To love a boy

When she was younger, Marlene McKinnon considered the fact that she wasn't boy obsessed as a positive, something that set her apart from other girls. As she got older she considered it something to be considered wierd. While her friends would discuss what boy they thought to be the cutest in their year or who their favourite actors were Marlene would sit and wonder what they seen in them. She had learnt from experience that she would be considered a liar if she said that she thought no boy in her year was cute or that she didn't have a favourite actor so when it got to her turn to answer her go to answers were Sirius Black and Marlon Brando. Majority of the other girls in her year were head over heels for Sirius Black, for what reason Marlene still didn't understand, in her opinion, he looked like every other boy in Hogwarts who came from a pureblood family except for the fact that Sirius Black wore a lot more leather. 

Now that Marlene was no longer a first year, she knew that many would consider her complete lack of interest in the opposite sex as a negative. A negative that she deserved to be burnt alive for.  So she hid it way. Yet no matter how hard she tried people knew. And they made the fact that they knew extremely well known. No matter what she said the rumors about her lesbianism ran rampant. In the corridors she was called a lesbo or a dyke and one of her dorm mates had even asked McGonagall if she could be put into the boys dorms so that she couldn't perv on them (This request was denied but the girl was moved to a different room without any lesbians). She still didn't know how the whole school had known that she was a lesbian before even she knew but she did know that she would need to dispel the rumours some how.

That's why she came up with a plan. She would find a boy and would go out with him even if it would disgust her to have to do boyfriend-girlfriend things with him. She would just have to get through it. And who knew maybe she would even end up liking it. After a month or so when the rumours had, hopefully, dispelled she would break up with him. She knew that it was cruel to pretend to like someone with the sole intention of breaking  up with him buy she also knew that it was essential to surviving the next two years of school. The feeling of guilt still wouldn't leave her however and she still hadn't found a good option to date. She had spent many nights awake thinking it over. He would need to be someone attainable but also someone she just liked spending time with but wouldn't be too upset if they couldn't speak afterwards.

"Marlene?"

The sound of her friends voice pulled her out of her thoughts. They were sitting in the common room which was being decorated by Sirius Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew for Remus Lupins birthday. They were making quite the racket laughing and shoving each other around. Whenever it was any one of 'the marauders' birthdays the four of them went all out. The parties they threw were always huge, they invited everyone from every house except from the Slytherins and they always had enough booze to get everyone drunk and they always lasted until well into the following morning. Marlene had never woken up after one of them without a raging headache. Sirius was choosing what colour banners to put up hanging from the ceiling. His options were the traditional yellow and red for Gryffindor or blue and yellow. He was holding them up in the light thinking hard about his decision. 

A rowdy third year stumbled through the portrait hole. It was obvious that he had been drinking heavily. Marlene wondered how no teachers had caught him in the corridors. The boy spotted Sirius and started cackling he raised a finger and yelled, "Look at that absoloute pouf!"

Sirius gave him a half hearted finger and decided on the yellow and red bunting but his demeanor had seemed to have changed. The smile that had previously been on his face had vanished. Sirius usually brushed off any insults that met him so this struck Marlene as strange. 

"Marlene!"

"Sorry lily, day dreaming."

"I assumed," Lily laughed, "are you going to Remus' birthday party later?"

"Do I ever miss a party?"

"Of course you don't. I still have no idea what to wear though," Lily sighed "you wouldn't mind coming up with me to the dorm and helping me pick, would you?"

"Come on then," Marlene said before she was dragged up the stairs and pulled into their dorm. 

~~~

In the end Lily had decided on a pretty plain black dress while Marlene opted for her regular docs and leather jacket. Marlene was putting on her eyeliner while Lily was tying the laces of her shoes when Mary McDonald flew into the room. 

"No time to talk, I have to get ready."

"Where have you been?" Marlene asked.

"I was trying to get Sirius to ask me to be his date to Remus' party but that boy is blind to all the signs that a girl likes him."

"Probably for the best," Lily said, "You deserve better than him."

"Thanks Lils, but who in this school is better than Sirius except for maybe Potter."

Lily sighed as Mary went into the bathroom to get ready. Lily always thought that no boy was good enough for Mary. That was one of the things Marlene loved about her. Her friends were always the apple of her eye. Marlene opened up her trunk and pulled out a full bottle of Vodka. 

"Marlene, where did you get that from," Lily exclaimed.

"I may have nicked it from my dad during the Christmas holidays. Want some?"

"Obviously."

Marlene pulled out a small flask from her trunk and poured a considerable amount of vodka into it and shoved it into her jacket pocket before handing the bottle to Lily.

"Just in case," she said.

~~~

When they were all finally ready the party was already in full swing. Music was blaring from the record player that had been set up on one of the tables and everywhere you looked horny teens were making eyes at each other. James Potter spotted them from across the room and started coming towards them.

"Hello ladies, you are all looking well this fine evening." He said wrapping an arm around Mary's shoulders.

