“I think we’re too metaphorical.” Severus crossed one arm over the other, protecting his diaphragm. Something needed to be protected.
“We’re not a metaphor. I’m not a metaphor. I’m real.” Remus insisted, pushing his hair back so he didn’t have to think about the way his body was screaming for the other boy, in so many different ways.
“You are….Not to me.”
“What?”
“In my brain, you’re my boyfriend.”
“I am your boyfriend.”
“But, you’re also a werewolf, a marauder, a student, a brother, a son. You’re a person, Remus….To me you’re just my boyfriend.”
“And to my parents I’m just a son….I don’t understand.”
“You really don’t.”
“What?”
“You’re parents….You’re not just their son, they see you. You and your intelligence and talent and….And you’re just my boyfriend and that isn’t fair….We’re too metaphorical.”
“Stop it!” Remus was suddenly angry. Well, not really angry, more confused and sad and—he couldn’t rip the skin from his face as his brain urged, so he had to be angry. “Just, stop.”
“I can’t.”
“What’s wrong with you?! Severus, I—” It was pointless. “I try so hard for you, I do so much, but….I’m just your boyfriend?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t love me?”
“I love my boyfriend.”
“But, you don’t love Remus John Lupin?”
“....No.” He didn’t want to say it, but had to. If he told the truth, if he….It had to end.
“I’m nothing to you? I’m just….”
“You’re just my boyfriend.” Severus repeated.
“Why are you telling me this now? After two-and-a-half years, we’re graduating, leaving Hogwarts forever, tomorrow, why now?”
“This has to end with us as Hogwarts students, we can’t bring it into the real world….It’ll just hurt more later.”
“Sure, but why now? Why couldn’t you let me enjoy my graduation, have one last day? Why couldn’t you have told me months, years, ago, so I would be over it by now?”
“It was never the right time.”
“There is no right time.”
“So, then, why not now?” Severus couldn’t look at him, the lip he knew was trembling from nearly three years of sitting as close as possible, or the fading scars he himself had helped heal.
“It hurts.”
“It always would.”
“Not this bad.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.” Remus bit his lower lip, Severus didn’t deserve the small movement it wouldn’t stop making, but that stopped nothing. Now his teeth were shaking too.
“I do.” The ravenette repeated, this wasn’t the context he wanted to be saying those words in….Marriage was a scam, his parents taught him that forever ago, but….Remus.
“What?”
“I just wanted you….That’s why I put it off until now, until I couldn’t any longer.”
“You mean you wanted a boyfriend.” Remus accused.
Severus flinched, but he had no right. “Yeah….I wanted a boyfriend.”
“To think I gave Sirius up for this.”
“What?”
“Sirius—I—we—” He released a breathe to stop the tears, the emotions had to be let out some way, but like this was far less embarrassing. “We used to have a thing, a….Well, we flirted and maybe we could have been together, but, then, you asked me out.”
“Oh.”
“I thought you were the right choice, you had the courage to actually say something and not just make remarks about my deep eyes or whirly hair….I guess, in hindsight, that stuff is better than just being someone’s boyfriend….Did you ever love me, me?”
“You were always the best boy.”
“Like cattle.”
“You’re not cattle.”
“No, I guess not. Cattle is plural, but one cow is useless….I’m just a fighting dog.”
“You’re not.”
“Did it make you feel like a good person?” It no longer mattered that Severus was looking away, because now so was Remus….How was he supposed to handle this?
“What?”
“Dating me….It must have seemed real charitable; the weird, fatherless, Welsh werewolf….You’re a hero.”
“No, Remus, no.”
“Or is it a religious thing? I know you were raised Catholic, me being Jewish….Are you trying to atone for your ancestors mistakes?”
“God, Remus—”
“Right, God.” Remus tried to leave, but Severus grasped his wrist, wouldn’t let go, couldn’t let go.
“What?!” Remus turned to look back at the shorter boy, man, who still hadn’t loosened his grip.
“It’s not religion, it’s not you being a werewolf, it’s not….It was never about sympathy or pity or….I love you.”
“But, you don’t.” He did.
“Right….You were always the best boy.” Was all he could think to say again.
“Why?”
“You’re beautiful.”
“You wasted two-and-a-half years of both of our lives because I’m hot?” He scoffed and ripped his arm away.
“No!” That was not what he meant. “You’re hot, but no, I mean you’re beautiful, Remus, you’re stunning….You….”
“What?”
“Your eyes shine gold when you laugh, you bite your bottom lip when a question on a test is really hard, you—”
“I don’t need this.” Remus cut him off, not willing to listen to a long, sappy, list of things he already knew. It changed nothing, they were too metaphorical. They were breaking up no matter what happened here.
“You’re beautiful.”
“So?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I—” All Remus could think about was all those times when he sat thinking about how hard it was to remember solutions to problems when those problems were before you, how hard it was to stop and think. He thought perhaps it was human, maybe though, it just came with teen years, maybe it was just him.
“What?” Severus begged.
“I can’t be with someone who sees me as an idea, a checkmark on a list of things to do before you die….I’m alive, Severus, I’m….I have to be alive while I’m here, with the war going on….I won’t sacrifice myself to a boy who just wants a boyfriend….I need someone who loves me.” He hated all the pauses, it came out less confident than it should have, but this was Severus….Were they really going to break up? Did every moment they spent together the past seven years not matter?
“Of course you can’t….You deserve much better than anything I could or would ever give you.”
“I do.”
“Not again.” Severus couldn’t go through another series of marriage parallels, another half second of thinking maybe this should change into a proposal….He just wanted it to be a dream; why did he have to do this?
“What?”
“Remus, I’m….”
“Don’t say you’re sorry again.”
“I am, though.”
“....I don’t care.” He really did.
“I never should have asked you out….I knew this would have to happen eventually.”
“This was always the plan?”
“Not really a plan….I want to stay with you, but….”
“We have to break up.” Remus finished.
“Yeah.”
“Why couldn’t I get an excuse? You’re busy, wanna focus on getting a job, need to adjust to living a normal adult life with no one to please….Why did I have to hear the truth, why couldn’t you lie, why did I have to know you never loved me?”
‘But, I did love you, I do love you. I—’ He could never say that out loud. “I thought you deserved the truth.”
“I didn’t want it.”
“I’m sorry, but how was I to know?”
“I’m leaving.” Remus turned and Severus didn’t stop him this time, though the last thing in the world he wanted was for this to all end.
“I’m sorry.” One last time before Remus exited the Room of Requirement, never to enter it again.
Once alone, Severus fell against a couch the room conjured, leaning against the outer wall because he didn’t deserve the comfort of the plush cushions.
Burying his head into his knees he allowed himself to freely cry for the first time in who knows how long. No worrying about family or roommates or friends over hearing, no worrying about Voldemort finding out later, no thinking about anything except his, now, ex-boyfriend.
He really had loved him.