It was weird. Ever since he had escaped Azkaban, Sirius felt his mind being…different than before. Oh, he had felt the changes when the Dementors lurked near his cell, twisting his thoughts and instilling fear in him.
At least when he had been in his dog form, they had been bearable. But ever since he was gone from that dreary place, it had been hard to get his thoughts all in order.
There were times when all he could do was curl up in a little ball, and cry loudly while he clutched his head, trying to fight the feeling of falling under. Sometimes it got so bad, that he didn’t even realise it when he soiled himself.
Of course, explanations presented themselves in his head, but he quickly discarded them.
As a base, Sirius never had shown a lot of interest in other designations like littles or caregivers, but they all got the basics, and there could be one thing that could explain the symptoms he was having.
A reversal.
The condition of one designation changing into another, most of the time due to a traumatic event.
He denied it. Denied it for years while he was running, even after he had found Harry, and he managed to keep on denying it even when they moved to Grimauld place.
It was harder to hide everything there. Too many people walking around, too many curious ears and eyes everywhere. It was only because he got himself a wand that he could spell his soiled sheets clean, and when he felt that he couldn’t hold back the fuzziness of his brain, he locked himself in his room, playing with old toys until he managed again.
Sirius knew that if he admitted to it, people would help him out and accept him, but in his mind it was impossible. He wanted to be the one who took care of people, who took care of Harry and kept them safe.
Being a little, it was complicated. He was an adult still, but he had certain needs and one of those needs was to be taken care of. It was just like a caregiver needed someone to take care off. Two parts of a whole.
But the fact that it was due to a reversal would make people distrust him. They knew he was mentally too weak to hold on, and they would insist on him getting help before they let him help with the order.
God knows that the Weasley woman would take it as an excuse to get him out of the order and contradict everything he said about Harry. He could just hear her say it that he was having a tantrum and needed a nap.
The thought made the hairs on his back stand up.
No, it was better to keep it all under wraps. And he managed. He managed to hide himself away, to clean his own sheets, to keep it all in the privacy of his rooms. Not even Remus knew.
So why, of all people did that darned snake of a Snivellous had to find him when he was having trouble with his mind, the fuzzy feeling invading him.
“Something wrong, dog?” Snape said, his voice deep and sneering. The derisive tone wasn’t anything new, and normally Sirius would have reacted to it, would have snarled something back. At least, if he wasn’t falling in headspace.
“Don’t be mean,” Sirius said back, a quiver in his voice. The normally angry look on Snape’s face changed into a confused frown, at Sirius’s weird response.
“That’s strong, coming from you,” the man said, taking a threatening step closer, and Sirius’s body froze suddenly. Of course, from all the people who had to be a caregiver, Snape was one of them.
His body reacted to the presence of a caregiver so close. His mind, which had been on the edge, just seemed to jump off completely, and Sirius whimpered, tucking his thumb in his mouth while he pressed himself to the wall.
The Slytherin took a step back, surprised at the behaviour, and a moment later looking down at the wetness that quickly spread on Sirius’s crotch, creating a puddle between his feet.
“You’re a little?” the man asked, his own body reacted to the presence of a distressed little.
“So what?” Sirius retored, sniffeling and wondering what he was going to do about the mess. No sooner had he thought that, did Snape disappear the mess.
“Is the wolf your caregiver?” Snape asked, his tone sounding almost concerned.
“No,” Sirius said, “go room,”
“Go room?” Snape repeated, and Sirius just turned around, trying his best to concentrate on his gait to get to his room as quickly as possible. Luckily the house was empty but for the two, a rare occasion.
Sirius looked up at the looming staircase, a concerned frown on his face, but he couldn’t falter now. He needed to get up, away from staring eyes and than it would all be okay in a couple of hours.
So focused on his task to get up the stairs, that he didn’t notice the man following him, his eyes wide and curiously staring at Sirius. He knew that the man was base. He was 100% sure that it was his designation.
Unless, of course, he had lied about it, like Severus had done about his own. It hadn’t been easy to slip himself a potion to temporary change his designation to base long enough for the test, but if he was to serve Voldemort or spy for him, he needed it to be secret.
Of course, seeing how complicated the potion was, he had serious doubts that any of the marauders were able to make it.
Severus was shake from his thoughts when he saw Sirius stumble on the stairs, and before he could help himself, he was holdig the man’s arm.
