Like Gold

On the night before the funeral, Ernie spent it all in his room, laying on the bedsheets, head resting on the pillow and staring at the ceiling. He had managed to find the grey sweater that James gave him that evening when they went to Ravenclaw in his school trunk. He had cried himself to pieces when he first found it, but now he hugged it close to his chest; it still smelt like him. Like books, crisp mountain air, rosewood, fresh cotton, and steam from standing over cauldrons a lot. To smell that scent was comforting, but it killed him at the same time.

“I wish you were still here, Jem…” Ernie said aloud, “It shouldn’t have gone like this…You should be here with us… with me.”

Of course, he got no answer that much didn’t surprise him, but he hoped, deep down, that he heard him. Once again, he found himself contemplating why this had to happen. Why did James have to die? It all seemed too stupid the more he thought about it. It was all so senseless. So pointless. But yet, it still happened, and Ernie had to grapple with that. For the first time, he decided not to take the dreamless sleep potion. He hoped that when he fell asleep, he would dream of the magical times they spent together, that now, they were just dreams, but Ernie wished, above all, was his reality. Surprisingly, he drifted off to sleep, his nose buried in the grey wool, perhaps of because of the familiarity.

“Ernie…” someone was stroking his hair again. “Ernie, you need to wake up.” But as he opened his eyes, it was his mum and not James that he woke up to.

“Are you alright?” she cooed. He nodded, pulling himself into a sitting position. “I just need you to know, if today gets too much or if you need anything, you must tell us…”

“Yes…” Ernie agreed. “I-I…”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, it will be alright. I’ve made your favourite breakfast for you downstairs.”

Ernie knew it was a proper fry-up, just like the ones at Hogwarts, and he thought even if his stomach had no room in it, he would at least try and eat. His outfit had already been laid out for him: a suit with a black tie. He hated wearing black, it wasn’t a nice colour. It was so dark. It felt so wrong; he shouldn’t be wearing this. But he put it on anyway; he combed his hair, too, knowing James liked it that way. It was how he always did it for their dates.

This was before he headed downstairs; both of his parents were at the table, also wearing black, but he noticed some tea and the red carnations carefully placed in a vase so they wouldn’t spoil. He thought James would like them. His mum then placed a plate in front of him and stressed he didn’t have to eat it all if he didn’t feel like it; however, for once, he did. It was around ten when they left for Yorkshire, and it didn’t take them long to arrive.

What greeted him was the old village square lined with the lightly coloured limestone cottages, an old war memorial commemorating all the fallen soldiers from both World War 1 and 2 in the centre of the square, with a slight grassy verge with several poppy reefs placed upon it. He caught Neville and Hannah standing beside it. His dad placed a hand on his shoulder, letting him know they’d meet up inside the church; they already knew he would be with his friends that day.

“Ernie…” Hannah greeted as she reached out to hug him, and he hugged her back. “How are you feeling?”

“O-Okay…” Ernie admitted, “O-Or at least right now…you.”

“Fine…” Hannah said, forcing a smile. She wasn’t fine. He knew that much. How could she be fine? He certainly wasn’t. Neville was also quiet, but it wasn’t unlike him. Then Justin arrived; he was also walking with Clary and Daphne, and it appeared that Daphne was almost entirely supporting Clary’s weight as she had her arm around her waist.

“Hi…” Clary said to her friends, “We should go, I think it starts soon.”

Ernie wanted to shake his head and scream how he didn’t. He wanted to stay on that spot; he wanted to run to James’ cottage and pound on the door, begging him to come back. “Ernie,” Justin said; he put a supportive arm around his shoulders and led him away. Led him towards the church that wasn’t too far away from the square. He had been here before, quite a long time ago now, after his grandfather had attacked him for being in a relationship with Jem, and he had run away to his boyfriend’s. He didn’t remember much about the village, just the way to his house. He just remembered the way he was held safe in his boyfriend’s arms; those arms were home, and now that home had been taken away from him.

The church looked pretty much like every church he had ever visited. They made their way to near the front where they would all be able to sit together; by right, they could all be in the first two rows, but the third row seemed more appropriate somehow. The six of them shuffled in, and then they noticed more people started to enter; he recognised quite a lot of them. He noticed Harry himself enter, along with Ginny, Luna, Hermione and Ron. He knew both Ginny and Luna would want to stay close; she gave him a small smile as he looked back. The minister of magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Professor Slughorn, Flitwick, Sprout and McGonagall and basically every member of Dumbledore’s Army were all present, ready to pay their respects.

