Like Gold

Justin left shortly after they had made it home from Morecambe. Ernie didn’t want him to go, but he understood why he had to. Instead, he tucked into a shepherd's pie that his mum made him. He only managed to take a couple of bites of it, though. She didn’t pry him to eat; she was only grateful that he at least tried. Once again, he was so exhausted that he went to bed early, at around seven, with another dreamless sleep potion.

The next day he didn’t wake up to the sound of Professor Sprout and his mum talking; he woke up to rain. The rain wasn’t hard; it was merely enough to create a loud pitter-pat on the old windowpanes. It reminded him of waking up next to his boyfriend on Autumn mornings. They would always be cosy in each other’s arms, underneath the Hufflepuff quilts, hearing the rain against the window, not wanting to leave the bed because they knew it would be cold outside. Trying to leave that painful reminder behind, Ernie pulled himself out of bed into a sitting position. In the process, he checked his watch and was shocked to see it was 11:47 in the morning, it seemed he had actually managed to sleep.

Then came a knock on his door. “Ernie.” His mum said softly.

“Yeah…” he said, his voice was rough.

“Ernie,” she said as she sat beside him on his bed. “I-I had a call today… from James’ mum…” Ernie flinched at the sound of his boyfriend’s name; he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help himself. “She said she wanted to make sure you’re all right…a-and that maybe at some point, if you wanted to, you could talk…”

“D-Does she want to know h-how it happened…” Ernie asked

“No…” she said gently. “She wouldn’t expect that of you, darling…unless you needed to talk to someone about it, if you wanted to.”

Ernie muttered, “I-It happened so fast, mum- they made us separate s-so we could defend the castle better s-so I hadn’t seen him… and I-I think when he saw me, h-he was distracted a-and then a c-ceiling came down and h-he had no time to move out of the w-way… so I tried to get him out, but by the time I got to him he wasn’t breathing… a-and no matter how much I tried he wouldn’t wake up… h-he always woke up t-to me… h-he never…”

“Oh baby…” his mother cried, it seemed a repetitive process, and once again, he couldn’t help but let the ugly sobs rack through his body. He fell on her shoulder, and she held him in his arms for he didn’t know how long. His eyes stung like they had had acid poured into them; even his through hurt because he had screamed…sobbed… his chest also burned… and his headache was returning… and then as the tears continued, he didn’t remember much after that.

***
Unbeknownst to Ernie, he had cried himself to sleep because his mum held him for two hours after he had told her exactly what had happened. Therefore, he woke up later that evening… eyes were still stinging, and his headache was still very pronounced. On his bedside table sat some paracetamol and water that had perhaps been laid out for him the night before. Ernie decided to take some so that his headache would go down. As he leaned over to get the glass of water, he noticed his dad peeking through his door.

“Dad?” Ernie called; he hadn’t seen his dad for days and wondered why. It hadn’t occurred to him to question his mum about it.

“Yes, I am here, son…” his dad called as he entered the room and sat on Ernie’s bed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around when you’ve been awake before; I have been at work the past two days, and since… the events of this weekend, things have been very busy in the ministry…”

“I-I can imagine…” Ernie said, “What’s happening?”

“Well, Kingsley Shacklebolt has been made minister of magic. They’re rounding up the death eaters, processing the ones that have been captured, and the Wizengamot have been called to clear all the legislation that had been put in place in the last year by Pius Thicknesse. And in a month, they’re arranging all the trials…”

“H-Have you heard anything a-about a girl called S-Susan Bones…” Ernie asked.

“Ernie-.” His dad stated calmly, “I know she is your friend, but- I-I’m not allowed to say anything… but the trial is taking place next week…”

“I want to go…” Ernie said.

“That’s fine… I will warn you, though, Ernie… It won’t be nice…” his father stated. “I’m sure you’re aware of that, but there will be a defence for the convict…and the stuff they might say may not be very nice.”

“I-I can deal with that… I-I just want to be there…W-What about-?”

His father guessed where he was going with this “Ernie… there was… is nobody to blame that’s still alive for his passing, you know that, don’t you… w-what happened to him was nothing but a horrific accident… they’ve found that due to the number of explosions that took place, the structural integrity of the castle was very questionable. The support beams gave way, causing a collapse… in that particular area… I’m so sorry…” his father explained, putting a hand on his back and rubbing circles. He hated how Jem’s death had been almost entirely due to chance because it was an accident… a horrible accident that could have been avoided, had the circumstances been slightly different, James would still be alive. “What happened to him is entirely the fault of Voldemort. I hope you know that, right?”

