Red is an interesting colour. Sometimes it reminded James of his converse. How he could happily skip down the halls in them. High-fiving first years and waving to other Gryffindor quidditch players. He wore that colour with pride. He’d fly around the pitch wearing his jersey and smile as Gryffindor won a match.
It reminded him of the curtains on specific mornings when the sun would rise and cast red and orange hues onto the burgundy curtains. Making them look as happy as James had on those mornings.
Red reminded him of the one time Sirius wore lipstick. It was bright and bold and made Remus choke once he looked up from his book (If James remembers correctly it was Wuthering Heights). He remembers how happy Sirius became after that day. Finally in her own skin, finally free. He remembers how, since that day, Remus and Sirius were never separated. Never apart. His heart beat for both his friends (though sometimes being in a small dorm room wasn't the most ideal situation).
While maybe not red and more of a pink. Red reminded him of the blush on Regulus’ cheeks every time he said something stupid. How that blush was reserved for him and him only. How his nose went pink in the winter and how it contrasted with his pale skin. Whispers of “I love you” were little wisps of amaranth pink.
There was one thing though, that reminded him of red more than any of these things combined. The wisps. Don't laugh, it was the only name he could come up with at the time. The wisps looked a bit like a memory in a pensieve. But they couldn’t be more different. The wisps were many different shades of red. Vermillion red. Scarlet red. Orange-red. And they all spoke the truth.
“Next time don't eat that much,”
“Sirius hates you, why did you say that?”
“I should have said something else, God I’m such an idiot”
Each and every time Regulus was there. Talking him through it. Helping calm the wisps till they went from amaranth red to cerise pink. Then the wisps quickly turned to Brick red.
“He has his own issues”
“You’re a burden”
“You don’t deserve to be sad, other people have it worse”
Regulus could never save James from those wisps. Because James kept those wisps to himself. Tightly locked away in his head. Mixing with one another till the red was just red.
---
Red also reminded James of Lily’s red hair. As it swayed behind her with a little red ribbon in it. He fell in step next to her.
“Lily,” he said with the tip of his invisible hat.
“James,” she said, not once glancing over to him with a smile.
“If you’d like I could walk with you to wherever you’re headed.” His smile was wide, hiding the wisps that still flew around behind it. Maybe it's James’ fault that he flirted with her the majority of their time at Hogwarts. Maybe it's James’ fault that he approached her in the first place. He can't blame her for being a bit rude. He can't blame her for trying to mind her own business. He can't blame her.
“Walk those weird red converse away from me, Potter.”
“It’s all your fault”
Cherry red. Rust red. Converse red. Swirling around in his head. Attacking his breath. It quickens with every second that passes by. Her words still sunk in deep, their sharp teeth sinking deep into the skin till they hit bone and drew carnelian red. The wisps grew darker and larger. Crimson red. The converse were never seen again. The bright red clothing was never seen again. A small part of James Potter was never seen again.
“I can’t do anything right”
“If changing my clothes would make you like me more…”
- - -
Red curtains surrounded him that night. The rufous red drapes hid him from his friends' prying eyes. Though they would care anyway. Peter is in his bed, snoring loudly. Blissfully unaware of the pure self-hatred that swam around James’ head. His two other friends were whispering sweet nothings to each other. Oh, how James wished he had that right now. Regulus was in his own tower. So very distant and shut off.
“I’m a failure”
How? It just is. James can feel the wisps getting darker and darker. Brighter and brighter. Bloodier and bloodier. More and more. He could feel it growing within him. He could do it right now and they wouldn't notice. He could walk to the shelf. The mahogany wood under his tan fingertips. And take that silver into his hands. He could sit on his carmine-red bedsheets. Turning the silver between his fingers. He could let it slip. Accidentally. He could… oh. He did. He didn’t mean to. It slipped. It was an accident. Oh… the red. Merlot red. Ruby red. His blood. Oh, the beautiful red on his fingertips. He didn't mean to.
“You will never be good enough”
“Then I’d grab the kitchen scissors and cut myself to slivers for you”
Come morning and the red was gone, washed down the drain and covered with the white cuffs of his uniform. Hidden from everyone. His tears washed away. Hidden from everyone. By a smile. James strolled down the hallway. Seemingly unaffected by anything. Happy. Careless. Joyful. Hidden.
“ Killing parts of myself to fit you”
“He’s too happy”
“You’re too happy”
“He’s too Loud”
“You’re too loud”
“He’s too much”
“You’re too much”
The wisps still hid away. But to James, they were louder. Accompanying the voices that he heard whispered in the hallways. He took a breath as he looked at the food before him. It made him sick. He felt full like he’d already eaten too much.
“Prong’s, you alright? You’ve barely eaten.”
“Yeh Pads, ‘m fine” He said. taking his spoon and lifting it to his lips. He wanted to tear his skin off till there was nothing left. The wisps flared. Maroon. The smallest thing to set it off.
“He smiles too much”
“You smile too much”
“They all hate you”
The classic, loved by many, James Potter smile was never ever seen again. And that little part of James that was holding on was weathering. On the verge of breaking.
“Pointing out all my flaws doesn’t help”
- - -
“Don’t you love me?” The star and sun were close together. Yet so so so very far apart. 23rd of August. Falu red. Wine red. The stars and the moon were hidden by the clouds. Obscuring the once blinding light that shone on his lover’s face.
Oh, how James loved to see the starlight on his star's face. He loved to trace his face. And look into his eyes. How they shone. Regulus was a real star to him. Regulus shone. Regulus’ light danced on the surface of the black lake. Regulus’ light sparkled in James’ eye every time he looked at him. But tonight, the light was out.
“I do love you. I d- I do. You know I do, Jamie,” Regulus had tears streaming down his cheeks. They were supposed to be lit up by the moon. So that James could see them. So that James could wipe them away and tell him that everything would be alright.
“Then why are you leaving?” James couldn’t wipe Regulus’ tears because, in his own eyes, tears were beginning to form. “Was it me? Did I do something wrong? I can fix it. Just tell me and I'll fix it.” James held strong to the younger boy’s hands, begging him to stay put and not leave him.
“I love you, James.”
James always thought that stars just shone. They lit up the sky. But James was wrong. Stars twinkle. When you look up to the sky only planets get the glory of staying. Of shining like their life depended on it. Stars don’t get the glory. Stars don't get to stay. Stars will always move. Closer one second then further the next. Stars always flicker. In and out of focus. Till the day you can’t see them anymore.
His star left him. Walking down the astronomy tower stairs.
“I can't see him any more.” A sob… A scream. fallen on deaf ears.
James could see blood.
Vermillion red
Inside him until it seared through flesh.
Scarlet red
It's trickling down his arms
Mahogany red
Out his eyes and over his hands.
Brick red
They left stains he can’t remove.
Cherry red
His eyes burned, tears making red lines down his face.
Rufous red
Slowly slowly slowly.
Crimson red
His bones ached, and broke, and bled.
Carmine red
His star. In His heart. Burned through his chest. And out of him
Merlot red
His flesh is fragile. So pink and bruised from years of torture.
Maroon red
Blood stains everywhere
Wine red
On the floor hurt, the red around him
Blood red
It seeped through the floor. Dripping onto the stairs.
Red cosmos red
Till the red faded to Blood
Oxblood red
And blood faded to Black
Black
Regulus Black
“Why don’t you love me.”