At exactly 11:00, some people near the back stood up. And a familiar tune began to play on the piano. Ernie knew it was slipping through my fingers by ABBA. Almost on perfect que, everyone stood up; Justin held his hand as they did so, knowing this would be among the worst parts of the day. Seeing the oak wood coffin topped with flowers being carried down the aisle and his family walking behind it all, looking absolutely solemn or about to break down, he couldn’t tell. He noticed Adeline looking similar to how she did when she arrived at Ernie’s house not a couple of weeks ago; Timothy was no longer the one cracking jokes at the dinner table like he was the night they met; he was quiet, and his eyes were red-rimmed, he had been crying before he came in, then Adrian and his girlfriend Thea, who held his hand, it was the only thing keeping him together he looked like he wanted to scream, and Emery was blinking away tears.

Someone let out a snuffle beside him, but Ernie didn’t know who; he didn’t look either, his eyes focused as they lowered the coffin onto a stand. How was he supposed to process that James was there? It felt so wrong…

He still remembered holding him in his arms, even though James wasn’t really there. Holding onto him was a way to delay the inevitable. Letting him go was the hardest thing he had ever done; the pain felt a thousand-fold to the worst pain he’d ever felt. He couldn’t let go even though that was what he felt was expected; that’s what funerals were for, were they not?

The music stopped, and Hannah grabbed his spare hand. She was shaking.

The Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shackbolt, then stepped up to the podium; he had offered to speak at everyone’s funeral he had heard. “Today, we gather here to remember the life of James Adam Butler.”

It hurt…

Everything hurt…

Ernie thought he’d never had to sit in a church pew and listen to James being eulogised. He knew it all, from the day he was born on 29th May 1980 in Leeds General Infirmary, how he was at the top of his primary school class, spent almost his whole childhood outdoors, or inside with a mini potions set, was a massive bookworm, of course when he went to Hogwarts he was one of the most intelligent people in the year, his friendship with Neville, Hannah and Clary, then their beautiful love affair. Then, about his bravery, stepping up to be the leader of DA after Luna was abducted and finally the Battle where it all ended.

“James knew about bravery and duty; like many other members of Dumbledore’s Army, he opted to stay to fight Lord Voldemort. He stayed, knowing the risks, knowing he might not see the sunrise the next day, yet he did what was right and, whilst doing so, laid down his life. That shows a nobility of character. That even the bravest amongst us should admire.”

He heard Neville sob beside him. Hannah let go of Ernie’s hand to comfort him fully. Ernie wished she hadn’t let go. “Shh…” Hannah soothed, rubbing his arm. “It’s fine, Nev…” but he kept crying, nothing, even though Hannah seemed to stem the tears and stop the sobbing.

Ernie felt like he was running through the motions; the eulogy was over, but they sang a couple of hymns, and Emery read this incredibly sad poem; he didn’t listen to it. He lost it at the words, “Do not stand at my grave and weep.” He knew the poem; he knew it meant James was somehow immortal, his spirit in pretty much everything he saw around them, so he shouldn’t be sad. It was so right, of course, but he knew he wasn’t at that stage yet.

After a while, he could barely feel anything. Not even Justin’s hand, which still held his. Ernie looked back a couple of times; Luna was utterly engulfed in Ginny’s arms, but she was fighting those tears so she could completely focus on Luna. It was then when Ernie met Harry’s eyes, something within them spoke of something more than sadness; he knew that emotion. Guilt. He wondered why Harry would feel that way. It was fairly obvious that it was all his fault.

It was over before it began. They all stood up, and the black-coated men who carried him in got up from their seats and gracefully lifted up the casket once again. In a very orderly fashion, everyone filed out of the church. He didn’t know in which order everyone went, but as he left, he just kept his eyes on the casket as it was carried across the churchyard; there was already a pre-dug hole in the ground.

