Hogwarts Years - 4
PETER: When Sirius told me he had run away, I felt like I could breathe again. I knew he was safe. He was happier, healthier. But he didn’t talk about it. And we didn’t ask.
Except Remus.
REMUS: As soon as I met Sirius, I know I was screwed. I tried to ignore it as long as I could, I really did. And it wasn’t because he was a bloke. I already knew I liked boys and girls.
It was because it would fuck everything up. I didn’t want to be tiptoed around.
I was diagnosed with a heart condition when I was a baby. I wasn’t supposed to make it past a year, and my dad couldn’t handle it. He left a week in.
I’m okay now. I wasn’t for a bit. My dad leaving made me… feel like someone who was too difficult to take care of. And I just assumed everyone would feel that way.
[laughs]
Sirius put me in my fucking place.
SIRIUS: I was thirteen when I realized I liked boys, fourteen when I realized I liked Remus, and fifteen when I realized I loved him.
Eventful year for me. I got my parents and a soulmate.
It was a tad frustrating. Moony wouldn’t let himself near me. I could tell he liked me—everyone could. But he wouldn’t let himself like me.
I tried to give him space and whatnot. But one night after a footie match, I was plastered and I told him I liked him. Say what you want about the taste of whiskey, but it gets the fucking job done.
REMUS: I fought him on it. I told him not to make me feel better—not to pity me. I told him I didn’t need to be fixed and all the stupid things I could think of to make him go away. It wasn’t that I could die or anything like that. It was… a simple case of fucking daddy issues.
I’m not proud of this, but I even asked him what the hell had happened that night, thinking he’d run away all traumatized.
No. He told me.
SIRIUS: I told him. But at the same time, I could tell I didn’t need to. Remus and I… we’re similar. Not in the sad, depressed little kid way. But in the way that even we don’t understand. We just know each other. The way you know what your mother smells like and the way you know your best friend’s favorite color. I told him. And then he kissed me.
REMUS: And then I kissed him. And believe it or not, we’ve been together ever since. Except… except that one time, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
It was simple when I let him in. There is nobody who knows me better, sometimes even myself.
There’s always a glass of milk on the nightstand before I go to bed because he knows it settles my stomach. He knows that when my heart starts acting up, that I like heated blankets and navy bean soup.
He makes me feel at peace.
SIRIUS: I got lucky with my… what do Americans call it? High school sweetheart.
Some of us weren’t as lucky. I mean, aside from my brother, Evans… Evans went through a lot.
LILY: I fucking hate talking about this. There’s only one person who knows everything from start to finish aside from Severus and I, and that’s Mary. Everyone else knows bits and pieces because I either get too angry or too sad.
I tried telling Remus once, but I was so angry I ended up crashing my baby blue Volkswagen Beetle. Now he refuses to drive with me. I barely hit that tree.
REMUS: She almost fucking killed me.
LILY: I grew up in a small town outside of Nottingham, where most people live in the houses they grew up in. My parents did, and they really wanted my sister and I to live there too.
I swear I’m not trying to sound pretentious or anything, but I never quite wanted that. I knew I wanted to travel, and I knew I wanted to live in a different part from where I grew up. Holidays were always a special time because I’d get to visit new places and think about what it’d be like to live there.
Severus was the same. His mum grew up in the house. His dad couldn’t take being so stationary and quiet, and he left when we were three, I think. But we didn’t meet until we were nine.
I was arguing with my sister about some great problem I can no longer remember, and he was walking out of the small bakery we were heading to. He stopped for a minute and then told Petunia she was wrong. It sounds like he was a downright cunt, but I appreciated it because nobody stood up to Petunia. I liked his nerve.
And while I don’t remember what we were arguing about, I’m sure she was wrong.
So first impressions? I liked his nerve.
PETUNIA DURSLEY (Lily Evan’s Sister): I always thought he was a freak and I was right. I mean, what nine year old tells off a random girl he’s never met?
LILY: We hit it off quickly, and we’d spend our time wreaking havoc whenever we could. We went to the same school, and continued our friendship. Nothing really changed until we were fifteen. When I started to hate James Potter less.
JAMES: Evans stopped despising me during the first few weeks of our fifth year. At that point, I had grown into myself. Arrogant? Always. But I was less of a ten year old asshat asking her out every week.
[chuckles]
I decided to charm her slowly. But I decided then that even if she only wanted to be my friend, I’d be okay with that.
LILY: He grew out of his ways. He stopped pestering me and was content with being my friend, which I initially rebuffed, but I grew to care for him.
