. She had looked really scared.
“Ron. You can’t do that. You don’t have to do that. You don’t deserve this guilt Ron. Please…” Ron had grabbed her wrists and looked at her, pleading her to understand.
“What I don’t deserve Gin is this fanfare about me. The Order of Merlin and the newspaper mentions. I don’t deserve anything. I didn’t do anything. If anything, I became a nuisance to the two people who actually did save the fucking world. I don’t tell them this because I know they won’t listen. They will try to comfort me. They love me too much to see the truth. I am not like them. I am not great. I am ordinary Gin. Perhaps the only greatness I have is how great I am at being ordinary. But I am okay with it. And I will tell them all this. Not now but sometime in the future. I will tell them and they will agree because time will have given them perspective. In hindsight, they will see me for what I am. I will tell them before they can tell me.”
Hermione looked at Ron. Her wonderful, brilliant, perfect Ron, who thought that he was ordinary. That he didn’t deserve her. He was right, though. He didn’t deserve her. He deserved someone better. Someone who could make make him happy. Someone who didn’t give up talking about his feeling if he tried to dodge it. Who didn’t make him feel so miserable about himself. She had made him feel like this.
Hermione felt her heart break as she remembered how she had treated him when he had found them. She had been downright cruel. She had mocked him, ignored him, humiliated him. And he had taken it all.
Before the memorial, Hermione had thought she was helping him. They had been spending more time together, mostly in bed but still. She had thought that maybe the physical intimacy is how she was going to get through to him. But she had been so wrong. She wasn’t getting through to him at all. He had successfully distracted her from any talks she wanted to have with him. He was probably having sex with her only because of the mountain load of guilt he was carrying with him.
With a jolt Hermione remembered the first time. He had wanted to stop after he had made her cum. But she had pushed him. Maybe he didn’t want her like that at all. But his fucked up sense of duty is telling him to give her whatever she wants. And why would he want her. She knew how she looked. She was all bones. Her face was gaunt and had yet to regain any fullness it ever had. She was rather average when it came to tits and bum and her hair was hopeless. She was a far cry from the gorgeous Lavender and yet he had made her feel so desirable. All to appease her.
She had thought that the sex was great. It made her feel so blissfully satisfied that she forgot about worrying about anything. She had sought him out whenever she could. And he had never refused her. They had done whatever she had wanted. She was feeding his insane idea of owing her something. She was using him and he was letting her.
---
When Hermione came down to the kitchen in the morning, she was surprised to see Molly up and making breakfast.
“Oh Hermione, what are you doing up so early? Ron is still sleeping, isn’t he? I knew it. Well, there is nothing to do around here, you can lie in too.”
Hermione wanted to tell her that there wasn’t anything to do because Ron had taken care of everything. And the fact that he was still sleeping was an anomaly. He had been getting up everyday before everyone else and keeping the house running. She felt bristling annoyance towards Molly and wanted to tell her off for thinking that Ron had been taking it easy. The only reason she was up before Ron was because she hadn’t slept a wink the previous night. Ron was still wrapped around her when the sky had lightened and she couldn’t bear to stay with him any longer. She felt dirty and kept thinking that she was contaminating him too.
“Mrs. Weasley, Ron had been doing a lot around here. He had been cooking and cleaning. Him and Charlie of course. Everyone is helping but Ron…”
Molly looked ta Hermione in surprise. “Really? Huh. Good,”
Hermione suddenly felt desperate. She needed to make Molly understand.
“No Molly you haven’t seen how he has been. He is taking care of everyone and… and…” She faltered. Molly looked at her curiously.
“And what dear?”
“No one is taki…”
“Ah Hermione,” Arthur’s voice interrupted their conversation. Hermione had wanted to tell Molly that no one is taking care of Ron. Maybe Molly would take that job and Hermione would feel a little less like scum. But Arthur had put something in front of her. She looked at the envelope. It was details about a portkey to Australia. She looked up at Arthur in shock.
“Kingsley wanted to talk to you personally but he is too busy Hermione. He wanted me to tell you that everything is taken care of. The Australian Ministry had found your parents. Everything is mentioned in there,” he said as he tapped the envelope. He smiled at her kindly and turned to Molly.
They started talking about something but Hermione couldn’t hear anything. She kept looking at the letter in her hand but she couldn’t see anything either. Her eyes were blurred by tears pooling up. She bit back a sob. They had found her parents.
“Hermione?” She felt Molly’s hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see her looking at her in concern. She hadn’t even realised Arthur had left. Hermione couldn’t hold it in any longer. She wrapped her hands around Molly and broke down. She felt Molly running her hand down her head and realised how much she missed her mother.
“Shhh child. Its ok. Its going to be ok.”
“They are going to hate me. I can’t… I can’t… and I…” Molly sat down next to Hermione and wiped the tears off her face.
“They can’t hate you Hermione. You are their child. They love you. They’d be happy to have you back. Whole and safe. Trust me.” Molly kissed her on the forehead.
“Thank you Mrs. Weasley,” Hermione said as she wiped her face.
“Call me Molly dear,” Molly said as she got up and went back to the stove. “So, you and Ron?”
Hermione felt her face heat up. She looked towards the staircase, hoping Ron would appear and take over this conversation. But he didn’t. “Umm yes and I am sorry we are staying together. We should have asked you but I promise we are…”
“Its okay Hermione. Relax. Ron had already informed us. You are both adults. You’ve seen the worst of the war. Its just, I can’t believe all of you have grown so much. I still remember that little girl who dragged Ron away to get ice cream in the Diagon Alley. And I just still think of you like that. I wish you all could have stayed that young.”