"Three fire whiskeys please, potter." Mary replied picking up his arm and removing it from her shoulders. 

"Didn't ask, but since I'm an excellent host they are coming right up, Macdonald." 

And just as quickly as he had come he was gone. Marlene got a sudden craving for a fag so she left her friends to look for Sirius who usually had a packet and a lighter on him. She scanned the room for him and spotted him standing in a corner gazing at Remus who was dancing to a Queen song with Peter. He was looking at him like he was made of starlight, something that was just so wonderful that he couldn't fully comprehend it.

As she was approaching him everything slotted into place. His mood change after he had been called a pouf, not picking up mary's hints, and the way he was now staring at Remus. He was like her. 

"Sirius." 

He didn't take any notice of her. 

"Sirius!" she said waving her hand in front of his face. 

He jumped as if waking up from a dream.

"Sorry, lost in thought," he laughed.

"Sure seemed like it," she said, "can I bum a fag?" 

"Sure Marls, you'll have to come up stairs though, I don't have any on me."

"Thanks, your a life saver."

He led the way up the stairs and into the boys dormitory. Sirius walked over to one of the beds and pulled open the trunk that lay at the foot of it. On top were piles of jumpers, books, and records from different artists. Sirius rifled through the jumpers in search of something, when he found the jumper he was looking for he unfolded it and hidden in it was a box of cigarettes. He handed the box to Marlene. She took one out and reached for the lighter that Sirius was handing her.

"Is that not Lupins trunk?"

"It is but Remus doesn't when I take his stuff."

"Oh, can I ask you something about Remus."

"Sure."

Her heart felt like it was beating a hundred miles per hour, "Do you like Remus?"

"Of course, I like Remus, he's one of my best mates," Sirius said, confused.

"I know that but do you like him?"

Marlene could physically see the moment that Sirius' heart stopped.

"Why would you think that," he said, his voice wavering, pale as a ghost

"Sirius, I seen the way you were looking at him down there. Its okay, I'm like that too."

"Not everyone is a queer like you, Marlene," he uttered.

Marlene felt like she had been punched. 

"screw you, black."

"Fuck. Sorry Marlene. It's just... why do people think I'm gay?"

Marlene laughed coldly, "I've been asking the same question."

Sirius walked over to his bed and flopped down on it with a sigh Marlene followed suit but on the opposite end. They both stared at the ceiling in silence.

"Sirius, do you think we can be happy."

"I'm not like you Marlene."

She sat up to face him.

"Sirius have you ever had feelings for a girl, you turned down Mary for crying out loud."

"I never turned her down I just avoided her hints. And just none of the girls I've ever met have been my type. I'm just waiting for the perfect girl to come around."

"Avoiding and turning down are the same thing.  What's your 'perfect girl' like?"

"Well, she's pretty, and smart too but she's also incredibly funny. She can always make me laugh even when I'm upset. And she has a great taste in music and is sorta pretentious but in a good way. I'd like her to be tall as well, taller than me and be laid back but can also serious about the important stuff. I also love brown eyes. They're just so warm and inviting."

Sirius sounded like he was pouring his heart out to her. The yearning in his voice was indescrible. It was clear that he had thougt hard about what she would be like. 

"Sirius, please tell me that you realize that your just describing Remus."

"I am not."

"You are!"

Sirius didn't respond and silence lapsed between them again. Marlene lay back down. She thought of her plan again, Sirius would be the perfect match for it, the cogs started turning in Marlene's mind. No ones feelings would get hurt and they wouldn't have to be intimate since they'd both know that it was only for show. It was foolproof. Marlene reached out and took his hand.

"Sirius?"

"yeah?"

"Would you like to pretend to go out with me?"

"What?" he asked the shock apparent in his voice. 

"Listen, at least just until the rumours die down. I mean your friends must me wondering why you've never had a girlfriend even though nearly every girl in this school would kill someone to go out with you. We wouldn't have to do anything sexual, just like hold hands in public or kisses on the cheek."

"Marlene. I'm not gay."

"Okay lets just say you aren't wouldn't you at least like to escape the gay rumours while you wait for Remus."

Sirius shoved her in the stomach with his foot. She laughed. 

"Sorry I mean your perfect girl."

"We could always just go out for real.."

"No Sirius, Fake go out."

"Sure, but it could be real."

"No it couldn't. It cant be real we're both gay, even if you don't want to accept it. Besides what happened to your perfect girl?"

"You could be her." 

His voice was full of hope but she couldn't do that to herself or to him. It wasn't fair to either of them. 

"No. I can't"

Marlene reached into the pocket of her jackets to where she had hid the flask earlier. She opened it and took a long swig before handing it to Sirius.

"Want some?"

"Thanks."

He took a long gulp before handing it back. They did that for a while, sitting in silence handing the flask back and fourth. Sirius was the first to speak again.

"I'll do it. But not because I'm gay, I'm just sick of the rumours."

"Okay."

The night passed in silence from there. The flask slowly emptied and they both fell into a drunken sleep.