“Carefull there, don’t want to tumble down,” Snape said, his voice gentler than even he had expected he was capable off. Sirius looked at him wide-eyed, but didn’t pull back when he was guided on the stairs.
It was a weird couple of hours after that, Sirius at first uncomfortably starting to play with the toys he had pilfered, while Snape sat on the bed, looking contemplatively at the man.
After a small while, the little got more and more immersed in playing, and often ran to the Slytherin to show off his toys. Snape took them in his hands, and smiled and told him how nice it was, and it made Sirius’s chest swell in pride and happiness to hear the positive words.
“You can go now,” Sirius said suddenly, his mind finally having been able to dig itself out of the fuzziness of his headspace.
“I don’t think so,” Snape said, still looking at the other man, “I think we need to talk about this,”
“What’s there to talk about?” Sirius said, angrily getting up, gearing himself for a confrontation.
“None of that now,” Snape said, his voice strict and harsh, and Sirius really had to hold himself back from flinching, “you are hiding your designation,”
“I am,” Sirius admitted, before looking at Snape, “so are you,”
“So am I,” the man said amused. He had to admit that his mood felt a lot better now that he had spend some time with a little. It was difficult for a caregiver to be alone all the time, to never give him to his own body wishes.
“So, if you’re going to betray me, I’m going to betray you,” Sirius easily blackmailed the other man, making Snape snort.
“I don’t think you can hold own much longer. You just had a breakdown in the kitchen. How long before it’ll happen when people can see you?” Snape said, and this time Sirious flinched, knowing that the other man was right.
“So? What is that any of your concern?” he asked, and Snape looked at him, a thoughtfull expression on his face.
“Did you like me being here?” Snape asked and this time it was Sirius who snorted.
“Do I ever like you being here, Snivellous,” he sneered, making Snape frown.
“You did when you were showing of your chu chu train,” Snape said, using the words that Sirious had said, making the man flush.
“That was because I was in headspace,” Sirius said, his voice small and vulnerable.
“We could do it again,” Snape suggested, keeping his tone calm, even though his body sang for the little to say yes, even if it was Sirius black.
“Again?” Sirius said in surprise, “with you?”
“Yes. Generally, littles have less trouble to control their headspaces when they go down regularly with caregivers near,” Snape said, sounding all logic.
“Don’t pretend it’s just for me,” Sirius said, “we all know that caregivers get crazy without anyone to take care for. They all got those hero complexes going on then,”
“You can hardly say I got a hero complex,” Snape said, the corners of his mouth going down.
“Oh, can’t we?” Sirius said, his tone mocking, “Mr. let me spy for Voldemort, I don’t care if I get killed on the way,”
“Well, it’s not so bad as what your Godson has going on,” Snape sneered, making Sirius ball his fits.
“You let Harry out of this!” the man said. Making Snape clamp his lips tightly on each other.
“Fine, whatever,” the caregiver said, “but, I do think it’ll do both of us a world of good. We can try it, just a few times. That way, you won’t bawl the next meeting when you can’t get the sandwich you wanted,”
Sirius stared at Snape, thinking over the proposal and letting the mocking words be for what they were. A shield to deflect from the more serious question.
It was a gamble, trusting Snape of all people with his safety. On the other hand, harming Sirius when he was little was more a downside than an upside for Snape in this position.
“Fine,” Sirius said, if only for the fact that it was true that his headspace did feel a little lighter, more to the back of his mind, “fine, we’ll try it,”
And so they did. They spend every two weeks a few hours together, hiding away in Sirius’s room. Snape making sure he played safely, and commenting on his toys, making sure he had drinks, and even putting him in diapers during his headspace.
It had been so embarrassing to have the man change him, especially that one time that he had been lying on his bed, and Severus had just been wiping him clean when he was getting back in his big headspace.
Snape had been kind and gentle about it, and it had all been going well.
Severus was surprised about how well it had been going for him and Sirius this past few months. Walking down the hallway of Hogwarts, he felt his muscles tense at the knowledge that the Umbridge woman was trying to reign the school.
The pickled toad made his skin crawl, and he couldn’t wait until the curse for DADA did it’s work and finally got rid of her.
But for now, he tried to ignore the stress, knowing that tonight, he would have another playdate with Sirius. A hid a smile as he thought about the plushie he had secretly bought and wondering how little Sirius would react to it.
All was going well, until Potter got himself caught by the woman and uttered those words. Those words that broke his world.
“He’s got Padfoot,”