Chapter 4
Regulus went back to school, though he struggled all day not to return to the hospital and beg for James’ forgiveness. He felt like a stalker. An obsessed vampire stalker who wanted to follow this poor, vulnerable human. He found the day boring. A few bland conversations about the accident, assuring professors that he wasn’t hurt, and that James and Lockhart were well looked after. Regulus decided to skip French, so as to not deal with Barty right now. He was in the boys bathroom that is shut down, mentally preparing for the long talk he knew was coming that night.
You better prepare your explanation well, Evan is on the move. He heard Remus thinking at him before he actually appeared.
Regulus just rolled his eyes. To his credit, he actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation for why he had saved James. If the van crushed James, and Regulus shuddered at the thought, but if he hadn’t helped then James’ warm, sweet, blood would’ve gone spilling across the parking lot; and Regulus surely wouldn’t have been able to control himself then.
He certainly would not have been able to watch James bleed out without exposing them then. Regulus was almost certain he wouldn’t use that excuse though, it felt… shameful, to admit that he wouldn’t be able to control himself in that instance. Nevertheless, this lie was not indicative of Regulus’ true feelings towards the boy at all. He, himself, could not understand why he had saved James.
I’d be more cautious of Barty, however. He’s less angry and more… resolved.
Regulus saw what Remus meant, and was so consumed by a hot, raging, anger that he thought he could choke. He was certain that he had never been as angry as he was in that moment. Regulus made his way towards the exit but Remus stood firmly in place.
No one will do anything until we all talk. I’m merely informing you of the direction his thoughts are headed. You’ve already made a spectacle of yourself this morning, don’t go after Barty right now and make it worse.
Regulus backed down. “You’re right.”
It was the first word either of them had spoken out loud, and it seemed to relieve some pressure in the room.
“I always am.” Remus didn’t tend to hold grudges, not really. Though Regulus could hear that Barty’s thought process made sense to Remus as well. Remove a potential threat before it has the chance to cause any harm.
Barty was stronger than him, but had never bested him in a fight- claiming that his ability to read minds was cheating. They were evenly matched in a fight that was certain. Regulus stopped himself. A fight? A fight against my family? Is that what this is coming to? Over some human I barely even know?
He thought then of how fragile James’ body had felt against his. Warm and soft, whereas Barty, Evan, and even Remus were cold, hard, fast predators- designed for killing. Yes, Regulus realized then. He would fight his family for James. He shuddered at the thought. But he wouldn’t let James be hurt- be killed, as Barty wanted- because of his own foolish actions. And he certainly wasn’t about to let Barty Crouch lay a hand on James Potter.
The time passed quickly for the two of them. Regulus contemplating all that keeping James safe from his family would entail, and Remus wondering how far Regulus would take this. He knew Regulus loved the family. Despite how they may behave, they all love each other deeply. Was Regulus really going to be able to put that aside?
The bell rang and the two walked into the parking lot. Regulus forlornly remembered how monotonous life had seemed before James. He truly had changed everything.
You moronic, ignorant jackass! You are an irresponsible, arrogant fool! Evan kept up the steady stream of insults at the very top of his mental lungs. Regulus attempted to just ignore him. Remus was right about Barty, though. He was sure of his course.
Sirius looked troubled as the visions worked through his mind. No matter what angle Barty came at James, Sirius always saw Regulus intercepting him. Regulus was intrigued as he observed that Barty was always working alone in these visions. Barty was certainly an experienced fighter, and was unnaturally strong (even by vampire standards), but Regulus would always know what he was about to do.
Regulus had never fought, outside of playfully, with any of the siblings other than Sirius. He felt sick at the thought of genuinely trying to hurt them. No, he would block Barty, that was all. As he settled on his decision, Sirius saw Regulus intercepting Barty earlier and earlier, further away from the Potter house.
Jesus, please stop it, Reggie. This is getting annoying. Regulus, however, couldn’t help it. So Sirius decided to search further into the future, into the hazy mist of the unknown. There was no clear vision there.
Regulus pulled into the garage beside everyone else’s cars (and his brother's stupid motorcycle), and was happy to see that Minnie and Poppy were already home. The car ride home had been absolutely silent and, knowing the silence wouldn’t last, he was grateful that some cooler heads would be there.
