What do you know about me?
What do you know about me?
Is what Remus wants to ask Sirius, desperately. It is more about if he knows that Remus is a werewolf, but he can't ask a question like that, not directly. Because, even if the chances are low, Remus still hopes that Sirius knows nothing. Even if Regulus is right – even if it doesn't change anything, because if Sirius knew, he knew it all the time they interacted with each other.
It was a weird talk, but it was talk with Regulus, so Remus isn't that surprised.
"What are you thinking so intensely about?" Regulus asked him, after Remus saw him transforming from Animagus form to the human one. They were watching each other for a while, probably thinking about completely different aspects of their encounter, but what Remus couldn't fathom was Regulus' tranquillity and poise after being discovered. Why was he so calm? Remus was almost sure that there was no Regulus Black in Animagi Register. Not the legal one.
Still, Remus was also wondering what could he say to reassure Regulus, that he won't tell anyone, since he is not a contemptible person. Well, mostly. The only secret, though, that came to his mind, was him assuming a wolf's form at the time of the full moon. And these secrets aren't exactly even ones, especially including their family names. Black is a powerful family, and being an illegal Animagus wouldn't affect anyone. Remus being a werewolf would destroy his life, if they would even spare him for him to see his life being awfully destroyed.
The first one to break the silence was Regulus, though, with a question of the subject of Remus' intense thinking.
"I wonder if I should tell you a secret, so we are even," Remus answered.
Regulus quirked an eyebrow, and Remus didn't miss the twitch of his lip.
"Don't bother, it was my mistake, not yours," Regulus sighed and started to walk away, but stopped when Remus started to talk again.
"Well, I just want you to know that I won't tell anyone."
Regulus turned his head to look at Remus with raised eyebrows.
"Your choice."
And Remus seeing Regulus nonchalant attitude, really wondered if it was just a pose, or was it really that insignificant.
"So what, you don't care?" Remus asked, the first time in a while, being interested in hearing an answer to his question. But what Regulus replied was the essence of why Remus should be wary of what he says in front of the younger Black.
"And why do you?" Regulus questioned, turning all his body to face Remus'. And it was genuinely puzzling statement. Why does Remus care about Regulus' Black well-being and comfort? Since as much as Remus wanted to imitate James sometimes, he was never him. He wouldn't stop walking, if he passed a stranger needing help on the street. He is not James-type-of-person, who helps unknown people straight up.
There was this difference, though, that Remus' only job was to keep someone's secret locked up, and that was something he was good at. So why not do this? It was not harmful in any way. But why would he want to reassure Regulus about it? Is it because he knew how it is to live in fear of being exposed? But Regulus didn't look afraid or anxious. He was relieved it was Remus. Why was he relieved?
"I don't know?" Remus answered honestly. "You are friends with James, and you're Sirius' brother, so I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with me?" He asked, more than answered. But it actually made sense. Because, it didn't matter if Remus wanted it or not. Wanted or not, Remus started to count Regulus as an eventual part of his future. Remus could think of a reason more significant, something like reformation of their inter-Houses rivalry, about being fair or just about respecting each other as living beings.
Remus told the truth, though. And he did it, without knowing.
Regulus looked like he was pondering about something and then sighed.
"Surprising, that me being friends with James, came before me being Sirius' brother, when I'm not even Potter's friend." Regulus said and wanted to go, but hesitated and added, "Besides, you don't have to bother. I already know your secret."
"What?" Remus asked, suddenly feeling his heart thumping with fright.
"I'm not the only one, who likes to take the form of an animal, am I?" Regulus put a question, knowing the answer already. And it made Remus so cold, that he haven't ever experienced horror that strong. Not cellar, not chains were ever cold as much as the fear.
"Does Sirius know, too?" Remus asked, not even sure, what was the reason behind it. Was he afraid that Sirius knew, because then he could tell someone, or was he afraid of Sirius knowing, since it would make Remus a monster in the other boy's eyes?
Regulus scoffed, and shook his head.
"Don't ask me what Sirius know, and what does he not. Ask him if you want to." Regulus caught Remus gaze and possibly Remus imagined it, but Regulus seemed to soften a little. "But truly," Regulus continued, turning away to go in his own direction. "What difference would it make?"