Hermione saw Molly getting flustered. She was picking up things and then dropping them, unsure of what to do. She put the kettle on the stove and didn’t turn the fire on. She was spooning off underdone eggs from the skillet on to the plate when Ron entered.
“Mum?” Molly looked at him, relief washing over her flustered face.
“Ron you will take care of this?” She dropped the spoon and then walked past Ron up the stairs. Ron turned to Hermione.
“What happened?”
“I… I don’t know,” Hermione said knowing she was lying. Molly was thinking about the time when her family was whole and safe and now so was Hermione.
---
Hermione couldn’t believe this was happening. The evening had been so perfect. Bill and Fleur were married. She was dancing with Ron. He was twirling her around and they were laughing so much. And now everything was wrong. Everyone was running around and she couldn’t find Ron.
“Ron! Ron!” She felt Harry grab her hand as people started apparating away from the marquee.
“Ron! RON!”
And then he had appeared next to her. He had grabbed her hand and she was about to turn and apparate them away as a spell came at them. Ron’s grip loosened. She turned to look at him and saw that he was on the ground, his eyes open but unseeing.
No no no no no!
“Hermione we have to go,” Harry was pulling her away from Ron. She tried to free her hand but his grip was tight. “You were too slow Hermione and now he is gone.”
“Rooooooon! No please… Roooon!” Harry tugged her hard and she turned to see that it was pale faced, blue lipped Ron holding her wrist.
“Why did you let me die Hermione?”
“Nooooooooooo!”
Hermione woke up with a start. She felt bile rise up, burning her throat. She threw up all over herself as tears stung her eyes. She felt so cold, her skin breaking out in goosebumps and yet she was sweating. She closed her eyes and the dead face of Ron swam in her her view. She threw up again.
“Roooon,” she wailed.
“Hermione. I am here. Its okay,” Ron’s voice swept over her like a warm breeze and she realised that he was holding her. She looked around to see his face. His face that was twisted in worry but quite alive. She broke down in his arms.
“Shit Hermione, wait one second,” he tried to move away from her but she clung to him, refusing to let him go. “I’m right here Hermione. I just need to get my wand.”
She loosened her grip enough for him to stretch himself to get his wand but did not let go of his shirt. He cleaned the vomit up with a flick of his wand and then looked at her face.
“You are shivering,” Ron said as he rubbed her arms trying to get her warm. Hermione fell back on the bed wiping her face. Ron kept looking at her. “Give me second,” he said and left the room. He came back back in a few minutes before she could work herself up and panic again. He leads her to the bathroom. He had run her a bath.
“Its warm. You’ll feel better. Trust me,” he said as if expecting her to fight. She couldn’t. She just nodded and started to undress. He started to leave.
“Don’t go.” She had to be near him. He comes and sits down next to the tub. Hermione entered the warm water and felt her muscles relax instantly. She sat down with her head close to Ron. She closed her eyes as she felt his fingers run through her hair, untangling the knots. They stay quiet and soon Hermione felt Ron’s hand drop down and heard his deep breaths fill the silence around them. He had fallen asleep.
Hermione’s shivering had stopped. She felt so stupid for reacting like this. It was just a dream. It was not real. It hadn’t happened and it won’t happen. She keeps repeating this in her head. She keeps trying to remember Ron’s breath on her head as he had tried to calm her down. The way his chest had moved under her face. The reassuring thump of his heart had calmed her more effectively than anything else. His arms around her had warmed her cold shivering body.
But why did she need to remember these things? He was right there. If she makes even the slightest of sign of distress, he would get up and get in the bath with all his clothes on just to wrap his arms around her. But she can’t ask. She is already asking for too much. He is doing too much. He is so tired all the time. She turns so can rest her face on her hands on the side of the tub, looking at Ron sleep next to her. He looked peaceful, a rare sight. This is how she wants him to be. His breath was even, chest moving up and down in a steady pace. His hair was falling over his eyes. He looked so young. So much like the Ron she remembered from school. She puts a finger a on his lip lightly, careful not to wake him up.
When he looked like this, she could pretend they were still in school. She could imagine that she hadn’t been an ass and told him how she felt rather than sulk and resent him for things that were not his fault. She could pretend that Ron had sneaked in the Prefect’s bathroom to see her after a gruelling Quidditch practice and they were chatting and he fell asleep. She can pretend to be a little offended. He would have to grovel for forgiveness. She would make him carry all her books for a whole week. He would complain and make adorable petulant little faces but secretly love the reason to follow her around all day. He may even have to skip a practice so that they can sit in the library and he would hand her all the books she needed.
An ache so strong twisted in her heart. She wanted it so much. She wanted it so much she would give anything. Didn’t she already? Give everything? Isn’t this the price she had to pay to have him safe and with her? But she didn’t know the price was so huge. That she would lose herself and Ron to get her dream. A sob escaped her throat and Ron’s eyes flew open. He looked at her, alarmed.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
She couldn’t answer. Tears fell freely down her face. The Ron she fought for would sleep through the apocalypse. Now he wakes up with the slightest of sounds. She missed her Ron, who would sprawl on the sofa in the common room, squashing everyone else. The Ron whose laugh boomed across rooms, who could even cheer up Moaning Myrtle. She missed him so much.
“I am sorry. I am sorry,” she mumbles between sobs.
“Why? What happened? I am fine Hermione,” he asked, worried. “Why are you saying sorry?”
She could only sob. Ron got up and got into the tub with his clothes on and wrapped her in his arms. She had promised she would not burden Ron with her breakdowns anymore but here she was, engulfed in his arms as he consoled her, again. She cried harder knowing just how pathetic she was and just how bad she was for him.