The five boys went straight to the dining room. It was always unused, for obvious reasons, but their mothers did use it as a conference room of sorts. The dining room table was where family matters were discussed, and it was here that the family sat now. Sometimes, with so many hotheads in the family, it helped to discuss things calmly like this. Though Regulus had a sinking feeling this wouldn’t help today.
Minerva sat at the head of the table, Poppy to her left. Their hands were clasped on the table top. When Poppy made eye contact with him, only one thought passed her mind. Stay. Her worry for him would’ve been evident even if he couldn’t read minds. He wished he could smile and reassure her now, but he truly had no idea what was coming. Regulus sat to the right of Minerva.
Her lips were pursed, and her forehead slightly wrinkled. The expression seemed too old for the professor’s young face. As everyone took their seats, Regulus could clearly see the lines being drawn. Evan sat at the opposite head, and glared directly at Regulus, his stare never wavering. Regulus adopted his unbothered persona, and paid Evan no mind. Barty sat beside Evan, naturally, and Sirius and Remus were across each other in the center. The chair to the left of Barty sat empty.
Regulus took a moment to contemplate, he got the family into this mess, he supposed he should be the one to start the discussion.
“I understand that some of you," he looked at Evan, "are upset by what I did today. Although, it was never my intent to put anyone at risk, I accept that my actions may have been hasty.” They all saw it for what it was: a not-apology. Regulus was sorry for endangering his family, but he wasn’t sorry for saving James.
“May have been hasty? That’s all you have to say!? How are you going to fix this, Regulus, tell me now.” If he was any other person, perhaps they would’ve been shaken by Evan’s anger. But Regulus knew that deep, deep, down- no matter how annoying it was- Evan was acting this way out of concern for the family.
“I was already contemplating leaving before. I’ll go now,” once I know he’s safe, “and the problem will resolve itself.” Once I know none of you will go after James.
“Then I’m coming with you. We’re brothers by name, you can’t leave while I stay, it wouldn’t make sense for our adoption cover.” Sirius was adamant. It was faulty logic, by the school's system Regulus was eighteen and Sirius was nineteen. Here meaning that Regulus was in his first year of school, and Sirius in his second.
“You can’t both leave,” Remus said, “The abilities the two of you have are our main protection in these towns. If you left, then we would have no way of knowing if anyone was suspicious.” Moony stop being the voice of reason for once, please, Sirius thought at him, though no one but Regulus knew.
“Remus is right, boys,” Minnie cut in then, “the boy may begin to talk because you have left. It’s either all of us leave or none of us.”
“He won’t say anything.” Regulus knew that Evan was about to go on a tangent, could hear him winding up, so he wanted this fact stated first. He turned and made direct eye-contact while saying again, just to Evan: “He won’t.”
“You don’t know his mind, Regulus, you’ve said so yourself. You can’t read it.” Minnie said.
“Maybe not, but I know this. Sirius, can verify it.” Regulus was insistent.
“Evan and Barty are too set on doing something, I can’t see a future where we ignore this.” His voice was apologetic, but it was enough to set Evan off. He smacked his hand down on the table with a loud bang.
“Damn, right I’m set on doing something! Even if we were to leave now, we’d leave behind stories and rumors. Surely, you must see that? Remember our families? The Death Eaters? We already live so differently from others of our kind, we can’t afford to be leaving behind loose ends, because certain people would love to point their fingers at us! We have to be more careful than everyone else to avoid provocation, and. This. Wasn’t. Careful. This was selfish, because you have an infatuation with some useless human!” Evan was losing his temper, and quickly, but Regulus wouldn't rise to the bait. He couldn't necessarily explain why, maybe it was the look in James' eyes, but Regulus just knew they boy wouldn't say anything.
“We’ve left rumors behind before,” Regulus said while rolling his eyes.
“Yes we have, but they didn’t have eyewitnesses and evidence!” Barty nodded along with what Evan was saying.
“There is no-”
“Because Barty took care of it for you!” Evan cut him off.
“Evan-”
“No, Minerva, let me finish. Barty went out and got the dent out of the second car that you slammed into. You hear that? The second car, Barty took care of it. You didn’t even notice because you were too busy drooling over the human. I’m not saying that his death needs to be some big, gory, production. But the boy has already made you sloppy, Regulus. Humans can have head injuries that don’t seem serious at first. So maybe, he bumped his head harder than we thought. The others would expect us to clean up after ourselves, which technically makes it Regulus’ job. Clearly he cannot control himself and would never do it, but I can. I would leave no evidence behind.” Evan finished strongly.
