To love a boy

He was going to get major stick for this. Even though he had told his friends the night before about him and marlene, he had never told them about his plan. He felt a sickening feeling in his stomach as he commenced his walk of shame to the dorm room. He took his time, dragging his feet, and stopped to look out of every window he could spot. At one point he had spotted Marlene talking to one of Regulus’ friends which confused him but he paid it no thought. Eventually, he was walking up the stairs to his dorm room with his heart in his mouth. 

When he opened the door he was immediately met with James running up to him with his hand in the air, waiting for a high-five. A grin spread across Sirius’ face as his hand met James’. Sirius looked around the room for Pete and Remus. Pete was sitting on his bed and gave him a warm smile, “well done, pads,” he said. 

“Thanks, Wormy!” 

Remus was lying down on his bed with his face in a book. He refused to even acknowledge his presence. “Remus?” Remus’ eyes met his and Sirius knew he was in trouble, for what he didn’t know. “Alright, moony?,” Sirius ventured. Remus just continued to glare at him before returning to his book. 

“Don’t mind him,” James said, “he’s probably just in a bad mood because of the full moon in a few days and the fireworks were quite loud.” 

“Sorry, mate.” 

“Don’t worry about it, anyway, what happened after she dragged you away?” he asked, eyebrows waggling. 

“Uh, we just kissed,” Sirius said, it sounded more like a question over an answer, however. Peter got up and joined them at the door. “I didn’t know you ever had a thing for Marlene,” he said. 

“I didn’t until last night, we were just up here chatting, and I looked over at her and I realised she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, so I leaned over and kissed her.” 

Remus slammed his book shut, making Sirius jump. Remus got up and left. They could hear his steps as he thundered down the stairs, leaving Sirius confused. 

“He’s must still be pissed you missed his party,” James explained. 

“I’ve apologised like fifty times, what more could he possibly want.” Sirius found himself feeling defeated. Remus was one of the reasons he woke up in the morning. He was his best friend. He felt like he could tell him anything without any judgement. He loved Remus. Platonically of course. Sirius sighed. “I think I’m just going to go to bed.” 

“Alright, mate, ‘night.”

“Goodnight, Sirius,” said peter. 

~~~

Sirius woke up the next morning, albeit late, feeling optimistic for the day. These feelings were quickly crushed. The first part of the morning went smoothly, Remus was even back talking to him like nothing had happened, which Sirius was grateful for. Sirius was still brushing his teeth while the others were waiting patiently for him to finish, so he told the others to go down for breakfast without him. 

This is where problems started. 

When he, finally, arrived at the great hall, Marlene immediately spotted him. She sent him a warning look from across the hall. This greatly confused him, but he didn’t let it effect his mood. He practically skipped over the table and sat down beside Marlene and place a big kiss on her cheek. “Morning all,” he greeted the table. 

“Youre in a good mood,” Mary responded. “Well Mary-“ 

This was the catalyst of the morning. 

He had to turned from Marlene to look at Mary and there, sitting beside her with an arm wrapped around her shoulders, was Remus Lupin. He felt Marlene grab his hand under the table and squeeze it. 

His shock must have been written on his face. Remus was the first to explain. “Sorry, Sirius, I forgot to tell you this morning, Mary and I got together last night.” 

Sirius was at a loss for words, for once in his life. He just stared dumbfounded. 

“Oh.”

“They really need to get a room,” Lily butted in, pure annoyance on her face. 

He started to pile food onto his plate while whatever conversation they were having before, started up again. He tried to look nonchalant but inside he felt like he was crumbling in on himself. Why do I care, he thought, it’s not like I like Mary. He was determined to ignore the raging jealousy that was starting to bloom in his chest. I’m just jealous that Mary will be taking up more of his time now, that’s it, he reasoned. 

“Sirius!”

“Huh, what?” He said. 

“I said, don’t you think that Marlene should try out for the quidditch team later today?”

“Yeah, Marlene, you’d be great. I’ve seen you flying around on the pitch. You're a great flyer.” 

“Thanks but I still don’t know, that’s a big commitment,” Marlene groaned. 

“Come on, Marlene, at least just try out, you don’t have to join.”

“Fine! I’ll try out.”