It looked deep. 6ft, to be exact; it seemed strange to think that was where he’d be for eternity. By the time he got there, he was standing quite close to the hole within touching distance of his boyfriend’s casket that had been placed on some wood planks temporarily before he would be committed to the ground beneath them. It was there when he finally made eye contact with Adeline, who gave him a tearful nod. Everyone else seemed to keep their eyes down, many brushing away tears or trying to hold them in. Ernie didn’t know what state he was in; he didn’t feel anything.

“Earth to Earth, Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust…” was read as they carefully lowered him into the ground. Ernie could feel his chest tighten again like it had after the battle, he placed his hand on his chest. He made himself take a deep breath so that he would calm himself down. He didn’t want to break down in front of all these people.

“Goodbye James.” He heard Neville whisper beside him as he passed the grave. Clary said his name gently, bringing Neville into a hug. Neville accepted this gesture and fell into her arms. They both began to weep together. He didn’t understand the significance of that at first, not until he cast his mind back. Neville hadn’t been able to say goodbye when the rest of them had; now, he had finally said it.

Ernie brought one of his carnations to his lips before gently throwing it in the grave; he didn’t look back after that. He didn’t have the heart to. Hannah held his hand as they stumbled away, allowing someone else to pay their last homage. Neville was a few feet away, sobbing in Clary’s arms; they walked towards the pair. Hannah placed her hand on Neville’s shoulder.

“That’s that then.” He sobbed, “I-I…”

Ernie turned away, not wanting to witness Neville cry anymore; it was painful to watch. He noticed Justin coming towards him, and he wanted nothing more than to get out of the graveyard. He was about to leave when he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Luna.

“Are you doing alright Luna?” Ernie asked her; she shook her head.

“Not really.” She admitted, “But I think you must feel worse than what I feel. That’s why I needed to ask.”

“H-He said once you were like a sister to him, we both loved him.” Ernie levelled.

“That’s true… he did…” Luna agreed. “But you, too, were more than that; you’ve lost your soulmate, Ernie. That means something more.”

Ernie thought for a minute; it really did. A relationship like siblings was close, but finding your soulmate was something more, and losing the person you thought was your soulmate was something else entirely.

“I miss him so terribly,” Luna admitted she was crying. “I could always depend on him, but now he’s gone, and we can’t no longer and I don’t know what to do.”

“I miss him like that too.” Ernie agreed; he could see his house by now, the same place he had shown up when he felt so desperate. When his grandfather attacked him and died of a heart attack, Ernie ran away; as he flew away on some useless broomstick, there was one place that he knew he could go, and that place was James’. He was right; when he arrived after a couple of hours of flying, he arrived at the cottage. He was embraced by Adeline first but James second. The embrace from James, he knew, was enough to save him almost. He felt so betrayed, an open wound, but James’s hug was enough to close that wound.

As he entered the house, he smelt his boyfriend and it was both painful and comforting, like how smelling his sweater was the previous night. Luna was still beside him, but she went straight into the living room; it seemed so did Neville and the others. But he didn’t want to. The place he was so drawn to in the house was upstairs, the place where he would have expected James to be; if he was still here, he would have been there studying for his NEWT exams.
Therefore, even though it wasn’t supposed to be what he did, he decided to head upstairs. He knew it was the guestly thing to do, to stay downstairs where the refreshments were and chat with his friends like he had when it was Hannah’s mother’s funeral, but this time it was his boyfriend's so maybe he had the right to be there.

He pushed open the door, and instantly, he was struck by the smell, the beautiful smell that he had wanted to smell since the awful day. He noticed his bed where the pair of them had had the first “I love you.”. He noticed the pictures on the wall. There were many of James, Neville, Hannah and Clary over the years, but there appeared to be even more of Ernie and James together. Looking back on so many beautiful times now turned bittersweet and tightened Ernie’s throat; he got that familiar sensation of a sob coming up his throat and racking through his body. The tears soon followed. He collapsed onto the bed and put his hands on his head, only wanting to lie down in it and feel Jem’s arms once again, but he knew he never would again.

However, he did feel some arms wrapped around him; it was a woman this time, though. “Shh…it’s alright…” they soothed; he knew it wasn’t his mother, Hannah or Clary. Not even Adeline, but the touch was still familiar to him. It was Emery.