And now, Remus, searching for Sirius, wants to, really wants to think about it in Regulus' way. Because, if Sirius knew that Remus was a werewolf before they got familiar with each other, then it would mean, that Sirius didn't care. Or cared, but wasn't afraid of Remus. Or was, but didn't show it, so Remus didn't know. It's better, when the enemy doesn't know about you being in possession of their secret. If Remus treated Sirius as his enemy, and acquired the secret that his life depends on, he wouldn't inform Sirius about it.
Is Sirius considering him as his enemy?
But Regulus told Remus about it, so does that mean he has nothing against him? Or does that mean, that Regulus makes his first move, and it's a part of some sort of twisted plan?
And why, on bloody Merlin's beard, is Remus being so paranoid?
He stops in his tracks to gather his thoughts.
It was Remus, who approached Sirius first. It couldn't be part of any plan, since it's Remus who started it all. From when, has Regulus known about Remus' problem? If he noticed, it probably wasn't recently, because there was only one full moon since the beginning of the school. And that means, Regulus knew for some time, already, and did not tell a thing. And Sirius probably knows, too, because they are brothers. Regulus seems like a secretive type of person, though, so there is no certainty that he told his older brother. But who says it was Regulus, who knew first? It could be Sirius. They're both intelligent. And what if Sirius knows? What if he knew for a long time?
Remus feels like a great weight falls off his shoulders. He feels a lot of emotions, and among them is anxiety, and there is still the infamous fear, but… What Remus tries to focus on, is the relief.
If Sirius knew for a long time, he told no one, and what's more, he wasn't affected. Or didn't show it.
He was never malicious, never evil. Never truly hostile.
Remus doesn't know, though, if Sirius knows. He takes a deep breath and goes further, still with the same question in his mind.
What do you know about me?
And when Remus finally sees Sirius, he slows down. Maybe to gather his courage, maybe to delay irreversible, but Remus is taking dawdle steps. Shorter, slower ones.
Sirius is standing, leaning on the wall next to some door. If Remus remembers correctly, there are only some cleaning essentials there, so Sirius probably isn't waiting for someone. He is just standing there, looking at how wizards and witches are coming and going, or merely passing by. It's weirdly nostalgic of Sirius, and Remus wonders… Will Sirius be missing Hogwarts? He has mostly only Regulus, though, so what really would he miss, if not people?
Security is the word that comes to Remus' mind. And isn't it true? Doesn't Remus find a strange sense of security in Hogwarts, too?
Remus can only take two steps, before Sirius looks up at him from afar, as if he sensed Remus coming. Then Remus hurries his pace, to his typical one, trying to look ordinary.
When he is finally near Sirius, Remus can't remember what is the question he wanted to ask.
"Is following me your method?" Sirius asks, turning his head the other way, facing almost empty halls. Remus doesn't take his eyes off him, though.
"Method of what?" Remus questions, but Sirius says nothing, just looking at what is in front of him. The mood is not uncomfortable, but it’s still unnatural. It feels a little heavy, like the time stopped, but it's only Remus and Sirius, who are aware that something has changed. Like they wait for the time to work again, but simultaneously they don't want it to work again. Then Remus remembers how sounded the question he bore in his mind. "What do you know about me?"
It sounds sudden, and not as natural as Remus planned to ask, but he believes he wouldn't get the answer anyway, because it's not typical of Sirius to do what he does next. Or maybe, at this point, it's starting to be the habit?
Because, instead of answering, Sirius grabs Remus by his robe, and pulls him into the room next to them, before closing the door behind.
"You really must have a death wish," Sirius mutters under his nose and listens to the noise outside the room they got into. Remus gazes at him all this time, and when Sirius meets his gaze, Remus doesn't stop. Remus kind of wants to ask what was that about, but quickly changes his mind, wanting to tease Sirius instead. The boy will tell him the reason anyway, because he will want to explain his behaviour, so Remus doesn't get the wrong idea. As if Remus is able to think that Sirius pulled him into some tight space, to have a lovely chat with him.