You can ask any person who knows him and about 99.9% of people like him. He’s a likable person. Sweet, unbelievably kind, and humorous. And that’s exactly what made me fall for him. Aside from the fact that he’s gorgeous, of course.
[grins]
I was petrified to discover I liked James. And once I knew, I tried to avoid him like the plague, which was difficult considering Hogwarts is a small school. And the bastard knew right away.
JAMES: She was different with me. It wasn’t a sudden shift in her behavior, but a gradual one. Honestly, I feel like I knew before she did. She’d get skittish if I were too close and all pink if I caught her looking too long.
I can still see her now.
LILY: One day, we were working on a Potions project in the library, and I think he was reaching for a book or something when his hand grazed my neck. I don’t even think he meant to do it. And his hand was so hot, almost like he was on fire. People always tell me I run hot, but he was hotter. Like draws to like.
Anyway, his hand touches my neck and I turn around all angry thinking he did it on purpose, and he’s standing in front of me, confused.
JAMES: I mean, what did I do? All of a sudden, she’s staring at me with such a killer expression. I swear to God, I thought I was going to die. But in a few seconds, her anger turned to this odd sort of expression, almost like she was breathless.
I laughed and said, “What? You’re looking at me like I fancy you or something.”
LILY: I said, “What if I do?”
JAMES: I damn near fainted. And then she kissed me.
LILY: That was the beginning of our relationship and the end of mine with Severus.
SEVERUS SNAPE (Freelance Photographer): Lily Evans.
I’ve known Lily Evans since we were nine. She’s the one who gave me my first camera, actually. She’s in a lot of my early work. Right up until she started dating Potter.
…
…
…
I never simply wanted to be her friend. I loved Lily from the moment I knew her, and even at nine, I knew she was my soulmate. She was the only person in the world who understood me. The only one.
But I never told her.
LILY: Severus was my best friend for the longest time. At some points, he was my only friend. I mean, we weren’t from the nicest town and we were attending a posh school. Naturally some kids weren’t fans of us.
But Severus was a tad bit better off than I was. His family was the wealthiest in our shabby hometown, and both of his parents had gone to Hogwarts. So people respected him for that.
I never thought he’d be like them. I was wrong.
SEVERUS: I was upset when she started seeing Potter. I mean, we had spent years talking about how arrogant and awful he was. He was a twat to her and to me. His whole group was.
SIRIUS: Look, I’m not one to condone bullying, but it wasn’t like he was all innocent.
JAMES: Like I said, I was a prat.
REMUS: I’m not proud of it.
PETER: It’s not an excuse, but I was young and dumb. It’s not a reflection of who I am now.
SIRIUS: I mean, have you seen pictures of him from that time? You expected him to run free of some light heckling?
JAMES: Don’t get me wrong, he was an asshole too. But I instigated a lot. And I do feel bad. Not bad enough to apologize, though. Not after what he said to Lily.
LILY: I dreaded telling Severus. But I wanted him to know that James wasn’t that annoying eleven year old boy anymore. I thought… I stupidly thought we could all be friends. I thought worlds of sunshine and glitter still existed.
Spoiler alert—it didn’t go well.
SEVERUS: I didn’t mean it. I need her to know that. Lily, if you ever read this, I didn’t mean it.
LILY: I told him and he… he was upset. He started asking why and how. He asked me why I would betray him like this when we were supposed to be best friends. And I was hurt and said, “Well, best friends support each other.”
…
And he said, “What do you think I’ve been doing, hanging out with you? No legacies and no money? You don’t belong here and I’ve always supported you.
SEVERUS: I didn’t mean it. I loved her. I love her.
LILY: To this day, what he told me was one of the worst things I’ve ever been told in my life. That someone wouldn’t want me because of how much made was attached to my name. Even now, money is not something I care about.
REMUS: All of us were nearby when Snape told Lily that. Lily wanted us close because she thought we could all be friends. And maybe if things were different, we could have.
SIRIUS: Good God, we almost killed him.
LILY: I slapped him across the face as soon as his words hit me. I told him he didn’t need to worry about that anymore. That was the last time I spoke to him. He’s tried, of course. But I can’t. I won’t.
That night, a little melody fell into my head. And “Cold As You” was born. As a poem, at least. I didn’t know shit then.
SEVERUS: If I could change anything in my life, it would be that. She doesn’t know I loved her, but I hope she knows that if she ever wanted me back, I’d be right at her doorstep.
LILY: He said that?
[snorts]
Screw him. Make sure he hears that.