“I heard someone crying, and I should’ve known… but it’s alright, Ernie, cry, you need to cry…”

Ernie didn’t respond; he didn’t know what to say as Jem’s sister held him; he only cried harder. He cried into her golden hair, which was the exact same colour as James' had been; it all felt too familiar and it hurt...

“I can’t believe…” Emery began before Ernie also felt her sob against him. “He was my baby brother…everything just feels so broken...our family feels like it's been torn apart...”

“I know how you feel.” Ernie empathised. "I-I know how impossible this has been..."

“He never even deserved it,” she added. “I know nobody good that dies deserved it, but… he didn’t… he had so much ahead of him.”

He did… he really did. That was the real fuck of it all. “I can't believe he's gone sometimes...that we'll never see him again” she continued.

“I know,” Ernie confessed. He hugged him harder, and they continued to cry to each other. After a while, however, Emery stopped sobbing, and she let go of Ernie slightly.

"He loved you so much, you know..." Emery said as she continued, "I-I...I'm just...thanks for loving him, Ernie...you both deserved so much better, but...at least he got that from you...you gave him something so special...and..."

"You don't need to thank me for that...loving Jem was the easiest thing I've ever done..." Ernie admitted tearfully. "I promised him that I would never stop loving him...and I won't... he was the world to me..."

"We won't, Ernie..." she cried as she held him closer. They didn't need to say anymore; they just sat there for a while, holding onto one another, both feeling the loss, the emptiness... the void that had been left in both of their lives because they had lost someone so important to them. "He'll be with us forever."

"Yes...He'll be with us forever..." he agreed

“Do you want something to eat?” she asked. He nodded, so the pair headed downstairs. Emery squeezed his shoulder as she left to be with Adrain, who seemed to be completely numb. He was sitting at the dining room table nursing a cup of cold coffee. Thea held his hand, but he didn't look like he felt their presence there. Ernie didn't know where Adeline and Timothy were. He didn’t find Hannah and Neville, but he saw Clary, Daphne, and Justin tucked away in the corner.

“Ernie?” someone called behind him, and he recognised the voice. He turned around and found Harry. He gave Emery a small nod, and she smiled; it was a forced smile, but he knew it gave him leave to speak to Harry.

“Harry?” Ernie asked, “What’s up?”

“I won’t… I want to say how sorry I am; this… what happened to James was all my fault. If it weren’t for me, there would have been no battle…” Harry stuttered

“Harry, please don’t be sorry. I don’t blame you… I-I’ve come to realise that so many people blame themselves for what happened but… my dad said that the only person to blame was Voldemort and if it weren’t for you, he’d still be alive and… James would’ve died for nothing. So, I don’t blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself for anything that happened that night.” Ernie declared

“Okay…” Harry nodded. “I’m so sorry, though, for what happened… have you seen Neville?”

Ernie shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. Thanks, Harry. We’re all here for you, you know, the DA…”

“Thanks, Ernie.” Harry smiled as he placed a hand on Ernie’s shoulder. Harry then walked away towards Ginny, who embraced him again. Then it appeared Hannah came out of nowhere; her face was identical to a waterfall, and she ran over to where Clary was. Clary stood up immediately, and Hannah ran into her arms and buried her face into her shoulder.

“Hannah.” Ernie cried as he went over to the group.

“Nev…Nev wants to become an auror Clary…” Hannah sobbed, “H-He told me just now… even though we just…”

“H-he did what?” Clary exclaimed.

“We just buried our best friend, and he thought now would be the appropriate time to tell me he’s decided to do something… that could get him…he could…” Hannah cried.

Ernie immediately walked away. He had just cried. Justin swiftly followed him, but the pair stopped when they saw Neville in the doorway, tears cascading down his cheeks. “Merlin… I’ve never screwed up this badly.” He cried. Ernie hugged Neville because he thought he needed it but also Ernie felt he needed a hug too, who hugged him back tighter.

“I’m such an arsehole…” Neville admitted, “What have I done…I only said I would consider it and…”

“Now probably was not the best time…” Justin agreed, patting Neville on the back.

“I-I know…” Neville agreed. “I just wanted to tell her.”

Clary looked over at them; it seemed she was very troubled with what had just happened, but she continued to hold Hannah as Ernie continued to hold Neville. But Ernie understood Hannah; he wouldn’t wish the pain of losing someone you loved on anybody.