“Yeah, Evan, we all know that you’re a proficient assassin.” Sirius interjected. Evan practically growled at Sirius who raised his hands and shrugged. “I’m just saying.”
“That’s enough, Sirius.” Minerva said, “Evan, I do not hold it against you, what happened with your family. However, you must be capable of acknowledging that this is not the same situation. The Potter boy is innocent, and we don’t harm innocents.”
“This isn’t personal, no,” Evan leveled his tone, not daring to speak as harshly to his adoptive mother, “but it would be to protect all of us.”
“I love you, Evan, and I appreciate the sentiment of trying to protect the family.” Poppy said at last, “You’re my boys, I only want to see you safe and taken care of. but I’d like to think we’re a family that is worth protecting. I understand that we will have the occasional drawback, or an accident,” Poppy had never tasted human blood, she included herself in the plural just to be kind. Regulus saw what "accidents" she was thinking of; mostly the time Sirius and Barty were trying to see who could act faster: Barty or Sirius' visions. “However, I cannot, and will not, condone the cold-blooded murder of a child. He presents a risk, okay. But we risk something far greater if we kill him simply to protect ourselves. That's selfish, and not the kind of actions I will permit.”
Sirius was thinking of applauding.
“This is being irresponsible.” Evan muttered.
“And you’re being callous,” Poppy replied gently.
“The question now,” Minerva interrupted, “is whether we should stay or go.”
As Evan began to whine about not wanting to move, Regulus focused on Barty, whose decision remained unmoved. Regulus understood why. Barty’s father had been neglectful, yes, but downright vengeful when his rules were broken. Barty was more than happy to leave him behind, and live this life with his new family, even if it was a learning curve to switch to animal blood. James was a threat to that safety, and Barty was as territorial as one could get, or so he thought.
“Barty,” his eyes snapped to Regulus from down the table. “He will not pay for my mistake, I will not allow it.”
“So he gets to benefit from it then? He was supposed to die today, I would only be setting things right.”
“Perhaps you misheard me, I said, I will not allow it.” Regulus was sure to emphasize each word and he saw Barty’s eyes widen a fraction. He wasn’t anticipating that Regulus would try to stop him. He shook his head.
“And I won’t allow Evan to live in danger, no matter how slight. You may have seen my memories but you never comprehend what he means to me. You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t. But that’s not the matter at hand. What I’m telling you now is to not lay a single hand on James Potter.” The two held each other's gaze for a while. Not glaring, but sizing each other up, testing the other’s determination.
“Easy there, tiger,” Sirius said, patting Regulus’ arm, “I have a very good reason as to why no one can kill James Potter.” He stated with a definitive tone in his voice, and a small smile on his face.
Regulus saw what he was thinking and felt a groan of exasperation crawling up his throat. Of fucking course you would, he thought at his brother, knowing the boy would not hear him. Everyone around the table looked at Sirius.
“Of fucking course you do,” muttered Evan. In any other scenario, Regulus probably would have been amused by the similar reaction between himself and Evan.
“Language,” Poppy chided.
“Firstly,” Sirius continued as if he didn’t hear Evan, “the two of you fighting would absolutely gut our mothers. Second, and more importantly, James is going to be my best friend.” He gave a small smile and had a wistful look on his face as he said it.
It was crystal clear in his mind. Sirius and James laughing and nudging each other while Minnie stands there annoyed, trying to get them to settle. It’s timing was unclear, but the vision was absolute.
“Oh. My. Fucking. God.” Evan said, pulling at his hair and seething at the sheer stupidity of Sirius.
“Language,” Minnie and Poppy mumbled at the same time, but they both looked too shocked for it to have any weight.
“How are you going to manage that?” Barty asked skeptically, not finding Sirius as dumb as Evan did.
“Well, I don’t know, Barty, probably by having a personality- you should try it some time.” Barty scoffed, “Either way, I’m going to love him dearly one day, and I would appreciate no one taking that chance away from me.”
For a moment, Barty and Evan’s decisions wavered, and Sirius could see ahead on that path.
“There, see? Now I can tell you that James is definitely not going to say anything, and neither of you have to go all Dark Knight on him, you creeps.” It struck Regulus when Sirius said his name, as if the two were already confidants. It made Regulus want to hit him, honestly.