So Remus looks at Sirius, focusing on his eyes. It still amazes Remus, that until he met Sirius, he always believed the most attractive feature of the person is the eyes. And Sirius, too, has beautiful eyes, but they're the most appealing until you look at the cheekbones. Then the cheekbones are the most striking. Then you look at the mouth and you change your mind, again. It's like Sirius' face was made of flawless parts only. And it makes a complete combination.
Or maybe Sirius' facial features are just perfect for Remus.
And it's a real shame, that Remus met someone, who attracts him so much, because it only makes him more aware of himself.
Remus doesn't think of it, when he faces Sirius, though. It's later, than he ruminates on it.
Now, when he stares at Sirius, he is more focused on him, than himself. On his intense gaze, on the oddly serious look on his face, on emotions in his eyes, that he is not able to decipher. It's weirdly calming, these moments of silence between them. Silence full of unspoken words. Full of things that could happen, but the world was made the way that leaves them only with silence, instead. Full of glances, instead of straight on gazes, of sentences, instead of promises. It's sad sometimes, to live in a world, where magic is the essence of your existence, but it makes you live in a reality, instead of fantasy.
Remus sometimes feels, like the time stops, though, and it definitely isn't part of reality. It's something between, not exactly down-to-earth, but it's not above the ground, either. But Remus doesn't really focus on that.
Because it's just Sirius in front of him. It's simple.
Just simple.
"Are you stunned?" Sirius asks with a smirk, and his voice sounds too loud in their shared place, where silence is louder than words. And Sirius is right, Remus is stunned, just by their presence together. By collision of their two words, the one Remus caused. Isn't Sirius asking a question that many would call just stupid? Of course, Sirius is stunning. He is confident, elegant, beautiful. It's nothing new, to be stunned by something you find more captivating than your favourite piece of art. When did Sirius become someone so enchanting to Remus? Why is Remus so enraptured by him? Is he that shallow? Why would his attention always turn to the boy that is beside him?
But of course, Remus has to give the answer to Sirius' question, and he decides to take advantage of the fact, that not only him is still, but also Sirius is standing in front of him, watching him and waiting for something.
"Are you comfortable?" Remus asks, then. Sirius hasn't moved an inch after he focused his attention on Remus, but now he turns his head the other direction and takes a step back, distancing himself physically.
"Do you have some need to twist my words?" Sirius sighs and leans his back against the wall. Remus changes his position to stand beside him.
"I'm just asking you if you're comfortable. You did look like you were enjoying yourself."
"Sure," Sirius says, and when Remus glances at him, he has his head tilted up, resting against the wall, with closed eyes. Remus looks up at the ceiling. There is nothing more than a few webs and shadows to see.
"Are we friends?" Remus asks suddenly.
Sirius looks at Remus with his head still resting on the wall. "Why are you asking? Do you need it for your bet?"
Remus doesn't show it, but he forgot the bet, so he feels surprised after the question.
"No, it's just you abruptly pulled me here, and I don't know if I should ask you the reason."
"Bellatrix," Sirius admits.
"Honestly, I was certain the first thing you do after pulling me into this room, would be trying to explain yourself, so I won't get the wrong idea, but you…" Remus stops, not knowing what exactly happened next. He sees Sirius leaning against the wall, without any tension in his body, seeming surprisingly relaxed. Almost enjoying himself behind the closed door, separated from the halls that are potentially getting filled with students. He watches Sirius watching him and a small curve forms on his face and Remus knows precisely why. He is happy. Remus is content, because Sirius made use of the situation to relax a bit, to feel the silence between them, and it gives Remus a sense of achievement that he's unintentionally giving Sirius his own moment of peace.
"I what?" Sirius asks, furrowing his eyebrows.
"You just were staring at me waiting for a snog," Remus finishes jokingly, but Sirius elbows him fiercely, so Remus chuckles and looks down, watching his feet. He glances up at Sirius to see him looking the other direction, again, and it's a shame for Remus really, not being able to see the expression on Sirius face. "What, you don't want a snog?"
"Piss off," Sirius mumbles, but glances at Remus, making his heart race a little. Remus has his little lopsided smile on his face all the time. He feels like his eyes soften a little, though, when they meet Sirius' ones, and his smile falters, transforming into something more sad and maybe longing, forgetting about hiding his feelings for once.