~~~

Sirius joined Marlene down to the quidditch pitch that afternoon, even if it was just to take his mind off of Mary and Remus. Marlene had decided to try out to be a chaser. She was the only girl trying out.

Sirius sat down on the bleachers to watch the try outs. Sirius was in the quidditch team himself during second and third year. He only really joined because James had joined. He eventually left the team because he came to the realisation that he was utterly shit at quidditch. However, he still enjoyed watching the sport. 

Try outs were a different matter. Minutes that felt like hours droned by while Sirius had to watch over confident second years make a fool of themselves. One specific kid really cracked Sirius up. He was trying out to be a beater but when the ball came flying towards him instead of hitting the ball he hit himself straight in the face. What was even funnier than the accident was James’ fussing over the boy. 

After what felt like an eternity, it was finally Marlene’s turn. He saw her release a sigh before mounting her broom. She kicked off her broom and soared into the sky. Her goal was to score three balls into the hoops in a row. She managed this all on first try. She was seriously giving James a run for his money. Her final test was to get a goal in while having beaters trying to stop her. This she achieved as well. 

She flew down to the ground again where James clapped her on the back. “Well, McKinnon, I think we know who our new chaser is. That is, of course,  if you choose to join.” 

“You know what, sure, why not.” 

“Well that was easy.” 

~~~

He had tried so hard. So so hard. He thought he was a pro in suppressing his feelings. Obviously not. He tried to breathe but it was proving extremely hard in between the sobs that he was releasing. His head was throbbing. 

He was sitting on the bathroom floor. Everyone else, he was pretty sure was down in the common room which was why he finally let himself break down. It had all become too much. Sirius had forced himself to sit downstairs with the others while Mary and Remus threw themselves all over each other. He refused to admit what he really knew. He would be normal. 

Someone was knocking at the door. The handle turned and Sirius jumped and began trying to get a grasp on his emotions, trying to look presentable. The door opened and standing on the other side was Marlene McKinnon. She stood there open mouthed before stepping into the room and closing the door. 

Sirius couldn’t help himself. He broke down again. Tears upon tears gushed from his eyes. He looked at Marlene and gave her a pleasing look. She sat down in front of him and reached to get the toilet paper that was sitting on top of the toilet. She broke off a few squires and handed it to him. “What’s wrong, Sirius?” She asked, her voice filled to the brim with concern. 

Sirius couldn’t bring himself to answer, he just shook his head. Marlene moved over to sit beside him. She wrapped her arms around him. “Sirius. You know you can tell me anything, right?” 

Sirius forced himself to speak, “Remus and Mary.” Understanding filled Marlene’s eyes. She started the run her hands through his hair. 

“Oh, Sirius.” 

“You were right Marlene.” 

“I know. I know.”

“Why did you have to be right?” 

He covered his head in his arms and his body shook as the Tears took over him again. “I love him, Marlene.” 

“I know you do,” she said. 

She took the tissues out of his hands and told him to look at her. She wiped the tears out of his eyes with the tissue and then held it up to his nose. 

“Blow,” she said. 

Sirius laughed, despite the inner turmoil and self-hatred he was feeling. He blew his nose. “Thanks, Marls.” 

“Anytime, Siri.” 

“God, Siri really is awful.” 

Marlene chuckled and stood up, holding out her hand. He took it and she led him out of the bathroom and sat him on his bed before sitting down herself. Sirius lay down and Marlene followed, they found themselves in the same position as they were only two days ago. However it felt like it was years ago. 

“Marlene. I’m gay.”

“Yeah, you are,” she smiled bitterly. 

“Remus will hate me.” 

“He won’t.” 

Sirius shook his head. He thought about the hatred he would see in Remus’ eyes if he ever found out. His moony. Except he wasn’t his moony. He was Mary’s Moony. “Do you have any more vodka?”

“No, sorry mate,” Marlene laughed, “and hey, even if he does, you’ll always have me,” she joked. Sirius reached out and grabbed her hand. 

“I love you too, Marlene.” 

“And I love you, Sirius.” 

“I think we’d kiss now if we were normal.”

 Marlene laughed, a sound he was coming to love. She sat up and moved to lie beside him, she bent down and kissed him on the forehead. “There, now we’re normal.” 

Marlene snuggled up to Sirius and they lay there in silence, just enjoying each other's company. The night drew on and it grew darker outside. They had both fallen asleep.