“Sirius,” Regulus breathed out in frustration. Suddenly, Sirius began to think very intently about Remus. My Moony, my Moony, my Moony. It was what he repeated to himself when he didn’t want Regulus to know what he had seen. He heard Evan start to grumble, he got annoyed when Regulus went digging around in their heads, even if it wasn’t happening to him. He also hated being out of the loop, so his frustrations continued to rise.
But, Sirius’ mind was easy to infiltrate, when you had a lifetime of practice, and Regulus knew exactly who the vision was about: “James.” He spoke his name aloud.
Hearing it involuntarily brought the memory to the forefront of Sirius’ mind.
What the fuck? Regulus thought, as he gripped the edge of the table. It began to crack and crumble beneath his hand.
“Regulus!” Minerva scolded, but he was unaware of her.
“It’s solidifying, brother. Every minute that you’re decided, it can only end one of two ways for James.” Sirius’ voice held an apology.
“No.” Regulus would not accept this, even though the vision was clear as day.
“I hate when they do this.” Barty muttered.
“I have to leave,” Regulus murmured.
“We’ve been over this, Regulus,” Remus said, “You can’t leave, or he will start talking, and you’re the only one who can determine what is being said about us. You have to stay and face this.”
“I don’t see you leaving, Reggie. Honestly, at this point, I’m not sure you can leave.” Sirius said, and continued on mentally, I’m not sure about Barty, he may yet try something if he thinks James is a threat.
“That’s not what he thinks,” Regulus said out loud, Barty was wavering, trying to understand how James could fit into their lives.
Not at this moment, no. But would you risk his life? Would you leave him here undefended?
“It’s not my responsibility.” Regulus chipped at where he had crumbed the table. He wasn’t James’ protector. He couldn’t be. Was the divided future Sirius saw not proof enough? James was not safe with him.
I love him too. Or, at least, I will- and I want both of you around for that.
“Love him?” Regulus sputtered, disgust filling his own ears.
Oh, Reggie, can’t you see how you’re behaving? Where you are headed? It’s more inevitable than the moon following the sun. You can try and leave, but no matter where you go, James Potter finds you there. Just like Pandora said. He was, of course, referencing a private conversation that had happened when Regulus had run away after James' arrival. Of course Sirius saw it. He mentally grumbled to himself. Nevertheless, Regulus thought back to it:
Regulus sat atop of the roof of the stone home. Gazing up at the stars, vaguely wondering if they would give him an answer any time soon. He was named after one of them after all, couldn’t anyone up there find it in themselves to send a little help?
It had been six days since Regulus had escaped to Scottish wilderness. Six days since he had gazed upon James Potter. Yet, Regulus felt no more free of him than he had when he left. He was in an endless cycle of contemplating James, and never landed on any answer. Frustrated, he began to glare at the stars now. Someone, just tell me what to do, he thought.
Regulus heard the thoughts approaching long before he heard evidence of a person. He wasn’t the slightest bit surprised by her following him here, or by her thought process. It was because of that he found himself smiling when she jumped onto the roof.
“I believe you were looking for some guidance?” Pandora said with a smile. She was as beautiful as he remembered. Beneath the moonlight, her pale skin and hair made her look like an angel, come to save Regulus, just as he asked. Who knows, Regulus thought, maybe she is. If anyone could be such a creature, and an angel at the same time, it was Pandora Lestrange. He couldn’t help but laugh.
“Your timing gets better with age,” he said finally. He couldn’t help the relief he felt at her arrival. There was no one he trusted more to help shed light on his situation. She was gracious and kind, but absolutely lethal when the need arose. She would know what to do.
“We’ve known you were here all week. Dorcas says she would rather drop dead than track you down in the woods to talk about your feelings. She also encouraged me to give you some space, but one week is enough. The trees get too sad when you’re out here moping so much. So, out with it, Regulus Black, or I’m telling Barty and Evan where to find you.”
Regulus, though not cowed by the threat, told Pandora everything. The average looking (beautiful) boy, with an average (fascinating) little life, with an intoxicating smell that was pushing Regulus to the edge.
“... and I just- I have no idea what to do. Because he's a human being, Sirius says his parents love him very much. He’s got a life, a future. And all I can think about when he’s near is draining him of his life force. Of sinking my teeth in, and not stopping until I’m satisfied. But I’m not a monster. I’m better than Walburga and Orion, I’m better than all of them. But am I? If all it takes is one obnoxious, stupid, human to make me want to snap?” Regulus finished his tangent.