"I will," Remus closes his eyes, restraining himself from looking at Sirius face. "I'll, once I believe you genuinely want me to."
The only sounds that reach Remus' ears are the muffled voices from the hall outside the room, beside low and calm Sirius' breaths.
"Alright," Sirius agrees quietly, and Remus opens his eyes immediately, to look at the boy beside him. To catch his gaze.
"Thank you," Remus says with lips curled at the corners. It's an important moment, or Remus believes so, because Sirius is looking at him slightly mindlessly, like the 'thank you' message is the most unexpected one. And maybe that's true. Maybe it's something that Remus should start with, showing gratitude.
Sirius rubs his hands on his robe and takes a step. He opens the door to leave, but before doing so, he stops.
"I know, that you're too stubborn for your own good," Sirius says, without looking back, and it takes Remus too little time, to understand he got the answer to his question. And even if it isn't the one he wanted, the smile that blooms on Remus face is real.
The soft chuckle after it, is genuine, too.
When Remus is back to their dorm, he sits down heavily on his bed. Peter looks up from his book and James throws him a questioning look.
"I'm doomed," Remus says, before lying on his bed and covering himself with a blanket.
He can't see it, but he is certain that his best friends are showing each other amused or perky smiles.
---
"Elspeth," Peter says, seeing the girl in the empty Gryffindor common room. She looks up at him, and her cheeks instantly flood with colour. His eyes fall upon the stack of books that are lying around her. "Studying?"
She nods, and fidgets in her place. "Um, do you need something?"
Peter smiles and shakes his head. "No, no. I won't be disturbing you, so you can go back to your work."
"No!" Elspeth cries suddenly. She looks down at her legs, before meeting Peter's eyes, again. "No, I'm working a long time. I mean," she takes a shallow breath. "Oh, bloody Merlin, I mean, that I need a break."
Peter chuckles. "Sure," he says, and sits down next to her. He checks out her books that are lying around, and what Peter notices is that there are titles from probably all of her subjects. "Do you study all subjects at once, or you can't decide what to do?"
Elspeth' blush comes back. "No, it's just… It might sound weird, but I actually like studying, and it's something I do in my free time."
Peter tries not to look surprised, but looking at Elspeth' embarrassed expression, he knows the job he does is definitely far from good.
"Cool," Peter says, not knowing how to comfort her hobbies. "You know, you're one of the few people I know, who have a hobby, that must be really gratifying. I mean, most of us have something that gives us pleasure, while doing it. But for you, it's different, because you're actually doing something useful? And it must be satisfying seeing the results of exams, isn't it?"
"It is," Elspeth speaks shyly.
"I believe I haven't seen you studying here, yet?"
"Well, I was usually studying in my room," Elspeth admits. "Because whenever I was studying in somewhere public, Marlene always managed to find me and…"
"Pester you?" Peter asks, with a crooked smile.
"Yes…"
"But she stopped?"
"It's actually a little disturbing, but Marlene recently doesn't come near me," Elspeth says. "She greets me and gives me space, I think?"
Peter wonders if his words made Marlene back down for some time, and it's something that gives him the sense of fulfilment. "And how are you feeling about it?"
Elspeth thinks about for a few moments, before answering. "Relieved."
"Good," Peter smirks and looks around. "Do you mind me bringing my own book to study with you?"
Peter watches Elspeth for any signs of discomfort, but sees only the shake of her head. He goes to his room to take his books with him, and after a few minutes, is back in the common room. In the meantime, Elspeth seemingly organized her volumes to make some space for Peter. He places his books and takes one to start reading. They sit this way for a long time, and Peter kindly doesn't point out that Elspeth didn't turn a page even once. Or maybe she did just that?
---
It is the other day, one before Hogsmeade, that James, Peter and Remus come back from Herbology that all of them attend. They are near Argus' Filch's room, when they hear the clattering of something and the other noises that make them look at each other.
"Is it Filch finally going mad?" James asks.
Remus scoffs. "I'm afraid it'll take him much more time to do so."
The boys grin and go in the direction of the noise.
"Does anyone have the map?" Peter asks. James takes the map out of his robe and starts to unfold it.
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," James taps the map. They all lean down to have a look at their location on it.
