The RED Era - 9
JAMES: I went to the pub and got absolutely pissed. I was furious with Regulus for saying that because he was right. What would I know about love? Nobody wanted me.
LILY: I was in my pajamas watching SNL at home when I heard a knock at my door. Mary had just left, and I was getting ready to go to bed. We’d drunken up nearly three bottles of wine, and I was gone to say the least.
I opened the door and there was James.
JAMES: I remember seeing her face and thinking about how beautiful she is. All I could think about was that she was so beautiful, and I was convinced nobody would ever tell her that as much as I could.
I told her she was beautiful.
LILY: I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t think I’m a bad person. But that night, I was.
The truth is, no matter how much sex I had, I wasn’t getting what I really wanted, which was intimacy. And I knew that James wasn’t the answer either. I knew that.
But I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted it to be him so badly.
I shouldn’t have done it. I knew he was still in love with me. But I wanted to be in love so badly…
I kissed him and then we slept together.
JAMES: It felt like everything was going to be okay. When she kissed me, I felt okay. When she held my face in her hands like she used to, I was just about ready to marry her. She was the one and if that wasn’t true, then I didn’t know anything at all.
LILY: I woke up in the morning with the worst headache and James sleeping next to me.
I knew I fucked up.
JAMES: When I woke up, she was already dressed. She was on the edge of the bed, biting her nails. I remember I smiled at her, and she frowned back.
LILY: He smiled at me. I was about to shatter this man and he smiled at me. I didn’t deserve it. Even now, I don’t deserve him. Everything that’s pure in the world is what makes up James Potter.
JAMES: I asked her what this meant as I pulled my shirt on, and she stared at me with big, sad eyes. The same eyes she had when she had broken up with me.
I just kept saying “no”.
LILY: He kept saying “no”.
I told him last night was lovely, but it shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t love him like that anymore, and I couldn’t have him when my feelings didn’t extend past friendship. I couldn’t wait to see if I would fall in love with him again. It wasn’t fair to me or to him.
JAMES: I didn’t know what was wrong with me that she didn’t want me. Didn’t she know how much I loved her? How much I was willing to give up for her?
But she didn’t want me. And I knew then I couldn’t spend the rest of my life pining over her when she’d probably forget about me within a week. She was moving on and I needed to. Even if it killed me.
LILY: He was quiet for a few minutes before he said, “I don’t want to see you again for a long time.”
I told him I understood.
Then he said, “Don’t come to any more shows.”
I nodded. And then he left. And I didn’t see James again for two years.
JAMES: I didn’t go home. Not yet. I still needed time. Time to think. Time to be. So I walked down to my mother’s house and stayed there for about a week.
She didn’t ask any questions, and I always loved that about her. She gave me space when I needed it and gave me her attention when I needed it.
It took about two hours for me to go to her. She’s always been my confidante. She knows me better than I know myself.
So she listened while I told her about Lily, about how I felt lonely even though I had a good life.
And she said, “Pain can’t tell whether you have a good life or not. It just happens.”
PETER: None of us could find James that night. It was stupid, really. The first place we should have gone was Lily’s, but nobody thought to look there until a few days passed, and she was in Manchester by then.
SIRIUS: I called Mum after we searched Lily’s. And she said he was at home, but not to look for him or tell anyone. So I did exactly what my mother told me to do, and boy was everyone pissed.
REGULUS: He wouldn’t tell us where he was and I thought that was absolute shit. We all had the right to know. We were all pissed, actually.
REMUS: None of us were angry except for Regulus. We understood James needed his space and we knew Effie wouldn’t be so calm unless she knew where he was.
PETER: So we were all pretty much living our lives like normal. Except for Regulus.
REGULUS: I was writing like crazy because I was feeling so many things. A good chunk of it didn’t make the original album, as you know. I was sad and angry because I missed John. I was angry with myself for being mean to James. So I wrote everything down.
JAMES: I came back to the flat during lunch. I immediately went to get my guitar, and I played “Wildest Dreams” for everyone.
SIRIUS: It’s probably my favorite song on 1979. The yearning, the imagery, and his voice . My God. His voice on this song… it’s so raspy and hopeful and far away. Great fucking song.
JAMES: This song came to me over the course of the week with my mother. I just… I wanted to write Lily and I a happy ending. Not in the sense of us being together, but of our relationship ending on a good note. I’m not entirely sure how the song ended up being in her perspective, but… it just happened.
REGULUS: So James just strolls back in like he hasn’t been missing and plays a song for us and everyone’s amazed. It really pissed me off, because I had been writing things too, but now everyone was talking about James’s song and how good his song was.
But before I could get too upset, I remembered why James had been gone in the first place. So I forced myself to smile and told him I had a few ideas ready if he wanted to work on them. He said yes.