“I will say this, and I want you to really hear me, Regulus. You are not a monster. You are my friend, and if you can’t trust your own judgment, trust the judgment of those around you. Would I allow myself to spend time with a monster? Would Dorcas freaking Meadowes hang around anyone she deemed unworthy of her time? Would McGonagall let you around all those kids all day, if any part of her thought of you as a monster? How you view yourself is something you need to work through on your own, but for now let the love and belief of those around you hold you up, okay?” Regulus nodded, his heart touched. If he could still cry, he had a sneaking suspicion his eyes would be welling up.
“Sometimes, obstacles are given to us, so that we can prove to ourselves we are capable of overcoming them. You can overcome this. I know you can. Because the temporary satisfaction of killing James is not worth the lifetime of guilt that would follow. James is your obstacle, and you will overcome this. You have lessons you need to learn from him. Who knows, maybe you’ll even end up enjoying his company, outside of wanting to rip his throat out?”
“How would I enjoy his company?” Regulus was confused.
“Because you’re going to talk to him.” Pandora said, as if it was a universal truth he had no way of escaping.
“Pardon?”
“You heard me. You, Regulus Black, are going to talk to him, James Potter, and you’re going to humanize him in your brain. He’s more than all the snap-judgements you’ve allowed yourself to make about him. You’re not going to hurt him, because you’re going to understand him.”
“Why would I do that?” She shrugged.
“Some paths are destined to cross. You could run a million miles, but as you’re turning that last corner, it will be James Potter you run into. His fate is intertwined with yours, and it always has been. That’s the way the world works, there are no accidents.”
So Regulus had. He had tried talking to James, to humanize him in his brain. Then, he’d pushed him out of the way of a moving car. Now, he was here, dealing with-
“Oh come on!” Barty exclaimed, officially annoyed of being left out of the conversation.
“Pay attention!” Evan snapped, “Sirius sees Regulus falling in love with the human.”
“What? That’s what’s been going on? Jesus, Regulus, no wonder you won’t let me kill him.” Barty was laughing now.
“Falling in love? With that boy he saved today?” Poppy seemed excited. Regulus wanted to gag.
“What exactly did you see, Sirius?” Remus asked, his voice firm.
“There are two possibilities. The first is that Regulus kills James himself,” he turns towards Regulus then, “which would really piss me off, Reggie- I mean it. The second is that James will one day be one of us, a part of the family.” Someone, Regulus didn’t turn to see who, gasped.
“Neither of those are happening.” Regulus kept his voice hard, so as to deter the others from arguing with him.
“It all depends,” Sirius continued as if Regulus had never spoken, “he may have strength enough not to kill him, but it will be only just. It will take more self-control than even Poppy has.” He said with a smile towards his mother. “The only thing he is absolutely not strong enough to do, is stay away from James.”
Regulus didn’t say a word. He sat staring at Sirius, as everyone else stared at him. He saw his face from all five angles. Finally, it was Minerva who broke the tension:
“That certainly complicates the matter.”
“I would say so,” Remus was nearly laughing as he said it.
“I suppose the plan remains then,” Minnie sighed, “We will stay here and make and ensure no one… hurts the boy.”
Barty moved to argue but Regulus silenced him with a withering glare. Sure that Barty would not try anything, Regulus began to leave. The thoughts of the room were too much. Evan was disgusted, Barty found it amusing, Minnie was confused, but the worst of it was the joy Poppy felt.
Regulus left the room. Then the house. Then the yard. He kept running east until he began to close in once more on civilization. Only then did he allow himself to truly reflect on the visions Sirius had had.
He replayed the first, of his brother and James giggling and laughing while Minnie tried not to look fond. Upon further reflection, he could see that each of them held a microphone. This brought Regulus to fairly assume that in their friendship Sirius would induct James into his favorite pastime: karaoke. It was a harmless enough vision. However, when followed by another one of James with golden eyes like his own, and an arm slung around Sirius, unflinching at the cold- the first vision feels like an unfortunate stepping stone that Regulus feels compelled to eradicate.
He cannot condemn anyone to the half-life he was living. Not quite dead, but not quite alive. Not hungry, but never truly satisfied. Not human, but convincing enough that no one knows he’s a monster. To do that would be truly selfish indeed. He will not condemn James Potter.