“Y-Yeah, I know…” Ernie breathed, “I can’t help but feel that way, though…”

“I know; I hope eventually you won’t feel this guilt anymore, son… you know of all people, you shouldn’t feel guilty about what transpired that night…” his father sighed.

“W-who is to blame…” Ernie asked, “In your opinion…”

“We both know who is to blame, Ernie… and he’s dead… listen would you like me to grab you some fish and chips from down the road, then we could watch some Corrie later?” he asked; it was Ernie's favourite takeout nearby, and they always used to watch Coronation Street every evening when Ernie was a kid.

Ernie could feel his hunger return for the first time that day as his stomach rumbled at the thought. “Yes, please, Dad, can I get chips, steak pie and gravy?”

“Coming right up.”

“Thanks, dad.”

Justin had always made fun of him for having chips and gravy, but he couldn’t help but find it delicious. He remembered James was the first to back him up on this; as his father got up, he couldn’t help but nearly cry again, but he didn’t want to cry again; he wanted to speak to somebody. As he heard his dad leave the house, Ernie descended the stairs and picked up the landline; as he scrolled through the calls, it didn’t take him long to spot the number he knew belonged to James’ house. Then he decided to press the green button to initiate a call, the phone began to ring, and he placed it to his ear. The sounds of the call processing rang in his ear for around ten seconds before someone answered the call at the other end.

“Hello?” called a voice that he knew belonged to Adeline Butler; her voice sounded rawer than the last time they had met. Her pain radiated through the telephone, making Ernie want to burst into tears again. He understood that more than anybody.

“Hi, Mrs Butler … it’s Ernie…” he said; he could hear her breathing heavily on the other end. “Did you want to talk to me…”

“I-I mostly just- I wanted to make sure you’re a-alright… a-are you?” she asked.

“T-To be honest, I-I’m not…” he admitted; he heard another whimper at the end of the line “You?”

“N-No… b-but I’m w-we’re trying to hold up… the b-best we can given… g-given what’s happened… I-I imagine you’re the same… and that’s why I-I wanted to let you know that i-if you needed s-someone to t-talk to…” she sighed.

“Y-Yes…” Ernie half begged, “P-Please…I-I need to talk to someone…a-and t-there’s things I-I think n-nobody else understands…”

“O-Okay… p-please don’t cry, Ernie… w-would it be all right if I came over tomorrow…” she soothed, he didn’t want to cry either, but it was true. He felt horrible because she was the one that lost her youngest, and here she was, comforting him. She was so much like James, always putting others first.

“Yeah…” Ernie said, “I’d appreciate that.”

“Okay… I’ll call tomorrow afternoon…should we say 1:00…” she suggested.

“That sounds… good thank you…” he thanked.

“See you tomorrow.” She said, “Bye… Look after yourself, Ernie…”

“Y-You too…” Ernie said before the line went dead. He was both nervous and relieved to be talking to James’s mum. She would understand, above everyone, what it felt like to lose him. Not that the others didn’t emphasise that he knew they would, but Adeline would understand, and he thought that maybe she would also like to know what had happened to her son in the year she was away. Ernie would tell her if she asked because she had a right to know. A little after he put the phone back, his dad came back into the house holding a white plastic bag which he knew would hold their dinner for that night. After that, they went into the lounge and put ITV on for the rest of the night. For the first time in two days, he ate an entire meal.

The next morning Ernie woke up again; the previous night, he had gone to bed at around 11 and woke up at 9; therefore, he hoped he was returning to his old sleep schedule; then again, he always felt so tired. Ages ago, back when he was studying for his OWL exams, he could be able to run off four hours of sleep, not the opposite was true; he couldn’t even run off 10. Ernie hadn’t yet told his parents about what he had arranged with Mrs Butler; today was the first day they both had to be at work, and they told him explicitly to call them if he needed anything at all. He didn’t know how to tell them last night. He didn’t know how to explain his moment of desperation when his dad had gone to get them dinner.