"But there is no Filch in there?" Peter thinks out loud. He looks at James and Remus, but they both have furrowed eyebrows, not knowing what is going on, since, not only there is no Filch in there, but also there is no one at all.
"Do you think someone could pull a prank?" James wonders.
"We didn't pull any delayed pranks that we forgot about, right?" Remus questions.
"James wouldn't forget," Peter disagrees. "Maybe it's not in Filch's, though?"
"Peeves," Remus says suddenly, and it makes sense. Who would make mischief if not them?
"Look here," James points out at something on the map, and when Peter directs his gaze, where James points, he sees the name of the poltergeist. "He moved, but is still near."
"Do we want to look around?" Peter asks, but hopes James and Remus won't want to do so.
"Stupid question, my mate," James answers and hides the map. "I think I'll go see what Peeves has done in Filch' office."
Remus looks at Peter questioningly. "Do you want to go to our room? We'll catch up soon and will tell you everything."
Peter smiles at his mates. "I think I'll go, but I'll take the route Peeves took, so I can find out what he's up to, now."
"See you in our room, then," James waves his hand and goes, Remus just behind him, but soon catching up with him.
Peter wanders around places that Peeves was seen on the map, and soon he hears the poltergeist's laughter, so he goes in that direction. In one of the classrooms, Peter finds a quite usual sight in front of him. It's Peeves the poltergeist, a little man in a bell-covered hat and orange bow-tie. Peter takes in poltergeist' wide, malicious smile that is directed at him. White powder is everywhere surrounding Peeves, but of course not on the man himself.
"What have you done, Peeves?" Peter asks, not sure if he wants to know the answer.
"Me?" Peeves points at himself and chuckles. "Of course nothing."
"Then what were these noises near?"
Peeves smiles wildly. "I don't understand the question."
Peter sighs, already tired of talking with the poltergeist. He swears, the only person that is able to talk with Peeves is James.
"I'm asking you who did the mess in… where, actually, was it Filch' office?"
Peeves dramatically spreads his hands. "Who was the evildoer?" He chuckles again. "You're a bit stupid, aren't you? Obviously it was you."
Peter stills, not knowing what Peeves means by his accusation, but soon the sound of fast footsteps follows poltergeist's words, and Peter doesn't have to understand what Peeves has done, to know, that he is in trouble.
Peter is too slow, to dodge the poltergeist, when he strikes at him, with something white in his hand. Peter closes his eyes, but doesn't feel the hit. What he breathes in, though, is some powder that makes him cough. When Peter opens his eyes, he has something white on him, that smells like chalk.
"You!" Peter hears from behind him, and when he turns around, Filch is standing there, all red, with a pose full of anger. Peter don't have to look around to know, that Peeves is nowhere here. "Peter Pettigrew! I will make sure you're punished severely for destroying my office! You'll end up in much worse condition, so you can learn your lesson!"
"But it wasn't me!" Peter cries.
"Oh, so it wasn't you? And that chalk that covers my office is on you, just by chance?"
"It was Peeves, sir!"
"Peeves?" Filch gets even angrier. "That's how you, teenage boys, try to take responsibility for your own actions? You're not punished accordingly for your mistakes, and that's why you're not mature enough!"
"But, sir, really, Peeves came her-"
"But, sir, really, Peeves came here," Filch mimics him in a high tone. "Peeves, Peeves, Peeves, it's always Peeves. Do you think I'll believe that Peeves fled, when he had the opportunity to make my life even more miserable? Be ashamed, boy, I know exactly who you are. You're going with me."
And because Peter has no choice, but to be framed by the biggest troublemaker in Hogwarts, he follows Filch to the office of McGonagall, and when he is back, James and Remus are waiting already to hear what happened. Peter tells them about the penalty he got, that is detention and a ban for the next Hogsmeade trip. After it, it's quiet.
"Well, it's good, though, that Filch didn't see the map," James breaks the silence.
"He would probably think it's some kind of dark object, wouldn't he?" Remus pats Peter on the shoulder.
Peter sighs.
"Of course," he says. "Be the good friends and buy something sweet for me in Hogsmeade, would you?"
"Wormy, there's no way we would fail in being good friends," James smiles broadly. And why, oh why, Peter believes the sweets he will get, will be James' ones?