He managed to get himself dressed and ready, and he had just eaten himself breakfast/lunch by 1:00; almost on the dot, he heard the doorbell ring. Ernie switched the kettle that was already filled with water on, as he guessed they would both need fortification in the form of a cup of tea for the conversation they would be about to have. He then walked down the hallway to the door and opened it. Adeline was standing on the steps that led to his house, and he could immediately tell how much losing her youngest had affected her. Her brown eyes were vividly red and had massive bags underneath them; she was pale and thinner.

Ernie let her in, and immediately after he had closed the door, she hugged him. He didn’t know why but as soon as she held him, she began to cry, and not just cry but weep with these tremoring sobs “I’m sorry.” She said, “I’m so sorry…”

He didn’t know why she was apologising so much, but Ernie didn’t say anything back. He just hugged her back just as tight. “I-It’s okay,” Ernie reassured, feeling more tears burn behind his eyes, but this time he decided not to let them fall. “D-Do you want to sit down? A cup of tea?”

“Oh please… I-I’m so sorry…” she cried “I-I’ve- I’ve just been… y-you don’t need to worry I-I’m sorry…How are you Ernie?”

“I feel like you do.” Ernie admitted, “I feel empty, broken…”

She nodded, releasing him from the hug, he didn’t want to ask her how she was since he guessed it would make her break further, and he didn’t want to make her feel upset. He quickly made them both a cup of tea, inviting her to add her own milk because he knew different people had different ways of making tea.

“Thanks for coming.” Ernie said as they sat down in the lounge.

“It’s alright.” She said. “I-I knew how hard you would be taking this… h-how hard we’re all taking this… my family… Neville, Clary and Hannah… Luna…it just feels impossible…”

“It is…” Ernie agreed, “O-one moment we were all fine a-and the next there was pure destruction…when You Know Who attacked… but I-I thought naively that… I don’t know… that I wouldn’t have to see him get crushed to death in f-front of me… a-and for what… because he was…just there…”

Ernie didn’t mean for all of it to come out like that, but… he had been holding it in for such a long time. Adeline appeared to break after he said that. He remembered that in those moments, it felt like days to him as he tried to dig James out of the rubble. When he was in pure panic… pure hoping that he would somehow appear out of the dust unhurt. He then remembered holding him and begging him to wake up… but he didn’t because he wasn’t breathing… that his beautiful Jem had been snuffed out in the most horrible way possible. He remembered someone telling him that he had to let him go because there was “nothing to be done.” And he remembered Neville behind him watching… just numbly standing there looking at his best friend with teary eyes, realising the same thing as Ernie.

“I saw Clary yesterday… she told me everything…” Adeline said her voice broken, he felt horrible knowing exactly what she meant all the horrible things that had happened to them in the previous year “She told me… he was tortured by that Bellatrix Lestrange… that h-he… he saw horrific things happen to his friends… he saw L-Luna abducted… Clary beaten… Hannah… hurt when they took Luna… t-that he was the leader of the group you all formed… was that why he didn’t come to New Zealand…”

“Yes.” Ernie said, “H-He told me he couldn’t leave… because he felt some responsibility and that he… wanted to stay with me…”

She nodded. “Oh gosh… yet after suffering all that, he didn’t want to run…”

“We all wanted to run… d-deep down, we were all scared, but we knew fighting them was the right thing to do… I wanted to fight for our future together… n-now I wonder, was it all worth it?” Ernie admitted he remembered several conversations he had with James about running away, and the answer was the same each time. They couldn’t run. They fought because they knew they had to have any kind of future at all but now that future wouldn’t involve James

“Yes…” Adeline sighed. “I think I know what you mean… he didn’t die in vain… but we’ve still lost him, and everything that could’ve been can’t be anymore.”

“Yeah.” Ernie agreed “That’s how I feel. There were so many things… so many different things we’ve been cheated off because of…”

“W-What do you mean?” Adeline asked

“I-I saw a future with him…” Ernie admitted “I-I thought we’d… if we worked out I don’t know get married… settle down… and now I-I can’t… I-I know I’m only 17 years old, but h-he felt like w-we felt like…”

“Oh…” she sighed, reaching out her hand and holding Ernie’s, she caressed it gently as he tried to hold in more tears. Ernie felt that way; he felt like James was “the one”; he had never met anybody whom he could barely be without, whom he felt wholly at home with and now that home had been taken from him and the future he could’ve had was gone. It was then when she pulled Ernie into a hug again, reaching out to hold him, and that’s all they could do, wasn’t it? They had both lost him, and all they had left of him was each other.